by Lara Swann
That ease lasts until Lucas and Ellie start jumping around Maria, tugging and chattering about how their Daddy is taking them out on the water. She looks up, startled, and John gives her a wry smile as he comes behind the children.
“Figured it was the only way to shut them up.” He squeezes her shoulder. “Don’t worry, they’ll be fine - they’re old enough now. I’ll take them out together on the double kayak, and you can take a few pics from here.”
She looks between them all, before resignation crosses her face.
“Okay, okay.” She says, giving John an even look as the kids yell excitedly. “But be careful.”
He smiles gently back at her, leans in for a kiss, and then turns towards the kayaks strapped to the truck.
“We’ve got a single too, if anyone’s interested.” He adds, looking around at us all. “I can help take it down to the water.”
“You can relive all those childhood memories.” Mark nudges me, and I think about all the times he convinced me to play ‘capsize’.
“Not today, I think.” I shake my head with a smile. “Mark?”
I love the water, but I’m feeling too sorry for myself to volunteer for a round of physical activity.
“Nah, thanks mate.” He shrugs. “I think I’ll stay here with Cassie.”
That catches at my attention, and I send him a suspicious look.
With Cassie.
Not just here. Or even with Anne.
What does he mean by that?
I’m about to ask, when Josh interrupts us. “I’ll take the second, if no one else wants it. Haven’t been kayaking in years.”
Our heads swivel to where he’s standing and stretching, looking over at us, and then John nods.
“Yeah, sure.” He gestures for Josh to follow and then walks away towards the trucks, the kids jumping around his feet.
That’s all it takes to remind me that he exists, and I get another uncomfortable pang as I look over at them working the kayaks free.
I’m not sure whether he asked because he really wants to get out on the lake, or just to put some more space between us, but either way I’m glad for it. It’s easier not to be close enough that we could be making conversation - if he’s not a few meters away, it’ll feel less like we’re actively ignoring each other.
“I think…I might go watch from the shore.” Maria says, as they settle the kayaks down on the water, and John pushes Josh off. “I’ll get better pictures there.”
Anne glances over at her. “It’s the first time they’ve done it?”
“Yeah.” She laughs, and fishes her camera out of her bag. “Not that I’m nervous or anything.”
Anne gives her a sympathetic smile and starts maneuvering her ungainly form to rise as well. “I’ll come and join you - I could use the walk anyway.”
“Oh, okay. Thank you.” Maria helps her up, and they start walking slowly down towards the water’s edge.
Then it’s just Mark and I sitting together, and I can tell I’m holding my breath, waiting for something. Beth and Neil disappeared shortly after we arrived, Nikki went with them as soon as Josh made it clear that he was only interested in his play, and my Mom and Dad have gone for a walk around the lake.
But we just sit there in silence for a while, sharing chips and watching as the kids get decked out in lifejackets that dwarf them and John tries to calm them down enough to get them to sit still in the kayak.
I’m trying not to look at Josh already on the water, and halfway across the lake now. Even from this distance, I can see the sun glinting off his sculpted abs, the warm strength of his body as he cuts the paddle through the water with the same skill he—
I force myself to break the thought off, even if I can’t seem to take my eyes away from him for too long. This far away, there’s no way he’d be able to tell I’m staring.
Except, I forget that Mark can.
“So, how are things going with you and Josh?” He eventually asks. “You both seem a little…tense…today.”
I sigh, having expected it but still no happier about him finally bringing it up.
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” I say.
That’s the truth, at least, since there’s no way I can explain to Mark the exact difficulties I’m having right now. And it gives the right things aren’t so good message, anyway.
“Yeah, I get that. None of us have ever been good at all that.” He shrugs, but I can feel his gaze on me as he seems to consider his next words. “D’you mind if I say a few things anyway? Just to think about?”
Yes, I mind.
But I don’t quite say it. At least he asked - I don’t think anyone else in our family would’ve. And I remember a time when we used to be quite close.
Instead I give him a narrow look. “What if I say ‘yes’?”
“Then we’ll change the topic.” He grins easily back at me. “And I’ll try to find a way to slip them in anyway.”
I laugh, not expecting that.
“Okay, okay…at least you’re honest.” I look back out to the water, waiting for him to start.
It’s tempting to take the change the topic option, but if I’m going to have to listen to this anyway, it might as well be now.
Besides, the part of my mind that sounds an awful lot like Josh reminds me, it’ll tell you more about what we can use for our break up…
Our break up.
The thought echoes in my mind, and I shiver slightly, even though the wind from the lake is only mild and pleasant.
“It’s your life, Cassie, and you know I’ve always thought you should live it how you want to. But…we’re a little worried that you might get caught up in something you don’t actually want—”
“We?” I jump on that immediately.
It’s not like I don’t know that they’ve been talking about me, but I still find the confirmation irritating as fuck.
He sighs. “Maria and I. We’re just concerned, Cassie, that’s all. We want what’s best for you.”
I blink, actually surprised it’s just them. I was expecting my Mom to have her unending input as well.
“And you don’t think Josh is what’s best for me.” I come out and say it. I’ve never liked trying to talk in hints and muted understandings.
To my surprise, he actually takes my hand, and that forces me to look over at him.
“It’s not that. Not exactly. If you think he’s the right person…then only you can know that. But we’re not sure you’ve really thought about what life might look like with this guy.” He says.
I raise an eyebrow, continuing the charade, but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. Mark seems so…genuine. And like he’s trying so hard.
“I know how much you want to be a doctor, Cassie, and it’s already obvious you’re going to have an amazing career. But…there’s a difference between a supportive partner, and someone who wants to rely on that income. Please don’t let yourself be taken advantage of like that.”
I frown at him, confused more than anything. “What makes you think Josh is like that?”
What’s he been saying that we haven’t talked about?
It’s not so much that he’s come up with more reasons for my family to dislike him, but that we’re meant to be working together on this.
Mark looks awkward now. “Well, he said something. At Beth’s party. I guess you were too—you don’t remember.”
“What did he say?” I’m curious now, and actually have to make an effort to seem concerned.
“Mom asked if he was concerned that your career might get in the way of…things—”
“Of course she did.” I mutter.
I vaguely remember her accosting me with something similar at several points that night.
“And he just said how thrilled he was that you’d be taking care of him while he tries to get his acting career off the ground.” Mark’s lip curls in faint disgust, but I just burst out laughing.
I can’t help myself.
“Oh god…did he rea
lly?” I ask, feeling thrilled myself.
I can just imagine the look on Mom’s face. She must have been dying inside.
“Cassie, c’mon.” He turns annoyed. “It’s not actually funny—”
I laugh again, shaking my head. “It really is, Mark.”
I glance over towards Josh with a renewed burst of appreciation.
“Hey, listen.” He squeezes my hand again, and after a few moments I give in and force myself to listen, but I’m still smiling. “I get it, you know. After…everything here, having someone who thinks like that way and wants you to be a doctor might seem amazing. But…look, just think about it for me, okay? I…it’s not always easy being the only person supporting the family, you know. That sort of pressure, responsibility, feeling like it’s all on you…sometimes it’s hard as fuck, and then you can’t help wondering how it would be different, if maybe, your partner was a little more of a partner. You’re great at what you do, Cassie. But you might not want that kind of life.”
My smile fades, and I watch as his eyes flick unwittingly towards Anne, standing with Maria and watching the kids.
Ohh…shit.
I’ve always looked up to Mark. He has a great job, the sort of ambition I’ve always mirrored, and now he’s got where he wants to be and is stable enough to start and support a family. But we all know that Anne left college straight after marrying him, and hasn’t worked a day in her life.
I’d just…never thought he might have wanted something else.
“Mark…is everything okay with you?” I finally ask.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Things are good, and I wouldn’t change Anne or the little one inside her for anything in the world.” He shrugs and gives me another smile. “But it’s hard sometimes, that’s all. And I didn’t really think about it, before it happened. So I just want to make sure that you do.”
I swallow, feeling suddenly guilty.
As much as I struggle to get on with my family sometimes, Mark has always been supportive, and it’s obvious how much he cares. He’s here, opening up about all this personal stuff…while everything he’s worried about is a lie.
I look away, ashamed and wondering whether this whole thing was a stupid, fucked-up mistake.
My eyes gravitate to where Josh is lying out on the kayak now, looking up at the sky, and that feeling redoubles.
If I’ve wrecked our friendship too…
“Maria—” Mark starts up again, mistaking my avoidance for something else. “Last thing, really, but I promised I’d mention it. I know how you feel about us talking about you having kids, and that you’ve never been sure exactly what you want—”
I’ve always wanted kids.
I think it, but I don’t say it. I do know what I want. My family has just never taken not now the right way.
“—but we’re worried you might be pressured into something you don’t want, before you’ve had a chance to think about it properly. Josh…seems pretty certain, and it can be easy to think these things don’t matter when you really care about someone. But they do, Cassie. And he seems very reluctant to give you the time and space to decide for yourself.”
That was what I’d expected him to open with, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear. I’m still staring at the water, at my best friend lying there as if he has no concerns in the world.
Taking advantage of me. Pressuring me into giving up kids. No good, lazy, self-centered bastard.
It’s the image he’d been aiming for. It’s what we wanted them to think. And he’s succeeding spectacularly.
But I can’t help feeling it’s unfair. Especially after Mark was so open with me…the idea of him thinking all those things of Josh…it’s almost painful.
“I think…Josh is a better man than you know.” I say quietly, instead.
I can’t help wanting to defend him.
At the worst, it’ll fit with the image of how devastated I’m going to be when he breaks up with me.
Not that I really want to think about that, all of a sudden.
Mark doesn’t say anything, but I can tell it’s not what he wanted to hear. We both stare off towards the water for what feels like a long time, before he finally turns back to me.
“Cassie…” He rests a hand on my shoulder, and when I look up I realize that this is the most awkward I’ve seen him.
I frown, turning towards him too, until we’re facing each other and he’s not quite meeting my eyes.
“I…don’t really know how to say this. But I think there’s something you should know—”
He’s cut off by a sudden scream from the water - not the squealing and laughter the kids have been making the whole time, but something more.
We both turn towards it as one, and John’s harsh shout comes almost on top of it.
I jump up, trying to see what’s happening, and see Lucas flailing about in the water. It takes a moment to realize it’s not him screaming - it’s Maria.
Fuck.
Mark and I take off towards the shore at a breakneck pace, and as we get closer I realize the damned stupid boy doesn’t have his life jacket on.
The only thing supporting his frenzied splashing are a couple of floaties that look liable to slip off at any moment. The lake doesn’t have much of a current, but the wind skimming the surface is making it rough enough that it keeps splashing over his head.
John is desperately battling with the paddle to turn the kayak back towards him, trying to keep Ellie lodged between his legs while she’s crying and reaching out for her brother. If it weren’t for her, he’d probably already be in the water after Lucas, and my gut clenches as I think of how hard that decision must be to make.
Maria’s wading into the water, but she’s almost hysterical, they’re in the middle of the lake and there’s no chance—
A crash from further down the lake has me looking up, only to see Josh’s empty kayak and paddle floating on the water. My eyes dart around, looking for him, and I eventually find him cutting through the water in a direct line towards Lucas.
My heart rises into my throat, and I reach the edge of the water with Mark to realize there’s still absolutely nothing we can do now that we’re here. Josh isn’t close, but he’s moving faster than I would’ve guessed, and I can hear Lucas’s intermittent crying and spluttering as he starts to panic now.
My gaze darts between them both, and Mark grabs my hand, both of us gripping the other hard as Josh gets closer.
Oh, please…
One of Lucas’s floaties slips off with his desperate thrashing, and then he goes under. Maria screams again, and he surfaces a moment later, battling hard with the water and looking absolutely terrified.
Then Josh is there.
He grabs hold of Lucas and twists so that he’s swimming on his back, Lucas supported on top of him and held with Josh’s hands under his arms. Josh kicks hard, propelling them both toward where we’re waiting with just his feet, and I have a moment to stare in shock at how effortlessly he’s handling this. It looks like he’s done it before.
“Has he done that before?” Mark nudges me, in an almost exact echo of my own thoughts.
“I have no idea.” I say, the honest truth. Not anytime I’ve been with him, and we’ve certainly never talked about anything like this.
But then it’s not the sort of thing to randomly come up.
They’re with us a few minutes later, Josh standing as soon as it’s shallow enough and wading over to where Maria is standing waist-deep.
She clutches Lucas to her, sobbing loudly, but manages to turn and head in our direction, calling out for me.
It’s not until I hear my name that I remember I’m training to be a doctor.
I’m meant to be helping, not standing around staring in shock and horror.
I shake myself, and as soon as Maria has lowered Lucas to the ground, I start trying to look him over.
It’s hard as hell, because he’s coughing and spluttering and crying out for his Mom - but that’s p
robably the best sign I could get anyway.
John is only a moment behind us, grounding the kayak on the shore with a crash and jumping out of it, handing Ellie over to a still-shocked Anne before falling to his knees beside me.
“It’s okay…it’s okay…” I repeat, trying to sound self-assured and confident, when my own terror is still painful and sharp inside me.
It is going to be okay. I can tell that much already. But…fuck. It still doesn’t feel like it.
I help Lucas cough and retch up the rest of the water in his system, holding him and rubbing his back. Maria could probably have easily done the same, but I know the fact that I’m almost-qualified makes her feel better about it.
After that’s done, though, there’s nothing that could keep Lucas away from Maria’s arms. He clings to her and sobs and shakes and she rocks him back and forth, still shaking herself.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” He wails it over and over again, hiccuping and sobbing.
It twists at my heart as I stand up and step back, letting John get close to both of them.
I stand there staring painfully for a long, long moment, still shocked and on the brink of tears myself.
When I finally realize that I haven’t moved, I take a few painful breaths and stumble away from them, not wanting to interfere. To the side, Mark and Anne are comforting Ellie and each other, and I hesitate to intrude on them, either.
Instead, I walk a little way up from the shore, starting to shake myself now.
It isn’t until I glance up that I see Josh there, looking back at me. His chest is still rising and falling harshly from the swim, and he’s completely soaked, but my breath catches in my throat at the sight of him.
I bite my lip, too many emotions to register crashing through me, feeling helpless and vulnerable.
He just opens his arms, and then I’m there, right there.
As safe and protected as Lucas was.
Josh’s arms wrapped around me, squeezing me tight and holding me close. He’s the one that actually did anything here, but he’s murmuring in my ear anyway, telling me it’s alright, that it’s okay.
I cling to him unashamedly, more relieved than I can possibly express that he’s right here with me. That I have Josh, whether he’s my friend or fake boyfriend or one-time lover.
