Clovenhoof & the Trump of Doom
Page 16
YES – The bucium is a real instrument and as described.
YES – There are liqueurs, made by monks, which are believed to bestow life-giving properties. Amaro del Capo consists of herbs, flowers, fruit and roots from the Calabrian region of Italy infused in the finest alcohol to aid digestion and give a feeling of wellbeing.
YES – Some Americans believe Hillary has a double who attends functions on her behalf.
YES – Some Americans believe Hillary is in a lesbian relationship with Huma Abedin.
YES – Some Americans believe the missing e-mails kept on Hillary’s private server implicate her in a number of state-sanctioned assassinations.
YES – Some Americans believe a Democrat-focussed conspiracy killed Vince Foster, Ron Brown and Kathleen Willey’s cat.
YES – Some Americans believe that ‘chemtrails’, the fictional chemical sprayed from the wingtips of jumbo jets, are killing off the angels in heaven.
YES - Re-read those last five statements. Now go google them. Seriously.
YES – In Mondsee, you can visit the church where Maria is married in The Sound of Music. Tour buses visit it on a daily basis.
YES - Under the Austrian anti-Nazi Prohibition Act, you can be arrested and jailed for giving a Nazi salute or shouting ‘Heil Hitler’.
YES – Trump accused the Democrats of paying people $1,500 to disrupt Trump rallies.
YES – Trump made many allegations that the Democrats were rigging the election.
YES – Following a shout of ‘Gun!’, Trump was rushed from the stage of his Reno rally on 5th November.
NO – There was no gun. There was a man called Austyn Crites, a Republican, who had brought a ‘Republicans against Trump’ sign with him. He was arrested but released without charge.
YES – The 27km long Large Hadron Collider, operated by CERN, runs under both Switzerland and France.
NO – It’s probably not possible to drive from Reno to Florida in the time that Clovenhoof manages it in. With no sleep and a loose attitude to speed limits, it’d be close but no.
YES – Allegedly, Margaret Thatcher banned the BBC from playing the Havana Let’s Go song Torpedoes for fear of causing upset during the Falklands Conflict.
YES – An Asian elephant did make a surprising appearance at a Trump rally in Sarasota, Florida. However, that was in April 2016, not November.
NO – Chickens and doves are not the same animal and no EU directive says they are.
NO – The Large Hadron Collider cannot make a black hole, accidentally or deliberately. Some people believe it can but they’re not scientists.
YES – Up until Clovenhoof’s conversation with him in New York, every piece of dialogue attributed to Donald Trump in this book was a direct quote as reported by US or UK media and given in the situation portrayed.
NO – Clovenhoof and Donald Trump did not meet on the night of the election, obviously. Donald Trump is not known to have said any of the things he said in that conversation. It’s fiction, folks.
YES – However, in that conversation, all those things Trump said he would do, starting with settling the Trump University lawsuit and finishing with the appointment of Steve Bannon to his staff are things he has done or tried to do since becoming President-elect.
YES – Steve Bannon’s Breitbart News publishes news stories with headlines like, ‘Birth control makes woman unattractive and crazy.’
YES – Trump appointed Scott Pruitt to run the Environment Protection Agency. Pruitt does not believe that manmade climate change exists.
YES – Trump has spoken publicly more than once about the size and beauty of his fingers/penis.
YES – The Democrats did cancel their New York fireworks display on election night.
NO – Clovenhoof didn’t steal them.
YES – Donald Trump won the election. What are you going to do about it?
Thanks, Mike!
A conversation, paraphrased.
“Hey, Mike.”
“Sup?”
“You know that great job you do for us on our books?”
“I sure do. I’m a professional and always do a great job and am rightly rewarded for my efforts with actual money and none of that ‘exposure’ nonsense.”
“Well, we’ve decided to write a novella about Trump but we’ve only got a month to do it in. Stupid, huh?”
“The novella’s stupid? Or Trump? Or the fact that you’ve only given yourself a month to write a 40,000 word book?”
“We couldn’t really say. Anyway, that brilliant thing you do for us, that usually takes five weeks. Can you do it in five days?”
“I sure can.”
“Wow! You’re amazing, Mike. Thanks!”
(Mike Chinn is an amazing editor. Mike Watts is an amazing illustrator. Both are googleable.)
About the Authors
Heide and Iain are currently citizens of the European Union, although possibly not for much longer.
They are married but not to each other.
Heide lives in North Warwickshire with her husband and children.
Iain lives in south Birmingham with his wife and daughters.
Many, many thanks for reading this book.
Readers are the reason that we do this, and we appreciate each and every one of you.
If you'd be kind enough to leave a review, we'd be very grateful for the feedback.
If you want to hear about new releases, sign up for Heide & Iain's very occasional newsletter here: http://pigeonparkpress.com/
Clovenhoof by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Charged with gross incompetence, Satan is fired from his job as Prince of Hell and exiled to that most terrible of places: English suburbia. Forced to live as a human under the name of Jeremy Clovenhoof, the dark lord not only has to contend with the fact that no one recognises him or gives him the credit he deserves but also has to put up with the bookish wargamer next door and the voracious man-eater upstairs.
Heaven, Hell and the city of Birmingham collide in a story that features murder, heavy metal, cannibalism, armed robbers, devious old ladies, Satanists who live with their mums, gentlemen of limited stature, dead vicars, petty archangels, flamethrowers, sex dolls, a blood-soaked school assembly and way too much alcohol.
Clovenhoof is outrageous and irreverent (and laugh out loud funny!) but it is also filled with huge warmth and humanity. Written by first-time collaborators Heide Goody and Iain Grant, Clovenhoof will have you rooting for the bad guy like never before.
F. Paul Wilson: "Clovenhoof is a delight. A funny, often hilarious romp with a dethroned Satan as he tries to adjust to modern suburbia. The breezy, ironic prose sets a perfect tone. If you need some laughs, here's the remedy."
US: http://www.amazon.com/Clovenhoof-ebook/dp/B008PYLULG/
UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Clovenhoof-ebook/dp/B008PYLULG/
Oddjobs by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
It’s the end of the world as we know it, but someone still needs to do the paperwork. Incomprehensible horrors from beyond are going to devour our world but that’s no excuse to get all emotional about it. Morag Murray works for the secret government organisation responsible for making sure the apocalypse goes as smoothly and as quietly as possible. In her first week on the job, Morag has to hunt down a man-eating starfish, solve a supernatural murder and, if she’s got time, prevent her own inevitable death. The first book in a new comedy series by the creators of ‘Clovenhoof’, Oddjobs is a sideswipe at the world of work and a fantastical adventure featuring amphibian wannabe gangstas, mad old cat ladies, ancient gods, apocalyptic scrabble, fish porn, telepathic curry and, possibly, the end of the world before the weekend.
US: https://www.amazon.com/Oddjobs-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B01GVT13XQ
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Oddjobs-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B01GVT13XQ
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