The Girl of His Dreams

by Susan Mallery

  She raised her head. His gaze locked on her mouth. He could think of nothing but kissing her, tasting her, holding her close.

  He set the box on the railing and reached for her. She came willingly, choking out a sob that tore at his heart. They hugged each other close, gripping tightly, as if they feared being torn apart.

  “Kayla, I’ve missed you,” he whispered into her hair.

  “I’ve been right here.”

  “For now.”

  She started to step back to look at him, but he didn’t release her. He didn’t want her to see his face and know what he was thinking.

  “What does that mean?” she asked.

  Instead of answering, he pressed his mouth to hers.

  Their lips touched gently, brushing against each other. Neither tried to deepen the kiss. Passion burned hot, yet this chaste contact was enough. He knew that if he did more, he would have to be with her. Not just for tonight, but for always.

  “Patrick.” The word whispered against his cheek.

  He dropped his hands to his sides and turned to the stairs.

  “Stay,” she said. “You’d be welcome. My sisters are dying to get to know you.”

  “I have to get to work.”

  “Then come back after the clinic closes. We’ll still be here.”

  He shook his head. She didn’t know what she was asking. “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  He climbed halfway down the flight, then glanced back at her. Her golden curls tumbled over her shoulders. Her old jeans and T-shirt outlined her body, and the vision tempted him. She tempted him. The sun dipped lower, catching a finger of light on one of the diamonds in her bracelet.

  She clutched the railing. “Why can’t you come back?”

  He had no strength to lie. “Because it hurts too much.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Someone was pounding on the front door. Patrick glanced at the VCR clock and saw it was barely past seven in the morning. As he tossed the newspaper on the sofa, he stood up and headed for the door.

  Kayla, he thought with one part anticipation, two parts dread. If she’d come looking for an explanation of what he’d told her yesterday, she wasn’t going to get one. If she’d come to tempt him, he was weak enough not to resist.

  But when he opened the door, the tall, golden-blond, green-eyed beauty on his porch wasn’t Kayla.

  “I know it’s early,” Elissa said, and shrugged. “Kayla mentioned you wouldn’t be leaving for the clinic until eight-thirty. I was going to wait for another hour before I bothered you, but when I saw you come out and get the paper, I knew you were up.”

  “Come in,” he said, stepping back and motioning her inside. What was she doing here? Something about the set of her shoulders and the determination in her gaze told him this wasn’t just a social call.

  “I’ve made coffee,” he told her.

  She shook her head. “I’ve had some, thanks.”

  As she sat on the sofa, he took in her neat braid and the pale blue sundress that fell nearly to her ankles. He rubbed the stubble on his jawline and glanced down at his old shorts and torn T-shirt. “I wasn’t expecting company.”

  “I know. Sorry.”

  He pushed the loose newspaper onto the floor and settled at the opposite end of the couch. “Why do I think I’d feel better if you actually looked sorry?”

  She gave him a faint smile that faded quickly. “You want to know why I’m here.”

  “That’s a start.” Although he had a fair idea. He and Elissa only had one thing in common.

  “It’s about Kayla,” she said.

  “Okay. What about Kayla?”

  Elissa angled toward him. She pressed her knees tightly together and rested her hands on her lap. “You’re breaking her heart.”

  He’d expected a lot of accusations, but not that one. If anyone’s heart was on the line in this situation, it was his. “You’re exaggerating,” he said. “Kayla may be a little confused by some of my actions—”

  She cut in before he could finish. “Confused? You gave her a beautiful birthday present, yet instead of being happy she spent the rest of the day fighting off tears. When I asked her why, she didn’t want to say. Finally she admitted you were ignoring her.”

  “I haven’t been ignoring her. I came by yesterday.”

  “That’s not what she meant, and you know it.” Elissa’s eyes darkened to the color of emeralds. Her shoulders straightened, as if she were preparing to fight to protect those she cared about. “Kayla was a virgin when you made love. I can’t believe how you’re treating her. I thought you were a decent guy, but obviously I was wrong.”

  Her words caught him off guard, like an unexpected slap. The sting lingered as he wrestled with conflicting emotions. He knew he’d been distant with Kayla, but his intentions were honorable. At least that was what he told himself.

  Elissa sighed. “By the look on your face, my comments aren’t that far from the truth. And before you ask, the answer is no. Kayla didn’t discuss the details of what happened that night. It was easy to figure out you two had been intimate. As for the other thing—” She waved her hand in the air.

  Patrick assumed “the other thing” meant Kayla’s virginity.

  “I was guessing about her innocence,” Elissa continued, confirming his thoughts. “The look on your face tells me I was right.”

  “Why did you think she was innocent?”

  “Because she’s always been a little wary of romantic relationships. She holds men at arm’s length. Not in an obvious way. She’s friendly and spends a lot of time with them, but doesn’t really allow them to get close. At least not physically. I’ve never been able to figure out why. I think some of it has to do with her accident. She realizes, more than most, how quickly life can change. Maybe she wants to avoid being vulnerable. And then she’d got that silly idea about love being a tornado. She wants to be swept away.”

  He nodded. Elissa was right. “There’s also the scars.”

  Delicate eyebrows drew together. “What?”

  “The scars from the accident. She feels self-conscious about them.”

  “She still has scars?”

  “On her stomach and chest. The tops of her thighs, too. They’re faint, but there.”

  Elissa relaxed slightly, leaning against the back of the sofa. “I never knew. I saw them when we were still kids, but I assumed they’d faded away. Scars. Fallon and I should have thought about that. No wonder she felt self-conscious about going to the beach. She always wore a one-piece bathing suit and shorts. I figured she was shy.”

  She looked at him. “As triplets, you’d think we’d be better at guessing her secrets.”

  “The accident changed everything.”

  “I know. When Kayla was injured for a year, it’s almost like the three of us disconnected a little. I regret that.” Her mouth twisted. “So she hasn’t shown the scars to us, but she let you see them.”

  And touch them and kiss them, he thought, remembering how lovely she’d been. Those faint white lines on her skin had simply made her unique. They were as much a part of her as her smile, or the way she spoke his name. He treasured her trust.

  “Do you care about her?” Elissa asked.

  Easy question, difficult choice of answers. He could take the cheater’s way out and say of course he did—they were friends. He could make up some story about people having different needs at different times in their lives. Or he could tell her the truth.

  He chose the latter. “I love her.”

  Elissa’s eyes widened. “I didn’t expect that.”

  “Neither did I. But now I do, and I can’t make those feelings disappear.”

  “I don’t understand,” she said. “If you love her, why are you ignoring her? She said she tried to hug you a couple of times, but you didn’t respond. I thought you’d decided being lovers had been a mistake. Obviously that’s not the reason.”

  He shook his head. “There’s no way I can regre
t what happened between us that night. I’ll keep those memories forever. But I can’t risk making the situation worse. Kayla has already decided what she wants, and it’s not me. If I told her how I felt, she would be confused. Because I love her, I want to make it easy for her to walk away.”

  She leaned forward and touched his knee. “I can’t decide if you’re the most noble man I’ve ever met, or a fool. I want to say you’re a fool. I want to make you tell her the truth, but in this situation, I think you’re making the right choice.”

  He hadn’t expected validation. Instead of making him feel justified, her words left him with the sensation of being trapped in an underground prison. There was no light, no relief, no chance of escape.

  “Life is about timing,” she said. “This is Kayla’s time to live her dreams. Maybe, when she’s met her prince, she’ll realize there’s someone just as wonderful waiting at home.”

  Or maybe she won’t, he thought, swallowing hard. Either way, as long as Kayla was happy, he would survive.

  She gave him a sad smile. “I fell in love once. To someone I’d known for a long time. When the three of us were still doing ‘The Sally McGuire Show,’ we ‘adopted’ an orphanage, visiting the children there, writing letters, sending gifts, that sort of thing. One boy, Cole, used to talk to me. He was five years older than me and, at eleven, I was thrilled a sixteen-year-old boy would even notice me. We started writing to each other and became friends.”

  She kept her gaze fixed on him, but he sensed she’d left the room and was instead caught up in the past. “We started dating when I was seventeen. For me, it was love at first sight. The second I saw him standing on the doorstep, smiling at me, I knew he was the one. But he was older and concerned, so he took it very slowly. We were married when I was twenty.”

  “It didn’t work out?” he asked.

  “No.” She shook her head. “I accept most of the blame. I was away from home, I missed my sisters and my friends. I—”

  She gave him a rueful smile. “Sorry. I’m sure you’re not interested in the details. The point is, it wasn’t our time. We both loved each other, but love turned out not to be enough.”

  “It’s not time for Kayla and me, either,” he said. And even if it was, he didn’t know if she loved him. She cared. Obviously. But caring wasn’t love. He suspected her feelings were a result of their physical intimacy and not because she’d discovered a new emotional depth to their relationship. In time, she would see that and let the memories of their night together fade until they blurred, like words from an old newspaper.

  “I agree it doesn’t appear to be your time, but neither of us can know for sure. A minute ago, I told you keeping your feelings from Kayla was right. Now I’m not so sure. If you let her go without telling her you love her, you’re asking her to make a decision without all the facts. Telling her you love her isn’t the same as asking her to stay.”

  She had a point. “I wouldn’t want to pressure her.”

  “Are you concerned about pressure or getting rejected?”

  “Both.”

  “At least you’re honest.”

  “It’s easy to tell you the truth. There’s no risk.”

  She smiled at him. “There’s a little one. I could tell Kayla everything we’ve talked about.”

  “You won’t.”

  “Thanks for trusting me.”

  He touched her shoulder. “You have one very special sister. I doubt you’re all that different from her.”

  “If you trust me to keep your secrets, can’t you trust me enough to take my advice? At least think about telling her your feelings before she leaves.”

  He didn’t want to think about Kayla leaving at all, let alone what he would say to her when the moment came.

  “Please?” Elissa asked. “For Kayla’s sake?”

  For Kayla’s sake, he would do anything. “I’ll consider it,” he promised.

  ***

  “And I’ll write you every day,” Allison said, sniffing.

  Kayla tried to smile. “That’s a big commitment. How about every week, instead?”

  “Okay.” The little girl wiped away her tears. “My mom said you’re leaving, too. On vacation. Are you gonna send me postcards from Paris?”

  “Of course. Lots of them.”

  Allison was leaving for her new rehabilitation facility later that afternoon. Kayla had wanted to stop by to say goodbye.

  “Is it pretty there?” Allison asked.

  “Very pretty. There are lots of old buildings and museums, little cafes and wonderful stores.”

  “Oh. I guess it’s nice, but I’d rather stay here and play with the dogs. Won’t you miss them?”

  “Very much. But I’ll be back.”

  “Then you’re gonna start visiting kids again?”

  That part of her future hadn’t been decided. Kayla wasn’t sure what would happen when she came back. She hadn’t yet decided how long she would be gone. After Paris, there was the triplets’ Christmas plans for the Caribbean. In the spring—she wasn’t sure. As much as she might want her old job back, she doubted Patrick would offer it to her. Too much had changed; they would never go back to the way things had been just a few months ago.

  “I’ll never visit a kid as special as you are,” Kayla said, and hugged Allison. Her eyes began to burn. She’d wanted to avoid crying, but that seemed unlikely. Leaving was a lot harder than she’d imagined.

  “When I grow up, I’m going to be just like you,” Allison said, her voice muffled.

  “No, honey. You’re going to be your own person, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

  Allison nodded. “I want to be a doctor who takes care of kids like me.”

  “You’ll be a great doctor.”

  A nurse stepped into the room. “I hate to interrupt, but we have to get her ready to travel.”

  “I understand.” Kayla kissed Allison’s cheek, then straightened. “I’ll write.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Be good to Rhonda.”

  “I promise I’ll love her forever.” Allison’s gaze was so intense, and she spoke so earnestly, Kayla had no trouble believing her.

  “I know you will. Bye.” She waved, then walked out of the room.

  Once in the hallway, she leaned against the wall and squeezed her eyes shut. The action didn’t help. Tears flowed down her cheeks faster than she could brush them away. She heard footsteps.

  “Give me a second,” she said, her voice thick with emotion.

  “I’m in no rush.”

  She couldn’t judge Patrick’s feelings from his voice. Not that looking at him would help at all. Lately, he’d become a stranger.

  She gulped back a sob and struggled for control. “Did you see Allison’s mother?”

  “Yes. Rhonda is doing fine and enjoying all the attention. They have an appointment to bring her into the clinic at the end of the month, just to make sure she’s adjusting. But I don’t think there’s going to be a problem.”

  She sniffed and wiped her face again. “I’m sure you’re right. A family is just what she needs.”

  The tears had stopped, and she risked opening her eyes. Patrick stood a couple of feet away, his attention focusing on the nurse’s station at the far end of the corridor. She didn’t know if he was being polite and giving her privacy, or if he just didn’t care.

  She studied his face, the shape of his head, his body. She’d been so sure she knew everything about him. What had changed?

  “Stay.”

  “l cant.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it hurts too much.”

  Their brief conversation played over and over in her head, as it had ever since her birthday, last Monday. Why had he said that to her? What hurt? Being with her? Being around her? Had she done something horrible? Had he grown to hate her that much?

  He glanced at her. “Feeling better?”

  She nodded.

  “Then let’s go,” he said lightly.

>   He started down the corridor, but she didn’t move. He retreated to her side. “What’s wrong?”

  She stared into his blue eyes and wondered what he was thinking. “Does any of this matter?” she asked.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Me. Us. You’re a stranger. I don’t know how or why, but you’ve gone away.”

  Impatience pulled his mouth straight. “You’re exaggerating. You’re the one going away. I’m simply trying to make that easier for both of us.”

  “By ignoring me?”

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not ignoring you, Kayla. I’m here, aren’t I?”

  She wanted to step toward him, to hug him close and be hugged in return. But despite the kiss they’d shared on her birthday, she remained wary. He’d rejected her before. She wasn’t sure she could handle his coldness again.

  “Here but not here,” she said, and dropped her gaze to the floor. “This is hard for me, Patrick. It hurts.” She wasn’t sure if she was describing missing him, or leaving. It didn’t matter—both were painful. “Don’t you care anymore? “

  “Of course I care.” I love you.

  She didn’t actually hear the words, but for a moment they seemed to echo in the room. Something shifted in her heart. Something frightened and hibernating burst into life. It was as if she were seeing colors for the first time.

  Paris, her dreams, a prince, her job, his research facility, their night together, the details and complications, the wonder, all tumbled together. They would work it out. Why not? He loved her. He—

  He reached forward and ruffled her bangs. “We’ve been a part of each other’s lives for years. You’re the best friend I have, Kayla. I’m willing to admit I’ve been a little withdrawn, but that’s because I’m going to miss you when you’re gone. Maybe it’s selfish, but it’s easier for me if I pull back early.” He gave her a crooked smile. “Besides, compared to European royalty, I’m going to look pretty tame, right? I figure three days after hitting Paris you’ll be kicking yourself for not visiting sooner. You’re going to forget all about me.”

  Pain enveloped her like a thick, wet blanket. His words came from a long way off, filtered almost, the sound muffled. But she heard every one of them. The meaning was clear.