It Is What it Is

by Ivory B.

  Stanks relaxed and began to doze off once he noticed they had surpassed the hustle and bustle of the city, he shifted putting his leg out chumping the dude next to him by taking up most of the space on the seat. Just as he thought the Russian didn’t do anything, he remained quite as a church mouse as the bus traveled on. Stanks never saw the grimace plastered on the face of the man sitting beside him. Little did he know the man sitting next to him was already going to jail for a very long time on a murder wrap but his family would be well taken care of financially. Stanks was super relaxed with his guard down and his eyes closed when he suddenly felt a sharp pain rip through his side puncturing his lung and left kidney. His eyes shot open and he saw that the Russian had stuck him with a shank. He tried to grab his assailants hands with both his handcuffed hands but that only seemed to make his attacker push the blade in deeper. The Russian smiled when he saw the look of shock, panic and fright in Stanks’ eyes. He twisted the blade while he pressed the sharp metal further into his flesh. Stanks need for survival kicked in and a short struggle ensued catching the attention of fellow prisoners on the bus. The smell of blood infused the air as the blade was snatched from Stanks body and plunged back into him repeatedly. “Yooo stop the bus! Stop the bus, that Russian nigga back here catching a body!” One inmate screamed. The bus came to a sudden halt and two guards came rushing down the aisle towards the back of the bus hands over their weapons. The Russian leaned in close to Stanks ear and whispered in a thick Russian accent “Los sends his regards,” right before jamming the blade into his jugular. Blood squirted from Stanks’ neck spraying the wall above and behind his head. “Oh shit! They got niggaz back here with Hannibal Lector!” Another inmate screamed with urgency. “Drop the knife! Drop the fuckin knife,” a guard screamed with his gun drawn. The Russian dropped the shank immediately and put his hands up showing no resistance at all as he was grabbed and slammed to the bus floor. He didn’t care, he had nothing to lose what could they possibly give him life on top of life.1 million American dollars would go a long way for his family back in Russia and the earth would be better with one less snitch was his mindset. “We need a bus! We need a bus we got an inmate in pretty bad condition,” Another guard screamed into a walkie talkie. Despite their best efforts Stanks was pronounced dead on arrival.

  No Place Like Home

  Los was feeling heavy. It was as if he had to always look and act the part, knowing the people around him would be looking for someone to hold them down and be that rock. They failed to understand he needed strength as well. He knew exactly where to get it from, that was Mom Dukes. No matter what happened in life he knew her love was always unwavering, plus she had the ability to make the biggest drama seem insignificant.

  He entered the house with his own key only to be met at the door by Cathy. She took a look at her son standing there holding this little fufu dog in his hand. If you could imagine the imagery of him looking extra thugged out that day in a black Champion hoodie, dark denim jeans and Timbs holding a toy dog it was almost comical. “Uhh what is that? Boy you know I don’t do animals.” “Ma c’mon what you want me to do leave him in the house alone to starve to death?” Cathy looked over at the dog who was staring at her with the biggest puppy dog eyes as if he were in a dog pound looking up at a person to possibly take him home. Her facial expression softened and then she smiled. “Well he is cute as a button. Just make sure his ass don’t use the bathroom all over my house.” “Nah he good, he house trained” Los assured putting Peanut Butter down to tour the house on his own.

  Cathy looked at her son as he entered her house. He had changed so much and the transformation was so obvious. No longer did he wear multiple chains around his neck. The only thing that adorned his neck was a beaded rosary styled chain. But instead of the chain being made out of beads it was made of black and white diamonds. Or he would either wear an iced out Jesus piece chain. His wrists, well he always had a thing for extravagant watches so naturally he held on to that much of his style but the iced out bracelets were no more. The most obvious change was his demeanor. He seemed to be way more in touch with his feelings, where in the past he had a hard time expressing them. Nowadays it was nothing for Cathy to get her usual well being call from Los. Where he would call to ask her how she was? And how her day was? But the most special part about those calls is that he would end them with I love you. Now in the past Cathy would have to say it first and he would say it back begrudgingly, it was as if you were pulling his tongue for him to actually say the words. Cathy didn’t know exactly what Lucky had done to her son. All she knew was that it was for the better and any woman that changes a man for the better, is a woman to keep.

  After raiding the fridge for leftovers he joined his mother on the couch where she looked to be very into her Lifetime movie. Los flopped down on the couch leaning his head on his mother’s shoulder. Cathy looked at Carlos giving him her undivided attention. “So what do I owe the pleasure of having you here? Is this about Buju and his mom?” Los didn’t respond he just looked straight ahead at the television. She took the silence to mean yes. It was true; after seeing someone you know and care about go through something so tragic it brings the what if’s to the forefront of your thoughts. “Well whatever the reason for the visit thank you for coming to visit this old lady.” Los took a long exasperated sigh pulling his snapback off his head and tossing it to the side. Cathy stopped and stared at her son with her head slightly tilted. She reached up and raked her fingers through his head full of jet black, thick, but soft curly coils. She picked one curl up stretched it out to its full length then let it go and watched as it rolled right back up into a curl. “You haven’t let your hair grow out in so long; I almost forgot what it looked like.” Carlos had what some people would call good hair, even though she never referred to it as such. As she continued to run her fingers through his hair it suddenly dawned on her that he hadn’t asked about Lucky at all, which was alarming because in the past her name would be one of the first things out of his mouth after he said his pleasantries.

  “No I haven’t heard from her.” Cathy offered without him asking. “Ha? What you talkin about?” “I’m talking about Lucky.” “I haven’t asked you anything about her.” “Exactly, and that’s why I’m bringing her up. What’s going on Carlos are you giving up on her?” “Give up? She the one you should be asking that question, not me. I’m here she not, that should tell you who gave up on who,” Carlos responded in a agitated tone while shaking his head back and forth as if he couldn’t believe his mother’s question. Cathy could see the immediate change in his mood. The burdened look on his face said it all. “Well I don’t mean to sound cliché but you know the old saying if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you…” “Mom c’mon not right now,” Los said cutting his mother off. Cathy decided to change the subject knowing this was a sore spot for him. “Are you ready for your trip?” “As ready as I’m going to be considering everything.” “I know baby, I know.” Cathy said sympathizing with everything her son had been going through lately. “I really don’t wanna leave without knowing where she at or if she’s alright, but it is what it is,” Los said throwing his hands up as if he gave up on stressing over his and Lucky’s current situation. Carlos sat with Cathy and could only stand to take about 15 minutes of the Lifetime movie before he retired to his old bedroom and had one of the best sleeps he had in awhile.

  Carlos tossed and turned as he desperately tried to get some sleep. He grabbed a pillow and put it over his head only to fling it across the room minutes later. “Hell nah, c’mon are you serious?” he fussed to himself. Staying with his mom these last two days had been great. The food, the attention, everything was good except for this part. His mother had a nightly ritual of listening to the Quiet Storm, Late night love on the radio station every night. 10:00 PM hit and that shit was poppin. She would blast her music on the custom surround system in the house, grab a bottle of wine, and have her own party. Although, she programmed the surround
system only to the first floor the music still traveled upstairs. Los couldn’t understand it; it was as if his mother had no consideration for his current situation. The last thing a nigga wanted to hear is some sad love songs on the radio when he was going through it. Los got up out of bed to make his way down stairs to ask his mother to at least turn the music down a little.

  He froze in the doorway watching his mother as she sang with her eyes closed swaying back and forth. You could tell by her body language that she was in a different time and place. Cathy was singing to Luther belting out high notes and the whole nine. She never noticed Carlos standing in the doorway until she opened her eyes and jumped damn near out of her skin. Cathy threw her hand to her heart showing how truly startled she was, then stared at him for a long second. He had always looked like her late husband but right now he was looking damn near identical. Especially since he had let his hair grow out and was wearing it as his father used to. It was eerie, damn near spooky.

  He looked tired and the expression on his face read annoyance. She didn’t care though; no one was going to stop her party. Cathy went right on back to doing her, singing at the top of her lungs and snapping her fingers. “Oh yeah this was my jam! Baby what you know about this?! Come on Carlito come dance with your mama,” she said holding out her hand. She watched as her son grimaced, dragging his feet walking over to her. The same way he used to when he was a little boy. Some things never change she thought with a smile on her face. She grabbed his hand and started to slow dance with him. Carlos rolled his eyes up to the ceiling as his mother sang pieces of the song and two stepped. Stopping every so often to clap her hands and throw them in the air as if she were in church testifying. “Oh sing it Luther, sing it!” “Yo mom maybe he can sing if you stopped,” Carlos said in a sarcastic way. Cathy shot him a look that let him know he was treading on thin ice. After checking Los, she went right back to singing. “Well well, well wellll!” Carlos scrunched up his forehead as if that last note sounded like nails scratching a chalk board.

  Cathy held Carlos hostage, holding onto one of his hands while her other arm was wrapped around his strong upper back. She sang and two stepped till the end of the song with a smile on her face. All while Carlos suffered through her off key singing and pitch atrocities. Although, Carlos was outwardly indifferent to dancing with his mother, he kinda enjoyed it; it reminded him of old times. And if it made his mom smile he was with it. He couldn’t front though if any song could explain exactly how he was feeling right now it was this one Luther Vandross’s A House is Not a Home. True to the words of the song a house damn sure wasn’t a home with Lucky being gone. And he did wonder sometimes if she was still in love with him?

  The ringing phone brought both Cathy and Los’ attention to the cordless on the coffee table. Cathy finally freed Carlos of her hold and went for the phone. Carlos gave his mother the side eye as she rushed to the phone. He wanted to know just who was calling his mother after 12 AM in the morning. “Hello, you know I am girl. The Dj got it goin on tonite! V girl he playin all me and Carlos old jamz. Uh huh, oh this my song!” His mother screamed. “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me babyyy!” she screamed loudly throwing her hand in the air. “Awe hell nah!” Los muttered under his breath then made a quick beeline back to his bedroom before his mother wanted to dance again.

  While lying in bed in his dark room he thought about his mother. How she looked dancing alone and the comment she made to his Aunt. “They playin all me and Carlos’ old jamz.” It was only then that he wondered if she ever got lonely. His mother hadn’t dated since his father passed and that was a long time ago. There was only one time a man came over baring roses to ask his mother out on a date. Unfortunately for ole boy not only was Carlos there at the time but Nice and Jah was there as well. All three of them ran his ass off the property and after that day no other man ever came back around. Looking back on the situation now, Los knew his reaction to the man asking his mother out on a date was probably a little immature. But at the time he wasn’t ready to see his mother with another man. Now older and a lot wiser he understood his mother deserved to move on with her life and find happiness again. Carlos knew one of the major reasons she hadn’t dated besides the occasional dinner date was because she thought he wouldn’t approve. She was wrong; Carlos had come to terms with his father’s death a long time ago. His father was gone and his mother had the right to a second chance at love. Los was going to make sure he had that talk with her before he left the following day. It was weird that he had a whole new perspective on things since experiencing love himself. Lucky made him have a whole new outlook on life and love.

  Carlos came swagging into the kitchen the next morning and pinched his mother’s cheek just as she attempted to take a bite out of her bagel. Cathy swung at him giving him a hard glare. He knew she hated when he pinched her cheeks and it’s exactly why he did it. “Mom me and PB about to roll out,” Los said through a laugh. Cathy poked her bottom lip out giving him her best sad face. She was actually getting used to having them both around surprisingly since she wasn’t normally sweet on dogs. “Awe c’mon Mom Dukes don’t look like that. I would stay but I gotta get my affairs in order before this trip.” “Unh hunh I know. I can’t say I won’t miss you.” Los smiled as he sat down on a stool pulled up to the kitchen counter. He paused trying to think of the right words to say.

  “Mom it’s…it’s been a while since Pop’s passed. I know he loved you more than life itself and he wouldn’t want anything else but to see you happy.” Cathy swung around to face her son giving him her undivided attention. “I mean, what I’m tryna say is mom…I’m good with you moving on with ya life. I don’t want you to sacrifice your happiness for me cause I’m straight with you…you know meeting new people and dating.” Cathy was downright taken aback and flabbergasted for a moment. She knew Carlos had changed but not this damn much. Whatever Lucky had done to her son she really liked it. Cathy told herself right then and there that she would do any and everything to get him and Lucky back on the right track with each other. Clearly Lucky had a real positive influence on her son.

  The room became silent and a feeling of awkwardness hung in the air. Carlos could see Cathy getting all misty eyed and he always felt uncomfortable seeing his mother that way. “Now hold on, don’t get too excited. There's rules to this dating shit, excuse my French” Carlos said staying true to his domineering ways. “Rules to this?” Cathy shrieked with a smile not believing her son was giving her rules. “Yeah rules, first off you can’t and I mean can’t date any of my boys or anyone even close to my age.” Cathy jerked her head back as if she were insulted that her son would even go there by implying she would date someone his age. That wasn’t even her style. Cathy couldn’t even understand half of the mess these young people were talking about. Carlos caught the expression on her face. “Nah mom I’m dead ass, I can’t have dudes out here talkin bout they smashed my Momz it’s just not a good look.” Cathy smacked Los upside his head playfully. “Boy don’t play with me. You know damn well better than that.” Carlos laughed and his mother had no choice but to laugh as she hugged him tight. The second Carlos left Cathy hopped on the phone and called Tina telling her all about her and Carlos’s conversation. As a result of their children being together the two women had established a close friendship and confided in one another about many things. Cathy had long noticed that she had way more in common with Tina than her own sister. By the end of the conversation they had planned to go to a gala that very weekend for the grown and sexy professional crowd. But their first business at hand was working on getting their kids back together, it was clear to the both of them that Lucky and Los belonged together.

  Like a Moth to a Flame

  It had been a few days since Carlos stayed with his mother and now he was back in this big ass lonely house. As soon as he stepped foot through the front door Peanut Butter was on his heels following him all around the house. Carlos showered and headed to bed not without turning on t
he radio and tuning into the Quiet Storm for midnight love. Yeah he didn’t know how or why it happened but his mother’s nightly ritual had rubbed off on him. Night after night he listened to the radio until he fell asleep.

  Lucky lay awake in the hotel room listening to the same syndicated radio program as Los. The level of anxiety she was experiencing was almost overwhelming. Something didn’t feel right and she couldn’t put her finger on it, something in her soul was troubled. By all accounts it seemed as if her original plan of staying away from home to get over Los was a bust. How could she have been away from home for a couple of days shy of two months and still feel as if she couldn’t do this thing called life without him? At first her anger fueled her to stay away. Then it was as if her anger transformed into sadness, her sadness turned into her feeling homesick, now her homesickness somehow morphed into her feeling depressed.

  Depression was having an awful affect on Lucky physically. As if the body aches and fatigue weren’t bad enough the fact she didn’t have an appetite made things that much worse. At times it felt as if her body was going through withdrawal symptoms, like she was going cold turkey from an addiction, an addiction to Carlos; he was definitely a drug that was hard to kick. Lucky found herself balled up under covers with silent tears running down her pretty face. Without thinking clearly she slid out of bed and grabbed the prepaid phone she had programmed days before when she almost slipped up and called the number she was about to now. She had saved herself from her own self days ago but tonight there would be no saving, she was on the verge of a relapse. Lucky blocked the phone number she was calling from as she dialed those numbers she knew by heart with shaky fingers.