“I was scared,” she said.
“It was more than that.” Curtis licked his lips. “I wasn’t what I wanted to be... I wanted to be the guy who soothed away your fears. I wanted to be the guy you looked to... I wanted you to hitch your wagon to my star.”
Barrie was silent. Had he really wanted all of that? It sounded beautiful now, but their reality hadn’t been so idealistic.
“It was a risk, though,” she said.
“Yep.” He nodded. “And I’m not saying you made a mistake there. I mean, look at you—you’ve got your life together.”
“But you’re saying you left because I didn’t trust you enough?” she clarified.
“I left because I didn’t like who I was with you. I didn’t want to be the petty guy who kept pissing you off. I wanted to be a better man, and I just couldn’t seem to figure it out.” He met her gaze. “And I’m sorry for that. Really sorry. I had to go—we couldn’t carry on like we were. I was suffocating.”
That word stung, and she winced. Had all of her attempts to create a home for him—for them—been sucking his breath away? If she were honest with herself, she had been trying to tie him down. It hadn’t been healthy for either of them, had it?
“I was smothering you...” she whispered.
“I don’t blame you, Barrie,” he said. “I just wasn’t the kind of husband I knew I should be, and I didn’t know how to fix myself. I thought if we could get away and do something together, we might find our stride, but I saw the look on your face when I suggested it, and I knew what it meant. I wasn’t the man you needed, either.”
In a way, he was right—she’d needed more stability, and Curtis had refused to be tamed. He craved adventure, and he wanted her to drop everything and go with him. But a life wasn’t built on impetuous choices and seeing where they landed. Lives were built with purposeful steps—at least, that was what she’d always thought.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
“Hey—” He cleared his throat. “Me, too. I was too young to recognize that I couldn’t be that guy for you.”
“So...” She sucked in a breath. “Enough about the past. Tell me about this stud farm.”
“You really want to hear about that?” he asked.
She shrugged. “Why not? You obviously believe in it.”
“I’m going in fifty-fifty with a friend of mine. He found the listing, actually, and we went out to Wyoming to take a look. It’s a pretty new setup, and my buddy knows a thing or two about stud services. The owner is anxious to sell. A nasty divorce, apparently. Anyway, we’re the only ones interested, which kept that price affordable. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
“You’d be nailed down,” she pointed out.
“I’d be in a position to make some good cash.” He met her gaze. “And a man needs that.”
“Did you ever think of just...keeping my building and sticking around here?” she asked.
“I can’t afford it. Your lease only covers some upkeep. That building is a drain. It’s only worth something if I sell it. Thing is, if I stick around here, Barrie, I’m just some washed-up bull rider. In Wyoming—”
“Yeah.” She could see that. In Wyoming, he’d be someone. Finally. “You deserve that.”
“You sure?” He smiled ruefully. “I’m making your life harder.”
Barrie was well aware of that, but wasn’t this their tension from the beginning? It was him or her. Always had been. The waitress returned with a platter that had several dishes on it. She put their plates on the table in front of them, then moved on to the next table. Barrie looked down at the crispy breaded fish and then back at Curtis.
“I know I said otherwise, Curtis, but I don’t regret it.”
“Marrying me?” he asked, then laughed softly. “You sure about that?”
“It hurt when it ended,” she said. “Horribly. It was the worst thing I’ve ever endured, and before seeing you again, I would have said that I wished I hadn’t married you at all, that I’d skipped that whole experience. But now that I see you again...”
He was silent, and she tried to collect her thoughts. How could she explain this?
“I think we’ve both come a long way,” she said at last. “And we’re okay. We got through it, and we’re both capable adults. Sometimes it’s a good thing to know how much you can survive.”
“I don’t want to be the guy you survived,” he said, his voice low.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
He nodded. “I know. But...for the record.”
She smiled and said, “Okay. How about we both survived the marriage? Not each other. We were young and idealistic, and had no idea what to expect. We were victims of romance.”
Curtis chuckled. “It’s thin ice, but I’ll take it.”
Barrie picked up a fry and dipped it into her tartar sauce. She was hungry, and they both started to eat. The fish was flaky and moist, and the batter was fried to perfection. The background music was the local radio station, and a jaunty Christmas carol medley came on that brought a smile to Barrie’s face.
“Do you think we’re mature enough to be friends by now?” Curtis asked, popping a fry into his mouth.
“I think so,” she said. “Fresh starts. Forgiveness. Isn’t that what Christmas is about?”
He angled his head to one side and plunged his fork into a fish stick. “So you forgive me for having to sell?”
“Not entirely.” That was her honest answer.
“What if I did you a favor?” he asked.
“What kind?”
“I’ll teach you how to make those shortbread cookies.”
“You really know how?” She eyed him skeptically.
“I really know how.” He raised an eyebrow. “A truce. A goodbye.”
Was he feeling guilty about the sale? Probably, as well he should.
“Alright, that would be nice.” Barrie paused. “As for our chemistry—”
“I’ll behave.” He shot her a grin, and when she didn’t answer, he said, “It’s possible, you know.”
But she wasn’t only worried about Curtis... This mature version of the boy who’d stolen her heart was more dangerous. If she let herself feel too much for him, she’d fall again...and if there was one thing Barrie had learned, it was that she didn’t bounce back very well. She crawled out and clawed her way forward, but there was very little bounce and a lot of pain. This time, she had a child to consider, and she had to keep her heart firmly in check.
“Are you free tonight?” Curtis asked.
Tonight was Mallory’s Christmas party, and she was glad to have an excuse. She needed some distance from Curtis, some space to get her emotions untangled again.
“I can’t,” she said. “I’ve got plans.”
Curtis picked up another fry. “Fair enough. But before I leave.”
Barrie cut into the flaky fish with the side of her fork. He knew how to tempt her—but those cookies were about more than time with him. She wanted to master that recipe to feel in control. And yes, she recognized that he was her weakness, but she needed this. Curtis was on his way out, and she and her baby would be on their own. At the very least, she’d be able to bake a delicious buttery cookie and decorate it for every occasion. Then she could feel more confident that she was ready to be a mom.
* * *
THAT EVENING, BARRIE put on her new party dress and styled her hair in a glossy updo. A string of pearls set off the dress’s crimson luster, and as she looked at herself in her bedroom mirror, she was glad she’d taken Mallory’s advice.
“What do you think, Miley?” she asked, and Miley stared at her silently from his spot on her bed, big eyes fixed on her with that look of adoration she never tired of. “Do I look presentable?”
Barrie
turned back to her reflection. She looked pregnant...and in a different way than she was used to viewing this pregnancy. She didn’t look scandalously or inconveniently pregnant, but beautifully, roundly, lovingly pregnant. She looked the way she’d imagined she would after she was already married and the pregnancy was planned.
“I look like a success,” she murmured.
Funny how big a difference a dress could make—Mallory had been right after all. Barrie leaned closer to the mirror, smoothed on some lipstick and pressed her lips together. Turning to the side, she surveyed the effect with satisfaction. She might like to plan her life down to the last detail, but surprises happened—and this baby was a shock. She might be forced to work under Dr. Berton again, but that didn’t mean she’d never set up her own shingle again, either. Barrie couldn’t control all of it, but she was still okay.
The snow from earlier had stopped, so the streets were clear when Barrie drove down to the Cruises’ place. They lived about fifteen minutes south of Hope on a rural road that gave them a fair amount of privacy. Mallory seemed to have it all—the doting husband, two kids, a cozy house where she loved to entertain... But Mallory had started out with a scandalous pregnancy of her own. She’d only discovered she was pregnant after her boyfriend dumped her for her best friend, and she’d been working a nanny job and trying to hide her growing belly so she could keep her health insurance. Barrie wasn’t in the dark about how Mallory’s marriage began. Neither of her children were biologically Mike’s, and yet they still had a family that gave Barrie a little stab of envy. It was the love in that home, and husband or not, maybe Barrie could give her child something similar. Not every family was traditional.
Barrie parked on the side of the drive, hoping she wouldn’t get blocked in. If she got tired, she wanted to be able to leave without too much hassle. The house was lit up with Christmas lights, inside and outside. As Barrie moved up the front walk, she could hear music. Mallory appeared in the window, and she waved, then disappeared again.
“Barrie!” The front door burst open and Mallory shot her a grin. “I’m so glad you made it. Get in here.”
Barrie hugged her friend at the front door, and when she came in, Mike was waiting to take her coat. He was dressed down in a pair of khakis and a Christmas sweater, but he was a good-looking guy, and even sweaters that were supposed to be tacky looked good on him.
“Let’s see it,” Mallory said, standing back.
Barrie felt her cheeks flush, but she took off her jacket and Mallory sighed in contentment. “Mike, she’s gorgeous, isn’t she?”
“You look great, Barrie,” Mike said with a grin.
Katie was dressed in a little golden party dress, and Beau had already managed to get something chocolate smeared on his button-up shirt. The kids came over to give Barrie a hug, and she made the rounds saying hello to the guests who were already there—Mike’s partner, Tuck, and his wife, Shana, the youngest two of their four children, and an older couple who were neighbors that lived on the same rural road. She was glad she looked good tonight—she needed this. There was no hiding this pregnancy, so she might as well rock it.
“How are you feeling?” Shana asked. “This is the fun part of pregnancy.”
“Fun?” Barrie shook her head. “I’m still adjusting to being pregnant.”
Shana’s eyes glittered as she smiled back. “Enjoy this. You look beautiful, by the way. Mallory’s been gushing about this dress, and she was right...wow! You’re lucky that the maternity shop opened up. I’m half tempted to have another baby, just so I can shop there! No more catalog maternity shirts for me—”
“Oh, yeah?” Tuck’s golden brush of a mustache quivered with humor. “You want to put a fifth one through college?”
Tuck and Shana bantered about the idea of another baby, and while Barrie smiled at their humor, she wasn’t in the same position that Shana was in, either. This was harder alone. Mallory caught Barrie’s eye across the room, and her friend pointed toward the kitchen.
“I’m just going to see if I can give Mallory a hand,” Barrie said, excusing herself. “And if my vote counts, five is a nice round number.” She winked at Tuck, who jokingly rolled his eyes, and she crossed the room toward the kitchen, where Mallory waited.
“So, how did lunch with Curtis go?” Mallory asked once they were safely alone. “You didn’t call me.”
Barrie chuckled. “You were busy getting ready for the party. And it was—” She sighed.
Mallory’s expression softened. “Oh, Barrie. I could see the way he looked at you—which is why I threw you at him and ran away. I figured you might have some unfinished business.”
“Our business is fifteen years old,” Barrie replied. “Some things don’t change, and we’re both aimed in different directions. My life is here, and he’s selling the building I’m leasing and heading out to Wyoming for his own business venture. This is...a pit stop.”
“Plans might change,” Mallory said.
“Whose?” Barrie spread her hands. “I’m barely holding things together here! I’m not following him anywhere! And as for him, he has nothing to his name besides that building. He has no choice but to sell.”
“You aren’t mad about it?” Mallory asked with a frown.
“Oh, I’m mad. It’s just complicated.” Barrie smiled ruefully. “What can I help you with?”
“The cheese platter.”
They went to the counter. Mallory pulled some blocks of cheese from the fridge and passed Barrie a knife. Barrie put her cell phone on the counter and set to work.
“So, was I terrible to leave you with him like that?” Mallory asked.
“No, no...” Barrie opened one of the packages and began to slice. “The thing is, we still have that connection, and I don’t know how to describe it. I remember why I fell for him so hard.”
“Hmm.” Mallory took a different block of cheese and used another knife to slice through the plastic. “How much longer is he here?”
“I don’t know. He’s leaving after the sale, which has to be finalized Christmas Eve. He offered to teach me how to make those shortbread cookies.”
“He knows how?” Mallory asked in surprise.
“He took a class to impress some woman.” Barrie shrugged. “And I know it sounds nuts, but learning how to make those cookies like my mom used to make... It would help. I want to be the cookie baker for my child, too. Mom’s cookies were...”
They were perfect. They were comforting. They could be whimsical and fun. They were an expression of her love, and of all the traditions that Barrie could pass down from her mom, this one was lodged deep in her heart.
“Are you going to do it?” Mallory looked up.
“I shouldn’t.” Barrie sighed. “It’s a kind offer, but spending time with Curtis is toying with my emotions and I know better than that. We always did have this really strong attraction that overrode our rational thinking. I miss feeling like that—desired, excited... But I’m too old for this crap, Mal.”
Mallory laughed and turned back to slicing cheese. “No, you aren’t. You’re never too old for romance.”
“I’m too old to risk it all on a guy I can’t trust to follow through,” she retorted. “And a baby ups those stakes.”
“That is true.” Mallory got a platter out of a cupboard, and they started to arrange cheese slices around the edges. “This makes your Christmas a whole lot harder, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Barrie agreed. “It does.”
It reminded Barrie of what she didn’t have this Christmas. Her mom, that sense that everything would be okay so long as Gwyneth was there with some timely advice...and Curtis. Every single Christmas since Curtis, she’d felt a little stab of nostalgia for the life she’d wanted so very badly.
“What are you doing this Christmas?” Mallory asked.
“Dinner with my dad,” she replied.
“Next Christmas, everything will be different,” Mallory said, pointing meaningfully at Barrie’s belly.
“I’m glad for that,” Barrie confessed. “My baby will be here, and I’ll finally have someone to make Christmas for again.”
“Again?” Mallory eyed her quizzically.
“Slip of the tongue,” she replied. She didn’t feel like explaining that one; it would only make Mallory feel sorry for her, and Barrie was tired of pity.
“Christmas with kids is fun,” Mallory said. “They get so excited for Christmas morning, and the little things mean the world to them. Like pancakes for breakfast and decorating cookies... It’s for them, really. Not us.”
“Well, I’ll start seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes very soon,” Barrie agreed. “And I’m looking forward to it. Nothing will be the same, and I think that’s a good thing.”
Except Barrie felt like she needed a little Christmas magic in her life. Most of the excitement might be for the kids, but she still needed the warm glow that Christmas brought—the warmth of hearth and home, the hope of love to come. Christmas reminded her of the good in the world, and she wasn’t ready to let go of that.
Barrie’s cell phone rang, and she put the knife down to answer the call. It was Betty’s number.
“Betty?” she said, picking up.
“No, it’s me.” Curtis’s voice was low and close, and she closed her eyes for a moment.
“Hi,” she said.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Curtis said, “but we’ve got another sick calf. Should I call Dr. Berton and give you the night off?”
“No, no, I’ll come.” Barrie licked her lips and shot her friend an apologetic look. “How bad is it?”
“I’m not sure this calf will make it,” Curtis said. “Just hoping for the best. If you could get here as fast as possible—”
“Yes, I’m on my way.” She had rubber boots, an extra farm coat and her vet bag in the back of her truck—she never left home without them. She hung up the phone and Mallory looked at her expectantly.
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