A Life Worth Living

by Lorrie Kruse

  “I couldn’t. You needed help.”

  “Thanks for being my friend. Heaven knows, I needed one. Bad.”

  She felt drawn to him. She’d never felt this close to anyone other than her parents. Not even Paul, before she discovered he was like everyone else. “Maybe not as much as I did.”

  He laughed. “You? Need a friend? You must have more friends than you know what to do with.”

  “Nobody I’m close to.” Her thighs screamed and her right calf felt like it was seconds away from cramping.

  “Oh, come on. Don’t give me that crap.”

  “Really. I mean, why get attached to someone who’s just going to leave?” Matt was going to leave her too. He’d go home, pick up where he left off with Crystal. It was just a question of when.

  “You say that like it’s a foregone conclusion.”

  She shifted positions and knelt before him. “It is, isn’t it? Tell me how many close friends you’ve had in the past who you’re still close to now. Someone who really means something to you.”

  He opened his mouth but closed it right away. Not the reaction she’d wanted. She’d hoped he could prove her wrong. And convince her at the same time that he wasn’t going to leave her someday, as well. “See. It’s not worth it.”

  “What Derrick did hurts. I’ll admit it. But I still wouldn’t trade in all the years we were friends. And what he did won’t stop me from making friends in the future.”

  “That’s because your father didn’t leave you.” She winced the second the words were out. Even though she hadn’t told Matt her father had died, that’s what he believed, and she’d never felt the need to correct that misconception. After all, why point out that the most important person in her life hadn’t found her worthy of sticking around?

  His eyes turned to little slits while those kissable lips scrunched up. “You said your dad was—”

  “Gone.”

  “He didn’t die in the accident?”

  She hadn’t lied to Matt, but it sure felt like it now.

  “Go sit down.” He nodded toward the couch.

  She did as he asked and arched an eyebrow when he transferred to the couch. He put his arm around her. She hesitated only a moment before she settled her head against his chest. He rubbed her shoulder. Staying here like this was wrong, but she couldn’t make herself move. Not yet.

  “What happened?” he asked softly.

  She rubbed her finger in a circle on his arm. Even as she stayed silent, biding her time with her slow circles, the story formed in her head.

  “You don’t have to tell me,” he said.

  “It’s simple, really. Not much to tell.” She closed her eyes and concentrated on Matt’s arm around her, the weight of his hand on her shoulder, the way his fingers glided back and forth. The scent of the cooking pizza filled the room. Someone should check on it. In a bit. “We were a very close family. Three peas in a pod. My father adored my mother and she loved him so much that she still asks about him even though she hasn’t seen him in seventeen years. Shortly after my mother’s accident he took me to California to visit with my mother’s aunt while he went on a business trip. He never came back for me.”

  “Maybe he couldn’t. Maybe he’d had an accident, as well.”

  “Honey, reality called. It said to come back to earth.” For a long time she’d let herself believe the same thing Matt had suggested. Right up until she’d found out her father was sending Aunt Norma money to take care of her. That’s when she’d known he’d left because she’d done something wrong. “He didn’t have an accident. He simply chose to turn his back on my mother and me. It took me a long time to feel comfortable with Aunt Norma and Uncle Joe, but in time I grew to love them. Then, Aunt Norma got pregnant. With twins. They already had four children and now two new babies on the way. They decided I’d be better off living with Aunt Norma’s oldest sister, Gretta.

  “Aunt Gretta was sixty. She’d never had children. She had no idea what to do with an eleven-year-old who’d been dropped into her life, but she bumbled through. Just when I let myself get comfortable, she became ill and died. There I was, thirteen and being dumped off to live with a family I’d never met. There were two more families after that, but I swore right then and there that I’d never let myself love anyone again. And I didn’t until I met Jovan in my last year of college.

  “I fell for everything he said. We were going to get married. I passed up a really good job on the other side of the state so we could be together. Then, I found him in bed with his old girlfriend. That’s when I moved to Bakersfield.”

  Matt cradled her head, pressing her forehead to his cheek. “I’m sorry, honey. That had to be hard.”

  “It was. Hard enough that I never dated anyone more than a couple dates. Until Paul.”

  “Paul?”

  “He was a doctor at St. Luke’s. The one I told you about. The one I caught with a nurse in his department.”

  “I remember.”

  “Like with Jovan, I lost my head when it came to him. I hoped it could lead to marriage.” The scent of the pizza grew stronger. It was probably burning. She didn’t care. She let her head rest heavily against him. “Silly me.”

  “Not everyone’s like Jovan and Paul.”

  “No, but they are all like my father.”

  His phone rang again. She mentally groaned. She wasn’t ready to separate herself from him.

  He let the phone ring. “I can understand where you’re coming from, but that doesn’t mean everyone you meet is going to abandon you.”

  The ringing stopped only to start up again. “You better get that,” she said.

  “Why? It’s probably my parents calling to make sure I’m really okay.”

  “All the more reason to answer it, then.” She reluctantly freed herself from his arm.

  He sighed. “I guess you’re right.” He pulled the phone from his pocket and flipped it open. “You said you wouldn’t call anymore…No. It’s too soon.”

  Abby’s stomach tightened at the tinge of hysteria in his voice.

  “I’m coming home. Now.” He flipped his phone closed and looked at her. “Jenny’s having the baby. I’ve got to go.” He grabbed the wheelchair and pulled himself further away from her. She stood while he made the transfer. He pushed against the wheels once and then patted his pockets. “My keys. Where the fuck are my keys?”

  She put her hands on Matt’s shoulders. “Relax. We’ll find your keys. Just relax.”

  “I can’t. Jenny’s having the baby and it’s too soon. She’s not due for another month.”

  She rubbed his arms. “Let me turn off the oven. Then I’ll help you find your keys. And then I’ll go with you to Fuller Lake.”

  “You don’t need to do that.”

  “Unless I want to be your therapist again, yeah, I do. Because you’re in no condition to drive.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  They arrived at the hospital around midnight. Matt wheeled to the waiting room like it was the finish line of a race. Abby picked up her pace to a jog to stay with him. Only four people were in the waiting room, but even if there’d been a crowd of fifty she could have easily picked out Matt’s parents. The family resemblance was that strong.

  His mother lifted her head from his father’s chest. As soon as she saw Matt, she stood and rushed forward, enveloping her son as though she hadn’t seen him in years. His father’s arm stretched out across the back of the chair, waiting for Matt’s mom to fill the void again. In the chair next to him sat a girl who looked a lot like what she remembered of Jenny, only younger and plumper—most likely, Faith. Kaylee was nestled on her lap, sound asleep.

  “How’s Jenny?” Matt asked. “Did she have the baby yet?”

  “She’s still in labor,” his mother said.

  “She’s having a hard time,” his father said, “but the baby’s heartbeat is good.”

  Matt ran his fingers through his hair. “That’s good, right? That the heartbeat is good?”r />
  “It means the baby’s hanging in there,” his mother said as she returned to her seat. His father’s arm immediately snugged around her.

  “She can’t lose the baby. That wouldn’t be fair.”

  Abby put her hand on Matt’s shoulder. He covered it with his own. The girl next to Matt’s parents looked at Matt and Abby’s clasped hands. A hint of a smile formed. “Aren’t you going to let your girlfriend sit?”

  “We’re not dating,” Abby said, quick to clear up any misconceptions. “I’m not his girlfriend.”

  “Oh?” Matt’s mother asked, her eyebrows raising a bit.

  “Oh.” The girl’s eyes sparkled.

  “Faith,” Matt said, but his eyes were on his parents. “This is my friend, Abby. Abby, this is Jenny’s sister, Faith.”

  Matt’s father hesitated before he said, “It’s good to have friends.”

  Matt pulled his hand away from Abby’s and nodded toward the row of chairs. She sat on the end chair and he parked his wheelchair next to her.

  Even though she’d just said they weren’t dating, it hurt to hear Matt confirm it, more than she’d thought possible.

  Within seconds, Matt’s hand latched on to hers again. His grip was tight. A little too tight, but she let him be. She understood. She leaned close. “You’re fine, Matt. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  An hour passed. Matt’s mother’s head had returned to his father’s chest. Her eyes were closed, but Abby doubted she was asleep. Matt’s hand tightened around Abby’s. “You’d think they’d come and let us know how she’s doing.”

  “I’m sure she’s doing fine,” his father said.

  “Still, it’s rude leaving us in the dark like this.”

  “They’re busy taking care of Jenny and the baby.”

  Fifteen minutes went by before Matt broke the silence again. “All this waiting is driving me crazy.”

  “Now you know what it was like for us those first days you were in the hospital,” his father said.

  “And we spent five days in the waiting room,” his mother said. “Not just a few hours.”

  “The doctor assured us you were holding your own, but it was still hard waiting for you to wake up.”

  “Five days of this? I don’t know how you guys stood it.” He tugged on Abby’s hand. “I can’t just sit here. I need to go for a walk.”

  They barely got three feet down the hall from the waiting room door when Matt stopped. He looked up at her with the saddest eyes she’d ever seen. “As one friend to another, can I tell you I could use a hug?”

  She smiled and crawled onto his lap. A sigh filled her as his arms closed in around her. She put her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. The big wheelchair tire pressed uncomfortably against the back of her leg, but she wasn’t about to complain.

  “Thanks for coming,” he said.

  “You owe me. Big time. A sundae with lots of caramel and hot fudge and peanuts.”

  “I’ll buy you two.”

  “One’s fine. I’ll even share it with you.” She rubbed the back of his neck, her finger brushing over the hard ridge of his surgery scar. His hair was soft against her hand. She wanted to bury her fingers in it, but she held back. His right thumb caressed her shoulder blade. The wheelchair tire pressing against her leg grew more uncomfortable. Sitting on his lap for too long wasn’t good for his circulation. She should get up. But she couldn’t. Not yet. Just for a while longer, she wanted to be in his arms.

  “What if something happens to her?” His lips brushed against her head. “What’s Brad going to do? Kaylee needs her mother.”

  “Women give birth every day.”

  “But not a month early. What if the baby dies?”

  She hated to pull away from him, but she needed to look into his eyes. “If something horrible happens, we’ll deal with it then. Not now.”

  “But—”

  She pressed her finger to his lips. “Worrying about what ifs doesn’t accomplish anything. Why spend all of your energy worrying about something that probably won’t happen?”

  He pulled his head back just enough to free his mouth from her finger. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re—”

  “A pain in the behind?”

  “Well, that too, but I was going to say smart.” His eyes stayed connected with hers like he couldn’t bear to look away.

  She loved the way he was looking at her. Too much. She didn’t want to get up, but it was time to put some distance between him and what she was feeling. She pushed herself off his lap. “You wanted to go for a walk. We should probably do that.”

  “No. I don’t want to leave. In case something happens.” He took her hand. “Thanks.”

  He wheeled back into the waiting room. His eyes went straight to his father with a silent question. His father shook his head.

  “I’ll take that as good news,” Matt said.

  He parked himself next to the chair Abby had sat in earlier. Again, his fingers linked with hers, but this time his grip wasn’t as tight.

  A tall man stepped into the room. “Any news yet?” he asked.

  Matt’s fingers tightened on Abby’s.

  The man looked their way. His eyes met Matt’s and his footsteps faltered. Tension filled the air between the two men. She knew without asking that the newcomer was Derrick.

  The air crackled with tension. She glanced at Matt’s parents, wondering if they felt it, as well. His father frowned as he looked between his son and Derrick. His mother lifted her head from Matt’s father’s chest. Confusion filled her eyes.

  Derrick looked away. His feet started moving again. “How’s it going?”

  Carl Huntz stared at Matt a second before looking up at Derrick. “We still haven’t heard anything.”

  Derrick shifted his weight to his other foot. “I can’t stay. Tell Brad I stopped by and that I’m wishing all the best for them. Call me as soon as there’s news, okay?” Without waiting for a response, he turned. He walked past Matt as though there was only empty space.

  Matt’s fingers remained tight around Abby’s. He stared at the now-empty doorway.

  “What’s up with you two?” Matt’s father asked.

  “Nothing,” Matt said, looking away from the door. She could read both the anger and the sadness in his eyes.

  “Don’t give me nothing. What was that all about?”

  “I guess he just doesn’t like hospitals or something.”

  “My bet’s on the or something,” his father said. “So what is it?”

  “How the hell am I supposed to know?” His grip threatened to cut off the circulation in Abby’s fingers. “I’m not his keeper. You’d have to ask him.”

  “Precisely what I plan on doing.”

  Matt’s head tipped back. His jaw muscles twitched. He had the look of someone who knew they’d been given only a short reprieve and that the next battle was going to be twice as deadly. She touched his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. He looked her way. She offered an it’s-going-to-be-okay smile. He didn’t smile back but his jaw relaxed, and that was good enough for her.

  A man stepped into the doorway. Blond hair escaped from the bottom of the cap he wore, but the face was Matt’s. A mask hung around Brad’s neck, and the paper booties that covered his feet matched the gown. His proud smile told the outcome of the last several hours. “I’ve got a son. A little guy. Five pounds, one ounce, but the doctor says he doesn’t think there’ll be any problems.”

  “How’s Jenny?” Faith asked. Kaylee stirred on her lap and then settled back into sleep.

  Matt’s parents got up from the couch as one unit. His father’s arm stayed around his wife’s shoulder as they walked toward their oldest son.

  “She’s great. A bit uncomfortable. Happy it’s over. But she’s great.”

  As Matt’s parents surrounded Brad in a joint hug, Abby could tell Matt wanted to be in there with them. She gave his hand a little squeeze and then let go. He wheeled over to his family and
slugged his brother on the arm. “Had a little runt just like yourself, huh?”

  Brad grinned as he looked down at his brother. “I’m not so sure you can call me runt anymore. Not when you have to look up to me now.” He bent down and hugged his brother. “I’m glad you made it. It means a lot to have you here.”

  “Thank Abby. She’s the one who got us here in one piece.”

  Brad nodded her way. “I’ve got to get back to Jenny.”

  Everyone settled into their original seats, but there were happy smiles now. Glad to be a part of it all, Abby looked over at Matt. Her smile faded as soon as she saw Matt’s closed eyes. His breathing seemed labored. His parents had probably forgotten the scene with Derrick, but she was certain Matt hadn’t. “Hey, you.” She tapped his arm. “Now it’s my turn to drag you on a walk. No excuses this time.”

  He followed her from the room. She stepped to the side so he could fall into place next to her. “Penny for your thoughts,” she said.

  “I’m happy everything turned out fine.”

  She looked over at him. Although the worry of earlier was gone, he looked far from ecstatic. “Did it?”

  He let go of his wheels. “Yeah. Baby’s fine. Jenny’s fine. Everything’s fine.”

  “Everything except with Derrick.”

  Matt looked away. He gave the wheels a push. She trotted beside him to keep up until he got to the end of the hall. He slammed his fists down on his thighs. “That should have hurt.” He buried his fingers in his hair. “I need a drink. God, how I need a drink.”

  She knelt in front of him. “No. You don’t. What you need is to accept that you’re hurting inside. It’s okay to be angry with him.”

  “I hate him. I hate what he did to me. I hate it even more that when I first saw him, I was happy he was there. I miss him, Abby. I miss the Tuesday night basketball games. I miss shooting pool with him. I miss working with him on the jobsites. How can I feel that way? How can I hate him so much and miss him at the same time?”

  “Because you treasure the people who mean something to you. That’s what makes you so special, Matt.”

  “I’m not special.” He hooked his fingers around the push rims of his chair. “I’m not special at all.”