A Life Worth Living

by Lorrie Kruse

  “It really is beautiful here, just like you described,” she said.

  “And camping? What do you think of it, so far?”

  “Well, other than that frightening view this morning, I’m enjoying it.”

  Frightening? His naked ass had been frightening? He’d almost rather go back to believing she hadn’t noticed he’d been naked. “You could have knocked first.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind for the next camping trip.”

  Next camping trip. He could easily be convinced to come camping with her again.

  “Oh!” Abby stopped pedaling. Her eyes widened and her lips parted.

  He stopped pedaling, as well. Off to the left, not a hundred yards away, a mother deer and her two little ones grazed in the field. A beautiful sight. One that would have left Crystal shrugging her shoulders with indifference, unlike Abby who seemed enthralled. She planted her feet on the pavement and looked as if she’d be content sitting there until the deer left or night fell or they got run off the road by a passing motorist. Enjoying the simple things in life.

  He watched her instead of the deer. She glanced at him and smiled before her eyes went back to the critters. Such an amazing creature. How different might his life be now if it’d been Abby he’d fallen in love with first, instead of Crystal?

  His hand slipped off the pedal. “Oh, God.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “It’s really amazing, isn’t it?”

  It wasn’t possible. They hadn’t even kissed yet. He couldn’t possibly be in love. Could he?

  The truth set in. He did love her. And he had for quite some time. He just hadn’t realized it because he hadn’t been looking for it. Not like with Crystal, where he’d been evaluating his feelings from their first date, searching for a relationship that would satisfy his father while hopefully satisfying himself, as well. After a couple dates, he’d convinced himself he’d hit two out of two with Crystal. If only he’d known what love really felt like.

  He let his gaze drop to Abby’s feet planted on the asphalt and then shifted to the single back tire on her bike. Her bike might look similar to his, but it was nothing like his, just like she was nothing like him.

  Abby looked his way, her eyes alight with an excitement he couldn’t remember ever having seen in Crystal. He rubbed his leg and sighed. Why in the hell couldn’t he have met Abby before he’d met Crystal? Back when he’d been whole.

  §

  The warm afternoon had turned chilly as the sun began to set. Parked close to the crackling fire, Matt skimmed the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel while he waited for Abby to join him. Too bad he hadn’t acted on his idea of getting a dog. It wouldn’t be so lonely if Fido were curled up next to him. Dang, it felt like Abby had been in the camper for hours even though he knew it’d been less than five minutes. Funny how he could miss her when she was only fifteen feet away.

  Funny how he could have fallen in love with her without even realizing it was happening.

  He turned the page and noticed he’d reached the classifieds. With nothing better to do, he scanned the listings.

  Bouncer. A job he could have done without working up a sweat before the accident. Now, he’d just get laughed at.

  Computer programmer. He could surf the Internet, but that was about as far as his computer knowledge went.

  General construction worker.

  He rubbed the back of his neck as he stared at the black type on the newsprint paper. A reminder of the man he used to be. That man might have had a chance with Abby. He wasn’t sure the man he was now had a chance.

  The camper door opened. He looked over the top of his paper. Abby had changed clothes. Her department-store shorts and tank top had been exchanged for inexpensive sweat pants, a hooded Mickey Mouse sweatshirt, and well-worn tennis shoes. Real clothes, he thought with a smile. Not a pair of designer jeans, a frilly blouse, and three-hundred-dollar fashion boots like Crystal would have been wearing. Abby smiled…at him…like he was the most important person in her universe. He wanted to be worthy of that smile.

  “You want a soda?” she asked as she reached into the cooler.

  She had about twenty pounds on Crystal, but the extra weight only made her curvier, not heavier. He imagined how soft she’d be next to him, and sighed.

  Still bent over she looked his way. “Soda?”

  “Yeah. Thanks.”

  Settling into the lawn chair next to him she handed him the Coke. “Anything good in there?”

  “A job at Blue Moon Casino. Blackjack dealer. Hourly wages, tips, bonus, benefits. Must have reasonable math skills.” He laughed. “Leaves me out.” His father would never approve of such a job.

  “Over qualified, for sure.” She took a sip from her can, her lips lightly suckling the rim. “Why are you looking at want ads?”

  “Killing time.”

  “You could have set up the Yahtzee game.”

  “Professional Yahtzee setter-upper. There ya go. Too bad there’s no such job.”

  “You can be my professional Yahtzee setter-upper. I’ll pay you a quarter.”

  “Wow. What would I do with that much money?”

  “Buy your favorite girl a present.”

  He liked that. His favorite girl. “My favorite girl deserves better.” Better than a guy stuck in a wheelchair. He hastily folded the paper and tucked it beneath his thigh. “Make it a buck and I’ll buy you a taco when we get back to Milwaukee.”

  “How about you set it up for free, and I’ll buy you a taco when we get home.”

  Home made him think of Fuller Lake, not Milwaukee. His house was empty now. Russ had arrived at Fort McCoy a couple weeks ago, and Faith had moved out last week. Even if she’d still been living in his house, Fuller Lake would always be home.

  “Matt? What do you say? You set up the game and I’ll buy us tacos when we get home?”

  “I don’t want to be a kept man.”

  “Okay, then, what do you want?”

  You. As my girlfriend. As someone I can have a future with. Both of us, living in my house. “I want to go back to work for my dad, but that’s not going to happen.”

  “Says you.”

  Yeah, says me. And whoever’s in charge of my recovery. “I need your expert opinion.” And a whole lot of good luck. “Dr. Meyer said I had eighteen months before there wasn’t any hope of a recovery. But it’s been six months since I’ve had any change. Is my time up?”

  “I may not be a math-whiz, but last I heard, six isn’t even half of eighteen.”

  “Abby, you know what I mean.”

  “Do you still have a chance of walking?”

  Locking onto her eyes, he nodded just the tiniest bit. His breath held. He needed to know he still had a chance—at walking again, at working for his father again…and at being worthy of having a serious relationship with Abby.

  “You know there isn’t any way to know for sure.”

  An answer he would have expected from Esther. Not from Abby. “Don’t wimp out on me.”

  Her eyes clouded over but remained on his. “Do you really want to know, Matt? Really, truly, and honestly?”

  Did he? Even if her answer took away all hope?

  Say no and he could be stuck in limbo for eleven more months. Or he could have his answer now and get on with his life.

  His heart beat so rigidly that he felt it in his shoulders. “I can’t stand it anymore, Abby. I need to know.”

  Her lip disappeared. Not a good sign. For a smidgen of a second he thought about saying he’d been kidding. Instead, he said, “Please.”

  Still, she paused a second. Then she shifted her chair until she was directly in front of him. She took his hands in hers. He wanted to stop right there in that moment, her hands meshed with his, her eyes locked on his, nothing left in the world except for him and her.

  “I believe you’ve reached your plateau.”

  An instant sadness washed through him, filling every nook and cranny, suffocating. Deep down he’d known that would
be her answer, but he’d hoped, God he’d hoped, to hear he still had a chance. He closed his eyes. In the darkness, he clung to her hands. It was over. He wasn’t ever going to return to work for his father. He’d never make his father proud. And he’d probably never have more than a friendship with Abby.

  For as tightly as he held Abby’s hands, she managed to wiggle free. The next thing he knew, he was in her arms, snug to her shoulder.

  “I’m sorry, Matt.”

  He tried to focus on her touch, but instead all he could feel was the pain ripping through him. The wheelchair he sat in seemed to swallow him. The wheelchair that would always be a part of him.

  Tears burned his eyes and throat. He tried desperately to hold them back but failed. And once that first tear slid free, he was lost. His shoulders shook as he clung to Abby.

  All of the plans he’d had, gone. All because…

  The night of his accident remained a blank, but he no longer needed to remember to know what had happened. He was pretty sure he’d crashed into the tree on purpose. His father would be disappointed. More than disappointed. Ashamed.

  As long as he never said anything, his father would never know.

  But Matt would.

  From the time he’d been seven years old, he’d known he wanted to be just like his father. From that point on, he’d lived his father’s life instead of his own. And now it was over.

  All of it.

  Gone.

  Forever.

  §

  Abby lay beneath the covers on her side of the camper. Across the room came the gentle sound of Matt’s snoring. He’d fallen asleep quickly. Crying as hard as he had would do that to a person. She knew from personal experience. At least he was at peace now.

  Outside, the wind picked up.

  Lightning flashed through the darkened plastic windows, reminding her of the day Daddy had left. She could use a little of Matt’s peace right now. Or the teddy bear Daddy had given her to protect her from the storm. She hugged her wadded up Mickey Mouse sweatshirt to her chest. It was a poor substitute for the bear she’d clung to the night Daddy had left. Matt could protect her, except he was on the other side of the camper, dead to the world, and she was over here, all alone. She closed her eyes and hugged the sweatshirt more tightly. Thunder crackled in the distance.

  One, one thousand. Two, one thousand. Three. Lightning flashes lit up the camper.

  She wiggled her leg. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.

  Heavy raindrops pounded the canvas. She buried her head under the covers. Still, she could see the flashes of lightning. Daddy had left her in a storm. Matt would leave her, as well.

  Make it stop. Make it stop.

  Lightning cracked and thunder roared in deafening booms overhead. She let out a scream.

  “Abby? You okay?”

  Her heart pounded. Save me.

  Another rumble of thunder filled the air. She whimpered, hoping Matt wouldn’t hear her while hoping, at the same time, that he’d come rescue her.

  “Abby? I know you’re awake. Come here.”

  She wanted to run to him, but she stayed where she was. She pressed the sweatshirt to her mouth, but she rocked hard, just like she’d done when she was little and scared.

  “Would you just get your ass over here?”

  “I’m fine,” she mumbled through the sweatshirt.

  “Then I’ll come over there. The storm will probably be over by the time I make my way across the camper, though.” He pushed back his covers. Thunder cracked. She jumped from her bed and ran across the camper. No hesitation as she climbed into bed with him and buried her face against his chest.

  He pulled the covers back into place and wrapped his strong arms around her. Just like she’d always thought, she felt safe with him. His fingers stroked her hair. “It’s okay, honey. It’s just a storm. It can’t hurt you.”

  Being in his arms for the second time that night was as much a curse as it was a blessing because it reminded her of what she’d be missing. “Yes. It will hurt. I know it will.”

  “No. Trust me. Nothing bad’s going to happen. I’m here. I’ll take care of you.”

  She wanted to believe him. He continued to run his fingers through her hair. In time, she relaxed against him. Her breaths evened out in a rhythmic pattern. The storm was still raging outside, but inside she was calm.

  §

  Abby awoke in Matt’s arms. For a second, she thought she was dreaming until she remembered the storm. With her back snug against his stomach, she realized they were a perfect fit. Like two adjoining pieces of a puzzle.

  His stomach pressed against her back with each intake of air. With each exhale, she felt his breath on her shoulder. His hand cupped her breast lightly, like it belonged there. Everything about him felt so right.

  Even though she was plenty close enough, she scooted closer, just a touch, trying to meld her body to his. Her behind rubbed against him. Something hard pressed against her that hadn’t been there a moment ago. She wiggled a little more.

  “You gonna keep that up?” Matt asked. “Or would you like to settle down so I can go back to sleep?”

  “Could you stop poking me with your…uh…”

  “Stop rubbing your ass on him and he’ll go back to sleep. Keep up what you’re doing and I can’t make any promises.”

  Trying to ignore the pressure on her behind, she focused on Matt’s hand on her breast, right where it shouldn’t be. Intending on nudging him to a safer location, she covered his hand with hers. He spread his fingers, just a little, and she found herself threading her fingers with his instead of pushing him away.

  He kissed her neck lightly. Just enough to get her pulse going.

  She shouldn’t be here in bed with him. Except she didn’t want to leave. She liked his lips on her neck. The hard knob pressing against her behind. His hand on her breast. Which made her realize she really had to get out of that bed.

  Unaware of the turmoil inside her, he continued to caress her neck with his lips. It felt so good. So right.

  His kisses on her neck deepened. All common sense left her. She needed to feel his lips on hers. She turned in his arms and fit her mouth to his. A rush of pleasure filled her when he slid his tongue between her lips. His hand moved down her back. In time, his fingers slid beneath the elastic of her pajama shorts and then her panties, each advancement slow enough to give her time to protest.

  Above her head, the shadow of a tree branch caressed the canvas with a gentle morning breeze. She shifted away from Matt, just a bit, and guided his hand to her front. Safe. That’s what she felt as he stroked the tender folds of skin.

  Needing to feel him as well, she slid her hand beneath the elastic of his running pants. He pulled his lips from hers, and his dark eyes locked on to hers. “Abby.” He shook his head just enough to say no, without saying the words. She read in his eyes his fear that he wasn’t man enough. Oh, how wrong he was. She closed her fingers around him. He sighed and closed his eyes. Within seconds, he swelled and hardened.

  Even though she’d had sex with Paul and Jovan, she’d done it because it’d been expected of her and not because she wanted it. But as Matt worked her to the edge of climax with his finger, she knew she needed to join her body with his. Even if it meant they’d only have this one time. She had to be one with him.

  She moved his top leg behind him so she could roll him onto his back.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Shhh.”

  “Abby.”

  She ignored him and worked to roll him. As if he realized protesting would make no difference, he shifted his shoulders and plopped onto his back. She worked his running pants down over his erection and then wiggled herself out of her own clothes. The campground echoed with the sound of someone chopping wood. Ker-thwack. Ker-thwack. Ker-thwack. Keeping time with her pounding heart.

  She positioned herself over him and they locked gazes. Without a word being spoken, she knew he loved her. The need to prote
ct herself kicked in. She needed to end this. She needed to get out of this bed. Out of the camper. Out of his life.

  Through the cloud of fear, she noticed his fingers pressing lightly against her hips. His touch felt so right. Despite her fears, being with him felt right. She focused on what she felt inside her heart. If even for only one day, she wanted to believe love was real.

  She bore down and pushed until he was fully inside her. Their eyes stayed locked as she moved against him. Their minds as linked as their bodies, he said again, without moving his lips, that he loved her. She wanted to reject those words while embracing them at the same time. As long as he didn’t say it out loud, she’d be fine.

  I know you’re scared, his touch said as he caressed her. I won’t hurt you.

  She wanted so badly to believe.

  Trust me.

  She leaned forward, placing her mouth on his, as much because she needed his kiss as to stop reading his thoughts. With her eyes closed, she concentrated on him filling her, moving her hips in an ever-increasing rhythm until she lost control and slid over the edge of ecstasy. Yet, even then, she kept moving against him…and the pressure built…until she wanted to scream.

  His hands stopped moving. His fingertips dug into her. He pressed his head into the pillow and let out a low growl. She felt him throb inside her. No matter what he thought, he was a real man. All the way through. Reluctantly, she separated herself from him, but she refused to leave his arms. She settled onto his chest and closed her eyes.

  “Abby?”

  Please, don’t say it. Don’t say you love me.

  “Thanks for last night.”

  Her mind stalled. He hadn’t said he loved her? Why? They’d just made love. This was the perfect time for him to say it. But he hadn’t. He’d said thanks. And not even thanks for the roll in the hay. Instead, he was thanking her for last night.

  He brushed his fingers through her hair. “Abby?”

  Now. Say it now. “Umm?”

  “I…”

  She held still. Waiting for the words she longed to hear. For the words she was afraid to hear.