A Life Worth Living

by Lorrie Kruse

  He closed the distance. Looking at Crystal in her designer jeans, three-hundred dollar boots, and fashion T-Shirt filled him with a longing for Abby. Two more days and they’d be together again. All he had to do was break the news to his father that he’d never walk again.

  “You’re just as pretty as those flowers,” he said.

  “You look nice too, Matt.”

  He took two cans of soda from the pack hanging on his chair and held out the ice-cold Diet Pepsi to Crystal and then handed Derrick a Mountain Dew. “Dad thought you might be thirsty.”

  “Tell Pops thanks.”

  Crystal brushed dirt from the flowerbed rail and sat down. “You really do look good. It looks like you’ve mastered the chair.”

  “It was either that or stay in one place forever.” He nodded toward the building. “Dad said he needs me for something.” Probably a switch plate needs installing. Something even Kaylee could do. “Nice seeing you, Crystal.”

  “You too.”

  It had been nice seeing Crystal, putting their relationship fully in the past. He eyed the group home building as he wheeled toward it. He wished he could have been present for every step of its construction instead of just the beginning and the very end. That desire confirmed what he’d known all along. The construction part of his past was going to be the hardest part to cut himself free of. Construction was in his blood. The only way to fully get it out would be a full transfusion.

  He pulled open the door leading into the lobby and then wheeled to the administrator’s office where his father had set up a temporary command post. “At your service.” He wheeled up to the desk made from a sheet of plywood stretched between two saw horses.

  His father sat back on the folding chair, pulling away from the project binder. “You’re planning on leaving as soon as this job is done, aren’t you?”

  So much for waiting another day or two to break the news. Matt looked at the jagged corner of the plywood sheet. Even though his dad had already cornered him, he couldn’t do anything more than shrug.

  “I’m hoping I can change your mind. I want you back as a full-time member of this crew.”

  He hung his hands on the back of his neck. If he could be productive, be something more than a gofer, he’d have a damn hard time saying no. But for as much as he loved being a part of the crew, the sad truth was that he wasn’t all that helpful.

  “I’d love to, Dad but— ”

  “I don’t want to hear buts. If you can’t give me a flat-out yes, I want you to at least take some time to think about it before you say no.”

  His father wouldn’t be saying that if he knew what Matt knew. He needed to tell his dad that he wasn’t going to walk again. No more stalling.

  “Say you’ll think about it. Seriously consider it.”

  His mouth dried up. He rubbed his tongue against the roof of his mouth, working up enough spit to talk. It took every ounce of self control he had to keep his eyes on his father. He unconsciously clasped his hands. “I’m not going to walk again, Dad. I’ve gotten back everything I’m going to.” He shook his head. “I can’t say I’ll stay on when I know I can’t do the work.”

  “The job I’ve got for you doesn’t require any skills you need your legs for. I want you to take over our projects. Prioritize the work, assign the jobs, hunt out new projects and make the bids, order all the supplies, stuff like that.”

  His mind resisted what he was hearing. It wasn’t possible his father was putting him in charge of the heart of the business. “But that’s your job.”

  “And now I want it to be yours.”

  “But…” He covered his mouth as the offer swirled around inside his head. He lowered his hand to his chin. “You’re trusting me with full responsibility for this company.”

  “Yes, I guess I am.”

  “I’m stunned. I don’t know what to say.”

  “‘Yes’ would be nice.”

  “Well, then, hell—” The ‘yes’ fell from existence. If he took the job, what would that mean for him and Abby?

  He couldn’t manage the projects from Milwaukee. He couldn’t expect Abby to quit her dream job and move to Fuller Lake just so he could have his own dreams come true. A long-distance relationship couldn’t last forever. And he didn’t want a life that didn’t include her. But this job was important.

  Abby? Or the job? One or the other. But not both.

  Shit.

  Between a rock and a hard place took on a whole new meaning.

  “Can I have a couple days to think about it?”

  “Take all the time you need, as long as your answer comes from your heart.”

  But what if his heart wanted two things and he couldn’t have both?

  §

  Abby sat on the end of the couch with her legs curled beneath her, the cordless phone on her lap, and her eyes on the clock. Matt had been calling every night at nine without fail. Ten minutes to go.

  Her toes tapped with anticipation, but her stomach churned with dread. With each call, as he talked about his family and his job and Derrick, she heard the wistfulness in his tone. It was only a matter of time before he told her he wasn’t coming back.

  The phone rang and she jumped. With her heart thudding, she pushed the answer button. “Hello.”

  “I must have misdialed and got heaven because you sure sound like an angel,” Matt said.

  Her cheeks turned toasty and she couldn’t erase her smile. “With talk like that, I wouldn’t admit it even if this were a wrong number.”

  “The way I feel, it can’t be wrong.” There was no teasing nature to his voice.

  She bit her lip as tears filled her eyes. How could something so sweet be so painful to hear?

  “Did you hang up?” he asked.

  “No way, not without hearing about your day.” Tell me how much you hate it there. Tell me you’re coming home.

  “I saw Crystal today.”

  Her stomach seized up. Crystal, the woman he’d planned on marrying. A man couldn’t ever totally erase his feelings for his first love, especially someone as caring as Matt.

  She had to work hard to keep her voice calm. “How was she?”

  “Great. Beautiful, as always.”

  Beautiful. There was no way she could compete with beautiful.

  “Dirty,” he continued. “She was planting flowers. I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it for myself. She looked happy.”

  Great, beautiful, and happy. What a dangerous combination. Abby’s stomach twisted. She swallowed hard.

  “A lot happier than I ever remember seeing her. I think her being with Derrick is a good thing. They make a nice couple.”

  How could she have forgotten Crystal was now with Derrick? The tension she’d been holding inside rushed outward in a sigh. Even with the reprieve, she still felt the cloud of heartbreak looming on the horizon like an approaching deadly storm. If it didn’t come in the form of Crystal, it’d be something else. And it’d be soon. She could feel it, just like animals that reacted differently in response to brewing bad weather.

  “My mother was asking about you,” Abby said. “She misses you.” I miss you. So much.

  “Tell her I miss her, too.” And then, he laughed. “Tell her I miss her chickendoodle cookies. Ma’s a good cook, too good. I think I’ve probably put on ten pounds these last few days. But Ma could really learn a few things from your mom. Especially when it comes to cooking with horse feathers.”

  The lights shining from the apartment building across the street twinkled as her eyes filled with tears. She bit her lip and blinked. Why did he have to be so darned perfect?

  “How was work?” she asked, feeling only a little guilty that she’d picked the one topic that pecked at his insecurities.

  “Oh, man. What a day. Brad put a dead mouse in Chad’s lunch box. I never saw a guy jump so high in my life. It was great.”

  She closed her eyes and chastised herself for having done such a proficient job in showing him he
could still have the life he’d planned. “Sounds great.”

  “You okay, honey? You sound kind of down.”

  Honey. Why’d he have to torture her that way? “I think I’m getting a summer cold.”

  “I’m sorry. Wish I were there to take care of you. Make you chicken soup and all that.”

  “Me, too.” Come home, Matt. Come back to me. Please.

  “I could send Kaylee down to baby you. She’s good medicine. At least, she made me feel better when I was in the hospital. I’ll have her color you a picture. At the very least, it’ll make you smile and you can’t feel like crap when you’re smiling.”

  “I’d like that.” He’d talked about his mother, Brad, Derrick, and Crystal. About the only person he’d missed so far was his father.

  “Something else happened at work today,” he said.

  “Does it involve any dead animals?”

  “No.”

  Silence stretched between them, warning her that the time for joking was over. She wanted to hang up so he couldn’t continue, but she didn’t want to miss one second of their time together.

  “Dad offered me a job.”

  She almost laughed at how she’d worked herself up to a near state of panic. “Your father’s only spent how much of the last few months trying to get you to come back to work?”

  “It’s a good job, an important one. And it’s something I can do. He wants me to be project manager. Basically, I’ll be…I’d be running the company.”

  She pressed the phone tight to her ear and rocked forward and back. She’d just lost him.

  “Abby?”

  Her throat was tight, but she managed somehow to speak. “That’s great, Matt. I’m happy for you.”

  “It is great.” He didn’t sound happy.

  She hated hearing the troubled tone of his voice. This job really was great. And he deserved it. He should be celebrating instead of worrying. She stopped rocking and wiped her eyes. “You’ll do a wonderful job, I know you will.”

  “Are you saying I should take the job?”

  This was best all around. “You’d be a fool not to.”

  “I would, wouldn’t I? Here’s the thing.” He paused. “Damn, this isn’t how I wanted to do this.”

  Oh, God. He was going to say he loved her.

  She longed to hear those words, but it’d only complicate matters. Before he could speak, she said, “Matt, take the job.”

  “If I do, what happens to us?”

  Us. Him and her. Together. One unit.

  She brushed away the tear before it had a chance to break free. “We’ll still be friends. Always.”

  “I don’t want to be friends. I love you.”

  The last three words echoed in her head. She wished she could permanently imprint them there so she could hear him say it over and over because after this phone call, she’d never hear it again. Her heart swelled and pressed against her breastbone and her throat tightened.

  She hugged herself with her free arm and wished Matt were with her so she could see him one last time. “I’ll always have you in my heart, Matt, but your place is with your family. Like you said, this is an important job. I want you to tell your father you accept his offer.”

  “Abby—”

  “I have to go.” As soon as she hung up. she opened the line so he couldn’t call back. With her arms wrapped tightly around herself, she hung her head and rocked on her knees while an unbearable pain ripped through her.

  This is best for Matt. This is best for Matt. This is best for Matt.

  Wiggling its way around the chant, the truth pushed through her thoughts.

  She hadn’t told him to take the job for him. She’d done it for herself. Because she was too scared to give love a chance. And now she’d lost Matt. Forever.

  The impact of what she’d done hit her with full reality. No more smiles from Matt that melted her from the inside out. No more gentle touches that made contact with more than just her skin. No more conversations that required nothing more than a reading of his expression.

  No more Matt.

  Ever.

  “Oh, God,” she whispered. “What did I do?”

  §

  No matter what Abby had said, his taking the job wasn’t what she wanted. And Matt wasn’t so sure it was what he wanted, either. Too bad he wasn’t still with Crystal, having to decide between her and the job. The choice would be easy. The job would win hands down.

  The realization of that logic struck him dead on.

  There was no way he could take the job. Not if it meant losing Abby.

  He put his thumb over the “1” button to speed dial Abby. He paused when the motion sank in. The night Abby had taken him to meet her mother, he’d reprogrammed his parents’ home number in the vacated speed-dial-five that had once held Crystal’s number. Abby’s number had landed in the number one slot where his parents’ number had been. If he’d only paid attention, he would have known he loved her two months earlier.

  He pushed the button and groaned when he heard the busy signal. Without hesitation, he pushed the “3” button. Another realization struck. He’d deleted Crystal’s number as soon as he’d moved to Milwaukee. He hadn’t gotten rid of Derrick’s.

  “Hey there,” was Derrick’s greeting.

  “I need a favor.”

  “Anything, it’s yours.”

  “I need a ride to Milwaukee. Tonight.”

  “Road trip. Cool. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”

  “Derrick,” Matt said before his friend could hang up.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks.”

  After ending the call, he made the final one that was going to seal his future. When his father answered, he said, “Derrick might miss work tomorrow.”

  “You’re his personal secretary now?”

  “He’s taking me back to Milwaukee.”

  The silence coming over the line told Matt he’d disappointed his father yet again, but this time he didn’t care. He was doing what was best for him. Not what his father thought was best for him or what he felt was best for his family. This time he was putting his needs first.

  “Dad, I appreciate the job offer, more than you’ll ever know, but…well, when you asked me if anything was going on between me and Abby, I kind of lied. Not on purpose. I didn’t know how I felt, but now I do. I love her. I’m sorry.”

  “Will being with her make you happy?”

  “Yes.” There was no need to think on his answer.

  “Then there’s nothing to be sorry about. The job’s not going anywhere. It’ll still be there when you’re ready for it.”

  The reflection of headlights walked along the wall as a vehicle pulled into his driveway. Derrick. He needed to go. But first there was something he needed to know. “Did you only offer me that job because I can’t do the other work anymore?”

  “Do you really not know the answer?”

  He stared hard at the corner of the glass coffee table. Little bits of his past that he’d overlooked his whole life filtered through his mind. His father claiming he was too busy to write up this bid or that bid and asking Matt to do it. Having Matt order the supplies for random projects. Why had he been so blind?

  There was a knock on the kitchen door. Derrick, ready to go. Matt turned his chair away from the doorway, looking for a moment of privacy.

  “Yeah, I think I do. But I’ve got to ask. If it’d been Brad who’d had the accident, would you have offered him this job?“

  His father’s laugh rang clear over the phone line. “That’s what I love about you, your crazy sense of humor.”

  “Dad, thanks for trusting me.”

  “Even though I wish you weren’t leaving again, I’m happy for you. Abby seems like a nice girl.”

  After knocking again, Derrick opened the back door. “Hey, Matt? You ready to ride?”

  “Thanks, Dad. I’ve got to go.” After a brief pause, he added, “I love you.”

  “Love you, too.”
>
  Matt wheeled to the kitchen. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

  “So what’s in Milwaukee that requires a late-night ride?”

  Matt grinned. “My destiny.”

  Derrick’s dimple showed as he nodded. “Ah. She must be special.”

  “She is.”

  §

  The clock on Derrick’s stereo system glowed 1:28 when they pulled up in front of Abby’s apartment building. Light shone from her living room window. Matt wasted no time in grabbing his chair from the rear passenger section of the truck. “I’d invite you in, but—”

  “—two’s company and three’s a crowd. I understand. I’ll be at your apartment. Give me a call if you need a ride.”

  Matt popped the wheels onto his chair and then made his transfer. He couldn’t have wheeled up the sidewalk any faster had he had a rocket pack attached to his chair. “Please answer,” he whispered as he pushed her doorbell. He pounded on the door too, for good measure.

  There were no sounds of life inside the apartment, but Derrick’s truck purred at the road. He pounded on the door again.

  “Come on, answer.”

  He had to knock a third time before the door opened. Abby’s eyes were red and her face was tear-streaked. Seeing her that way filled him with a pain he’d never felt before.

  Her hands shook as she pressed them to her mouth. “Matt.”

  As much as he hated seeing evidence of her pain, it reassured him that he’d been right. She hadn’t been serious when she’d told him to take the job. “I turned down Dad’s offer.”

  “Matt. No.”

  He wheeled forward and closed the door. Derrick’s truck finally pulled away.

  Needing to touch her, to feel her, he put out his hand. Without hesitation, she put her palm to his. He gave her a slight pull, bringing her onto his lap. He nuzzled his nose in her hair and breathed deeply. She smelled like heaven.

  Her arms went around him.

  “I love you,” he whispered, her hair tickling his lips. Her arms stiffened and he felt her breathing still. She radiated fear, and he couldn’t blame her. She’d had a pretty shitty past when it came to relationships.