Tethered

by L. D. Davis

  Sam and Fred were going to stay in a hotel nearby and leave in a couple of days, but I was flying back out that night. After dinner they drove me to the airport. Emmy got out of the car with me at the curb and hugged me fiercely.

  “Donya, please take care of yourself,” she said in a soft voice before pulling away. “And for the love of god, eat a damn sandwich!”

  I rolled my eyes and gave her a genuine smile, one of few that were only reserved for her and Felix.

  “And quit smoking,” she admonished, shaking a finger at me.

  “Who are you? My mother?”

  Em bit her lip and looked as if she wanted to say something more.

  “Spit it out,” I sighed. “What is it now?”

  “I just thought you would like to know that Emmet goes back to class on Monday.”

  No one ever talked about Emmet around me. It was like they understood that discussing Emmet wasn’t an option without me ever having to say so. Even Sam managed to keep her big mouth shut, but I was glad to hear that Emmet did go back to school. I felt a small stir of emotion – it was bittersweet.

  “Good,” I said with a small nod. “Then he’s doing exactly what he should be doing. Thank you for telling me.”

  She gave a small shrug. “I wouldn’t have known if dad hadn’t told me. Emmet doesn’t talk to me that much anymore.”

  I felt like that was my fault, but before I could say anything about it, Emmy said “Which is fine, because I don’t really talk to any of my siblings.”

  Fred blew the horn then and we took our cue. I gave her one last hug and went inside.

  As soon I got back to New York I had to pack for a shoot in Milan. By Monday morning, I would be on my rightful path in life, and Emmet would be back on his.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Every Thanksgiving Sam and Fred throw a party. They invite every single person they know and their relatives to the big house in Louisiana. There is always enough food to feed a small country and people stay late into the night, hanging around the bonfire, milling around the inside of the house and hanging out on the porch.

  I had not planned on going. I didn’t want to see Emmet and I didn’t want him to stay away because they were more his family than mine, but Emmy said that Emmet was staying in Cambridge and having dinner with friends and was not expected to be in Louisiana. I didn’t necessarily want to be around all of those people, but Felix had taken to calling me Cat Lady, and since he was having his family over for the holiday, I decided to leave. That way his family could use my apartment like it was originally intended and I wouldn’t have to listen to his commentary about my lack of a social life or my thin frame.

  I arrived at the house two days before the holiday. I was exhausted since I had just returned from L.A. a few hours before I got into my car and started the drive south. I drove straight through and arrived in the wee hours of the morning. As I climbed the steps to the silent, dark house, I was reminded of the night Emmet surprised me in the kitchen after making almost the same drive. I could almost smell his cologne and hell, I could almost taste the lemon cake we ate that night.

  I used my old key to let myself into the house. I locked the door behind me and started through the living room to take the stairs to the second floor. I looked at the couch, half expecting to find Emmet’s form lying there, but I was disappointed to find it empty. I climbed the stairs and quietly slipped into Emmy’s room. We had to share because there were other guests in the house. She was sound asleep, curled up on one side of the bed. Tired beyond reason, I kicked my shoes off, stripped out of my clothes and quickly changed into comfortable sleeping clothes and got into the bed.

  I was so tired, but I couldn’t sleep. The house held too many memories. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Emmet’s face, heard Emmet’s voice, and felt Emmet’s touch. He haunted me every night when I tried to sleep, but being in that house made it so much worse. I hadn’t even spent the night in the house in New Jersey since we broke up.

  I still felt Emmet, moving around in the world. That tether never dissolved, it never severed, and it was just as strong as it had been when I was a kid. Sometimes when my chest ached and I felt a painful pressure, I had to wonder if was Emmet. Was Emmet upset? Was Emmet hurting? Could Emmet feel me, too?

  When I finally drifted off to sleep, Emmet came to me in my dreams, and everything was perfect between us. He had finished school and my career had shifted to something that allowed me to stay in one place most of the time. We were happy and we were in love, and it was as if our broken hearts had never happened. But when I woke up and realized it was just a dream and the reality of my life set in, I allowed that hard cold hardness to settle in again and I found a way to breathe.

  *~*~*

  By mid-afternoon on Thanksgiving Day, the party was in full swing. The yard was crowded with people. There were kids everywhere and there were tables and tables of food, and more roasting on spits or cooking on grills. I did my best to be social and speak to people I hadn’t spoken to in a long time and introduce myself to those I had never met. I spent some time with Fred Jr.’s children and Charlotte’s kids, too, and I rubbed Lucy’s pregnant belly. I appeased Sam by eating a hotdog, but it felt like a rock sitting in my stomach, so soon after I ate it I escaped into the house and into the upstairs bathroom and puked it up. I brushed my teeth and started back downstairs, rubbing at the discomfort in my chest.

  I wanted a cigarette, badly. I felt like I was about to puke up my heart next by the way it was slamming around in my chest like it wanted to get out. Whatever emotions that were trying to climb their way into my chest needed to be suppressed. I walked over to a group of smokers standing away from the bulk of the people. I pulled my clove flavored cigarettes out of the front pocket of the lightweight hoodie I had on, lit up, and fell into conversation with a girl I used to occasionally hang out with during the summers as a kid.

  While I feigned to be interested in her life, my hand busily rubbed at my chest. The pressure and aching were intensifying, so I took deeper drags of the cigarette. For no reason that was clear to me at the time, I looked back towards the busy area where all of the food was, and even with the dozens of other bodies moving about, I was immediately met by a pair of green eyes. I looked away quickly and tried not to panic.

  “Hey, are you okay?” the girl asked me.

  “Fine,” I said quickly. “I’m sorry. I just…have to…” I didn’t even finish the sentence before I walked away from her.

  I walked quickly in the opposite direction, away from the party, and away from those damn green eyes. I puffed on my cigarette until it was down to the filter. I stopped to snub it out against a tree. I didn’t want to flick it into the grass, so I put it back into my pack and while I was at it I took another cigarette out and lit it up. I speed walked towards the front of the house and headed into the wooded area there. I just needed to get away from everyone and put some distance between me and Emmet, because my chest was burning with pain and it wasn’t from the cigarettes.

  I leaned against a tree and tried to get myself together. I didn’t understand why Emmet was there when he had told the family he wasn’t coming. I had to wonder if he did that on purpose, so that he could run into me there, but then he knew where I lived in New York, and I had no doubt in my mind that Felix probably wouldn’t just let him in, but lock me in a room with him.

  “What the fuck,” I muttered to the tree across from me.

  I let the cigarette sit in a corner of my mouth as I closed my eyes. I was trying to think of what my next move should be. I couldn’t hide in the woods all day.

  I rubbed at my chest again and felt tears forming behind my eyes. I had worked hard to keep these horrible emotions away, but they were bursting from their chains now and I didn’t know how to stop it. Everything would have been fine if Emmet had stayed away as he said he would, or maybe if I hadn’t come at all.

  My cigarette was plucked from my mouth and I opened my eyes and whirled around,
prepared to yell at Emmy for sneaking up on me, but I found myself face to face with Emmet. Well, his face was turned away as he snuffed out the cigarette and then tossed it away. In his other hand was a plate loaded with food. He picked up a can of soda he had put down on the ground and then he met my eyes and thrust the plate in my face.

  I took a step back and looked at the plate like it was poisonous.

  Emmet took a menacing step towards me and thrust the plate at me again.

  “You look like a fucking skeleton,” he growled between gritted teeth.

  With a shaky hand, I reached out and took the plate from him. I expected him to go away after that, but he stood there, staring at me.

  “Eat something,” he snapped after a moment of mutual staring.

  “I’m not hungry,” I whispered.

  Another menacing step from Emmet had me backed into my tree.

  “Eat something or I’ll start shoving food down your throat,” he promised.

  I looked at the plate and chose the least offending item, a small buttered roll, and took a nibble. I started to put it back, but a glare from Emmet stopped me. I took the roll a little more seriously and took bigger bites. It was absolutely tasteless, as was the piece of turkey he made me eat next. Every few bites, Emmet silently handed me the can of soda to help wash down the food. When he tried to make me eat some kind of potato salad next, my stomach finally revolted. I turned away from him and retched violently. I felt my hair being pulled back away from my face as I released all of the contents of my stomach.

  I was in tears by the time I finished. My emotions had burst free and were running amok. I wiped at my mouth with one sleeve and my tears and nose with my other sleeve. I felt humiliated. I felt angry. I felt overwhelming sadness, and the shards of my broken heart poked at me without mercy.

  Emmet put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me up against a tree. He stood close to me, but not close enough for our bodies to touch. He looked at me with anger and pain.

  “You wanted to live your own life, Donya, and I fully expected to find you satisfied with your decision. Instead I find you smoking cigarettes and practically emaciated. You said you didn’t want to be your mother, but you are. You’re just another version of her. Get your shit together, Donya, and prove to me that breaking our hearts was worth it.”

  He looked at me with great sadness for a moment and then left me alone sobbing softly in the woods.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  My flight landed in New York a little after nine p.m. on New Year’s Eve. Getting to the penthouse near Time Square so close to midnight was going to be tricky, but I was going to try very hard to get there so that I could ring in the New Year with Emmy and Felix.

  During one of Emmy’s visits to New York over the summer, she and Felix kind of started dating. I say kind of because both of them claimed that it wasn’t that serious, but she was spending time at the penthouse whether I was there or not, and a few times Felix met her out by Penn State, out of the public eye. To make me further question the seriousness of their relationship, the pair was throwing a New Year’s Eve party – together.

  I had told them that I wouldn’t be able to make it home for the celebration. I thought for sure that I wouldn’t be able to wrap up the television appearance I made in London and hop across the pond in time. I had accepted the fact that I was going to be spending the New Year in the U.K., but my portion of the show had been taped to be played later that evening, and I was lucky enough to get one of the last tickets for a flight to New York. I kept the information to myself, choosing to surprise Emmy and Felix upon my arrival.

  It had been a long, eventful year. I had worked hard, but it had paid off. I made the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, I was an angel in the Victoria’s Secret runway show, and I had several reoccurring roles in a British prime time reality television show, and of course all of my normal photo shoots and runway shows.

  After Emmet damn near force fed me in the woods a little more than a year before, I had snuck away from the party and headed back to New York to get my head together. After a few days of deep thoughts, I realized how true Emmet’s words had been. I was just a different version of my mom, and that was exactly something I didn’t want. It took some time, but I got myself together and made the necessary changes. I was still a little hard on the inside, but I had to be in order to survive.

  A lot had changed in that year. Fred and Sam were spending more and more time in Louisiana with Emmy gone away to college. I handed my finances over to Emmy, because I didn’t have time to keep track of what was going in and what was coming out. Some may question why I would put my financial livelihood in the hands of a young, tequila drinking college student, but I trusted her, and she was one of the most organized people I knew. She kept me and my money in check, and amazingly somehow made it grow.

  Felix had taken a break from making movies and took a leading role in a new Broadway show, leaving him in New York full time. Though he could be rather obnoxious at times, I liked coming home from a trip and finding him there. We had settled into comfortable routines and whatever feelings he may have had for me at one time had passed, but we were still very close and he was still a big flirt.

  I had not seen or spoken to Emmet since that day in Louisiana, but I had sent him a card when he graduated from college. He had started law school and he was actually working for a paycheck at the attorney’s office a few days a week. I still missed him and I still felt tethered to him, but I went on with my life and was glad that he was moving on with his.

  Sometimes I could feel him close by, and I never knew if I was imagining things or if he was somewhere in the city. Once, I swore I caught a glimpse of the back of his head, but by the time I made myself move to go after him he had gone, but the bind between us had felt alive and jittery, so I have every reason to believe it was really him. I was desperate for the day when it wouldn’t hurt either of us for me to pick up the phone and call him. I was eager to find some kind of common ground between us so that I could have him in my life again, even if on a very small level. I had been tolerating living without him, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could tolerate it. There were some things in the world that were simply intolerable and living without your soul mate is one of them.

  Earlier in the year when I was concentrating on fixing myself, out of want of something to do with my hands besides smoke a cigarette or lay around thinking about Emmet, I picked up a pencil and a notepad and started sketching. I sketched clothing designs for women, men, and children. I wasn’t much of an artist, and I wasn’t even sure if my designs were any good. I hadn’t planned on showing anyone, but I had found that the hobby was soothing and relaxing. I started carrying sketching pencils and a sketch pad with me when I traveled. On an airplane ride, for example, while everyone else was sleeping or trying to read a book, I would have my pad on my lap and my ideas would float from my mind right onto the paper via my fingers.

  Even as I rode in the back of the cab on the way to the penthouse, I was sketching in dim light, but as we got closer to Times Square and traffic became thicker, I put the pad and pencils away and had the driver let me out several blocks away. My bags were heavy, and chances were that any good pickpocket would relieve me of half of my belongings before I got to the penthouse, but it was a risk I was willing to take as I pulled my hat down over my ears and forged ahead.

  As I took the elevator to the top floor a grueling forty-five minutes later, I wondered where Emmet was and who he was with. I wondered if he was out in the streets of New York waiting for the ball to drop with some of his friends from school. I even wondered if Stella was with him, but the idea didn’t bother me like it would have in the past. I felt a pressure in my chest that indicated that Emmet was near, but neither Felix nor Emmy had mentioned anything about having Emmet at their party. Besides, Emmy and Emmet rarely spoke anymore, and whatever friendship he had been forming with Felix when Emmet and I were together dissolved along with our relationshi
p.

  I bypassed the entrance to the penthouse and headed down the hall toward my apartment. There was no denying there was a major party happening behind the penthouse doors. The music was blaring, people were loudly chattering, laughing, and yelling and there was a distinct sound of glasses and beer bottles clinking. After my long flight I wanted to take a quick shower and change into something festive before joining the party. I still had about an hour before the ball began its descent and it wasn’t like I had far to go. Pushing the discomfort in my chest out of my head, I took a quick shower and slipped on a blue sequin baby doll mini dress I had been dying to put on. I made quick work of putting my hair into a messy, but fashionable bun, hastily put on a subtle amount of makeup, and then pushed my feet into my favorite designer black pumps. I gave myself a quick spin in the mirror and headed next door.

  As I moved through the crowd in search of either Felix or Emmy, anxiety fluttered through my chest. People I knew stopped me to talk, but I could barely hold a conversation over the loud music and the loud thudding of my heart. By the time I spied Felix and Emmy on the other side of the room I was having some trouble breathing. It was as if I was on the verge of a panic attack, but with no trigger. There were no less than a hundred and fifty people jammed into the penthouse, but I was used to parties like this one. The close proximity to all of the other bodies shouldn’t have bothered me at all.

  Maybe you’re just tired, I told myself. You’ve been up for thirty hours.

  I didn’t care how tired I was, I was going to push through whatever psychological thing I was going through and watch that damn ball drop with my friends. I had given them so little of my time over the years, I wasn’t about to give this up.

  I was only about six feet from Emmy and Felix. They had both spotted me and looked excited to see me. Emmy waved me over to where they were standing and I started to take a step, but something stopped me. It was as if someone had physically prevented me from taking another step towards my friends. I put a hand to my chest to battle the evil butterflies flipping out in there and then slowly turned my head to look over my shoulder.