Tethered

by L. D. Davis

  “No, we can talk now,” I said with irritation. “Jerry, before we got married you were all for having kids. Why did you change your mind?”

  If I was an insecure woman, I would have assumed I was the reason, something I was lacking, but I wasn’t an insecure woman. This wasn’t something I did or didn’t do. This was all Jerry.

  He sighed heavily and cursed under his breath. “We don’t need to have this conversation right now, Donya. Not over the phone.”

  “Yes, I think we do,” I insisted. “Now tell me why you changed your mind.”

  Jerry and I didn’t argue very often. Our relationship was…sweet and fun. I was content and had no major complaints. His light snoring, crankiness after too little sleep, or inability to hang up his wet towels just didn’t seem like good enough reasons to complain. Though I wouldn’t say my life was a fairytale like Emmy believed, it wasn’t bad either, but this was probably about to be the biggest disagreement we had to date.

  “Having children is a heavy, lifelong responsibility, Donya,” Jerry said in a tone that implied that I didn’t already know that. I was more aware of it then he knew. “I like the life we have just the way it is. I don’t want to worry about what kind of role model I’m being to my own child. I don’t want to worry about dirty diapers and runny noses, and kids are time consuming. My job is time consuming enough and when I’m not playing I want to be with you and I don’t want to share you with a baby.”

  “You only named all of the bad things about having kids. You didn’t mention anything good about having kids.”

  “Because there will be nothing good about us having kids,” Jerry sighed. “And can you imagine what kind of havoc a pregnancy will wreak on your body? I don’t ask you for a lot, princess, but it’s a given that you maintain your gorgeous figure and continue to look amazing.”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What he said just sounded so damn shallow. Jerry could be self-serving, there was no denial in that, but not like this.

  “So, I’m just a pretty fucking face, Jerry?” I said loudly. “I’m a trophy wife, is that it?”

  “I didn’t say that,” he said quickly.

  “No, you just implied it. You don’t want to have children because I may put on some weight and then you won’t be able to showcase me on your arm.”

  “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”

  “No, I think I’m well within proportion,” I said, getting to my feet. “You know what, Jerry? I’m feeling a little bloated so I’m not going to be able to make it down there. I wouldn’t want to embarrass you with my fat ass and my muffin top.”

  “Princess,” he sighed. “What if I bought you a puppy?”

  “Do you really think a puppy will make everything okay?” I asked incredulously.

  “Damn it, Donya, I don’t know what will make everything okay,” Jerry said exasperatingly. “I don’t want you upset.”

  “It’s too late for that.”

  “Because you wouldn’t listen to me and let it drop for another time,” he said pointedly. “I have to go. We’re about to take off. Are you still coming?”

  “No,” I said stubbornly.

  “Okay, fine,” he snapped, and then gritted out “I love you.”

  A beeping noise sounded in my ear indicating that Jerry had ended the call. I immediately called Emmy to cancel the current plans. It worked out better for her anyway, because she was going to go to Luke’s and confess that she was cheating. I thought she was going to be in for some shit and I told her as much. Suddenly, even my big problem seemed small in comparison to what was about to go down with my friend.

  After the phone call, I sat there a little while longer trying to decide what to do with my weekend. I couldn’t sit in the apartment and dwell on the argument I had with Jerry.

  “Or, I can and eat anything I want and get nice and plump for his return,” I said aloud to no one.

  That plan sat well with me. I could go out and skip Jerry’s errands and instead go to the store and buy all of the movies I’d ever wanted to see. I’d load my cart up with all of the junk food I had been disciplined about over the years. I’d make root beer floats and popcorn with too much butter and pour Reese’s Pieces into the bowl. I would eat ice-cream from the carton and dip chocolate covered pretzels into the cold treat. In the morning, I’d hop the bridge and go to Federal Donuts in Philly and load up on fresh made donuts that melt in the mouth, and if I got there at just the right time, I could get chicken, too and I’d get it in every variety they had. I would go by the Water Ice Factory and get a gallon of my favorite flavors of water ice and eat it until I got brain freeze and then start again. By the time Jerry got home in a few days, he would have to roll me around in a wheel barrow.

  Nothing was going to make up for not having kids, and that wasn’t the end of that fight, but my pigging out idea brought a satisfied smile to my face. I stood up, raring to go, but my cell phone rang. I answered it without looking, thinking it was Emmy.

  “Did you handle your shit that fast?” I asked as I walked out of my room.

  “Umm? Depends on what shit we’re talking about,” an unfamiliar voice said with a soft southern accent.

  “Oh,” I said, coming to a halt. Confused, I said “Sorry, who is this?”

  A gentle laugh that reminded me of the princesses in the fairytales Emmy was always trying to make my life into.

  “Hi, Donya. This is Casey.”

  The hallway tilted and it took me a moment to realize it was because I had tilted. I was slumped against the wall at an angle as I gaped at the air in front of me.

  “I’m sorry to just call you like this. I know you’re busy with school and your husband, but I lost your address. We’re throwing a big anniversary party for Fred and Yasmine and Lucy put me in charge of invitations.”

  “Oh, yeah it’s been twenty years already,” I said, trying to sound unaffected by the sound of Casey’s voice. Even after the other two invitations and the Christmas card that was rumored to have a cute family picture on it that I didn’t have the nerve to open, I didn’t expect to hear from her – at least not like this.

  “Yep. That’s a long time these days,” she said distractedly. It sounded like she was doing something in her kitchen. I heard water running and what sounded like dishes clattering together. “And they’re very happy together. Fred really dotes on Yasmine.”

  “Yes,” I agreed. I only saw Fred maybe once a year, but he did seem to adore his wife.

  “Did you get my Christmas card?” Casey asked. “I’m not sure if you got it. A couple of them got lost in the mail.”

  “Honestly, I don’t remember,” I lied. “Jerry and I were traveling and the mail piled up.” That part wasn’t a lie, not really. We went to the Dominican Republic to see Jerry’s family and then went to Aspen for a week.

  “Oh, right,” she said as if remembering. “Emmet said ya’ll went away. How was it?”

  How did Emmet know that I went anywhere? I hadn’t spoken to or seen Emmet since my wedding day, a year and a half ago.

  “It was nice,” I said. “Relaxing for Jerry.”

  “He’s has a double in Tampa this weekend, right? I’m not a Philly fan, but he’s a good player. You must be very proud.”

  “I am,” I said honestly.

  I heard a small voice in the background and it made my heart stop. That had to be Owen, Casey’s and Emmet’s little boy. He was about a year old now.

  Casey spoke to her son for a moment and then apologized to me.

  “It’s okay,” I said softly. I tried to swallow back the pain before speaking again. “Is he walking yet?”

  “Owen started walking at eight months and has not slowed down since,” Casey said in an exasperated, but loving voice.

  I listened to her talk about all of Owen’s milestones and illnesses and his likes and dislikes for twenty minutes. Every moment was killing me, and when she mentioned Emmet’s name, it cut me that much deeper, but I didn’t have t
he heart to stop her. She really was a nice girl and I felt bad for assuming the worse of her. Her soft southern accent was as sweet as her personality and it was no wonder that Emmet cared about her.

  When Owen started to get cranky and demand Casey’s full attention, she quickly jotted down my address and told me how good it was to finally have an opportunity to speak to me. I wondered how much she knew about me and Emmet, but if she knew anything at all, she was willing to overlook it. Either that or it was a keep your enemies close kind of thing, but I strongly doubted that. She was too nice.

  After the phone call ended, I lost my desire to go make myself fat. I collapsed on the couch instead and threw an arm over my eyes as I tried to process how I was feeling about Casey’s attempt at friendship. It could have been worse. She could have been out for my blood. Then again, that could be her MO, to lure me with her super sweetness and then attack me while my defenses were down.

  My phone rang again. I didn’t look again before answering it, because who could be a more shocking person to call me than the previous caller? Well, there will always be someone to trump the person before…

  “Hello,” I said tiredly.

  “You didn’t even look before you answered or you wouldn’t have answered,” Emmet said.

  My heart stirred in my chest at the sound of his voice. It took me a moment before I was able to speak.

  “Yeah, I didn’t look and I wouldn’t have answered,” I said honestly.

  “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t know she was going to call you.”

  “It’s okay,” I sighed. “I was about to go do something terrible and the phone call thwarted that.”

  “What were you about to go do?” he asked. He sounded concerned and it sent waves of emotion rippling through my chest.

  “I was about to go to the store and buy every bad movie I’ve ever wanted to see and fill my cart with junk food. I was going to order pizza or Chinese and in the morning I was going to go to Federal Donuts.”

  It was quiet for a moment. I thought maybe he had hung up and I didn’t hear the beep, but then he spoke in a very grave tone.

  “You need an intervention.”

  I actually laughed a little. “Your wife intervened,” I pointed out.

  “I’m still sorry about that,” he said sincerely.

  “It’s not a big deal,” I lied.

  “You’re lying,” he said softly.

  “It was a shock,” I admitted, holding a palm to my forehead.

  “Obviously, you’re not even going to Federal Donuts in the morning.”

  “Maybe not that much of a shock,” I said hastily.

  “I thought you were going to be in Tampa this weekend.”

  “Are you stalking me? You seem to know a lot about what I’m doing.”

  “Did you think I would just let you disappear into obscurity?” he asked, but before I could respond, he continued speaking. “My mom told me you were going to Jerry’s games.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Of course she did. Well, I’m not going.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because he made me angry.”

  “About what?”

  I bit my lip and stared up at the ceiling. Did I really want to tell Emmet about my personal problems with Jerry? I often thought about him telling me that Jerry would never give anything up for me, and I didn’t want to confirm that for him. I didn’t want him to be right about that.

  “I’d rather not rehash it with you. Are you working?”

  “Yeah,” he said with a sigh.

  “Don’t like it?”

  “What’s to like about this place,” he muttered.

  “Should have stayed with the family business,” I sang out softly.

  We talked only about the law office Emmet was working for over the next half hour. During that time, I was able to forget about my pain and my heart beat normally and I was able to breathe. I got comfortable on the couch and had even closed my eyes as we spoke, but when that conversation died down and we fell into silence, my rapid heartbeat returned and I suddenly felt like there was someone sitting on my chest.

  “I thought you would never speak to me again,” Emmet said quietly, breaking the silence.

  “We share a family,” I said. “We would have spoken eventually.”

  “I guess so,” he said doubtfully. “How long will it be before I speak to you again?”

  “I don’t know,” I said weakly.

  “I can’t go without talking to you again, Donya. I know we are literally living separate lives, but we are not separate. You know that, don’t you?”

  How could I ever possibly forget it? I loved my husband and we shared a wonderful life, most of the time, but I wasn’t connected to him. I wasn’t bound to him in the way that I was bound to Emmet. That tether will be there forever.

  “I do know that,” I whispered. “And that’s why I can’t be your friend.”

  His sigh was so sad that it brought tears to my eyes.

  “You still hate me,” he said in a small voice.

  “No, no,” I said hurriedly. “I don’t hate you, Emmet.”

  “Then say it,” he quietly commanded.

  I was struck mute for a moment. I thought about Emmy and her predicament. I didn’t think I was capable of cheating, but I forgot about the strong pull Emmet had on me. Good decision making was imperative, even when in a cloud of emotion.

  “I love you, Emmet,” I said hoarsely. “But we need to return to our lives now. You have your sweet wife at home and I have Jerry.”

  He exhaled, like he had been holding his breath waiting for me to say those three words.

  “I love you, too,” he said sadly. “Will I see you at the anniversary party?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

  “Okay.” He was reluctant to hang up and I knew how that felt because I could have listened to his voice all day. As much distress as it brought me, it soothed a part of me that no one else could access, not even me.

  “Bye, Emmet,” I said, fighting back tears.

  “Bye, Donya.”

  I wanted to lay there and feel miserable and zone in on that bereft feeling I felt, but this would be no good for me and no good for my marriage. I rolled off of the couch and hurried into my bedroom. I quickly put my shoes on and adjusted my hair before grabbing all of my luggage. I struggled my way to my car and threw everything into the trunk. A little under two hours later I was boarding my flight to Tampa. I felt like I had crossed a line that had been drawn in the dirt the moment I said “I Do.” Regardless of how I felt about Emmet, I needed to stay on the right side of that line. I had to keep my senses about me, and in order to do that, I needed to be with my husband.

  A few days after we returned from Tampa, Jerry came home from practice with a gift for me…a gift that whined and let out little puppy barks, wearing a nametag that said Dusky. I gave him a sideward glance that said “You’ve got to be kidding me” even as I hugged and kissed the black lab.

  Jerry gestured to something attached the bow that was tied around the puppy’s collar. It was a rolled up piece of paper, like a miniature scroll. Balancing the dog in one arm, I unraveled the piece of paper and read.

  Dusky is the first addition to our family. We will make the second addition together.

  “Jerry,” I grinned and blinked back tears. “Does this mean…”

  “Yes, but,” he put his finger up in warning. “I can’t promise you when I’ll be ready, or if I’ll ever truly be ready, but someday we will try to have a baby, okay? But we have to talk about it first. No turkey basters and poking holes in the condoms.”

  I threw my free arm around his neck and kissed him. No, we weren’t connected, but we were happy, and I wouldn’t jeopardize that, ever. I hoped down in Pensacola, Emmet had found his own happiness with his family, too.

  Chapter Fifty

  Eighteen months later, Jerry stared at me, not comprehending what I had just told him.

  �
��What do you mean you’re pregnant?” he asked, his eyes narrowed in confusion.

  “What kind of question is that?” I asked, irritated by his reaction. “I can’t make the statement ‘I’m pregnant’ any clearer than that.”

  “But you’re on birth control,” he argued.

  “Remember when I switched prescriptions because the first one was making me break out?”

  “Not really.”

  Of course he didn’t remember. It didn’t directly apply to him, at least not at that time.

  “Well, I switched birth control pills and there was a small window of time when we had to be careful.”

  “I pulled out,” he said and gave me a suspicious look that I didn’t appreciate.

  “Did you learn anything in Sex Ed? Pulling out is not an effective form of birth control, Jerry.”

  He looked around the room as his mind began to truly process what was happening. When he met my eyes again, his eyes were a bit chilly.

  “We agreed to discuss this first,” he said.

  I stared at him incredulously.

  “I am sorry if my egg and your sperm didn’t sit us down over coffee and discuss the situation before they joined together,” I said.

  “I’m not ready for this,” Jerry said, holding up his hands as if he was out of the equation. Like that was enough for him to step back and make it all my problem.

  “Obviously,” I snapped. “I wish I could take full responsibility, but last I checked it takes one male and one female to make a human baby, so you better get your shit together.”

  I started to walk out of the room, but Jerry blocked my path and put his hands on my shoulders.

  “You’re not hearing me, princess,” he said in a hard tone. “I am not. Ready. For this. We have to take care of this.”

  My rage and violent need to protect myself and my unborn child were immediate. I shoved him away from me and then with a cry of pure resentment, I balled my hand into a fist and connected it to his mouth. Jerry stumbled back, stunned. He touched his lip and when he saw the blood on his fingers, his eyes widened.