Lost Love

by Nicole Casey

  “That sounds great.” His smile got to me. All I wanted to do was reach out and touch him, but not right there, not at school.

  When we kissed later that night, everything slotted into place. I had the stark realization of exactly who I was, and who I needed to be from there on out. Gio felt right. I adored him, I wanted him in every way possible, and I didn’t care who knew about it.

  Well… at school I didn’t, but home was a different story.

  Ironically I only ended up telling my parents about me and Gio because they were trying to force me to go to military school. I didn’t want that, any of it. I wanted to be with the love of my life, and I figured I was old enough to make my own decisions.

  How wrong I was. The row that ensued was epic enough to have me walking away from everything. It was bad enough for me to leave my whole life behind.

  But now… I was back. I was ready to put it to rest once and for all.

  With a deep breath I took a tentative step forward and I folded up my fist ready to knock. This was about to be the first day of the rest of my life, and I did not want to royally screw it up.

  Chapter Three

  Gio

  Knock, knock.

  “Urgh, Max, I saw the engagement photos online. I don’t need to see the real thing at…” I glanced at my watch. “Half ten at night on a school night. Some of us have work in the morning.”

  I should’ve known this was going to happen. There was no way Max would let me get away with a few likes. He’d want me to swoon over the real thing; he probably even had a stack of wedding magazines with him.

  Much as I wasn’t in the mood after the crappy weekend I’d had where I’d been feeling incredibly low over the knowledge that I still needed to recover from my past, I knew that there was no way of getting away with it. Not now that he was here.

  I slumped toward the door trying to force a bright fake smile on my face, but as I swung it open it fell away. My mouth slipped open and I stared at the ghost of my past with genuine shock in my gaze. It was almost as if by allowing myself to think about him, I’d caused him to materialize.

  But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

  This had to be a dream.

  Why now, after all these years, would he suddenly turn up just as I’d decided to let him go for good? I rubbed my eyes hard, trying to make the image of him vanish.

  This wasn’t right. I needed to return to reality.

  “It is really me, you know?” he told me softly. “I know I probably look very different, but it’s still me.”

  My hands tumbled to my sides and my heart restarted with a bang. It went from not beating at all, to hammering so loudly in my chest that I feared it might break free at any given moment.

  I stared intently at the stranger I knew so well. His dark eyes were still exactly the same. If I focused only on those I could almost imagine that the last few years hadn’t even happened, but then there were the crinkles around his eyes, the lack of curls, the muscles that had popped up as if from nowhere…

  “What are you doing here?” I eventually gasped before clapping my hand over my mouth to prevent me from vomiting.

  “Gio, I need to talk. Is there any chance I could come in?”

  No, you killed me, you destroyed my heart, I don’t want to ever think of you again…

  “Sure,” I heard myself saying instead. I even stepped aside and indicated toward the living room, giving him a much warmer welcome than he deserved.

  Derek sat down on my couch, looking really out of place in his black hoodie and camo trousers. He looked like a mess, but a really rugged, incredibly handsome mess that I just wanted to grab onto…

  No! I needed to remain strong.

  I had to remember what he did to me. I was not going to fall into his trap again. I always felt more for him than he did me. That was incredibly obvious now, and there was no point in trying to convince myself otherwise.

  “What are you doing here?” My walls planted themselves firmly around me, causing my tone to come out cold and harsh. He visibly flinched, but that was tough. He’d brought all of this on himself. If he hadn’t run away then maybe we could’ve really been something.

  Not that I was thinking about that!

  “I need to talk to you,” he eventually replied decisively. “I feel like there’s a lot of unfinished business between us that needs resolving.”

  Something about those words flared my temper wildly.

  “Unfinished business?” There was a chance I was shouting.

  “No, there’s nothing between us. How could there still be unfinished business all these years later when you saw fit to leave me heartbroken and alone?” Oops, so much for looking cool.

  “I know.” His eyes flickered downward and I noticed a green tinge to his face. Well, that wasn’t my problem. This probably was difficult for him but he only had himself to blame!

  “I know I ran away like an idiot, and that was wrong of me. I just think you should know that I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think it was absolutely necessary…”

  “Pfft, yeah right.” I folded my arms across my chest as an aggressive sarcasm laced my tone. I just couldn’t help myself. All the bitterness that I’d stored away over time came spilling right out.

  “Look, I know this isn’t going to be easy to hear…”

  “I don’t want to hear it!” A red glaze had shadowed my eyes; rational judgment was well out the window. “I don’t even understand why you’re here.”

  “I need to talk to you.” His tone was desperate. It seemed like he’d planned exactly what he was going to say and the fact that I wasn’t allowing him to get a word in edgeways wasn’t going down too well.

  “I needed to talk to you back then,” I exploded, throwing my hands wildly above my head. “But I couldn’t, because you were not here!”

  “It wasn’t like that.” He shrunk in on himself. I could physically see him reverting back to the teenage boy he once was, only this time with insecurities attached. Guilt was there, settling in my stomach, but I couldn’t give in to it.

  This was the first and only chance I was ever going to get to say all I needed to say. I really didn’t want to blow it.

  “That’s exactly as it was. If you didn’t want a future with me then you should’ve told me that. You left me hanging, believing we would take on the world together, then you were just… gone.” Tears unexpectedly filled my eyes, and that didn’t help with the hard image I was trying to put across.

  It seemed Derek wasn’t the only one who’d gone back in time. All the years that I’d spent working toward an awesome life for myself were just gone. I was eighteen years old, shy, awkward, not quite good enough for anyone.

  “You upped and left without saying goodbye, then you never wrote or anything. You can’t just expect to turn up years later and have everything forgiven. It doesn’t work like that.”

  “That isn’t my plan,” he replied gravely. “I didn’t come here to upset you.”

  “Upset me?” Okay, now I was screeching, this was not going to plan.

  “You can’t upset me. I’m so over you and I have been for years.” The lies were flying past my mouth much easier than I would’ve expected. I just needed to shut Derek down before he stole my heart all over again. I could feel that tug, the yearning, and I really wanted to give in to it.

  “Yeah, well maybe…”

  “Maybe nothing.” I jumped to my feet and allowed the rage to overwhelm me. Being angry felt much easier than being upset; I would save that until he was gone.

  I didn’t let Derek see me cry then (mostly because he was nowhere to be found) and I certainly didn’t intend to start now.

  “Look, Derek, just get out okay? There’s absolutely no reason for you to be here.”

  “Please.” He stood up and clasped his hands together, actually begging me. My resolve slipped, but only slightly. I couldn’t feel bad for Derek right now. I needed to protect my own heart for once. It wasn’t qui
te healed from the last time he was in my life. I couldn’t risk it again. “Please, just hear me out I’m begging you.”

  Yes, please tell me everything and make it all alright again.

  “No,” I said coldly instead. “Just get out of here.”

  He stared at me for a few seconds before finally fixing his eyes on the ground and turning to leave. Everything shattered within me as he walked toward the front door and out of my life again, but I had to let him go.

  Derek didn’t stick around. He left before and he would again now. There was no point in ever getting my hopes up that things would be different, because that was never going to be the case.

  I held it together, with my arms across my chest in an attempt to hold me upright, until I heard the click of the door indicating that he was gone.

  Then I collapsed.

  I fell back into the chair, and my cheeks wet from the tears. All the time that I’d spent building myself up to exist without Derek were gone, and all I wanted to do was call him back.

  I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, but I wanted to.

  I’d wanted to put him to the back of my mind to find a real love, but now that felt absolutely impossible. How was I supposed to have any kind of romance now that my heart was back in a million pieces? Or maybe it had always been that way, which was why I hadn’t ever been able to find someone else. No one could compare to Derek because of the state he left me in.

  Well, all I knew for sure was that I wouldn’t let him do that to me again, no matter what. I would cry now for a while, get it out of my system, then I would continue on my healing journey. Maybe now that I’d given him some hell that would be the closure I so desperately needed, and moving on would be no problem at all.

  I could hope, anyway.

  Chapter Four

  Derek

  Shit.

  As my feet hit the concrete once more, guilt totally flooded my system.

  I wasn’t necessarily expecting that meeting to be sunshine and roses, but I didn’t think there would be so much left over hurt to deal with.

  I assumed it was just me stuck in the past, unable to move on. I really wasn’t expecting Gio to feel the same way. I’d done some serious damage to him. He wouldn’t have screamed at me in that way if it didn’t still trouble him now.

  This was supposed to be all about closure, and now I had no idea what to do.

  I didn’t know how I felt about any of it.

  I didn’t feel like I’d put anything behind me at all.

  If anything I’d reopened the wound, and now it was sagging wide open.

  My heart bled, my organs ached, everything pained me all over.

  There was a chance I’d made things a million times worse.

  My eyes glanced from side to side as I recognized all the issues I’d created with coming back here while I was on leave from duty. Not only had I barged back into Gio’s life without thinking of the way it would affect him, but I also hadn’t planned where I was going to stay. I guess deep down I just assumed that I’d book a hotel when I got here, but now I felt like I needed to be around people who cared about me, which of course instantly put my family out of the picture.

  I scrolled through my phone before stopping on the one name of the person I wanted to hang out with. It was bad really. He was Gio’s friend mostly, but I knew he wouldn’t turf me out. Plus I was intrigued by the insightful knowledge he could give me about my current situation.

  It was likely I’d face another ear bashing, but it would be worth it, so with a deep sigh, I hit the dial button.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  My heart hammered nervously in my chest as I dialed, but I didn’t let that falter me. It was that or spend a lonely night getting myself even more worked up, which made it feel easier to deal with.

  “Are you calling to congratulate me? Because if so I’m ready to bask in it!”

  “Hi, Max,” I replied wryly. “Yes I saw the engagement photos online, congratulations.”

  “Derek Tricks, I cannot believe it’s you. After all these years. It’s just lucky for you that I have the same number.” He didn’t sound as pissed off as I was expecting, which maybe had more to do with his good news than me. “How’s it going?”

  “Not great, actually.” I felt terrible for being so negative during such a happy time of his life. Maybe this was a bad idea. “I just went to see Gio.”

  He gasped loudly, blown away by my revelation, which only confirmed what a terrible idea it was. I should’ve got his advice first, that was a massive oversight on my behalf.

  “You did what?”

  “So I guess you can imagine how well that went.” My eyes slid shut for a second as I recalled Gio’s hurt face. He was mad at me, but the predominant emotion was sadness which I hated. I never would’ve come if I knew.

  “I’m a bit stuck now.”

  “Oh well, you’re more than welcome to come and stay with me and Bryant if you like? We’re going to be a bit sickly and in love now that we’re getting married, but I won’t have you out on the streets.”

  “I’m not in that bad of a situation.” Despite myself I laughed at Max’s joke. “But I would love someone to talk to.”

  “I will come and pick you up, are you near Gio’s house now?”

  “Just around the corner.” I glanced up at his apartment, deciding to get away before I did something stupid like going back in there. “But I can get a cab if that’s easier?”

  “Nonsense, just wait.”

  As he hung up the phone I pumped my fists by my side in frustrated sadness. I didn’t want more drama in my life. I just wanted to be happy, which made this madcap mission seem idiotic. The worst part of it was that now my feelings for Gio were back with a vengeance; they were careering wildly all over me, making me regret absolutely everything that I’d ever done in my life.

  I should’ve been stronger.

  I should’ve stuck around.

  I should’ve made things work.

  If I hadn’t managed to get over him in all that time he was absent from my life, then it didn’t seem likely that I’d manage it now.

  Now I would never get my happy ever after, and I only had myself to blame.

  ***

  “Thank you for putting me up,” I said gratefully to Max as I slung my backpack onto the wonderfully posh spare bedroom he had in his house he shared with his fiancé.

  “And thank Bryant too, I know this is a bit of a weird situation.”

  He cocked his head and eyed me curiously, which meant I was about to get asked the questions I really didn’t want to answer. Still, this was Max. He’d just put himself out for me, I couldn’t really deny him, could I?

  “I have to ask, Derek, what the hell is going on with you? You vanish for years. Everyone thinks you’re gone for good, then you rock back up out the blue. Maybe it isn’t polite of me to ask, but I need to know.”

  I sighed noisily as my butt fell onto to extremely comfortable bed. This was a luxury I’d got used to living without. There was a chance that Max wouldn’t be able to wake me up for a week! “Do you really want to know?” Max didn’t even bother replying; he simply rolled his eyes and sat down next to me.

  “Okay, look, this is going to make me sound a little pathetic, but I guess I’ve never really gotten over Gio.” I hated how ridiculous that made me sound, but I had to be honest.

  “I know I haven’t been around, so I shouldn’t even be thinking of him, but he’s always there in the back of my mind.”

  “So why did you leave?”

  “I had to go.” Finally, someone was willing to hear my explanation. Hopefully, he would also tell Gio what I said. It might not help anything, but at least it’d leave him with the truth.

  “I didn’t leave him because I didn’t want him. It was because I wasn’t good enough for everyone else.

  “I finally came out to my parents, and they rejected me cruelly. I knew then that they’d never accept me, so I had to run away. It might no
t sound like a rational decision now, especially doing it in the way that I did without telling anyone, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice at the time.”

  “Woah.” Max slid his hand comfortingly around my back.

  “That’s rough, but you know we would’ve helped you if you’d just told us? Gio especially, he would’ve done absolutely anything for you.”

  “How did he take it? When I left, I mean.” I closed my eyes preparing myself for the worst.

  If I pictured it happening the other way around, I would’ve been absolutely destroyed.

  It was just unfortunate that I was so wrapped up in my own issues at the time. I just couldn’t see anything else.

  “You already know the answer to that, he was a mess. But he coped, he moved on, he started to build a life for himself.”

  “Yes, it looks like he’s done well for himself. His apartment is incredible.” I nodded slowly, as if my lungs weren’t being crushed in my chest. I was far more overwhelmed than I expected to be.

  “I’m glad that he’s done so well for himself.”

  “Well, you have too. Word on the street is that you’re living a pretty nice life in the army.”

  “Word on the street?” I couldn’t imagine anyone talking about me.

  “Okay, Facebook,” Max shrugged and smiled. “But it seems like you’ve done alright.”

  “Yeah, it’s not bad.” Mostly it wasn’t. I loved a lot of it, but I couldn’t really think about any of that right about now.

  I just needed to work out how to dig myself out of the hole I was in.

  “So, now I need to ask you something else a little weird,” Max said.

  I braced myself, expecting the worst.

  “What did you come back to see Gio for? Do you want him back?”