The Affair of the Bloodstained Egg Cosy

by James Anderson

  He smiled. 'Don't you have a proverb in this country: something about all work and no play being a bad thing?'

  'Something like that.'

  'Then I'll certainly find time for as many conducted tours as you're able to give me, Lady Geraldine.'

  He looked steadily at her. Gerry seemed to find this disconcerting. 'Er, another cup of tea, Mr. Adler?' she said hurriedly.

  'Thank you.'

  Gerry signalled to the footman, then watched Adler surreptitiously as he took a fresh cup and added lemon. Strange; his features were quite ordinary really. But he certainly had something. And she felt sure he could tell a few stories. She was starting to look forward to the next few days . . .

  * * *

  'Personally,' said Lord Burford, 'I'm very attached to the good old-fashioned cesspit.'

  He had been finding Nicholas Felman a most admirable listener. The young man did not initiate much conversation himself, but he was splendidly attentive and sympathetic to the trials and tribulations of an English landed proprietor: the iniquities of county council and government, and the insatiable demands of tenants - the latest of these being for modern sewage disposal.

  His last remark, however, was overheard by the Countess, who interrupted firmly: 'George! I'm sure Mr. Felman has no desire to converse about such a matter. Kindly desist.'

  'Oh. Sorry, m'dear.'

  'It's clearly time to change the subject. Tell me, Mr. Felman, is this your first visit to England?'

  Felman gave a little start. 'I beg your pardon? Oh - yes, it is.'

  'Have you been long in the diplomatic service?'

  'Yes. Since I left University.'

  'Always stationed at home?'

  'No. I did - let me see - two, yes, two years in Stockholm.'

  'That must have been enjoyable. A delightful city.'

  'Yes, very pleasant.'

  'We were there ten years ago. Tell me, do you know a charming little restaurant called Olsen's in Storkyrkobrinken?'

  'No, I'm afraid not.'

  'Oh.' Lady Burford fell silent. Strange that a professional diplomat, good-looking and presumably intelligent, should seem so gauche, so ill at ease, so, frankly, dull. Still, the Countess was not a person to give in so soon.

  'I expect your family have been in the diplomatic service for generations, have they?' she asked next.

  'What? Oh no. Actually, I'm the first.'

  It was hard work but the Countess persevered, gradually eliciting from Felman the information that he was unmarried and that his only close relative was a younger sister, Anna, a medical student. Then he appeared to make a great effort.

  'You have a wonderful home, Lady Burford.'

  'I'm glad you like it.'

  'You seem to have quite large stables.'

  'Fairly. Do you ride?'

  'A little.'

  'Then you must talk to my daughter. She's the keenest these days. Geraldine!'

  'Yes, Mummy.'

  'Come and talk horses to Mr. Felman. Excuse me, Mr. Felman. I must go and speak to cook about dinner.'

  She got up and walked away. Gerry, who'd been getting on famously with Adler, looked a trifle put out, but she made her apologies and went across. Lord Burford, who had been listening to her conversation, leaned over and tapped Adler on the shoulder. 'Tell me all about this country of yours,' he said.

  'That's quite a tall order, sir. What exactly do you want me to tell you?'

  'I don't know anything about it hardly. Tell me what I ought to know.'

  'Well, we're small, peaceful, and prosperous. The people are free and on the whole happy. We have what I suppose you'd figure was a pretty measly little empire, but which we're kind of proud of. I guess our main aim is just to keep things pretty much as they are.'

  'And you think Britain can help, is that it?' Lord Burford spoke in a quieter voice. 'And you needn't worry,' he added. 'I know this is all hush-hush. Me brother got the OK to give me an outline of what'll be going on. I do sit in the House of Lords and I have taken the oath of allegiance.'

  'Oh, I'm well aware nothing needs to be kept from you, Lord Burford.'

  'Keep as much from me as you like, my dear feller. This sort of thing's not my cup of tea at all. Good luck to you, though.'

  'Thank you.'

  'You've spent most of your life in America, I understand.'

  'A good part of it.'

  'Would it be bad form to call you a Yankee?'

  'On the contrary, I'd be honoured.'

  'Oh, capital. You must tell my daughter.'

  Adler looked a shade puzzled at this somewhat enigmatic remark, but he got no enlightenment, Lord Burford then asking: 'How did you come to take up a political career in another country?'

  'Well, I was born in the Duchy, of course. But my mother was American, and after my father died when I was eight, she returned to the States. The only connection I retained with the old country was a knowledge of the language. Then when I was at Harvard, the then Grand Duke, the present one's father, sent his son there to finish his education. Shortly after he arrived, he discovered that there was a solitary compatriot of his there also. He invited me to visit him. The short of it was we struck up a friendship, and when we finished he asked me to go back with him and become his aide. My mother had died about a year before and my best girl had just jilted me. I had nothing to keep me in the States. So I went. Over the years I've worked my way up. That's just about it. Rather a boring story, isn't it?'

  * * *

  'Have we ever met? Your face looks definitely familiar to me.'

  It was Edward Thornton who spoke, and Giles Deveraux turned with relief towards the source of the precisely enunciated words. He had been listening for what seemed like hours to a lengthy discussion on some of the More Memorable Meals served to Algy Fotheringay by his aristocratic hosts, and the interruption had come opportunely in one of Algy's few pauses for breath.

  'Is that so?' Deveraux said. 'I fear that it's merely that I've got that sort of face. I can't say I reciprocate.'

  'In the war, perhaps? I was with the Somerset Light Infantry.'

  'I'm sorry to say I missed the show - by about two months. I was in the Navy afterwards, but not until after all the shooting had stopped. Frustrating. Still, I've seen a fair amount of the world since - both in and out of the service.'

  'You've travelled extensively?'

  'I've got around.'

  'Whereas I have never been farther than four or five European capitals.'

  'And you with the FO!'

  'That is the precise reason. I am attached to the European section.'

  'Ah, then it's unlikely we met abroad, anyway. Probably we've just sat next to each other at Wimbledon or Twickenham.'

  'I think not. I have little interest in games. You are a writer, I understand.'

  'Of a sort.'

  'I have to admit never recalling having seen any of your books.'

  'Probably because I write under various pseudonyms.'

  'May I ask what names?'

  'Oh, G. K. Chesterton, Ernest Hemingway, Virginia Woolf.'

  For a split second Thornton looked startled. Then he smiled icily. 'I'm sorry. You think I'm being too inquisitive.'

  'Not at all. Merely a feeble joke. No, I'm not a best-selling author. Mine are mostly travel and guide books. And I write magazine articles. I use the names Jonathan George and Andrew Lewis mainly.'

  'Oh, I am familiar with the name Jonathan George. A work on Malaya, I believe?'

  'One of my slightly better-known efforts.'

  'Surely a far cry from the stately homes of England, is it not?'

  'I believe in casting my net wide.'

  'Who are to publish this book?'

  'It's for the American market, actually. A New York firm. I doubt that the name would mean much to you.'

  'What other houses are to be included apart from Alderley?'

  'I'm not quite sure Alderley is to be included yet,' Deveraux said. He listed some of the o
ther houses.

  'I see,' Thornton said. 'Your plans seem to be far advanced.'

  'Far enough, I think,' said Deveraux. 'Far enough.'

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The Secret Passage

  Mr. and Mrs. Peabody and Evans arrived about six. Jane, who'd had vague expectations of meeting the caricatured Texans of fiction, was pleased to find the Peabodys pleasant, unassuming people. She took to them at once.

  The only person, in fact, who seemed not to like them, was Lord Burford himself. This puzzled Jane until Gerry explained the Earl's fears and suspicions about the guns. 'He'll be all right in a few hours, though,' she added, 'when he realises how nice they are.'

  However, this wasn't to be. During the pre-dinner drinks, Gerry found her father standing alone, looking glum.

  She poked him in the ribs. 'What's wrong?'

  'Don't. Him.' He gave a jerk of his head.

  'Peabody?' Gerry glanced towards the millionaire - a squarely-built man of about fifty-five, with a pugnacious jaw and rimless glasses. 'I thought you'd be happier now you'd seen how pleasant and quiet and intelligent he is.'

  'That's the trouble. I was hoping he'd be a brash, self-opinionated fool, who'd just used his money to buy blindly. But I've got a horrible feeling he's going to turn out to know more about guns than me.'

  'Oh really, Daddy, don't be ridiculous. I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire when you really know him. Now go and talk to him.'

  'Oh, all right.' Lord Burford squared his shoulders and ambled across. He tapped Peabody on the shoulder. 'Tell me all about Texas,' he said.

  * * *

  In spite of Merryweather's forebodings, dinner that evening was a very successful occasion.

  The food - clear soup, dover sole, saddle of lamb with garden peas, strawberries and cream, and a fine Cheddar cheese - was superb. Lord Burford, having talked to Peabody, had, temporarily at least, got over his apprehensions and was a jovial host. Lady Burford, who, after Merryweather's warning had spent a hectic time trying to find an unaccompanied lady to invite at short notice, had at long last succeeded in getting hold of a Mrs. Carpenter, the relict of a former bishop of the diocese, who usually dined at Alderley a couple of times a year. So the Countess was happy, and determined not yet to worry about the same problem at future meals.

  The guests seemed to get on well together. Mrs. Peabody wore her famous necklace, and the magnificent stones were an immediate talking-point. Peabody and Adler found a common interest in baseball. Felman seemed less ill at ease than earlier. Algy was eating too eagerly to bore anybody greatly. And Jane and Deveraux, finding themselves seated side by side, had caught each other's eye, hesitated, then both smiled tentatively. Thereafter - much to the relief of Gerry, who had arranged the pairing - they talked, formally at first, but later more cordially.

  So the atmosphere was in every way thoroughly satisfactory, and as Merryweather supervised he wondered why he had earlier felt so uneasy. The house party was clearly going to proceed swimmingly.

  After dinner, when the men joined the ladies in the drawing room, Lord Burford made a short speech. 'While everybody's here I'd like to explain something about our security system. As you know, there's a lot of very valuable stuff here -paintings, silver and personal jewellery, its well as quite famous collections of stamps, first editions, and coins. In addition, of course, there are my firearms and ammunition, which mustn't fall into the wrong hands. So to be on the safe side we've had a unique and, we think, foolproof burglar alarm installed. The drawback is that not only can nobody get in without setting it off, but nobody can get out either. Your bedroom windows will open six inches only. If you should force them wider - and, of course, you can do that quite easily in an emergency - or open or break any other window, unlock or force a door, you'll trigger the alarm off. Merryweather switches on - or if we're having a late night, I do - last thing after locking up, so I'm afraid that it's just not possible to go for a stroll in the grounds after that. Sorry.'

  Peabody said: 'You can turn it off, I suppose, Earl? There is a master switch?'

  'No. We wanted to be as secure as they could make us, and we had to think of the possibility of a really serious burglar—'

  'Like this Wraith guy, huh?'

  'Exactly. We had to think of the possibility of a thief like that bribing a servant to turn it off. So the thing's on a time switch. After it's primed it stays on until the morning, when it switches off automatically - at six-thirty this time of year.'

  'What would happen if a door had to be opened at night?' Adler asked. 'To let a doctor in, say, if someone was taken ill.'

  'We'd just have to put up with the alarm bells for five minutes or so. Actually, they wouldn't cause too much of a disturbance. There's one in my bedroom, one in the butler's, and one in the hall. Unless you were a very light sleeper or left your door open, I doubt if you'd hear it in your room. Now, who's for bridge?'

  Two games were soon started, one involving Lord Burford, Peabody, Felman, and Thornton; and the other Carrie Peabody, Richard, Algy, and Evans. Lady Burford sat with Mrs. Carpenter, who did not play.

  Meanwhile, Gerry took Adler off to hunt for the entrance to the secret passage. Deveraux also expressed an interest in seeing it and went along too. Jane made up the fourth.

  Gerry led the way across the great hall to the breakfast room, which was at the eastern end of the main block. She went in, switching on the lights. The room was oak panelled and had french windows leading onto the front terrace. Heavy velvet curtains were at present drawn across them.

  Gerry perched herself on the edge of the mahogany table and smiled at Adler. 'Right. It's all yours.'

  He stared round. 'I don't know where to start.'

  Deveraux said: 'Can I help?'

  'Sure. I figure I'm going to need it.'

  'If we find it, I'll expect a half-share of your winnings.'

  'I'm not at all sure that's fair,' Jane said. 'Mr. Deveraux is an authority on English country houses. He'll know just where to look. I think they're out to break you, Gerry.'

  'I'm no authority, I assure you,' said Deveraux. 'I haven't started to write the bally book yet. My entire knowledge of secret passages is drawn from the storybooks of my misspent boyhood.'

  The room itself was sparsely furnished. Apart from the table, there was only a large sideboard and a dozen or so upright chairs placed round the walls. A large cupboard was built into one wall. For over ten minutes, while Gerry and Jane sat on the table, smoking and making unhelpful remarks, Deveraux and Adler examined the room. They tapped at panels, twisted, pulled and pushed at each small protuberance, and stamped on every accessible inch of the floor. Eventually they were forced to give up.

  Gerry stubbed out her cigarette, got off the table, and crossed to the cupboard. She opened it wide, then twisted the knob twice in each direction. Suddenly there was a click, and to the right of the fireplace one whole panel slid silently aside, revealing a black square, just large enough for a man bending low to pass through.

  Adler stared. 'Holy smoke.'

  'Well, well, well.' Deveraux shook his head. 'Most remarkable.'

  'It only works,' Gerry told them, 'when the cupboard door is wide open and the knob turned right-left-right-left. We think the cupboard was only put in as a sort of raison d'être for the knob.'

  'Fascinating.' Deveraux walked across to the hole in the wall and peered in. 'Can't see a thing.'

  'Allow me.' Gerry pushed past him, stuck an arm into the blackness, fumbled for a moment, and withdrew it, holding an electric torch. 'Don't let it be said that the Saunders are unprepared. Coming?'

  'Where does it lead?'

  'Wait and see. Mr. Adler?'

  'Oh, sure. I'm not backing out at this stage - whatever terrors are in store.'

  'Then I'll lead the way. Are you coming, Jane?'

  'Not this time, darling, thanks. Not in the only evening dress I've brought with me.'

  'I think it's pretty clean in there, actually. I
t's completely enclosed, so it can't get very dirty. Still, perhaps it would be a bit risky in white.'

  'Have a lovely time,' said Jane.

  Gerry disappeared into the opening, saying as she did so: 'Keep your heads down.'

  Deveraux and Adler followed her. Jane heard Gerry's voice, muffled: 'Mr. Adler, if you reach upward with your left hand you should feel a sort of handle. Will you pull it downwards?'

  There was a slight rumbling sound and the panel slid into place. Jane left the room and made her way upstairs to the first floor, turned right along the main corridor, and then went through a door on the left into another large panelled room. It was filled with shelves, which were stocked with sheets and other household linen. She waited for a few minutes, then heard a bumping sound behind the wall, a panel slid back, and Gerry emerged, followed by the two men. They looked around them, blinking.

  'Welcome back to civilisation,' Jane said.

  'Where are we?' Adler asked.

  Gerry told them. 'Did you both enjoy it?'

  'Well,' Deveraux brushed a speck of dust from his cuff. 'As secret passages go, I'm sure this one is one of the most delightful. But, frankly, if I should again have the occasion during my stay to proceed from the breakfast room to here, I shall ask Miss Clifton to guide me by the overland trail - no matter what dangers we may face from hostile natives.'

  'I think you're a soulless beast,' Gerry said. 'I'm sure Mr. Adler appreciated the romance and mystery of it.'

  'Indeed yes, Lady Geraldine. In spite of having banged my head at least a dozen times, I consider it to have been one of the most deeply satisfying experiences of my life. And I must congratulate you on never once losing your way.'

  'What on earth was the passage built for?' Deveraux asked. 'Isn't the house rather late for a thing like that?'

  'Yes. Nobody really knows. My great-grandfather's chaplain is reputed to have said that it was to be assumed it had been installed in order to facilitate an irregular liaison, but as Alderley was built by the first Earl, and it must have been included at his instructions, that theory hardly holds water.'