The Art of Mentoring

by Shirley Peddy

  I thought about my plans for the week. I wanted to touch base with Judy and see how things were going. I needed to call HR and start a search for someone to replace Gayle. I wanted to find out from Katy how the discussion had gone with Frank Manchester. I wanted to set up some more time with Alicia to continue our discussion. I planned to call Charlie and find out when I could come out to Sugar Land. I wanted to meet with Tom Gaines and get his thoughts about marketing. You can see how my mind was working. I wanted everything but a meeting with Stuart. I was busy, and besides, I needed more time to think, I told myself.

  Judy wasn’t at her desk, so I went to my office and checked my e-mail. A brief note from Katy assured me she had made contact with Frank Manchester. She said all was well, and she would fill me in later. I went by the coffee room, and Judy was there making fresh coffee. “I’ll do that,” I told her.

  “I’m just about finished,” she replied. “You can get it another time.”

  Fair enough. Judy had called Personnel Monday to see if they had any candidates for the opening. She had that level of initiative you pray for and seldom find. There were three folders sitting on my desk waiting for me, but first I decided to drop by and say good morning to Alicia. She was just hanging up the phone as I walked in. “Rachel, you won’t believe it,” she told me, “my husband thinks you’re a miracle worker for getting me home before 6:30 two days in a row.”

  I smiled. “Well, please thank Tomás and tell him that I’ll believe we worked miracles when you start leaving before five and getting me to walk out with you. Deal?”

  “Deal,” she said, smiling back.

  “When can we get back together?” I asked. “I think we need to continue our discussion about you and what you’re looking for.”

  “How about this afternoon,” she responded. We agreed on two p.m., and she said she preferred to meet in the small conference room. I promised to reserve it.

  I passed by Katy’s office, but she wasn’t there so I returned to mine. As I looked through the three folders, I noted all were TYHers who wanted to move into Marketing. They were from Human Resources, Accounting, and Distribution, Gayle’s former home. The person from Distribution had a Marketing degree, which seemed to make him the best choice. Before I made a decision, I decided to talk with Tom Gaines and find out what he considered to be the qualities I should look for and ask Charlie Rothstein if he knew any of the candidates. I felt this research was necessary not only because I wanted to pick the best candidate but also because we were experiencing enough bumps in the road without additional problems.

  Charlie was in and extended an invitation to Sugar Land for the following day. I would drive out there in the morning and tour the plant. Charlie promised to fax me a map but only if I agreed to stay for lunch and eat barbecue. “Okay,” I said, “I’ll wear something dark.” He laughed and said he’d see me at nine.

  I called Katy and left a message on her voice mail. Then I asked Judy for Tom Gaines’ cell phone number. He was on his way to take a client to lunch, he told me, and wouldn’t be back this afternoon. We made plans to meet Thursday morning. My calendar for the week was filling up, and I was aware I had left Stu off of it—deliberately. No, I said to myself. This is not going to happen. I will see him, and I will talk to him by the end of the week. Not good enough, I thought. I’ll call him now and see when we can get together. He’s going to wonder why. What shall I tell him? It’s about picking up our conversation from last week, I decided. The initiative was mine, at least for the moment. If it became his, we’d pick up the game where we left it. New rules! Let’s quit fooling around and get a conversation going. I picked up the phone, and he answered. When I hung up moments later, Stuart Kennedy and I had a meeting scheduled for Wednesday afternoon at 3:30.

  Later that morning I dropped by Human Resources. The manager was Lily Sheldon, a genteel and proper lady who shook my hand limply and invited me to sit down. Her lips seemed permanently pursed, and she reminded me of my junior high school principal, Mrs. Steely (whom we used to call the iron maiden). She made the usual inquiries about my situation: apartment, finding my way around Houston and all the rest. I made the necessary small talk—weather, traffic, and housing.

  I was really there for one thing—to satisfy my curiosity about how her office was decorated. The answer was tastefully. The furniture was French Provincial, and she had elegantly framed period art on the walls. So did her assistant, Mary Alice. Looking up and down the hall, the Human Resources group had obviously policed themselves into very attractive surroundings. I had seen no evidence of this anywhere else in the building. Part One of my grand plan was in place.

  I was heading for Katy’s office when Alicia stopped me. She was distraught. She and Katy had had words about last week. “What specifically?” I asked. As I suspected, it concerned the Super Health situation. Katy had walked into Alicia’s office and told her she didn’t appreciate Alicia’s “ratting” on her about Manchester. I could see she was near tears. She said Katy owed her an apology. “Rachel, I told you she was quick-tempered,” she said. “This just proves my point.”

  I was inclined to agree, but I didn’t want to make matters worse. We went back to my office to talk. “I have a lot of respect for your interpersonal skills, Alicia,” I told her. “If you could picture how you would want this situation to come out, what would that be?” I had already gathered what Alicia would prefer, which was for me to step in and squash Katy like a bug. She was tapping again, so I knew she was nervous. Nonetheless, I believed any interference from me would just put off the inevitable showdown. Alicia said she’d like to have a better working relationship with Katy. She described it as one in which she and Katy could discuss problems without Katy “jumping all over her.”

  We talked for a few minutes about Katy’s being new to the business world, and I reiterated that she needed Alicia’s help. Alicia, after all, was good at relating to customers, and that was a skill Katy needed to develop. I encouraged her to give Katy some feedback about how she came across, particularly in stressful situations. The key was to confront the problem, not the person. “After all,” I added, “you two are on the same team.” From the way she was chewing on her bottom lip, I got the impression Alicia was a bit annoyed as well as understandably apprehensive. She had come in wanting me to solve the problem. Now she knew that wasn’t going to happen, she frankly confessed that she wasn’t sure how to approach Katy. She asked me if I had any ideas to make things go better. This is what I suggested:

  When Giving Feedback Is Going to Be Hard

  “First: Ask Katy’s permission to give her feedback. Talking to her without her agreement is a waste of time. So say something like, ‘May I talk to you for just a minute about this morning?’”

  “Suppose she says no or that she’s too busy?”

  “Tell her you think it’s important to clear the air and ask her when the two of you can do this. Be persistent.

  “Second: Show her that you are looking at the situation from both sides. Say, ‘I can understand why you might have felt unhappy (upset or frustrated) about what happened with Frank Manchester.’ It’s very important to focus on the immediate situation here.

  “Third, tell her what you’d like to talk about and describe the benefit. ‘I’d like to talk about what happened between us because I think we could have a much better working relationship.’

  “Fourth: Let her know the impact of her behavior. Now here’s a key point, Alicia. Don’t tell Katy she was abrasive or defensive. Those characterizations always make matters worse. Instead, describe the defensive behavior. For example, ‘When you interrupt or make a stopping gesture with your hand, it makes me feel as if you don’t want to hear what I’m trying to tell you. Then I feel like saying, ‘What’s the use?’”

  “But what do I do if she jumps down my throat again?”

  “It helps if you are prepared for it. After all, it shouldn’t be a surprise. Isn’t that the very thing you’re there to talk abou
t? To be fair, once you outline the situation, you need to give her a chance to respond,” I said, “but keep the discussion focussed on the problem you two are having with communication. Point to how she’s responding right now. See what I mean? Above all, do not get drawn into a discussion of the Manchester situation. Tell her that until you two find a way to communicate, there’s no way you can discuss it. Your being firm about this will help Katy understand there are penalties for overreacting.”

  “Penalties?”

  “I’m not talking about being punishing. There’s a difference. Penalties are not ‘pay back’ like punishment is. Penalties are simply predictable consequences. If you were playing football and stepped out of bounds, the result is the forward motion of the ball stops right there. That’s a rule of play. Feedback should never be punishing. It’s just information, helpful information, delivered from one imperfect person to another about something that can be improved or, at the very least, changed. Now, if you have problems resolving this issue between you, I’d like to step in and facilitate the discussion. I think it’s that important.”

  “Why not just do it that way in the first place?”

  “Because you and Katy are the two who need to work this out. Are you willing to try?”

  She sighed. “Okay, but I don’t like confrontations.”

  “It doesn’t need to be a confrontation. It’s an opportunity to practice your skills and to improve a relationship at the same time. My experience has been that being open and honest is a good way to resolve differences and a key business skill.” I added, “As for the Manchester situation, there was no way to keep it quiet, Alicia. Don’t forget, Kramer called me. Your warning was helpful because I wasn’t surprised by his call. However, as promised, I never told Katy that you said anything to me.”

  She nodded.

  “Are we still on for this afternoon?” I asked.

  She sighed. “I hope I can get something done today,” then added, “I want to talk some more about my work so let’s get together at two.”

  “I’m going to see Katy to find out what happened with Manchester,” I told her. “I want you to know, Alicia, that I’m not planning to bring up what’s going on between the two of you. That’s up to you. Pretend she’s one of your customers and do your usual stellar job.”

  A slight grimace. Then, “I’ll do my best.”

  My discussion with Katy was brief. Yes, she had spoken to Manchester, and things were fine. In fact, he had found the invoices, and a check would be on its way this afternoon. He too was sorry for the misunderstanding and invited Katy to come out and visit. Not a word was spoken about the discussion with Alicia—by Katy or by me.

  When I returned to my office, Judy told me that Alicia had stopped by. She was feeling swamped. Judy had rescheduled our appointment for Friday morning at ten. She hoped that was all right with me. I nodded. Then I sat down and wrote up some ideas for our meeting. Alicia was very orderly, and I thought this might give her time to collect her thoughts. In some ways, I was adding to her “rock” but it seemed to me a rational process for chipping away at it. First, I asked her to describe her role, adding, “Please don’t tell me what you do, but focus on why TYH has you doing those things.” Next, what, in her opinion, added the most value and what was not worth her time? Third, what part of her job did she most enjoy and why? Finally, what were her aspirations for the future, short and longer-term?

  I ran off a copy and took it by Alicia’s office. She was reading a paper from one of the many on her desk. She looked up and started to apologize for changing our meeting. I smiled. “It may turn out to be for the best. I’ve got a few questions for Friday. Please, please don’t feel you have to write any answers to them. It’s a working document to help us both focus on what’s important.” I turned toward the door, then back to Alicia. “If you want to put down some questions and give them to me, I’ll work off your list.” She nodded. Just then the telephone rang, and she turned toward it. I went back to my office.

  That night Paul called. When I learned there had been a setback with Brad, my heart sank. Paul had come home about two to pick up some things he had left at home and found Brad and a couple of his buddies in-line skating in the street. “Rachel, I made up my mind this had to stop,” he said, with a tone of outrage. “I didn’t lose it,” he said, “at least visibly, but I asked Brad if he’d mind coming in and talking for a few minutes. He told his fellow teenagers he’d be right back. When he came in, I told him I wanted him to work with me for the next few weeks or months while he was ‘deciding’ what to do with his life. He said I shouldn’t worry about that—he’d found a job.”

  “A job? What about school? What about talking with someone about his future?”

  “He doesn’t need to go to school for this job, Babe, and he’s obviously not worried about his future. He’s going to be a manager-trainee at a fast-food place, one of those drive-ins that specializes in hot dogs and hamburgers. He says for a year he’ll work all the jobs and fill in while he learns the business.”

  “The business? I can’t picture him cleaning the rest rooms.”

  “Neither can I, but it’s better than playing kid’s games all day.”

  “Well that’s not exactly my dream for him, but what do we do now? He’s not moving out, is he?”

  “He hasn’t said. I told him fine, if that’s what he wants to do with his life, go for it. He told me he might want to own a chain of them someday. The boy has absolutely no idea of what things cost. Anyway, I treated the whole thing as serious and said I wanted to see him committed to something worthwhile and important. If this was it, fine. Was he prepared to make a six months commitment?”

  “Six months? You didn’t!”

  “I did.”

  “I don’t want him working in some hamburger palace for six months. What about school? What about doing something meaningful with his life? What about Charlie’s idea?”

  “Hold it, Rachel. Let’s let this thing play out. Right now he’s having trouble making a commitment for the weekend, so don’t fret about the six months. Brad will be all right. He’s our son, isn’t he?”

  For the moment, I wasn’t sure.

  When I hung up, I brewed a cup of hot tea. Paul was probably right, and I was acting like an over-zealous mother, or was I? To take my mind off my son and his career aspirations, I decided to make some notes based on my meetings with Elroy and Alicia. I wondered if Alicia would confront Katy. I felt it would be good for both of them. Katy could benefit from some feedback and Alicia would grow in her skills to handle conflict.

  NOTES TO MENTORING FILE

  _____________________________

  Working through Problems

  When the Issue Is the Person Being Mentored

  Mentors need to have respect for the people they mentor. This is a relationship between two adults, which requires honesty on both sides. Remember, your role is to help the other person find a solution to his problems. The first and most difficult step is generally convincing the mentee that a problem exists, so don’t assume there is agreement on this.

  Hold up a “mirror” and let the person see what his behavior looks like.

  Give your opinion on how others might be reacting.

  Share your own similar experiences, if any.

  Help the person review his options, including the pros and cons.

  Offer advice only if the person asks for it.

  When the Person You Are Mentoring Has Problems with a Co-worker

  As a mentor, you should resist two pitfalls when the person you are mentoring has a problem with a co-worker. First, resist the urge to take sides, either by engaging in gossip about the other person or chastising the one you are mentoring. Instead, acknowledge the difficulty and be empathetic. Second, avoid offering unsolicited advice. Act rather as a consultant. Ask open-ended questions that focus attention on the desired outcome. “So how would you like things to come out?” In that way, you are helping the mentee learn two things
: how to handle such disputes and how to find solutions by focusing on the problem, not the person. Sometimes your advice may be requested.

  Example: Advising the Mentee on how To Give a Co-worker Feedback

  1. Ask for permission to give feedback. If the other person isn’t willing, stop immediately. Unwelcome discussions generally increase tensions rather than help to alleviate them.

  2. If necessary, agree on an alternate time. Be friendly, but persistent.

  3. When the time comes, focus EXCLUSIVELY on the immediate situation. If the problem is you have a hard time talking about your differences, then talk about the communication problem, not the differences.

  4. Tell her what you’d like to talk about, describing the benefit.

  5. Disarm the other person by showing her you see the situation from her perspective. “I can understand why you’re angry about this.”

  6. Let her know the impact of her current behavior or actions, suggesting alternatives.

  7. Be willing to admit your own mistakes or contribution to the problem.

  CHAPTER 6

  Collaboration and

  Conflicts

  A stander-by may sometimes, perhaps, see more of the game than he that plays it.

  — Jonathan Swift

  The next morning I set out for Sugar Land. To Your Health’s production facility was on a four acre site. The first thing I noticed driving in was the colorful array of purple and blue pansies and white periwinkles leading up to the front of the red brick Administration Building. For some reason, the thought of my barren office with its sterile white walls immediately flashed through my mind.