Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  “You must be Chase. I’m Dr. Stein, but if you feel more comfortable, you can call me Matt.” He reaches out and shakes my hand.

  “Nice to meet you, Doctor. This is my wife, Jordan.” I grab Jordan’s hand, looking for any sort of comfort.

  “Nice to meet you, Jordan.” The two of them shake hands then everyone’s eyes focus on me.

  “Chase, why don’t you allow me to talk to you for a few minutes then we’ll add Jordan into the conversation,” Dr. Stein says, motioning for Jordan to take a seat in his waiting room. I’m not sure why, but anytime I know I’ll be separated from Jordan panic takes over my whole body.

  Jordan squeezes my hand. “Hey, it’s okay. I’ll wait right here and when it’s time I’ll come in with you.”

  I exhale slowly and shake my head. I need to get this done so I can get out of this hell. I give Jordan a tight smile as she takes a seat. “Thanks,” I mumble as I hop out of that damn chair and follow the doctor inside his office. Once the door closes, the doctor starts in. “Make yourself comfortable.” As I look around his office, I see a couch, a recliner, and a small bed.

  I’m not sure what his patients usually choose but I head straight to the couch. Dr. Stein takes a seat in a chair across from me and gives me a warm smile that does nothing to calm my nerves.

  “What would you like to start off with? Any questions or concerns?” My stomach turns. I don’t want to talk. I just want to go home. Instead of answering, I shake my head no.

  “Let’s start with something simple, Chase. Why are you here?”

  I laugh but it lacks any humor. “I’m in this hospital because I hit my fucking head. I’m in your office because I was told I couldn’t go home unless I talked to you, and honest to God, Doctor, I will do just about anything to get out of this place. I want to walk out that door, grab my wife and”—I expel a frustrated sigh—“just fucking go home.”

  The doctor doesn’t react to my outburst. Instead, he just gives me a half-smile and carries on like I didn’t just beg him to release me from this hell.

  “Chase, can you tell me anything about the day you played in the game against Pittsburgh?”

  “No,” I quickly reply, giving him an answer I’m sure he already knew.

  “How about the day before?”

  “No,” I say again, slightly firmer.

  “Why don’t you tell me the last thing you remember.” A small grin crosses his face like he thinks he finally got one up on me.

  “I remember a lot of things. Workouts, practices, but nothing seems to be in order. I can’t remember if one event came before another.”

  “That’s fairly standard given your case. How about your personal life? Your family and friends? What is the last event you remember doing with them?”

  “Do you think it’s possible to take the rest of the year off and return as a starter next year?” I ask my dad after a lousy practice. I couldn’t concentrate worth a damn and the whole time I kept wondering if maybe Dr. Wallace was right.

  “Are you out of your fucking mind? Of course you won’t be a starter. For crying out loud, Chase, you’re only twenty-eight! If you start acting like you’re fucking injured, then you can kiss the chance of getting another contract goodbye. Grow the fuck up and act like a man!”

  “Yes, I remember talking to my dad about if I should be playing or not,” I say, looking away from the doctor. That memory is only one of many I can recall. With my dad, everything is always about football.

  “Any other conversations or events that come to mind?” he asks after I remain quiet.

  I look around the locker room at my teammates. Most of them seem happy to see me, but not all of them.

  “I heard Wallace wasn’t going to allow you back on the field for the rest of the season, but I guess that was just fucking gossip.”

  “I remember talking to Jake. I think...I think he came over to my house not too long ago.”

  “Dude, you’re almost out of beer. We better get more because I can promise you this isn’t going to be enough.”

  “Good, very good. Do you remember anything else?” I try to focus but nothing else comes to mind.

  “No. Can Jordan come in now?” God, I hate being separated from her.

  “Yes, in a minute. First, tell me a little bit about Jordan.”

  Talking to a stranger about my wife feels awkward. What does he really expect me to say, anyway? After a few seconds, I sigh and give him what he’s looking for.

  “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” That’s the only way I can or ever will describe Jordan.

  “Wow, that’s a pretty amazing woman. When did you two get married?”

  God, he’s asking me questions that he already knows the answers to and the part that’s pissing me off is he also knows I have no fucking clue.

  “I don’t know, but you already knew that ...It’s why I’m here. I can picture what my life looks like, but anytime I force myself to come up with details, I can’t and that pisses me off because I want to. I should be able to remember them.”

  “Good.”

  “Good?” I repeat. Surely this man earns enough money to come up with a better answer than just good.

  “Chase, you’re missing a part of your life and if you weren’t a little upset over that, then I would be very concerned. A person’s subconscious can work in strange ways to protect them from something they truly don’t want an answer to, but you’re claiming the opposite.”

  A panic takes over because he’s wrong. “Wait. Only a fool wouldn’t remember marrying his wife. Especially a wife he loves. I don’t want to be a fool, but I know something’s not right, even if I’m not sure I want to know what’s wrong.” Answers might make my fear a reality and that’s Jordan disappearing from my life.

  The doctor takes a deep breath. I think my last statement left him a little disappointed. “I think it’s time to allow Jordan to come in, if you’re still comfortable with that.”

  “Yes, I want Jordan with me,” I quickly say. Moments later, Jordan is sitting on the other end of the couch, looking awkward and uncomfortable.

  “Thank you for joining us, Jordan.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  A strange silence takes over and it seems like everyone is waiting for someone else to speak up.

  “Jordan, Chase claims he wants to know what’s going on in his life. He wants to discover the pieces he’s missing but he’s also worried that he might not like the answers he’ll uncover.” The doctor pauses. “Chase, there’s a reason your subconscious is keeping you from moving forward, and I feel confident that it has nothing to do with the last game you played. I believe your memory problems stem from the choices you’ve made and the people you’ve kept in your life. Once you learn everything, you might be upset, or you might be relieved. Whatever you’re feeling, I’ll be here to walk you through every step you need to take to be healthy and successful once again. Right now, I want you two to go home and live your everyday life, and as questions or concerns come up, you can call me. I’m going to leave you both with my personal cell and I don’t want you to be afraid to use it.”

  I’ve been waiting for someone to tell me I could go home and now that I can, I find the idea of it scary. I’m not sure what waits for me outside of this hospital, but I’m about to find out.

  JORDAN

  Dr. Wallace agreed to release Chase as long as he agreed to continue treatment with Dr. Stein. Chase went from nervous, to happy, to acting a little apprehensive, but ultimately I think he was willing to agree to anything if it meant he was allowed to go home.

  While the nurses and Donna fussed over Chase, I returned to Dr. Stein’s office where I was given a quick rundown on how I should handle the situation with Chase. When it came down to it, his instructions were easy.

  “Don’t lie to him and don’t give him information he hasn’t asked for. He’s not going to ask you anything he doesn’t want an answer to. As his mind starts to heal and the fog
in his memory begins to lift, he’ll begin to ask you serious questions. Questions that will require you to give him detailed answers, answers that more than likely won’t match the life he’s created in his mind. That’s why it’s important you don’t lie. We don’t want him any more confused than he already is.”

  Sounds simple, but the reality is I’m just as confused as Chase. I want to hate him. I want to be pissed that I’m here. I want to be mad that he’s involved me in his life, but I can’t seem to find the anger I once felt towards him.

  “We’re here.” Chase gives my hand a tight squeeze before hopping out of the car his mother arranged for us to take to his house. As I step out of the car, my breath catches. Chase’s house is in the outskirts of town on a beautiful hillside that looks down over the city. The view is incredible, but his house looks more like a resort than a home.

  I stopped picturing the kind of life I thought Chase lived years ago, but when we were kids, we talked about the house we’d have together and it was nothing like this.

  Chase unlocks the door with a key his mother gave him and walks inside without a care in the world.

  “God, I’m so fucking glad to be out of that hospital.”

  I roll my eyes as I place my bag down by the door. Chase spent fourteen days in the hospital but he was awake for only half that time. You would think he was there for years by the way he’s been complaining.

  “You know I’ve been thinking, since I’m not returning to the team, at least not anytime soon, then we should make the most of it. Go on a few of those vacations we’ve dreamed of.” Thankfully, my back is turned to him so he’s unable to see the pained look that crosses my face.

  “Name a place you’ve always wanted to go.” We’re naked, I’m lying across his chest, and I’ve never been happier. The last thing I want to think about is traveling. Chase can’t wait to go places, to see new things, while I grew up moving every other year. Our view on this topic couldn’t be more opposite.

  “I told you already, I don’t like traveling.”

  Chase brushes his hand up and down my back. “No, baby, you don’t like moving. There’s a big difference. You want a stable life and that’s exactly what I’m going to give you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t see the world while we’re building a life together.”

  I can feel the butterflies in my stomach flutter. Chase seems to always know what to say to make me feel better. “I guess you’re right, and when you put it that way, there’s a lot of places I still haven’t seen. Hawaii, Paris, maybe Vegas.” I smile into his chest, picturing myself traveling to new destinations with him.

  “Then we’ll go there, plus hundreds of other places. As long as we’re together, baby ...that’s all that matters.”

  “Jordan?” I’m snapped back to the present when I hear him say my name. I have no idea how to answer him. Since that conversation, I’ve traveled to all three places, but of course he doesn’t know that.

  I clear my throat. “I think we should wait until your mind is back to normal before we make plans to travel.” Chase nods his head and wanders further into his living room.

  Chase looks around with a confused expression before he stops and stares at his couch. His eyes widen in horror.

  “Is something wrong?”

  He’s already shaking his head no. “Everything is fine, it’s just . . .” He opens and closes his mouth several times with a look of panic on his face. His eyes scan the rest of the room, almost with a look of distaste.

  He seemed happy when he first walked through the door but he’s anything but happy now. I wonder if someone else picked out this place for him? Maybe an old girlfriend or, hell, it could have been his dad. Money and prestige definitely matter to Steve Adams and that’s exactly what this house screams.

  “What are you thinking about?” I ask softly.

  Chase shakes his head like he’s trying to clear his mind of a bad memory. “I just ...this place ...it doesn’t seem right. Not with you here, and I want you ...to be here with me.”

  Ah, so this is the real reason he wants to take a trip. It appears being in his house for only a few minutes has jarred his subconscious. He knows I don’t belong here, which means if I want him to remember his life—the one that doesn’t include me—then this is exactly where we need to be.

  “Maybe we’ll take a trip in a few weeks after you’ve had time to rest.” The smile on my face disappears when I see the look he’s giving me.

  “Please don’t treat me like I’m incompetent. I can handle that from a lot of people without giving a shit, but not from you. Never from you.” Crap. His voice sounds lost and sad, and never once did I think my comment would make him feel incompetent of anything.

  “I’m sorry, I never meant—”

  “I know you didn’t,” he interrupts. “I want to be the one who’s protecting you, not the other way around. I’m almost certain I’ve done a really shitty job of protecting you in the past, but let me now. Please. Give me the chance to show you I can do better.”

  Oh ...my ...God ...The eighteen year old me would love to forgive him. I want to go back to the night in the park, only this time, Chase would ask me to marry him and all would be right in the world.

  God, I don’t know what in the hell I was thinking agreeing to this fucked up brand of torture. This isn’t real, he isn’t really apologizing, and I need to do my best to remember that before I break down and actually forgive him for breaking my heart.

  CHASE

  I hate this fucking house. I can’t even remember why I bought it in the first place ...why we bought it, but I know I don’t want to be here, and I’m almost certain I know why our relationship is strained.

  When I looked at the couch, I had a vision, or God forbid a memory. Either way, I saw an unfamiliar female and she was taking her clothing off ...for me. The idea that I might have cheated on Jordan is more than I can stomach, but it does explain why she seems tense, almost guarded around me.

  Oh God, what have I done? How could I have cheated on the only woman I’ll ever love? That has to be why she was in New York, why she didn’t show up until the other day, and why I haven’t seen a lick of anything in the house that belongs to her. No matter what, she’s here now. She came back to me and that only proves how much she truly loves me. If God is going to gift me with a second chance, then I’d be a real fool not to take the time to remind her why we belong together.

  “Oh, hey, there you are.” I glance up from the chair I’m sitting in that overlooks the hillside. I came out here to drink a beer while Jordan took a shower because I didn’t trust myself to be in the house while I knew she was naked and wet. Naked. Shit, all the blood runs from my head to my other head and now I’m trying my best to hide the rather large erection I’m sporting.

  “Um, yeah, I came out here for some fresh air and to enjoy the view.” Jordan turns and looks out over the deck and her eyes go wide as she takes in the sight before her.

  The view from the deck isn’t what I’m looking at anymore. Instead, I’m sitting here staring at Jordan in a tank top and some rather short shorts that have my cock painfully hard. I wonder how long it’s been since we’ve had sex because my body is reacting to Jordan the same way it did when I was a horny teenager.

  Jordan turns towards me with a smile that’s more medicating than anything Dr. Wallace could prescribe, then gestures with her hand towards my dick as she asks, “Should you be doing that?”

  Fuck no I shouldn’t allow my dick to grow painfully hard if it doesn’t have any chance of getting some relief, and I’m just about to comment something along those lines when she asks another question. “Did Dr. Wallace say it was okay to have a drink?” I look down and see that I’ve been using the beer in my hand as a way to cover up my erection.

  “Oh.” I laugh under my breath. “He said I shouldn’t get drunk but a beer here and there is okay.” Jordan nods then takes the seat next to me and goes back to looking out at the hillside.

  “I t
hink this is my favorite part of this house,” she says as her eyes scan the hills. I definitely agree with her. The view from the deck is immaculate and I’ve never grown tired of sitting here. For some reason, I can’t remember being here with Jordan and she’s definitely acting like this is the first time she’s been out here. I sigh and shake off my thoughts.

  Jordan is taking in the view but I’m devouring Jordan. I love how after all these years she’s kept her dark brown hair down to the middle of her back and how her blue eyes still sparkle just as much as the day I met her. It couldn’t have been that long ago that I saw her, but it feels like it’s been forever. I want to break this friction between us and explore every inch of her delicate body. I’m brought out of my illicit thoughts when I hear a song playing from inside the house. Jordan perks up and glances in my direction.

  “Oh, sorry, that’s my cell phone. I thought I had it on vibrate.” She makes no attempt to get up to go see who is calling her.

  A peaceful silence lays over us. I love sitting here with Jordan. I could easily forget the outside world exists and shamelessly lock Jordan away forever. I’m sure if I voiced my thoughts, Jordan, along with Dr. Stein, would be frightened, but sitting here, I feel raw and unguarded. Even with my memory in a haze, I know this is the most real I’ve felt in a long time.

  “I’m surprised your friend Jake hasn’t been out here,” Jordan says, breaking the silence.

  “He’s gone. The team left last night for San Francisco. He won’t be back until Monday, and I’m sure he’ll be out here as soon as they’re back.”

  “Well, we better enjoy the peace and quiet while we can.” I think she’s joking but I’m not a hundred percent sure.

  “Do you not like Jake?” Jordan draws her feet up on the seat of her chair then wraps her arms around her legs as she shrugs.

  Everyone likes Jake. He’s funny, easy-going, and for the most part, he gets along with everybody. That fog in my head is thick again because I don’t remember Jake and Jordan disliking each other, but then again, other than the hospital, I can’t remember an exact time when I was with both of them at the same time. I hate feeling invalid and not being able to remember if your wife and your best friend like each other is definitely a sign of that.