Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  “I could feel you tightening around me, but I want to watch you. I want to see exactly what your face looks like when you come.” I smile as I reach between my legs and grab a hold of his dick, which is silky and wet from being inside of me just seconds ago, then I slowly sink down on him, causing both of us to groan from how amazingly well we fit. “Oh, fuck, that is ...You feel . . .”

  I start bouncing up and down on his shaft and the tightening feeling within my walls is already back. Another tingle travels throughout my body and then I explode, riding out my wave of pleasure. During all of this, Chase kept his eyes glued to my face, watching me, memorizing every second we’ve been joined together.

  I start to slow my movements as I come down from the second best orgasm of my life. Chase digs his fingers into my hips and begins to pump his cock deep inside of me. His face looks on the verge of pain as his mouth opens to that perfect O and then he finds his own release, spilling inside of me.

  As Chase’s movements slow, he never once takes his eyes off of me, then the most satisfied look I’ve ever seen takes over his beautiful face. “I love you.”

  My stomach flutters from his words. I’ve waited forever for someone to love me the way it seems only this man is capable of. “I ...I love you, too. I’ve loved you forever,” I whisper back as a beautiful smile takes over his relaxed face.

  “Let’s do that, let’s plan on forever,” he says, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.

  “Forever,” I repeat.

  “As long as we love each other, then none of the other shit matters. Everything else will work out. I’m positive. All you have to do is trust me, trust us, and we’ll be fine.”

  I’m glad he’s feeling this confident because one of us needs to be if we’re going to make it through the mountain of crap waiting for us when we return.

  CHASE

  Last night was proof of how much we belong to each other, but it also brought out another emotion. Because deep down somewhere, I know at some point along our journey through life we’ve been with other people and I hate it. I know I never want to be at a place in my life where that happens again. I want to bottle up whatever magic we’re making here on this island and I want to keep it with us forever.

  “Have you seen my phone?” Jordan asks as she digs through her bag.

  As a matter a fact, I have. Last night as she started to drift off to sleep, safely in my arms, I heard her phone buzzing away. I’m not kidding when I say the thing didn’t stop. After I was positive she was out for the night, I moved her off of me and went in search of the damn thing. When I found it, the fucker was locked and I didn’t know the code—even though I tried every combination I could think of—therefore I had no idea who was calling. On the one hand, I’m hoping it’s her work and not a man or someone back home who’s wondering where the hell my beautiful wife is at. On the other hand, I don’t want her to lose her job and hate me for being the reason she did. Either way, I powered the thing down and hid it in the bag I use for my bathroom shit, hoping she wouldn’t look there.

  “Yes, but I’ve decided this should be a phone free zone.”

  “A phone free zone?” she repeats while stilling her search to look over at me.

  “Yes.” She’s looking at me like she can’t decide if she wants to kiss me or slap me, but I’m hoping it’s the first.

  “And why is that?” she questions.

  Well, shit, if I tell her it’s because the damn thing wouldn’t shut up, she’ll want to check it even more and I can’t have that. “We need to rekindle what we’ve lost and how can we do that properly if the outside world is trying to break in?”

  She’s suspicious and rightfully so. “Is your phone off limits, too?” she fires back.

  “Of course, but that doesn’t really matter. You and Ma are the only two people in the world that know my cell number.”

  “How do I know your number?” she questions, narrowing her eyes.

  “Because I’m giving it to you when I give you your phone back.” Jordan is trying to fight a smile. She would love to appear pissed off but she’s not fooling me.

  “And just how long do I have to go without my phone?”

  I’m half-tempted to say forever. Let’s ditch the rest of the world and just be together without outside interference, but I know she needs to address the life she’s been living without me.

  I desperately want to resolve this mess we’re in and move forward. I want to remember our wedding and I want to do it all over again, making new incredible memories, memories I won’t spoil by acting like a jackass.

  “Well, this is only a suggestion, but how about we spend the next few days here in our own personal paradise then head back to Scottsdale and check in with Ma and my doctors. After that, we keep heading north until we hit another place you’ve always wanted to go.”

  She’s trying to think of where I’m referring to when I see the light bulb go off. “Vegas?”

  “Yes, Vegas. We can ask my mom to go and your parents if you want, and while we’re there we can renew our vows.”

  An uncertain look crosses her face, which in turn has her disconnecting from our conversation. I suspect this has everything to do with what she knows, what I have yet to remember, but I don’t care. However, the last thing I want is for her to pull away from me.

  “We don’t have to. It was just an idea.”

  Jordan gives me a half-smile but it lacks the confidence she had moments before.

  “I want that and I want that with you, but I think it’s important that you regain all of your memory before we make plans for the future.” I hate how reluctant she feels to move forward until I’m a hundred percent healed. I know I’m missing pieces of my life, and any normal person would probably be turning over every stone possible until they learned what’s going on in their life, but not me.

  I know at some point in my life I hurt Jordan. I know that at some point in our lives we weren’t together, and I know that when I hit my head and woke up in a cold, lonely hospital room, she was the only person I wanted and she came ...for me.

  Maybe I’m too eager to move forward when I don’t have all the pieces but maybe I don’t need them. Maybe all I need is the love of my fearless woman to make it through life, at least, that’s all I feel I need to survive.

  “Chase, the parts of your life that you’re missing ...they might mean more to you than you realize. What if you wake up one day with all of your memory back and I suddenly don’t fit in your life?”

  “Never. That could never happen,” I growl out, shaking my head no.

  “How can you be so sure?” she asks as her beautiful blue eyes water.

  “Because I regret it. Whatever I did ...I regret it because it made me lose time with you, and living life without you doesn’t seem possible, not anymore.”

  Her face is shining with approval. I don’t remember what I did, and again I shouldn’t ask forgiveness for something I don’t remember, but if it puts that look on her face, then it is worth it.

  “I just hope when you do remember you still feel the same way,” she whispers.

  “I promise. I will.” And that’s a promise I’m willing to do anything to keep.

  “Let’s get out of here. Go explore the island for a while. I saw a place where we could go snorkeling if you’d like to.” Jordan slowly exhales as she nods her head yes. Without another word, the tension from moments ago melts away.

  JORDAN

  “Why do you think people hurt the ones they love?” I look up at Chase’s face and I can tell he’s being serious.

  I shrug. “I don’t know. I think ...I think sometimes you don’t know how much you love someone until they’re only a memory. Then you’re stuck. Stuck wishing and thinking about a time where love was the only thing that mattered. Where memories of a better time are the only thing you have left of a person, and sometimes even that’s not enough to make it through the day.”

  I’m fighting off the urge to cry because what
I just said is how I lived my life for a long time. Memories of a time when I was happy, memories of a time I was with the person I thought loved me.

  “See that’s just it. I woke up without that; without memories and I still knew you were all that mattered.” A few tears spill past my eyes and land on Chase’s chest. We’re lying in bed while I’m draped across him.

  “Do you question if your mind is playing tricks on you? That you’ll wake up one day and realize that life has more to offer you? More than just me?”

  “NO. Never.” His answer was quick and firm, and it’s the proof I need that his mind isn’t completely healed because he did wake up one day and decide that life had more to offer him without me. And until his memory comes back, I can’t be positive it won’t happen again.

  “I know you don’t believe me. I can tell by how your muscles tightened when you heard my answer.” I don’t answer him and after a few minutes, his hand starts rubbing up and down my back. “Have you ever seen on the news when a person turns themselves in decades after committing a crime?”

  “Um, sure?” I say, distracted by the feel of his hands.

  “That’s because they can’t handle the guilt of what they did. Their crime is stuck in their brain and their conscience won’t allow them to forget.” His hand stops moving. “I can’t even remember what I did. I can’t remember how I hurt you and my conscience still wouldn’t let you go. Maybe in the beginning I needed you to forgive me, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s just you. I just need you.”

  I lift my gaze up to his where I see the emotion in his eyes. He truly believes every word he just said. I hope it’s possible to forgive someone when they don’t know what they did wrong because that’s exactly what I want to do.

  “Now, before we lay here and allow this mood to drag us down, let’s get up and get a move on it. I already have something planned for today.”

  Chase arranged for the two of us to go hiking through some of the most beautiful cliffs I’ve ever seen. We stopped and ate a lunch he had packed for us. As the day passed, we talked, we laughed, but we avoided any heavy subjects.

  “Are you ready to head back?” I ask.

  “Not quite,” he answers with a smirk as he laces our hands together. We walk about a quarter of a mile then stop at an opening to a bridge.

  “What’s going on?” I question as my eyes dart around, taking everything in. That’s when I see a sign and understanding comes over me. A panic like no other courses it’s way through my body.

  “NO. No way! I’m outta here,” I holler as I try to turn around. Before I even get a step from him, Chase wraps his arms around my waist and throws me over his shoulder. “Seriously, I can’t do this. I’ll watch you. Please? Please, please, put me down!” I beg as I pound my hands on his back. Instead of answering me, Chase continues to walk over to the people who are here to help us ...to help us fucking bungee jump.

  By the time my feet touch the ground again, my whole body is trembling at the idea of jumping over the side of that damn bridge.

  When we were kids, Chase loved a good adrenaline high. He often had to hide whatever crazy idea he had from his dad because God forbid he do something that would have kept him from playing football, but I always knew, and more times than not, I went with him. But while he was riding a dirt bike, or surfing, or even the time he went paragliding, I safely watched from the sidelines.

  Now that I’m creeping on thirty, I’m even more deterred by the idea of removing my feet from the ground. A rollercoaster? Okay, maybe, but jumping off the side of a fucking bridge? That’s a big no thank you!

  “Chase, seriously, is this even safe to do? You just got out of the damn hospital from a severe concussion. I’m sure if Dr. Wallace knew your plans to launch yourself off the side of this bridge he’d say no. Scratch that, he’d say no way in fucking hell!”

  I’m shouting while my hands continue to shake and my heart races. I’m having my own form of an adrenaline rush from the fear I feel when Chase smiles and asks me a question that has everything slowing down. “Do you trust me?” I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

  My gut reaction is to say yes, more than anyone I’ve ever known, but how can that be true? I trusted everything Chase told me ten years ago and the only thing I had to show afterwards was a broken heart. But the man before me today seems different. He makes me think he’d never let anything bad happen to me. And maybe it’s not real, but in this moment, it feels more real than anything I can remember.

  “Yes,” I whisper. Trust or no trust, my nerves are on fire.

  “I would rather die than hurt you,” he says with another smile.

  Crap ...he’s trying to convince me to jump, but my heart took his statement to mean so much more. After a long, deep breath, my heart drops to my stomach as I slowly hold out my hand for him to take.

  “We’re going to jump together,” he says, squeezing my hand.

  My chest tightens and I’m not sure if it’s from fear or from the idea that we’re doing this together. “We’re doing a couples jump. Come on, everything is all set for us to go. I didn’t want to give you too much time to think about it or I knew you wouldn’t go with me this morning.”

  Personally, I don’t think I have an unrealistic fear of heights, but Chase has always had an unrealistic ease with them. I’m starting to tremble again when a man walks over with shirts for us that say “A couple that jumps together, stays together” and I’m instantly laughing, but not for long.

  After we’re tied in about a hundred different ways, they walk us out over a strange looking bridge and all too fast the people who work this death trap have us rigged up to each other, then Chase is walking us out onto a ledge. A ledge that I know is going to drop, causing us to fall.

  “You still trust me?” I want to point out how I really need to trust the person who wired us to the bridge and the safety equipment they use, but I know what he means. He would never ask me to do this if he wasn’t a hundred percent positive that I would be okay.

  “Yesssssss.” I didn’t even finish saying the word then we’re falling. I’m almost certain that I’m screaming but everything happened so fast that I didn’t really have time to process it.

  Life has a funny way of changing. This time last week, I was in my office in New York, moody and pissed off at the world for unknown reasons. But today, I’m hanging off a bridge in Hawaii, wrapped up in the arms of the boy that broke my heart, and I feel the safest I’ve ever been.

  CHASE

  I figured it would take an act of God to get Jordan to jump with me, and if I had to push the issue any more than I did, I would have backed off in a heartbeat. A lot can go wrong in a jump. People die every year from jumps that unfortunately don’t result in the desired outcome, but as humans, we do things every single day that put ourselves at risk. Sometimes we consider ourselves lucky just to make it somewhere safely in our vehicles, but that doesn’t stop us from getting in our car and traveling.

  With this particular jump site, I did my homework and felt the reward outweighed the risk. And the reward was spectacular. My wife, who has always had an irrational fear of heights, overcame that fear today in my arms. I’m not about to fool myself into thinking she’s going to become a regular jumper, but I found it inspiring that she trusts me enough to override the fear she was feeling and follow my lead.

  Now we’re back in our room my appetite for this woman is beyond starving. “You were brilliant today, baby. Made my whole world that you jumped with me.”

  Jordan gives me one of her shy smiles that only fuels my desire. I walk up to her and seconds later my mouth finds hers. After all these years, the passion we share is still off the charts.

  My hands find the end of her shirt, lifting it up and over her head, only breaking our kiss for a second. I reach around and unclasp her bra, pulling it down her arms to reveal her rosy nipples. Next I strip her out of her shorts and panties, then give her a slight shove until she falls back onto th
e bed.

  I set a new record for how fast I can get out of my own clothing then I crawl up the bed between her legs where my mouth stops for a taste of heaven. I start licking and sucking on her clit like an addict until her hips take over and she starts pumping her sex into my face.

  “Oh God ...Chase.” I continue sucking her deep into my mouth and minutes later Jordan is growling out her release on my tongue.

  I lick my lips and moan as I make my way up to her beautiful face. Jordan’s eyes are heavy from lust and exhaustion, but I know she’s wet and ready for me. I give my cock a few long strokes then I place it at her entrance before slowly pushing inside.

  “Oh, yes. You feel so damn perfect.” I turn my face back to hers and look directly in her eyes. “Incredible. You always feel incredible.” I thrust my hips a few more times, never taking my eyes off of her. “You were made for me.” I groan. The affection and love that shines from every part of her makes me feel whole, and this right now, what we’re sharing, is the most beautiful part of us. Our connection is more than sex; it’s our love, our passion, and our future. Something we’ll only share with each other.

  My hips take over and I start slamming in and out of her tightness until I feel her clenching around me and moaning in pleasure. Her moans push me to the edge, and I know if I wanted to I could let go and find my release, but I need her to fall with me.

  “Baby, I need you to come.” I suck one of her delicious tits into my mouth. I keep sucking until I feel her starting to contract on my cock. My thumb finds her clit and I gently rub. Seconds later, I feel her milking me so tight I fall over the edge with her.