Living With Regret
Page 13
“That’s okay. I’m over it. I’ve moved on,” she casually says as she bites her lip and sighs. “Happy birthday, by the way,” she softly adds.
Her words send a twist of emotions through me. For starters, it’s not okay, and there’s no way I’m okay with her moving on, at least not without hearing me out. But she remembered yesterday was my birthday. After ten years, she not only remembers the day but she knew it was yesterday, which means she’s been thinking about me.
“Thank you. Could we please talk? Maybe go get a coffee or something?”
She seems suspicious and the idea that she’s hesitant to even have a cup of coffee with me absolutely kills me. Barely two months ago, we were making love multiple times a day and now she’s completely distrusting where I’m concerned, but I have no one to blame but myself.
“Actually, I was heading out to get a cup of coffee. You can tag along if you want.” Before she even finishes her sentence, I’m nodding my head.
As we’re walking out the door, the doorman looks at the two of us with a confused expression. He apparently didn’t think after Jordan left me down here for hours that I would get a shot at talking to her. I give him a shit-eating grin as I follow her out the door like a dog on a leash.
After we walk a few blocks, we arrive at a hole in the wall coffee shop where every worker seems to know Jordan on a first name basis. “This is arguably the best coffee you’ll ever have and the owners are wonderful people.”
I’ve always found Jordan’s take on life fascinating. No matter where she’s at or who she talks to, she always does it with such gratitude, a way I haven’t seen a person act in front of me in years.
Jordan walks to a small table in the back of the café where she sits down, looking at me but not saying a word. I’m desperate for this woman. I’m desperate to officially have a place in her world. Right now, that has me beyond worried that I’m going to mess up and say the wrong thing; that I’ll ruin my chance before I even have one.
“After waiting for hours, I expected you to have a lot to say,” she tells me with a firm voice. I take a deep breath and nod my head.
“Yeah, I came to apologize. I don’t think it’s possible for you to understand what was going through my head at the time because I didn’t even completely understand myself until a few weeks ago.”
She slowly nods her head like she agrees with me, but all too soon I realize I don’t want her to.
“I should apologize, too. I never should have come into your life the way I did, and I definitely shouldn’t have gone anywhere with you while your memory was unclear. I mean, for crying out loud, you had a girlfriend and I caused you to—”
“No, I didn’t. You didn’t cause anything.” My heart skyrockets from the comment she was about to make. “Carrie is just a girl I used to mess around with. She was trying to convince me and everyone else that we had something more than we actually did.” My heart continues to rapidly beat in my chest while I wait to see if she believes me.
“Oh,” she finally says. Just ‘Oh’ is all I get from her. I guess she probably wants to talk about Carrie as much as I want to hear about the douchebag that came to her apartment earlier.
“I’ve done things in my past that I’m not exactly proud of and you deserve to be with a man who’s worlds better than me. But then ...then Ma told me that true love conquers all and that we were meant to be. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have woken up thinking I was married to you and you wouldn’t have dropped everything to come help me.
“Jordan, I’m here to apologize and I’m hoping one day—hopefully soon—you’ll want me back in your life.” She chews on her lip while she watches me carefully.
“Would you still want to be a part of my life if you’re only a friend? Because I’m not sure I can offer you anything more than that.”
A friend? A fucking friend ...I can feel my chest tightening at just the thought of being only a friend to her. Hearing about her with other men, possibly having to see her with another guy. No ...absofuckinglutely no, but, for now, I’ll promise her anything if it means I can open the door to our future.
“I’m willing to take anything you have to offer.”
JORDAN
I’m willing to take anything you have to offer. Can I really handle being friends with Chase? After everything we’ve shared together? I’m not sure, and to be honest, I only offered because I wasn’t expecting him to say yes. Now I don’t know how to reply.
“When is your flight home?” I ask with a fake smile.
Chase’s eyes are penetrating me like he’s picturing me naked, and while the idea of getting naked with him sounds amazing, I know nothing good can come from it.
“Hello, Chase?” I wave my hand in front of his face.
“Oh, yeah, sorry. I don’t have any plans to return to Arizona right now.”
I was taking a sip of my coffee when he answered, causing me to choke. “Whoa ...Ugh, excuse me. What did you say?” I question with wide eyes.
Chase takes a deep breath and locks his eyes with mine. “Jordan, while most guys will tell you love at first sight doesn’t exist, I know differently. Maybe I didn’t love you the second I saw you but I knew something was different from the moment my eyes collided with yours. During the last ten years, no one has ever come close to making me feel the way you do.
“I fucked up the day I let you walk out of my life, and I continued to fuck up every day afterwards by not doing everything in my power to make you mine again, but not anymore. I want you ...and I want you forever.”
My eyes instantly water up as I watch his chest rise and fall with every breath he takes, waiting for me to say something. “But you just said we could be friends,” I whisper.
“I lied. I can’t be just friends with you, but I promise that will be the last time I ever lie to you. Please, at least give me the chance to explain ...explain why it’s you, only you that owns my heart.”
A tear escapes and I’m pissed. I never freaking cry this much but around Chase it’s all I seem to do. “Why? Why do you think you deserve another chance?” Where Chase is concerned, I’m petrified to even consider opening another door for him. I’m not even sure I have it in me to try.
“I don’t deserve another chance, but I promise if you give me one, I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you don’t regret it.” His voice is strong and his eyes are pleading with me to believe him.
I’m compelled to get up and run back to my apartment but I get the impression that Chase would follow me and wait however long it takes to see me again.
“I don’t know, Chase. I’m not the same girl you once knew. I tried to be as palatable as possible when I thought I was helping you but that’s not who I am anymore. I’m moody, disagreeable, and even obnoxious at times. I’m not going to sacrifice who I am to please you or anyone else in my life.”
“Good.” His reply was quick and unwavering. Sitting here staring at his gorgeous face isn’t helping my desire to stay away from him.
“I need to get back, but if you’re going to be here for a while then I’ll see you around.”
“Do you still have my cell phone number?” he asks as he reaches out for my hand.
“Um. No. My cell phone didn’t make it back to New York.”
A knowing smile crosses Chase’s face after my remark. “Here, give me your phone and I’ll program myself in.” Without even thinking, I hand my phone over and the second he punches in his number he hits call.
“Now I have your new number. Your secretary isn’t too keen on allowing anyone to talk to you. Apparently, all of your friends have your cell number, which, thankfully, I now have as well.”
What a sneaky bastard. I can’t believe I fell for that. I’m going to blame the fact that I’m still hungover for my stupidity.
I grab my phone out of his hand and give him what I hope is a nasty look as I get up and head out of the coffee shop, but the second I make it out the door, Chase is already walking next to me.
“Yeah, well, it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve broken a promise to me.” I regret my words the second they slip out of my mouth, especially when I see the pain that crosses his face. “See, moody ...and I guess I forgot to mention bitchy.”
He exhales slowly. “No, it’s okay. I deserved that. I did break my promise to you and I almost allowed that to ruin my life.”
The way Chase talks about ruining his life makes me wonder about something. “Chase, does Dr. Stein know you’re here in New York?”
“Yes. Dr. Stein actually encouraged me to come here and make my play for you. After a good push from Ma, I decided to tell him everything that I could remember. He helped me sort shit out in my head. He helped me realize that I might not feel I deserve you but you’re worth fighting for. And if I have to spend the rest of my life alone then I want to know I did everything in my power to win you back first.”
I’m standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk with my mouth hanging open. I know it’s ridiculous to consider even for a moment that I should give Chase another chance but when he says crap like that, my heart and brain seem to be on different planets.
Without another word, I turn and quickly march back to my building. “I have some work I need to get done,” I say over my shoulder as I start to walk through the main entrance of my building.
Chase gives me a mischievous smile before he adds, “Okay, I’ll call you soon.”
Ugh, this man already acts shameless in his attempt to win me back but he has another thing coming if he thinks I’m about to roll over and forgive him for breaking my heart, especially when I’m not convinced he won’t do it again.
JORDAN
“That’s it. I’m canceling my trip to Connecticut,” Lacey says with her hands on her hips as she shakes her head back and forth.
Lacey called me a couple of hours after I saw Chase, and while I was in the middle of reviewing a new product line for Natural Cosmetics, something I’ve neglected the past two months. Therefore, I ignored her first call, which didn’t go over well.
Caleb called her and told her about the text I sent him and how I refused to see him. Then he made sure to add how there was another guy waiting for me in the lobby of my apartment. Add all of that together and she was at my apartment an hour later.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Lace. Your parents are expecting you home for Thanksgiving and you’re not about to use me as an excuse not to go,” I firmly say, because I know even though she’s worried about me she’s also eager to have a reason not to go.
“Fine, you’re coming with me, then.”
I’m not able to stop rolling my eyes at her. “Lace, I’m not staying here. I’ll be in Asbury Park with my parents.”
When it was clear that I wasn’t leaving New York, my parents wanted to move close enough that they could see me regularly but they had no desire to move into the city. They chose a fairly small town on the New Jersey shore and that’s where I’ll be spending Thanksgiving.
“There is no way I can go home and relax with that jackass trying to weasel his way back into your life.”
I burst out laughing. “You weren’t going to relax when you went home so stop looking for reasons to ditch your family on Thanksgiving.”
“Well, where is the asshole going to be while you’re with your parents?” she huffs out while tapping her foot on the floor, waiting for an answer.
“I don’t know, Lace, because until a few hours ago, I had no idea I would ever see him again. For all I know, he’s going back to Arizona to spend Thanksgiving with his mom.”
“If he’s smart he will,” she growls out.
God, I love Lacey but if I want to for even one second consider something with Chase, she’s going to have to back off, and I’m not sure that’s possible.
“What about Caleb?” she asks.
Ugh ...really? “I know you aren’t going to believe me, but I felt like something was missing. I wanted to like him and I was trying my hardest to give it a real effort, but the second you told me he went out with someone else I was a mix of relieved and pissed. Pissed enough that I don’t have the desire to fake it anymore with him. I don’t think it’s too much to ask when you’re dating a guy, no matter how casually, that he not go out with you one night then another woman the next. Personally, that tells me he wasn’t feeling a spark with me either and we should throw in the towel before we waste anymore of each other’s time.”
“You are one picky bitch!” she snaps back with her eyes narrowed.
“I’m not picky. I just know what I want out of a relationship and being anyone’s second choice isn’t it.”
Lacey rolls her eyes at my comment, which also proves why I shouldn’t be dating a guy she considers a friend in the first place.
“Did you even hear him out? He agreed to go out with this woman before the two of you even went out on a date!” She bites her lip, a clear sign that she’s trying her best not to yell at me.
“Exactly! If I was someone he wanted a relationship with, he would have canceled with this other woman. Instead, he kept his options open!” I holler.
She’s really starting to annoy me and I’m doing nothing to hide my frustration. Lacey curses under her breath before her eyes come back to mine and she turns serious.
“Whatever you do, promise me that you aren’t going to run back to him. I remember what you were like when he crushed you ten years ago, and I remember what happened two months ago when he let you walk out his door with Whore Barbie attached to his arm.” This is why I love this girl. She might be the most aggravating person I know but her love for me is truly unconditional.
“I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that Chase appears to be my kryptonite and he claims he’s here to stay.” Lacey looks disappointed by my answer but it’s the truth and there’s no sense in hiding it.
“I hope for your sake that he’s changed but even if he hasn’t, I know you’re strong enough that you’ll be able to recover when he does the only thing he’s known for, which is breaking your heart.”
Her voice was gentle but her words were firm. No matter what has happened in the past, Lacey is convinced that Chase will always end up hurting me. Now I need to decide if she’s right because if she is, I don’t share the same confidence in my ability to recover a third time.
“When will you get to town?” My mother is always excited when she knows I’m taking off work and visiting for a few days. With Thanksgiving two days away, her excitement level is off the charts. “The company is closed tomorrow but I’m coming into the office to get a few things done then I’ll get on the road.”
“Um ...okay, sweetheart, just make sure you send me a text as you’re leaving the office so I’ll know when to expect you.”
“I will, Mom. Tell Dad I said hi and I’ll see you both tomorrow.”
“Love you.” With that, we both hang up. I’ve gone two days without seeing Chase, but he’s called and text me a few times and Don, the daytime doorman at my apartment, said he stopped by yesterday afternoon, but he was gone by the time I got home, but Chase never said anything to me about it.
Where Chase is concerned, I feel like I’m dealing with two separate people. The guy who makes my heart beat faster than anyone I’ve ever met, and the guy who’s able to break my heart at a moment’s notice. And while I’ve only seen the second guy two times in my life, he’s the one that’s had a lasting impression.
When I arrived at my apartment building later that evening, I find Chase sitting in a chair in the lobby, messing around on his phone. When he looks up and spots me, he instantly hops up with a charming smile on his face.
“Hey. I wasn’t sure when you’d be home so I thought I would wait around for a bit hoping to see you.”
He made it sound like he might have plans. “Did you have somewhere else to be?�
� I question in a voice weaker than I intended.
“Yes, in the morning, but I need to get a good night’s rest.”
His announcement catches me off guard and I want to ask more but I stop myself. “How long have you been waiting?”
His eyes go soft as he answers, “Not that long but for you I’d be willing to wait forever.” I start shaking my head in annoyance because he knows exactly what he’s doing when he says crap like that.
“Chase, seriously?” Even with my harsh tone, his beautiful smile never wavers.
“Are you going to invite me up to see your place?”
My whole body freezes at his request as an irrational fear of what could happen if I allow Chase into my home takes over. I’m not ready for us to do or be anything other than two people who occasionally talk and exchange texts.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I weakly say.
He looks confused by my comment, like he has no idea how easily my body could betray me if I was alone with him again. “Okay. I won’t push. What are your plans for Thanksgiving?”
I clear my throat. “I’m visiting my parents, how about you?”
He shrugs. “I don’t have any. Where did you say your parents live now?”
I stop myself from laughing. He’s fishing for information. His comment still strikes me as odd because I can’t believe his mother doesn’t have a huge holiday planned with his extended family since he doesn’t have to plan it around his NFL schedule.
“Your mom doesn’t have plans?”
He’s already shaking his head no as he starts to answer, “Nope. Her plans consist of filing for divorce, which leaves me on my own.” My eyes go wide from shock. Donna Adams wants a divorce?
“What?” I breathe out.
“Yeah, I guess my dad has finally pushed her too far. I was just as shocked as you but then when I stopped and thought about it, I don’t think my parents have ever really been happy. They stayed together because it was easier than being apart, but after how my dad’s been acting, she’s finally had enough.” He watches me closely for a second. “I have, too,” he adds.