Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  This leaves me wondering if I should ask Chase. Asking him seems like the practical thing to do, but what if it ruins the friendship we’re building? I’ve seen Chase looking at me—in ways that aren’t always friendly—but he’s never acted in a way that’s anything but friendly.

  I continue to stew over my own thoughts as I hear the nightly knock on my door. However, tonight when I open it, Chase looks like he’s ready to head out on the town, and I quickly find out that’s because he is.

  “Hey.” I close my mouth so he won’t see me drooling over how tempting he looks. Chase has on black pants paired with a dark blue shirt, no tie, and has the collar unbuttoned, looking professional but relaxed at the same time.

  His dark wavy hair is brushed back in a way that’s totally Chase. He hasn’t shaved in almost two weeks and the beard that he’s growing only adds to his impeccable look. Everything in my body goes haywire when he licks his lips.

  “Hey, yourself. I have to go out tonight with a group of people I’ll be working with. We’re going over my retirement announcement and exactly what and when things will be released, but I wanted to stop by and tell you personally that I wouldn’t be home.”

  After the way he’s been acting, I was under the impression he was going to do everything in his power to win me back, but right now I’m not sure what to think. If he were only casually meeting his new work friends—on a Friday night, no less—I’d expect him to ask me to go with him. Unless he’s meeting a woman and this is more of a date than a business dinner. Oh God ...my stomach turns and I become light headed at the thought.

  No matter what his real plans are, he’s heading out into the city looking like sex on a stick on a Friday night. I, of course, didn’t make plans because I was banking on him coming over and the two of us talking all evening.

  “Oh, okay. Well, have fun,” I mumble as I start to close my door, but Chase puts his hand up, stopping me from closing it.

  “Is everything okay?” His eyes narrow as he watches me closely.

  I’m being emotional for no real reason. I asked for slow and that’s exactly what he’s delivered. I can’t punish him for doing what I asked.

  “Yep. Everything is fine. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?” I add in a tone I hope sounds chipper.

  “Maybe?” he questions, sounding confused. I know he can tell something is bothering me, but luckily for me my cell starts ringing loud enough that Chase is able to hear it from the hallway.

  “I better get that. See you later.” This time I put on a huge smile, and thanks to either my smile or the fact that he needs to leave, he drops his hand and steps back.

  “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” After another baffled look, he turns and walks towards the elevator. I grab my phone and see that it’s Lace, someone I’ve really neglected lately.

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “I’m at Zen, hurry your ass up and get down here! Fucking hot guys everywhere!” Before Chase knocked on my door, Zen was the last place I wanted to go, but knowing he’s out on the town, I don’t want to sit at home like some loser, especially on a Friday night.

  “Give me an hour.”

  Club Zen is packed like normal. When I arrived, I couldn’t find Lacey anywhere but when I finally spot her I stop dead in my tracks. That’s because Caleb is sitting at her table. He isn’t the only person in the group she’s with, but still a little heads up would have been nice.

  “Jordan!” Everyone standing within ten feet of her turns and looks at me. “Holy shit! You out did yourself, bitch.” My entire body goes tense at her extremely loud comment.

  When I was picking out something to wear, all I could picture in my head was Chase and some model like Carrie having drinks then going back to her place, which had me choosing a very sexy, very low cut black dress. Paired, of course, with five-inch heels that make my legs look amazing. And if the way Caleb is staring at me is any indication, then I must look good.

  “Thanks, and not that you care, but you’re not talking you’re screaming,” I tell her.

  Lacey completely ignores my remark. “Our firm won a huge case today. I didn’t work on it, but Caleb did and he invited me to tag along. Since arriving here, I’ve enjoyed several adult drinks.” The music changes and Lacey lets out a scream before taking off towards the dance floor.

  “She’s right, you know. You look fantastic.” I take a deep breath and turn towards Caleb, who is standing behind me, talking softly into my ear.

  “Thank you and congratulations on the win,” I add with a smile.

  “Thanks. I can’t take too much credit. I was the fourth chair, which was more of a glorified errand boy.” This must have been the case he was working on when he was too busy to go out with me but not too busy to go out with that other woman. Geez, apparently I’m still a little bitter because thinking about that still pisses me off. “Can I buy you a drink?”

  I tilt my head towards the drink in my hand, the one I purchased while I was looking for Lacey. “Thanks, but I’m good.”

  “I’m glad you came tonight. I’ve wanted to explain about that other woman—”

  I interrupt before he has the opportunity to piss me off. “I know the rules. We weren’t exclusive. Hell, we hadn’t even had sex yet so I have no right to be upset with you, but you told me you were going to be tied up with the case you were working on all weekend when in fact you went out with another woman.”

  Caleb looks disappointed but he also sounds like he’s coming to terms with the fact that I’m not backing down. “You’re right. I owed a buddy from law school a favor and he set me up with his cousin that had just moved into town. I went, acted nice, and then called it an evening. I chose not to share that with you because to me it wasn’t a big deal. But I should have told you and that’s on me.”

  My stomach twists. “Maybe it was a sign. Did you at least like this woman you went out with?” I smile again, hoping I can turn this around and at least be friends. After all, we share a friend that seems to be important to both of us.

  “No, not at all. She moved here from Philly with five cats. Five. I called my friend Jason up and told him I hated him and if the day ever comes that I need something, he’s going to owe me big. That was before I found out you were scraping me off because of it.”

  “Um . . .” I mumble my words because I feel like shit, but at the same time, I wasn’t feeling a connection towards him in the first place. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it at the time, but things for me would have turned awkward, anyway. My ex just moved into the city and is renting the apartment directly next to mine.”

  His eyes narrow. “The guy that was waiting on you?” I bite my lip and nod my head yes. “Is he hoping to rekindle something with you?”

  I take a sip of my drink before replying to give myself a second to decide how to answer. “I don’t know. I thought he was but then ...I’m not sure.” I shrug.

  Caleb looks me directly in the eyes as he adds, “He’s a fucking tool if he doesn’t and he didn’t strike me as one. And let me add that if he moved in next to you, knowing where you lived, then he wants more. I can barely stand living in the same city, even one as big as New York, with a few of my exes. I would never in a million years rent a place next to any of them if I wasn’t trying my hardest to win her back.”

  I smile at his comment. “I thought that, too, but he’s being friendly, just friendly,” I add.

  Caleb sighs. “Friendly is the way any guy wants to start. Especially if he’s afraid he might scare the woman off. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that he’s probably the one who fucked up the first time to make him your ex. If so, he’s more than likely trying to ensure his place in your world before he officially claims you.”

  I swear my heart speeds up at his words. If tonight has proven anything to me, it’s that I want more from Chase. Baby steps might still be required but I know I want to be more than just his friend.

  “Thanks, Caleb. I’m sorry things didn’t work ou
t between us but I don’t think they were meant to in the first place. And since we’re both friends with Lacey, this is probably for the best.”

  We turn at the same time to see Lacey practically having sex with a man on the dance floor. “Yeah, we might need to team up when she goes out on the town. She’s more than one person can handle these days.”

  Shit, that’s no joke. I thought when Lacey graduated and landed a job she would start settling in more as an adult but the opposite seems to be happening—at least the last few months have felt that way. Maybe it’s time I force her to sit down and talk to me about what’s really going on.

  “I think you’re right. I’m glad I saw you tonight.”

  Caleb slowly nods his head. “Yeah, me too.”

  CHASE

  Last night I had dinner with four executives that I’ll be working with once my title is official. Everyone was nice and easy to get along with, but the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about Jordan and how different she acted once I told her I had plans.

  I’ve been struggling to keep things simple and friendly between us, but I’ve been trying to make her realize I’m not the same punk ass kid that broke her heart.

  I wasn’t sure what last night was going to entail and I didn’t think bringing a friend would be deemed acceptable. A girlfriend maybe, but I couldn’t take Jordan and then introduce her as my friend.

  Dinner lasted about two hours and I was home less than three hours from the time I left, which was around ten o’clock. I decided it wasn’t too late so I stopped at Jordan’s door and knocked. She didn’t answer. It was possible she went to bed but I wasn’t sure, so I called her and I got her voicemail.

  I knocked again on Jordan’s door today around eight in the morning. I figured if she went to bed early the night before then it wasn’t rude to ring her that early in the morning, but again she didn’t answer her door. Now her phone isn’t even ringing. It’s going straight to her voicemail.

  Every time I hear the elevator door open, I run to the peephole to see if it’s her, and this time it finally pays off. Only when I open my door, I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  I find Jordan unlocking her door and she’s wearing a skimpy, tight black dress that does very little to cover her body paired with some wild bed head. The kicker is, it’s ten in the morning and she’s just now returning from whatever or whoever she did last night. Fuck. Why did I think it was a good idea to move in next to her? Oh, that’s right. It was because I was positive I could win her back.

  “Hey. How did last night go?” she asks before she nervously starts chewing on her lip.

  My eyes take her in from top to bottom, but I can’t form words to reply to her. “I went out last night,” she adds while fidgeting with her dress and trying to tame her wild hair. “Did your dinner go as planned?”

  I nod my head yes. When it becomes clear that I’m not going to talk to her about the particulars of my evening, she finishes turning her key and opens the door. “Okay—”

  Before she can finish her statement, I’ve backed her into her apartment and kicked the door shut with my foot. “Who did you get dressed up for?” I ask in a firm, almost angry tone.

  She gives me a bewildered look before looking down at her dress. “No one,” she quietly says.

  I wet my lips and take a deep breath in an attempt to keep my cool. “Lacey called me after you left for your dinner. I met her and ended up back at her place.”

  Fuck, I hope that’s the truth. I know I don’t have any reason to believe she would lie to me, but right now seeing her in that dress, knowing guys were probably imagining what she looked like naked, has my blood boiling.

  “So, this is how you normally dress when you go out with your friends?” I ask, gritting my teeth, trying my hardest to keep the growl out of my voice.

  “What is it to you, Chase? I went out, had fun, and crashed at Lacey’s. It was either that or take a cab by myself at three in the morning.”

  I painfully close my eyes at the thought of her dressed like this and wandering the city at that time of night, or any time of night for that matter.

  “I would have come and got you. If you ...I will . . .” I’m stumbling around with what I should say. I want to scream and yell and demand she never walk out her door dressed like a fucking sex goddess without me again but I don’t want her to send me packing, which is exactly what I fear will happen if I do.

  “I tried calling you. Did you turn your phone off?” I ask.

  “Oh.” Jordan flips open her tiny purse and grabs her phone then walks over to a charger to plug it in. “My phone died. Since I wasn’t expecting to go out last night, I hadn’t charged it since before I went to work. I was going to charge it at Lacey’s but I forgot all about it.”

  Phoenix and New York are nothing alike, but even I know it’s dangerous to be out in this city without a phone, add that to how she’s dressed and I’m wondering how Jordan has survived here this long without being seriously harmed.

  “Last night, it went okay?” she asks again, trying to change the subject.

  I crack my neck and start rubbing my temples. “Yeah. Last night was fine.” I did nothing to keep the irritation out of my voice.

  “Well, seeing how you’re being surly, I think I’m going to take a bath. I’ll talk to you later, Chase.” Jordan turns, ready to walk away from me.

  “I’m sorry, it’s just ...I’m having a hard time here,” I painfully admit.

  Her annoyed expression hasn’t wavered. “What exactly are you having a hard time with?”

  I try my best to keep my voice neutral when I say, “I wanted to ask you to go with me last night but it was a business dinner. That’s not something you take a friend to, and I wasn’t sure if I asked you to go and someone asked if you were my girlfriend how you’d handle that, so I thought I could go do what I had to and then make it back home in time to see you again.

  “Instead, I come home three hours later only to find you were gone. Then you don’t come home until today, wearing a dress that probably gave a hard on to every man you walked past.” Her eyes go wide with shock as I take a deep, calming breath.

  “In my head, you’re mine and other men shouldn’t get to look at you the way I do. So, forgive me but ...I’m having a hard time dealing with this.” I wave my hand between us.

  Jordan’s face relaxes and she slowly walks over towards me. “Last night when you told me you were going to dinner, all I could think about was how you were probably out with a Carrie and then afterwards you’d go back to her place. When Lacey asked me to join her, I put on a dress I bought but never had the guts to wear then headed out to meet her.” I’m both pleased and confused by her comment.

  “I’m very fucking thankful that you don’t make a habit of dressing like this when you go out drinking with your friends. But what in the hell do you mean I was out with a Carrie?”

  She shrugs. “Carrie, you know, the girl that called herself your girlfriend.”

  Carrie is a part of my memory that has never completely cleared. Dr. Stein said it’s possible she played such a small role in my life that my brain might never remember her.

  Stein said it’s the same principle when you meet someone casually then later on not remember where or how you know them, which follows in line with what Jake has told me: Carrie was nothing more than a woman I occasionally had sex with, and she was definitely not my girlfriend.

  However, Carrie walked into my house and attached herself to me during a time I wasn’t mentally functioning properly. That’s all Jordan remembers. What I need her to understand is Carrie, or any other woman, doesn’t hold a candle to her.

  “Jordan, I’m trying to ensure that I don’t push you too fast too soon, but that doesn’t mean I want anyone else. You are it for me. Fuck, I woke up imagining you were my damn wife when in reality you’re a woman I hadn’t even seen in ten years. Even my subconscious wants to be with you. Not Carrie or any other woman that might try to throw them
selves at me.” I exhale loudly, “I haven’t been with a woman since we were together in Honolulu, and I don’t want to be with anyone except you.”

  Jordan’s hands reach the bottom of her dress and she slowly pulls it up and over her head, leaving her standing in only a pair of black sheer panties. She tosses her dress somewhere but my eyes are locked on her fantastic tits that are out on display.

  Arguing with Jordan wasn’t making me horny but the second her dress disappeared my dick became painfully hard. My mouth starts to water as I close the distance between us. “Jesus, baby. This right here is why I would never want another woman,” I say with a groan as my eyes haze over with desire.

  Jordan reaches up to my neck and pulls my head down to hers. Our mouths start moving together in a kiss so hot I’m hoping it’s a sign of what’s to come.

  When Jordan pulls back, the lust and desire I see in her eyes has me wrapping my hands around her waist and lifting her up. She wraps her legs around my waist and I walk us in the direction of her bedroom.

  I toss her on the bed then start to unbuckle my pants. “Baby, are you sure you’re okay with what I’m about to do to your magnificent little body?” I ask, hoping like hell she doesn’t shoot me down.

  “I guess that depends on what you plan to do to me.” Her smile tells me everything I need to know. She wants me, she wants this.

  “I’m going to make you come as many times as possible.”

  Her eyes shine after hearing my promise. “Well, then by all means, do whatever you want to me,” she says with a laugh in her voice.

  I crawl up the bed then start kissing her lips. I explore her hot mouth before I pull away to work my way down her exquisite body. I kiss her neck, then her collarbone, and then I find myself sucking one of her rosy nipples into my mouth.