Shatter Me (The Jaded Series, #1)

by Alex Grayson

  “She asked about the job opening. Said Anna sent her over here.”

  He finally looks to me and I’m struck dumb. He had the most stunning eyes. One eye is a violet color. But it’s the other eye that stands out the most. It has two different colors. Both sides are violet, but one side has more of a cornflower blue tint to it. I have never seen anything like it. I know that it would be so easy to get lost in them.

  He stands there, staring at me and I become fidgety. The intensity in his eyes is making me nervous, but I can’t tear mine away. I reach up to make sure my hair was still covering my scar and find that it is. After what seems like an endless amount of time he says simply, “Not interested,” and turns to walk away.

  My mouth drops open while I watch his retreating back. I’m floored. I cannot believe he judged me without even asking a single question. What kind of man does that? Oh, no, that is so not working for me. I am so sick and tired of men treating me like shit. Enough was enough! I take a deep breath, stand up, and lean over the bar and yell, “Wait!”

  He stops and slowly turns back around to face me, hands on his hips. Again, I am arrested by his eyes.

  “What?” He asks

  “Why?” Is my reply.

  “Why what?”

  “Why did you say ‘not interested’ when you don't even know me? You asked me not one question regarding the job. How can you know I'm not qualified when you didn't even let me tell you my experience?”

  He slowly makes his way back towards me. “Okay, then speak. Tell me....”

  “Bailey,” I supply my name.

  “Tell me Bailey, why should I hire you?”

  Well, crap! Now that I have him in front of me and willing to listen I have no idea what to say. This man intimidates me with his tattoos, piercings, badass attitude, and hot as sin good looks. I have never been the type to speak my mind before. As a child, I was meek and fearful of both my parents, so I kept my mouth shut as much as possible. As an adult, I became even quieter. Once I married Steven and he showed his true colors I learned real quick to watch what I say. It’s ingrained in me to not voice my opinion and stand up for myself.

  My new found bravery of just a few minutes ago has gone AWOL. Vanished into thin air! Gone! I just stare at Jaxon, totally speechless. He stares back at me with his eyebrows raised waiting for my response. Damn, I’m really screwing this up. Come on Bailey, you can do this!

  “Okay, look Bailey, I don’t have all night. As you can see we’re bu...

  I interrupt him by blurting, “I was a bartender for four years while I was in college. It was what helped pay for my schooling. The place I worked at was a high-end restaurant that catered to the rich. There was a bar at the restaurant so I know a little about that kind of work. However, I do realize that it is much different than your place, but I’m willing to learn. If you just give me a chance, I promise to do the best that I can.” I take a deep breath and add in a small voice, “Please, I really need this job.”

  Once more, he just stares at me with his irresistible eyes. There’s no way I can take my eyes off his. He’s really starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Finally, after what seems like ten minutes but can only have been a minute or two, he asks, “Why do you need this job?”

  “I’ve been on the road for a while and running low on cash. I came across this town and it looked like a nice place to settle. As it is to be my new home, I need to find a way to make money.”

  “Why were you on the road? You don’t have a place to get back to?”

  “My reasons are my own. Just know that I’ll be here for a while and I’m a very hard worker.” There is no way I’m telling him the reason why I’m traveling. More often than not people look at you with pity once they find out you are a poor pathetic person that allowed a man to beat on and abuse you for years. Although I may not be staying here in this town for too long, I still don’t want people looking at me with pity. I perfected the art of hiding my feelings throughout the years. I have no plans of changing now.

  “How old are you?” He asks.

  “Twenty-Four.” I tell him.

  “Have you ever worked around rowdy drunks before?”

  “No.”

  “It gets pretty crazy around here at times. Some of these men can be dicks and like to play with the women. I try to keep things calm, but there are times when I’m not around. Think you can handle that?”

  His words make me nervous. I start to shake and the top of my head starts to tingle. I’m used to having men touch me, thanks to Steven’s extracurricular activities. However, those times were forced on me. I had no choice in the matter. Here though, I would have a choice. Could I be brave enough and tell them to keep their hands to themselves? The scared and battered woman inside me says no. The strong and courageous side of me that is trying to break through says yes. Do I really have a choice? If I turn down this job, I will be left broke, in more ways than one.

  I inhale a deep breath, straighten my spine and look him square in the eyes and say, “Yes.”

  He regards me like he doesn’t know what to make of me. Like he’s not sure if he should believe me.

  “Alright, Bailey, how about this? I’ll give you one week to prove that you have what it takes to work here. Your first day I’ll have Mia show you around a bit so you can get a feel for the place. I’m in desperate need of help so on your second day I’ll have you working the bar more on your own.”

  Relief floods through me and I nod my head, which causes his attention to shift from my eyes to my hair, right where it falls on my face over my scar. I immediately glance down in hopes that he didn’t see it.

  “Be here tomorrow at three to fill out paperwork. Mia will be here and she’ll show you around and let you know what you’ll be doing. Because you’ll be working around food and drinks, you’ll need to pull your hair back.”

  My lungs seize with his last words. Oh God, I haven’t thought about that. I hate exposing my face for others to see. There could be questions that I can’t answer. There could be speculations that I’ll have no choice but to put to rest. All I want is to lay low and mind my own business. It’s bound to spread around that there’s a new woman in town with a jagged scar on her face. The more people that notice me, the bigger the chance of Steven finding me.

  Jaxon interrupts my thoughts by asking, “Is that a problem?”

  I look up and see him watching me carefully waiting to see my reaction to his question. Me, being the queen of hiding my feelings, making sure my emotions are not plastered on my face and reply with a simple, “No.”

  “Good.” With a nod in my direction, he takes off down the bar to help his customers.

  As I watch him walk away, I let my shoulders drop. What have you gotten yourself into Bailey? Can I really do this? Can I open myself up enough to let people see my scar? I feel my anxiety start to rise and I have to force myself not to hyperventilate. Some people may think I’m over reacting, but they really have no clue the fear I live with on a daily basis. The fear that Steven will find me.

  Steven has many contacts throughout the country. I have no doubt that if I stay here long enough he will eventually find me and I can’t let happen. I know he won’t let me get away this time. Oh no, he’ll have his fun with me and then finish me off. His exact words the last time I saw him were, “I’ll kill you before I let you go! You hear me, you stupid bitch? You’re mine!” He said this while squeezing my throat as he raped me.

  Cutting off that train of thought I force myself not to call Jaxon back and tell him I changed my mind about the job. I literally have no choice but to accept. I could wait until something else opens up but I’m sure that not many jobs become available in a town of this size. And when they do, I’m sure they get filled by the locals pretty quickly.

  After glancing around one last time; trying to imagine myself working here, I grab my purse and hop off the stool. Once I reach the door, I turn around and look back. I see Jaxon casually leaning on the bar in front of th
e same woman. It looks like they are having an intimate conversation. He suddenly glances over the woman’s shoulder and sees me watching him. His brow puckers as we stare at each other. Even from this far away his eyes mesmerize me. They suck me in and it’s impossible to look away.

  Suddenly, he gives his head a little shake and breaks our contact. He returns his gaze back to the woman in front of him. Right before I turn back towards the door, I see him lift his hand and grab a curl that has escaped the woman’s up-do hair. I don’t know why, but this bothers me. I don’t like to think of him touching another woman. Of course, I don’t want him touching me either; I have no desire for any man to ever touch me again, but I definitely don’t want him touching anyone else either.

  I quickly exit the building and return to my car. Now that I’ve found a job I can finally relax and get some much needed sleep. I still have no place to stay so it looks like I’ll be sleeping in my car. I decide to pull into the library parking lot and use that as my resting spot.

  Once I park my car I reach back and grab the pillow and blanket I have stashed behind my seat. After locking my door, I lean back against it with my blanket tucked around me and close my eyes. It doesn’t take me long before I drift off to sleep.

  Chapter Three

  I simply lay there with my head to the side the entire time. There are more of them than usual and I’m grateful that this time he decided to give me the drugs. I feel weightless, like I’m not really there, but I know that I am. I know what’s happening, but I don’t care. My vision is blurring in and out and my hearing, at best, sounds as though I am stuck in a tunnel. I feel and see, virtually nothing. I wish it could be this easy every time, but no, he enjoys my pain too much. I’m surprised he was lenient on me this time, but no matter, he knows that even though I am drugged tonight I will remember everything tomorrow. Tomorrow the pain will start again. A lone tear slips from my eye.

  My vision briefly clears as I’m jostled around and my eyes land on him. He’s sitting in a plush burgundy chair. He’s still fully clothed except for his zipper is undone. He has his dick out and he’s stroking it. He rarely joins during these gatherings. He always sits to the side and watches. He watches me with accusing eyes, like I’m the one that puts me in these situations. It’s like he blames me, and he always punishes me afterwards.

  Right now, his eyes carry hatred and heat. He enjoys it, but hates me for it. I know from that one look that my punishment tonight will be severe. I am powerless to do something. All I can do or even want to do at the moment, because of the drugs, is lay there and stare blankly, waiting for it to be over.

  When the others finally leave I’m left lying on my stomach with my arms stretched out above my head and my legs left open. Through my fuzzy vision I see him getting up and walking towards me. It’s coming, but I can’t move. I can’t stop it. I feel the bed dip as he climbs on it. He’s out of my limited vision so I can’t see what he’s doing. All of a sudden I feel him between my legs. He grabs my hair and violently yanks my head back. In my ear I hear him say, “Did you like that, my Pet? Well, we haven’t even begun.” And with that he rams himself inside me....

  I jerk awake and immediately taste the bile that’s trying to come up. I barely get my door open in time to lose the contents of my stomach. This happens more often than not. The more vivid the dreams, the worse it is. Some nights the dreams are more vivid than others, and just when I think I might be getting over them one grips me and pulls me under again.

  I know that I need professional help. I just can’t stay in one place long enough to warrant seeking it. Not to mention therapists want you to sell your souls to the devil himself to pay for their services. Steven’s taken everything else from me; I refuse to give him my soul as well.

  I reach over and grab my bottle of water off the passenger seat and rinse and spit the foul taste from my mouth. After I close the door, I pick up my phone and see that it’s almost ten o’clock. I also see that I have two missed calls from Chris. I must have really been deep in my dream to have missed both of her calls. Before she decides to send out the Calvary, I call her to ease her worried mind.

  “Hi.” I say when she picks up on the first ring. Even to my own ears my voice sounds scratchy and tired.

  “Oh my God, Bailey, you’ve had me so worried! Where have you been?” She says, nearly shouting in my ear.

  “I’m sorry. I was so exhausted last night from driving that I guess I didn’t hear the phone when you called. I had a really rough night.” That was the understatement of the year.

  “Bad dreams again?” She asks. It wasn’t until about a month after I left that I told Bailey about my dreams. After an especially bad one I woke up hyperventilating, thinking Steven had caught up with me. Chris called on the verge of me passing out. She knew immediately that something was wrong. Luckily, she was able to calm me down over the phone. It was then that I confessed that I started having them right after I left Steven.

  “Yes,” I sigh. “This one was really bad. I woke up sick again.”

  “Oh, Bailey, I’m so sorry, honey. I wish there were something I could do.” There was such sadness in her voice that it broke my heart. She was almost as affected by the dreams as I was. She always felt so helpless because there was nothing she could do to help alleviate my pain. I love this woman so much. She was more than a friend, she was my sister. And I know she loves me just the same. I know that if there was a way for her to take the pain away from me she would. Hell, I know this woman would endure the pain for me. Of course, I would never ask or allow that to happen, though. This is my pain, and I have to learn how to deal with it.

  In an attempt to change the subject, I tell her about my new job. “I found a job last night. I start today at three o’clock.”

  “Oh wow! That was fast! What will you be doing?” She asks.

  This is the tricky part. I know that she won’t approve of me working in a rough bar. Chris loves me, but I know she considers me weak when it comes to men. I can’t really blame her. All the men in my life up to this point have been abusive. Bars such as Jaxon’s pub tend to occupy men that have perpetual attitude problems and have domineering ways. In Chris’s eyes working there will be asking for trouble. Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice and Chris will just have to understand that. I know I have my work cut out for me explaining this to her.

  I find it best to just blurt it out and get it over with.

  “I’ll be bartending at a local bar here. The first week will be a trial run to see how well I do.”

  And as expected she starts her protest.

  “Bailey, are you sure you’re up for that? I mean, I know you’ve tended a bar in the past, but working in an actual bar is completely different than working in a restaurant bar. Men tend to get rambunctious and loose with their tongues and hands when they’ve had a few drinks. I just don’t see you handling it very well if some drunk decides he wants you as his plaything.”

  See, I told you so. But then again, I have to agree with her. I probably won’t handle it very well if some guy starts putting his hands on me. I can’t even keep it together after one of my dreams. I can only imagine how I will freak out if some drunk touches me. Doubts start swirling in my head. Did I make the right choice? Is me working in a bar really a smart decision? Can I force myself to keep it together if someone comes onto me? It’s bound to happen. I may not be the prettiest girl, but when men get drunk, their libidos don’t really care what a woman looks like. For many men they don’t even care if a woman is willing or not.

  Even though these thoughts are running a rampage through my head the fact remains that I don’t have a choice. Not if I want to stay one step ahead of Steven. And that’s one thing I am desperate to do, even if I do have to come to terms with men looking, flirting, and touching me. As long as the touching doesn’t get out of hand. Jaxon said he tries to keep the peace and I have to trust that he’s a good businessman.

  Coming back to the conversation with Chris I tell
her, “I don’t really have a choice, do I? I’m almost out of money and I have no way of coming up with more. I don’t even have enough for gas to go to the next town. As it is, I’m staying in my car until I can find a place to stay. I don’t want to work there, but life is full of things we don’t want. Believe me; I know all about not wanting things but being forced into them anyway.”

  “Maybe I can come up...” She starts, but I don’t let her finish.

  “No!” I interrupt her. I knew she would try to offer more money, but there’s no way I can accept it. She’s done so much for me already. The guilt I feel for all the help she’s given eats at me. There is no way I can repay her for everything she has done. Although we are friends I still feel indebted to her.

  “I really appreciate the offer, Chris, but you’ve given me enough already. I need to try and do this on my own. If I get to the point where I really need it, I’ll ask. I’m not at that point yet. Hopefully, I never will be.”

  “Okay, Bailey. I’ll leave it for now. But please let me know if you need more money. I’ll come up with it somehow. You know I love you and would do anything for you.”

  Tears sting my eyes at her words. God, what did I ever do to deserve this woman? “I know you do, and I love you too,” I whisper.

  After I promise to call her tonight and we say our goodbyes, I decide to explore the town. I figure it would be best to know where everything is since I’ll be staying awhile. My first stop is a convenient store where I hope there is a public restroom so I can change and freshen up.

  Grabbing some clothes and my toiletries, I stuff them into my backpack and get out of my car. I lock my door and pocket the keys. The town is so small that you can park just about anywhere and still be in walking distance to all the little businesses.

  The sign out front of the convenient store says “Evelyn’s Market.” When I make it inside, I notice that it is not only a convenient store, but also a deli and mini grocery store. There are several cases that hold hot and cold deli items. I see six aisles with shelves full of canned goods, dry foods, boxed foods, and your everyday staples.