by Su Williams
“I’ve missed you too, Baby. Now. You’d better let me go before people start talking.”
“Let ‘em talk,” she said, but she let me go. Instead, she took my hand and dragged me into café. The barista, Tessa’s perky smile warmed me as we entered the coffee shop. “Well, don’t you look just beautiful,” she said.
“Thanks, Tess.” I hadn’t given her the opportunity to get me alone so she could interrogate me about Nick, and the desire scorched behind her eyes. May as well get it over with. She leaned across the counter as she rang me up and waggled her eyebrows at me. “So? Cute boy. Spill.”
I giggled. Nick wasn’t really much of a boy. “I know, right.”
“He’s like, rock star hot,” she said as she started my breve. “Where’d you find him?”
“Oh, skulking around in the woods.”
She laughed, no clue how serious I was. “Did you meet him since…I mean. You never brought him around before…I mean…” Tessa cringed. “I’m sorry.”
“No sweat, Tess. We knew each other ‘before’, sort of. He’s been hanging out with me since. Kind of taking care of me.”
“That’s sweet.” Worry still corrugated her brow and I reached across the counter to touch her hand as she slid me the coffee.
“It’s all good, Tess. Really. I’m doing okay. A bit of PTSD but, like I said, it’s all good.”
The barista’s brow relaxed and her tense shoulders drooped. “You’re so sweet.”
I chuckled. “Just curious, but did you know that’s my last name? Sweet?”
She huffed a surprised laugh. “I didn’t. I just know you as Emari, from Cash’s. That’s a great name.”
“Yeah, just thankful the olds didn’t name me Candy or Sugar or something else gag-worthy.” Wow, I hadn’t called my parents ‘the olds’ in a long time.
“There is that.”
Another customer ambled to the counter, so Ivy and I said our goodbyes to Tessa, and took our coffees to the comfy chairs in a quiet corner. Neither of us wanted to the broach the subject of Jesse; it just hurt too much. We used to be the three amigos. Now, Ivy and I hardly ever saw each other, and neither of us saw Jesse. I missed the cheesy old songs he used to sing to me—old Elvis tunes and ballads from the fifties and sixties.
Ivy filled me in on the comings and goings at Cash’s Department Store; how Collin, our manager, and Blake, the store loss prevention guy, were doing. After thirty minutes of banter, we both grew quiet and contemplative. I could’ve sworn I saw Ivy’s coffee tremble as she brought it to her lips.
“So, are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. Sure.” Hmmm. No ‘sure sure’ like she would normally respond, in ode to one of our favorite books. So things were most definitely not ‘okay’ with Ivy.
“I think…” I began, but her cell rang and she held up a finger to pause me. ‘I think you’re full of it,’ I wanted to say.
Ivy snapped her phone shut. “Duty calls,” she said, acting all chipper and fake. Wait. Since when did she need to b.s. me?
“Seriously?”
“Totally.”
“Wasn’t there something you were going to tell me?” I pushed. A little.
Ivy’s sweet face blanched white. “Uh. No.” She lied. Unconvincingly. “The new Brittany is sick. Collin’s freaking cuz there won’t be anyone in Kid’s in like five minutes.”
“Oh yay! Another Brittany—like there aren’t a ton of them in the world now.” Ivy had no intention of spilling, and she was using work as an excuse. She scrambled to gather her things, when I knew she was the opposite of happy about going to work. Normally, she’d be grumbling and cursing and moving as slow as she could. Hmmm. Her muscles were rigid and twitchy when she gave me a hug good-bye.
“Ives? I’m here. If you need me. Okay?”
“Sure sure,” she said as she hurried away and turned to wave.
Sure sure, my ass!
I texted Nick to meet me, and he strolled into the café a few minutes later. Tessa’s smile couldn’t get much bigger. ‘Hot boy!’ she mouthed and I laughed.
“What?” Nick asked.
“Oh, nothing. Inside joke.” Our arms slid easily around each other’s waist and I glanced over my shoulder in time to see Tessa give me a ‘squeeze his ass’ gesture. I felt the air suck out of my lungs and my shoulders stiffen. Mortified at the thought, I shook my head ‘no’ at her. Her laughter chased us down the corridor.
“Still an inside joke?” Nick asked.
“Yes. And please don’t try to find it.”
He nuzzled my ear and whispered, “As you wish.”
Nick and I wandered through the mall hand in hand, grateful that songs with words like ‘Santa bring her a new heart, cuz I broke the old one’ no longer blared overhead. Although, I did miss the Santa skulls in my Goth store. We were walking past the skateboarder’s shop, when Jesse walked out. My eyes sought out the warm brown of his, and when they met, a flush of something beyond friendly affection blazed within me. I acted impulsively on a memory from Sabre’s rock star weave. I dropped Nick’s hand, flung my arms around Jess’s neck and kissed him full on the mouth. When his lips and arms didn’t respond to me, I realized what I had done. Jesse was my beau in Sabre’s weave and some part of me still remembered the intimate relationship we’d shared. My face radiated embarrassed heat. I jerked away and grabbed Nick’s hand, thrust a desperate plea for help at him.
Jesse stood rigid and stunned, the word ‘what’ still gaping from his mouth.
Nick understood what happened, and my desperation for it to be fixed. Jesse didn’t need to be confused about where we stood because of Sabre’s little escapade. Or because I was stupid. ‘Please!’ I begged Nick with the pain of remorse prickling in my eyes. ‘Please fix it for me.’
Nick nodded and clapped a hand on Jesse’s shoulder. “You know, I haven’t gotten a chance to thank you for looking out for Emari. And for doing the right thing and turning your brother in to the police. I know that must have been hard.” All the while, I could tell Nick was extracting the memory of my kiss from Jesse’s mind.
Nick stepped away as Jesse blinked and shook his head. “Uh. What was I saying?”
“You were saying what a jerk you are for not calling me and for avoiding my calls. You were telling me you are going to be a better friend and not bail on me.”
“Huh. Yeah. I guess I was. I really am sorry, Em. Things have just been really whacked, lately.” Jesse peered up at Nick and quickly away with fear in his eyes. “Been downtown at the courthouse more times than I can count.” He fidgeted and gazed, desperate-eyed down the corridor as though searching for the nearest escape.
I turned to Nick. “Um, could I talk to Jess alone for a minute? Would you mind?”
“As you wish,” Nick said as he kissed my temple.
I wondered if it was meant as reassurance for me or a marked territory thing for Jesse, like animals in the wild mark their land. And their mate, like Sabre had said. Regardless, I took Jess by the arm and walked a few feet away.
“I really miss you, Jess.” Tears pooled in my eyes.
Jesse glanced at Nick, a calculating look crossed his eyes as he said, “I’ve missed you too, Sweets. I just…it’s been…things are different now.”
“Oh? And how are they different?”
“Em…” he reach out his hand as though to brush my cheek, but let it drop to his side with a quiet, defeated smack.
I placed my trembling hands on his chest and looked up into his Latino-brown eyes. “Jesse. You know I love you.” His heart skipped under my palms. “But that means something different to you than it does to me. I still want you in my life, but not if being in my life hurts you. I want my friend back. But that’s all it is for me. I don’t hate you, and I don’t blame you for what your brother did.” Now, Jesse’s eyes were filled with tears, and their gaze avoided mine. “When you decide—would you let me know? Please.”
“Sure thing, Sweets.” His voice was soft and strained, the words barely ekin
g out as a whisper.
I forced a smile. “Is it okay to hug my friend?” It sucked that I had to ask. Hugging Jesse had never required permission before; it was a prerequisite to the friendship.
He smiled and shot a nervous glance at Nick. “Of course.”
I stepped into his arms and wrapped mine around him. He held on to me as though that one hug had to last the rest of his life; and I thought I already had my answer. I would never hear from Jesse DeLaRosa again. My heart clenched around the thought and I stifled my tears. He’d been through enough already. He didn’t need me making it worse.
Finally, we broke apart and said our goodbyes and I rejoined Nick. His chest and arms felt like the safest place in the world. “Nick. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
“I do,” he said as he lifted my chin to look him in the eyes. “Sabre’s weave was very elaborate. He made your relationship with Jesse a very intimate one. I can understand your response. I don’t like it, but I understand.”
“So you erased the memory that I—kissed him, right?”
“I did.”
“Is there a way, somehow, to make Jesse forget how he feels about me?”
“No, unfortunately not; not without deleting most of his memory of you. Is that what you want?” Nick asked.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe he would be better off if he never met me. My presence has hurt him more than helped him.” I thought of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ where Jimmy Stewart wishes he’d never been born.
“He’ll be okay, Em. Jesse’s a tough guy. Besides, everyone has a lost love or two. They’re learning experiences that make us stronger, and give us better judgment.”
I nodded against his chest. “Yeah. I guess, you’re right.”
“You’re tough, too” he said as he took my hand and led me back toward Chile’s and the car.
“Nah. Hapless puddle. Remember?”
Chapter 10 Love the Way You Lie
February tumbled into March, and even with warmer weather, I felt myself devolve into melancholy. The eighteenth would be my eighteenth birthday—my Golden Birthday, as they say. My first birthday without my parents. Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents. But, how did children survive alone? I found myself wishing I’d gone on that trip to Cali with them; fantasizing about being in that car when it sprouted wings, then erupted into a ball of flames. Even the calmness of Nick’s presence didn’t quell the ache in my heart. Fanciful images of a sharp shiny blade and a bead of crimson returned to my thoughts.
“Hey. You wanna go down to Riverfront?” Nick asked one crisp, sunny afternoon as I came out of the bathroom.
“Um, sure. Let me grab my coat.” I rifled the dryer for my black fingerless gloves and skull stocking cap.
The drive into town was quiet. A thick crust of snow, that melted a little each day and refroze each night, still covered the ground; but the Ponderosas stood tall, dark and bare. I hummed along to songs on the radio and Nick stared out the windshield in deep concentration of the completely clear road. We parked near the Flour Mill, on the North side of the park, and he gallantly offered his hand to assist me from the car. He held my gloved hand in his as we strolled past the historic old Flour Mill and the giant metal and canvas butterfly that hovered over the entrance of Riverfront Park. My skin was warm from the car ride and cold air singed against the heat. I hugged one of his arms and leaned my head against his shoulder. Nick led me down to what some people call ‘Inspiration Point’, overlooking the forks in the river—the broadened North branch carved and blasted out decades ago to power the Mill. In silence, we stared out over the bare basalt riverbed encrusted white with dried algae and age. Only a small stream of water bubbled through about a quarter of the bed, now. In a few weeks, with the Spring thaw, this branch of the river would roar with the thunder of water.
“Nick?” I said, just he was saying, “Em?” We laughed. “You go,” I told him.
Nick cupped my cold cheeks between his warm, leather-clad hands and kissed my forehead. “Emi. I love you, so much.” And the pain in his eyes made me wonder if that love hurt him.
I shook my head. “I know.”
He petted my hair, traced my cheekbone with his thumb. “I don’t…I just…I…”
I raise up on my tiptoes and whispered, “Shhh.” And delicately pressed my lips to his. I wanted to tell him everything would be all right but I wasn’t sure that was honest. He searched my face for an answer to appease his cavorting gremlins. His mouth twitched up at the corners and he kissed me again, his breath hot across my chilled cheek. The leather of his coat creaked softly as he enveloped me in his arms. He didn’t ask what was on my mind, and I wondered again about the secrets that haunted his eyes. He said he loved me, but what did that mean? And how long would it be until something dangerous invaded our lives again and he wanted to ‘protect me’? Finally, and without another word, he took my hand again and lead me away from the outcropping of rock of Inspiration Point.
We walked a loop around the park, past the skeletal remains of the US pavilion and the old rail yard clock tower with nine foot clock faces. There were sure a lot of skeletons left from that World Fair in ’74; and apparently a lot of skeletons still hidden in the recessed closet of Nick’s heart. Organ music piped through the air as we crossed the river to the Looff carousel, where the hand-painted animals were sparse with children. And still, the silence hovered. Nick didn’t even offer up any nostalgic trivia. I balked slightly when he headed toward the suspension bridges that led back to the Flour Mill. Of course, he sensed the gallop of my heart.
“What?” But he smirked like he knew already.
“Oh, right. Don’t act like you don’t know I hate these bridges,” I chastised in play.
“I don’t get it.” He stopped at the entrance of the South bridge and searched my eyes. “You’ve never fallen from any height, or come anywhere near drowning. Why the trepidation over a couple of suspended bridges?”
“My dad instilled the fear of God in me about this river. It looks all calm and safe on the surface, but the undertow is deadly. Every year, they drag at least three bodies out this river. It just freaks me out. As for heights…I don’t know. It’s not the height part. It’s the falling part. It just freaks me out.”
“Aw come on. Bad ass girl like you letting a little bridge scare you?” he teased.
I drew a theatrical gasp. “Potty mouth.”
Nick smiled in earnest then, for the first time in weeks. Then, he pulled me against him. “I won’t let anything hurt you.” His voice caught in his throat and his body shuddered against mine like a panic attack.
Again, I wanted to tell him that everything would be okay—to console him. But again, I couldn’t find the honesty in the words. Things just felt too tenuous to be okay.
“Hey. I’ve got a little surprise for you,” he said.
“Yeah?”
“Come on. Let’s take a little detour on the way back to the car.” He led me past the old YMCA building and South along Wall street. I wasn’t sure where he was taking me…hence the ‘surprise’ part, so when he steered me toward the covered entrance to ‘Anthony’s Over the River’, I was definitely, pleasantly surprised.
Once the hostess seated us in a quiet corner near the wall of windows, all overlooking the falls and suspension bridges we’d just crossed, I asked, “So, what’s the occasion?”
“You can’t possibly have forgotten.”
“Um….is it some sort of anniversary thing or something?” We hadn’t celebrated any of the weeks or months we’d been together, so it didn’t seem likely. Some people celebrated one month, three months, six months together as thought it was some grand accomplishment. But, we’d been together for barely four months…and even that was intermittent. Now, if you wanted to talk anniversaries: Mom and Dad had been together for thirty-four years.
Nick chuckled, and rummaged in his jacket pocket. He slid an orange and pink envelope across the table toward me and sa
id, “Happy birthday, Sweetheart.”
I stared, wide-eyed with shock and mouth gaping open like an idiot. I’d forgotten…forced myself to forget…my own birthday. Mom and Dad made such a huge deal about birthdays, like they really were celebrating the day I came into their lives. “I…” I stammered and clasped my fingers together in my lap. “Um…thank you, Nick.” I stared at the envelope on the table.
“What’s wrong?” The enthusiasm drained from his face and I cringed for ruining this for him.
I pressed the envelope to table and slid it toward me under my fingertips. “It’s just…I guess, I kind of forgot I still have a birthday even though Mom and Dad are gone. They brought me here once.” I gazed out over the dry falls. “It’s a beautiful view.” His eyes still searched my face and worry corrugated his brow. “I’m sorry. This is very sweet of you. I just, like, seriously forgot.” His fingers found mine and caressed them with warm, reassuring tenderness.
“We don’t have to stay. We can go, if you want,” he offered. But, I didn’t want to disappoint him.
“No. I want to stay. I’m not upset that we’re here. Like I said, I just forgot about my birthday.” I gave him an encouraging smile. “I should have known you couldn’t forget my birthday, even if you tried. So what’s this?” I asked and tapped the envelope against the table.
Nick’s smile returned in full force. “Open it and see.” He reminded me of Eddy when he was excited about something.
I slid my finger under the flap and smiled at the memory of his Christmas gift; a diamond and white gold pendant that read, ‘Dream On!’ We’d joked that if I cut my finger on the paper and bled, he and Sabre would not become vampires and ravage all of my party guest on a feeding frenzy. Looking through my eyelashes, I could see the smirk on his face as he read the memories. Four pieces of paper were wrapped in letter written in Nick’s elegant script.
My dearest Emari Jewel,
I know no gift can replace that which you’ve lost. I can only hope this gift will help you in finding new memories to cherish…not to replace the old…but to give you new ones.
