887.77.3
Grammar
Carmen and Zablonski followed, quickly grasped the ploy, and feigned comfort. Would they succeed in drawing Terry into this basin of ice-cold water? As she walked by Élizabeth, Carmen whispered:
“Gives me a terrible headache like I used to get eatin’ ice cream when I was a kid.”
888.50.4
Fundy
3. Do you answer your cellphone or beeper during a round of golf?
a) Yes, of course.
b) Absolutely not. I leave all that junk in the car.
c) I have to: I’m a paramedic.
889.62.3
Survey/Men
d) I wear a fake beeper on the course, to pretend I have a job.
e) I always phone my wife on the 17th hole, because we were married on September 17.
“Who was it assassinated Agrippina, again?”
890.79.6
Oddities
3. Do you answer your cellphone or beeper during a round of golf?
a) Yes, absolutely.
b) Yes, obviously.
c) I couldn’t live without my hands-free accessory and my all-inclusive music package.
d) I tossed my cellphone in the lake at the 5th hole last week.
e) I have an assortment of fake cellphones to match each of my golf outfits.
891.69.3
Survey/Women
Terry watched his friends wading in the water. He found it hard to believe the water could be that warm because, when he’d put a toe in a few weeks earlier in August, it was very cold. How could it have warmed up since then?
892.50.5
Fundy
On the other hand, the Bescherelle does not promote the invention of grammatical words, which are limited in number, and to which the reader is not encouraged to add. These grammatical words are the nuts and bolts of language, those tiny mechanisms that build it and make it work: non-qualifying articles and adjectives, prepositions and conjunctions. These words form a limited paradigm, i.e., they can be replaced in a particular sentence, but only by a limited number of other words. Which is to say, their inventory is closed. The words in bold in this paragraph are grammatical words.
893.77.4
Grammar
A car door slammed, then another, and yet another. Terry recognized Pomme’s voice, then Sylvia’s. He shouted to the five waders:
“Dey made it!”
Lisa-M., Pomme, Sylvia, and Lionel soon appeared at the peak of the cliff and began the descent along the gently sloping path that led to the creek. Terry went to meet them.
“Great! We wasn’t expectin’ you so soon!”
“Der was a bomb scare at de university, in de arts buildin’ of all places, so dey sent us all away.”
“How ’bout Lionel, did ee get back early as well, den?”
Lionel spoke for himself:
“No. Lionel never left home. I ended up doing all my business on de phone. Der’s nuttin’ like bein’ yer own boss, eh? You ought to know.”
894.50.6
Fundy
4. Do you spend a lot of money on golf equipment?
a) My spending is reasonable because I know that the quality of my game does not depend on my equipment.
b) I spend a great deal even though I know that the quality of my game does not depend on my equipment.
c) I spend a lot more for my equipment than I tell my wife.
d) I have to spend a great deal because one of my legs is shorter than the other.
e) I’m obliged to renew my equipment at my own expense, because none of my exceptionally gifted children has had the idea of offering me golf equipment as a present.
895.62.4
Survey/Men
“Strange how when a body uses de wrong word, folks’ll say der tongue’s forked. Only forks don’t have tongues now do dey? Dey got teet, last time I looked, anyway.”
“Most likely dey was tinkin’ of a fork in de road, where she splits in two.”
896.106.9
Customs
“An’ not only dat, a fork’s got more’n two teet; it’s got four or six generally.”
“Six? I never seen a fork had six teet.”
“Dose’re pitchforks for haulin’ hay.”
“Awh.”
Marianne likes her toast burned.
897.79.8
Oddities
A cry. The kind of scream that reinvents the genre. Pomme? But where is he? Is that him over there in the water? Is he hurt? Is he drowning? No, he’s swimming. But why that terrible cry? A shark? Maybe one of his feet has been torn to shreds. Or an entire leg. Both feet? Should we swim out to his rescue?
“Ee don’t look like ee’s havin’ any trouble swimmin’.”
“Pomme? Ee swims better’n all de rest of us put togedder.”
. . .
. . .
Pomme. He’d been awfully hot on the way. So terribly hot.
“Well, why didn’t he say someting, den?”
Pomme. Not the kind to complain. Then, without a word, slipped away like a cat — after all, he knows the beach — up to the little cliff, knowing exactly on which rocks to clamber up. And then he dove, divinely, into the water — the ice-cold water — of the Bay of Fundy.
898.50.7
Fundy
Carmen’s prayer: Oh Lord, watch over all those I love, and all those who love me. Amen.
899.124.6
Religion
Pomme couldn’t stop shivering. Terry threw more driftwood onto the fire, rolled the potatoes back to the edge of the pit.
“I can’t believe youse all tawt I’d go in de water only ’cause you were in der. You don’t know me at all.”
Terry lay the marinated chicken breasts one by one on the grill.
“Have to say doh, ’twas a right cunnin’ game you were playin’; I’s startin’ to ask meself how dat water got so warm.”
Zed teased him:
“A wee bit longer an’ you’d ’ave found some kind of explanation, I bet.”
“Most likely!”
Terry laughed, and turned to explain to Élizabeth:
“’Cordin’ to Zed ’ere, I’s an intellectual.”
900.50.8
Fundy
It’s no coincidence that, limited in number, grammatical words are also limited in length. The Bescherelle establishes a direct link between the shortness of grammatical words and the fact that they are used so often, citing this as a good example of the economy of language.
901.77.5
Grammar
“In any sport, comes a moment you gets into a good feelin’, in de zone is wot dey call it.”
“Only I tink dat’s two different tings: de zone’s a zone, and de sweet spot, well dat’s a spot.”
?
. . .
“Alright, well, whatever. One way or de udder, seems like we’ll be havin more an’ more o’ dem good feelin’s in de future, wot wid nanotechnologies an’ de like. Our bodies an’ machines ’re gonna be more joined togedder. An’ de reason dat’s gonna happen is on account of folks prefers feelin’ to tinkin’.”
. . .
“Dat’s ’ow dey explains de fad fer tattoos an’ piercin’s an’ de like. Dat’s all about de need to feel.”
!
“An’ de whole ting wid liftin’ weights, dats more or less de idea of de human-machine.”
!!
“Same ting wid de Transformers.”
. . .
“Wot’re ya waitin’ fer to take yer swing?”
902.59.7
Knowledge
Once upon a time a fork had only two tee
th. Hence the name of the instrument: bident. Bifurcation?
903.111.3
Tools
The fresh air, the joy and delicious smells whetted the picnickers’ appetites. Zablonski examined the two small black balls that claimed to be potatoes in his plate:
“Believe it or not, I’ve eaten completely charred potatoes like these before. In Germany, I think. They were actually quite good.”
“Dis ’ere’s de recipe dat won me a Scout’s medal in cooking.”
“Me, ’twas me sausages in salty molasses.”
“You were a Boy Scout?”
“Salty molasses?”
Élizabeth looked at each one of them in turn, found something endearing in all of them, felt totally at ease among them.
“’Ow ’bout you, Élizabeth, wot do you eat to feel like yer back in yer mudder’s womb?”
Élizabeth found the question funny, but she had a ready answer:
“A bowl of corn flakes. With lots of milk and plenty of sugar.”
Élizabeth had correctly used the masculine noun un bol. Zed quickly corrected her in the proper Chiac:
“We say “une bolle.”
“An’ we always say de colour of de sugar.
“White.”
“Right. Yer kinda sweet yerself.”
904.50.9
Fundy
4. Do you spend a lot of money on golf equipment?
a) No, because every year I wait for the sales to buy myself a complete set of new equipment.
b) No, my only weakness is for the shoes.
c) Does the 19th hole count as part of the equipment?
d) I never spend money, I use credit cards.
e) I get enormous satisfaction out of spending enormous amounts of money on pretty much anything.
905.69.4
Survey/Women
“An’ why is it yer in pain, do you tink?”
“Wot, are ya tinkin’ I’m hurtin’ on purpose?”
“Well, maybe not on purpose, only fer sure der’s someting in you dat wants to be hurtin’.”
“Tell me yer jokin’ . . .”
“Dey say dat when we hurt ourself, even doh it looks like an accident, it’s not an accident.”
. . .
“’Tisn’t someting we can be admittin’ to ourselves.”
. . .
“Do you want my interpretation?”
“Do I ’ave a choice?”
“I tink it’s on account of wot ’appened to Ron. You tink dat moose should’ve come across in front o’ you instead o’ ’im. Deep down, you tinks yer not worth as much as ee is.”
. . .
. . .
“One ting’s fer sure, I can’t wait fer you to get yer degree an’ den open an office some place. Hopefully dat’ll take yer focus off o’ me.”
906.127.9
Tactics
5. What’s your attitude toward beginners playing ahead of you on the course?
a) I’m a slow player myself, so I don’t mind.
b) I wait patiently, because I was a beginner once myself.
c) Their presence is annoying, but we’re obliged to tolerate them, aren’t we?
d) They get on my nerves. They ought to be compelled to learn the basics elsewhere.
e) I enjoy chatting with the young ladies in the trees beyond the rough.
907.62.5
Survey/Men
Night had fallen several hours ago when the band of friends decided it was time to pack up and go. Pomme and Terry put the fire out with water and sand. Zed helped Sylvia carry an interesting piece of driftwood to the car.
“It might look good in the garden . . .”
Ludmilla and Élizabeth shook and folded the blankets, Lionel picked up the trash while Lisa-M. and Carmen packed the coolers.
“De vegetables’ll still be good. De chicken, not so sure.”
“We’ll eat it.”
Zablonski managed the big flashlight.
“Zab! Zap dat light o’er dis way fer a minute!”
. . .
“A wee red fox! Do you see it?”
“Naw. Where?”
“Down by de big rocks.”
. . .
“Awh, ee’s gone . . .”
. . .
“Alright den, Zab. We don’t need it no more. Tanks.”
908.50.12
Fundy
5. What’s your attitude toward beginners playing ahead of you on the course?
a) Why should I have an attitude? I don’t understand the question.
b) I like to chat with them while I’m helping look for their ball.
c) I return their ball politely when they hit it in the wrong direction.
d) I try to get invited to play with them next time because those girls look like they’re really having fun.
e) All of the above.
909.69.5
Survey/Women
“Étienne, I’ve some books fer The Cripple. Can you haul ’em over der fer me? I can’t get away right now.”
Étienne was always proud and happy to lend a hand in the bookstore.
“’Ere you go den, an’ don’t be fergettin’ to show ’im de receipt.”
Terry barely had time to slip the receipt from the cash register inside the cover of the first book before Étienne was turning around to go.
“Hang on, now! I’ll ring ’im up to let ’im know yer on yer way up, an’ make sure ee’s der.”
Étienne waited patiently, looking at the books he was getting ready to deliver. While The Cripple’s phone was ringing, Terry had time to enlighten his son:
“Dis ’ere book talks about de Greek tragedies. It’s teatre. You know, like at de Escaouette . . .”
Étienne nodded.
“Hello? It’s Terry downstairs. I’m about to send me boy up wid yer books. Is it a good time?”
. . .
“Alright den!”
Terry hung up and quickly picked up the second book to glance at the back cover:
“Dis one ’ere’s a physics book. You’ll be learnin’ physics in school soon enough. Dis ’ere explains why a ball always ends up fallin’ down to de ground, an’ udder stuff like . . . what makes de colours in a soap bubble. You know, de ones we blows troo de wee round end of de stick ya dips in de bottle?”
Étienne thought that did indeed merit an explanation, and what’s more, all things considered, physics seemed quite worthwhile.
910.16.6
The Cripple
An avatar is a creation, a point of departure, a separation from our lineage, a break from the name of the father. A fork. The names alone will trigger anyone’s imagination: Joe Jello, Paul PR, Lucky PowPow, Baby Dy, Sorros Jr, Doctor Flour, Pick Pocket, and S Crowbar.
911.76.5
Avatars
Zablonski showed Marianne how to bend the onion tops down.
“See? We bend them over like this, right down to the ground.”
Marianne set to work with great enthusiasm.
“Very good. Very, very good. Now we’re going to do the whole row. You keep going here and I’ll begin at the other end. Alright?”
“Awwhite?”
Marianne watched without budging as Le Grand Étienne moved down the row.
“No? You don’t want to do it?”
Seeing that the child wasn’t moving, Zablonski came back to her.
“Would you prefer to do it together? Shall we do it together, then?”
“Awwhite?”
912.38.1
Onions
6. Do you play by the rules?
a) Depends whom I’m playing with.
b) Depends on
any given day.
c) Yes, I count almost all my strokes.
d) Yes, I count all my strokes and those of my partners.
e) I stop counting after 200.
913.62.6
Survey/Men
“Normally, you’ve got de baby legs dat go as high as tree feet, den you got de sticks, dey can go five feet. An’ de high hat — dat’s just like a plate — is right practical as well.
914.111.10
Tools
6. Do you play by the rules?
a) Rules? There are rules?
b) Yes, I allow myself the right to cheat only five times.
c) The rules are an excellent guide, because no two courses are alike.
d) I hate shouting fore.
e) Not when the golf club bars women from playing.
915.69.6
Survey/Women
Zablonski advanced, pushing most of the onion stalks down, but leaving a few for Marianne who was following along behind. At one point, glancing back to make sure everything was going well, he saw that Marianne was pulling the stalks out rather than pushing them down to the ground. He watched her for a moment, chuckling to himself at her astonishment each time she discovered the brownish, whitish or wine red bulbs at the end of the stalk.
“Everything alright, Marianne?”
The child raised her head, looked at him. He decided not to interfere.
“Fun, isn’t it?”
He went back to work, and so did Marianne.
916.38.2
Onions
In Numidia, in the year 354, a woman named Monica gave birth to Aurelius Augustinus, who would later become the author, philosopher, and theologian better known as Saint Augustine. When he was 18 years old, Augustine’s lover gave birth to their son Adeodatus. That same year, Augustine decided to convert to wisdom. He, in turn, gave birth to Western man.
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