917.99.10
Names
“Take de environment. It’s on account of folks feelin’ so much more dat it’s become such a terrible big deal.”
. . .
“Same ting wid helt. Used to be, folks died an’ ’twas normal. Nowadays? Folks treats it like it’s an insult!”
. . .
“An’ dat’s how come so many people’re takin’ antidepressants. On account of dey focus on how dey’s feeling, not on wot dey’s tinkin’. Wot yer tinkin’s not so terrible important anymore. It’s all about how yer feelin’.”
918.59.9
Knowledge
Another interesting section of the Bescherelle grammar book deals with new spelling rules: The French Academy no longer insists on the insertion of a circumflex accent above the i and the u, except in the case of verb endings (nous rendîmes, vous crûssiez) and of a few words where the circumflex serves to distinguish homonyms (mur meaning “wall” and mûr meaning “ripe,” or du meaning “of” and dû meaning “due”). Île, maîtresse, coût, flûte, boîte have therefore become ile, maitresse, cout, flute, boite. They look naked. But the Academy has ruled that the phrase drôle de tête, meaning a “strange or funny look,” will continue to be written drôle de tête. Go figure.
919.77.6
Grammar
“Dad! De light’s red!”
The day before, Chico had explained to Étienne how traffic lights work.
“You gotta wait ’til de light turns green.”
Terry explained about turning right on a red light.
“Well, ’ow long does ya ’ave to stop, den?”
“Not all dat long. So long as you stops an’ look around to see wot’s happenin’. Den’ you can go right ahead, if der’s no car crossin’ in dat direction. On account of if der’s one dat’s comin’, den I’s de one dat has to let ’im go.
“On account of?”
“On account of ee’s de one’s got de green light. Whoever’s got de green light can go right troo, no matter wot. Ee doesn’t even ’ave to stop.”
. . .
“Used to be, we weren’t allowed to do dat. Light was red? You stopped ’til she turned green. Hasn’t been all dat long now, dey changed de law so dem dat wants to turn right are allowed to go as well.”
. . .
“It’s workin’ just fine, you ask me. Doesn’t cause more accidents.”
. . .
. . .
“But, how come dey decided on green?”
920.73.1
Shifts
Occasionally, proper speech slipped in. Delicate combinations, correct pronunciation. Syllables, sometimes several in a row, alligned, waiting their turn to summersault along the banks of language’s ocean. Words, at times several in a row.
921.7.2
Useful Details
“Fives, we’s playin’ fer fives.”
“An old maid.”
. . .
“Anudder old maid.”
“Luh, an ace . . . you likes aces, don’t ya?”
“Der’s nuttin’ good fer me der. Tree Salmons an’ a Jackson of clubs.”
“A Jackson, now . . .”
“Tree big K-boys, real ones. Neener of diamonds.”
“A neener’s good. Tree neeners, an’ dime-jack-queen o’ spades.”
“Pfff . . . Ocho o’ hearts.”
“Can’t take it. Helen o’ Troy.”
“A deuce . . . dat’s kind o’ small, eh?”
“Deuce, trey, farr o’ hearts.”
“Dat’s no big bouquet o’ flowers.”
“Tree farr, neener o’ spades.
“An’ why didn’t ya put yer neener der?!”
“Sweet Mickey! I coulda been over an’ out.”
“She’s only got a single card left? One-eyed king.”
“One-eyed king, now. One, two, tree pore little deuces.”
“Sax o’ spades.”
“A hockey stick. Are der none over der? ’Ere’s anudder one. Ocho clubs.”
“Trey o’ diamonds.”
“Tree treys. Tree wee piggies.”
“Close de hockey sticks. Farr o’ spades.”
“No good. No good.”
“Pfff . . .”
“A nickel an’ I’m done!”
“Again!”
“Sweet Bejesus, I’m left wid a wild card!”
“Now dat’s not too clever.”
“I’s waitin’ fer someting to play ’er wid!”
“I’ve got 22 fer 30 cents.”
“I got 17.”
“Nine. Whose turn is it to deal?”
“Mine.”
“Don’t ferget to ante up. Seems to me, de pot’s not gettin’ bigger.”
“I’m paid up.”
“An’ I.”
“Fer saxes, we’s playin’ fer saxes.”
922.122.9
Sports
Terry does not pretend to have created avatars you might confuse with real people, as is evident from the cartoonish names he’s given them: Joe Jello, Paul PR and Lucky PowPow. In any case, the point is not whether these creatures exist in the flesh. The point is to know that they exist, circulate, act, cause what may be a new kind of accident.
923.76.3
Avatars
“Take playin’ golf. You walks, you stretches, you whack de ball. Everyting’s green an’ blue, de wedder’s fine, it smells nice. Der’s a light breeze, long grass, an’ branches. ’Tis all physical. So wot, you say? So, all de golf courses is packed to de rafters, dat’s wot.”
. . .
“Same ting fer de extreme sports. It’s like our body only just woke up. Ask me, ’tis anudder dimension of ourselves dat just woke up. A dimension dat wasn’t possible afore now, fer some reason. De nano dimension.”
“Luh! ’Ere she is!
924.59.10
Knowledge
A kind of fluidity in the ordering of the fragments confirms that the story has indeed taken flight, and is now soaring on its own power, toward its conclusion. As though the goal, until now only imagined, has at last revealed itself to be possible, attainable, acheivable. Vast arrangement, slow deployment, intuition confirmed, rare emotion.
925.73.6
Shifts
“Wot’s ee up to den?”
Chico had seen so many new things since he’d moved into the lofts that he was no longer entirely sure what was normal.
Étienne took up the question:
“Wot ya doin’, Dad?”
“I’m measuring de toilet paper.”
“On account of?”
“Just to see.”
“To see wot?”
“To see if wot dey write on de package is de troot.”
The two boys came closer, curious to see what this was all about. Terry decided they deserved a more complete explanation.
“Look over ’ere on de package, dey tell us de size an’ number of little squares in each roll. Well, how do we know fer sure it’s de troot if nobody ever takes de time to count dem?”
The two boys found this to be eminently logical and even somewhat inspiring.
“Can we be countin’ some, too?”
Terry would have preferred to say no and continue his little investigation unencumbered.
“Can youse count to six?”
The two boys laughed, thinking Terry was just teasing.
“Dad! You’re de one dat showed me how!”
“Me as well, me Dad showed me how.”
Terry looked at Chico:
“Did I tell ya Shawn was always winning de adding, subtracting, multiplication an’ division contests in school? Dat boy couldn’t be beat! D
er was times I’s furious ee was so good.”
Chico swelled with pride. Étienne was happy for him.
926.53.1
Buyer Beware
7. Do you find it important to know that a golf ball measures 4.4 centimetres in diameter and weighs 5.2 grams?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) I don’t know.
d) I have no opinion.
e) I only know measurements in inches and ounces.
927.62.7
Survey/Men
Terry set Étienne and Chico down with a roll of toilet paper and showed them how to proceed.
“An’ don’t go losin’ count. Dis ’ere’s serious!”
The two boys got down to work. Terry watched them at first.
“You hold de end, I’ll do de countin’.”
“An’ den after, it’ll be me turn to count, okay?”
“One, two, tree, farr, five, six.”
Étienne tore off the strip of six squares and laid it down on a kitchen chair. Then Chico counted six more squares, tore the second strip along the perforation and laid it down on top of the first. Terry was satisfied:
“Dat’s exactly right. Now, you do de whole roll just like dat.”
928.53.2
Buyer Beware
Not forgetting that some shifts in direction can turn out to be missed opportunities. For example, the title “Robots designed to treat the injured soldiers in the heat of battle”: why not forget the soldiers and send the robots directly into battle?
929.73.9
Shifts
“Win? You win?”
But Zablonsiki had not presented the taking down of the onion stalks as a contest.
“Well, alright then, you win.”
Did the child expect a prize of some sort? As there was really nothing around that might serve as a gift, Zablonski resigned himself to telling the truth, at the risk of disappointing her:
“It’s just that . . . well, I didn’t think we were having a contest.”
“Concon?”
“No, not a contest.”
“Awwhite?”
“Yes, that’s it. Alright.”
“Awwhite.”
930.38.3
Onions
7. Do you find it important to know that a golf ball measures 4.4 centimetres in diameter and weighs 5.2 grams?
a) Yes, but I’ll have forgotten in 30 seconds.
b) Yes, it’s a good way to check on the accuracy of my Weight Watchers scale.
c) No, I assume they’re selling me regulation balls.
d) No, I find that sort of detail exasperating.
e) I only know measurements in inches and ounces.
931.69.7
Survey/Women
“Yer dad ’as some shockin’ good ideas, eh?”
Étienne could not, at the same time, nod his head and count squares of toilet paper.
“Hold on, I got muddled. I gotta start again.”
Terry was wondering if the two boys would have the patience to get to the end of the roll. He also wondered why manufacturers of toilet paper sold squares measuring 9.9 centimetres by 10.1 centimetres, for a total surface of 99.99 square centimetres. Wouldn’t it be simpler to adopt a standard size of 10 by 10 centimetres? What did the producer gain by this .01 centimetre of difference? Probably a strategy to discourage consumers from undertaking such calculations.
932.53.3
Buyer Beware
8. How much money do you think the golf industry generates annually in the United States (in US dollars)?
a) 5 billion.
b) 10 billion.
c) More than 15 billion.
d) Why isn’t the question about the golf industry in Canada?
e) I’m no good with numbers.
933.62.8
Survey/Men
“Do you know the story of the princess who couldn’t cry?”
Marianne loves stories. She nods her head and says:
“O.”
“No? Would you like to hear it?”
Marianne shakes her head no and says:
“Essssss.”
934.134.2
Marianne
I am troubled, confused, perhaps even shocked — just as Ludmilla was surprised to discover the absence of Freud in La Pléiade — by the fact that Harper Lee’s celebrated novel To Kill a Mockingbird is not included in the best American novels of La Bibliothèque idéale. Forty years after its publication, I am rereading the book to try to understand the reason for its exclusion.
935.95.7
Additions to La Bibliothèque idéale
Another question preoccupying Terry concerned the thickness of toilet paper: did the manufacturers count a three-ply sheet as one sheet or three sheets?
“Dad, how many squares do you use? To wipe yerself, I mean?”
Chico thought this was a good question.
“I never counted ’em, to tell de troot. I haul just enough to spin de roll a bit an’ den I tear off a length.”
“Awh.”
. . .
. . .
“Bot I’d say five, most o’ de time.”
Étienne and Chico checked to see what five squares amounted to and saw it came to one square less than their strips.
“Mum takes more’n dat.”
“Is dat right?”
Terry knew it, but he wanted to hear what Étienne would say.
“She rolls de paper round ’er hand a whole bunch o’ times, den after dat she makes like a ball wid it an’ you got to wipe yerself wid dat. Dat’s ’ow she showed me.”
936.53.4
Buyer Beware
8. How much money do you think the golf industry generates annually in the United States (in US dollars)?
a) 5 billion.
b) 10 billion.
c) More than 15 billion.
d) Why isn’t the question about the golf industry in Canada?
e) I don’t know, let’s say C.
937.69.8
Survey/Women
“Me, every time I go to a meeting, I start colouring in de holes in de letters on de pages dey hands out. Only just de circles, mind you, like de o an’ de b an’ de like.”
“That’s most likely a fear of the void.”
“Is dat right! An’ ’ere was I tinking ’twas only a way to pass de time!”
938.141.2
Obsessions
9. The average score of a round of golf hasn’t changed for 20 years. What do you think, that average score is?
a) 87.
b) 97.
c) 107.
d) 117.
e) 127.
939.62.9
Survey/Men
Terry would have liked to explain to Étienne and Chico, since they were on the subject, that there are fundamental differences between men and women, and that the amount of toilet paper judged necessary to wipe oneself was one of them. But he did not want to be instilling fixed notions in the boys, so Terry limited himself to adding:
“If you go an’ use too much, you might be blockin’ de toilet.”
940.53.5
Buyer Beware
Ultimate inference: not including singular successes, the most popular authors cited in La Bibliothèque idéale are those whose name begins with the letter b. As for the works that gained the most favour, either the first word of the title begins with c — which includes tales (contes), correspondences, and notebooks (carnets de bord) — or the title announces a story or journal.
941.48.12
Inferences
“Also depends on the tickness o’ de paper, doesn’t i
t. Sometimes de paper’s ticker. Like when Carmen does de shoppin’. Dose times, you need even less.”
As one thing tends to lead to another, Étienne asked Chico:
“’Ave you ever drunk de water from de toilet?”
The idea revolted Chico.
“Naw! Yuk!”
But the question did not go unnoticed by Terry.
“’Ow ’bout you, Étienne, you ever drink it?”
“No . . .”
Terry detected a slight hesitation.
“Only, Antoine says you can.”
Obviously, Étienne was not about to admit that he had already gotten Marianne to drink some, and that she was none the worse for wear.
“Is dat right, den? So ee’s drunk some, ’as ee?”
That was a question Étienne had never asked himself; he’d assumed that Antoine was speaking from personal experience.
“Yes.”
942.53.6
Buyer Beware
The roles of the acute accent and the grave accent have also been modified. In general, the grave accent now replaces the acute. The words céleri, sécheresse, and crémerie, for example, become cèleri, sècheresse, and crèmerie. The same is true for some conjugations of verbs in the future and conditional tenses: je céderai becomes je cèderai, j’abrégerais becomes j’abrègerais.
943.77.7
Grammar
“And der’s a stream, an’ dat’s kinda nice.”
At that moment Pomme suddenly appeared without either of them having seen him approach.
944.63.11
Terry and Zed
9. The average score of a round of golf hasn’t changed for 20 years. What do you think, that average score is?
a) 97.
b) 107.
c) 117.
d) I’m perfectly happy with my score.
e) I find this question indiscrete.
945.69.9
Survey/Women
“Where does de toilet water go anyways? Wid de shite an’ all.”
Terry interpreted Chico’s question as a positive sign that the boy was gradually overcoming his shyness.
For Sure Page 39
