“Same place as de water from the sink. All de dirty water goes down to de same place. Dey call it waste water. De water from de toilet, de dish water, water from washin’ vegetables, de laundry water, yer bat’ water, all of it goes down in de same place.”
“Granny puts de water from de vegetables in her flowers.”
“Yeah, dat’s wot de smarter folks do.”
Chico felt another surge of pride, which even Étienne noticed.
“Waste water runs down in de pipes in de ground. You seen dem pipes when dey digs up de street. Well, dose pipes take de dirty water to a cleanin’ factory. In a whole lot of countries, dat’s how dey do it. Only all dat costs a terrible lot o’ money. Dat’s why dey don’t want us wastin’ water no more.”
Now that they were on the subject, Terry decided he might as well exhaust it.
“Come over ’ere an’ I’ll show youse someting.”
The two boys were reticent to abandon their paper-strip cutting.
“Come on den, it’ll only take a minute.”
Étienne and Chico got up less than enthusiastically, and followed Terry.
946.53.7
Buyer Beware
Straight arrow.
947.127.4
Tactics
Transcription (in Carmen’s handwriting) on the back of a guarantee (expired) for a Sylvania vertical fan. The faded ink along the folds in the paper suggests a heavy cycle in the washing machine. The imprint (sole of an Adidas?) dates back to a recent rainy day, when, unbeknownst to Terry, the slip of paper fell as he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket to pay for gas.
Cream of Pumpkin Sauce (Ludmilla)
± 2 cups of peeled pumpkin cubes (2 cm)
1 medium-sized onion, thinly sliced
3 cups of chicken broth
1/2 cup of cold butter, in pieces
3/4 cup of cream (15 or 18 %)
1 cup of small cubes of ham
garlic croutons (2 large handfuls)
3 tbsps of olive oil
chives
salt and pepper
— sweat the onion in a thick-bottom-pan (low heat, until the onion becomes transparent) in 2 tbsps of olive oil.
— add pumpkin and sweat pumpkin (5 min.).
— add the chicken broth and salt lightly (to taste).
— allow to simmer 30 min., until the pumpkin is easy to prick.
— remove from stove and blend, adding chunks of butter.
— add cream and blend some more.
— salt and pepper (to taste).
— pour the hot sauce over ham cubes in the tureen and drop croutons on top.
— garnish with a pinch of chives and a dash of olive oil.
948.131.7
Parenthesi(e)s
In certain regions of Acadia, a hog is a trailer hitch mount that has the advantage of reducing the weight for the pulling vehicle. The mechanism with integrated torsion is composed of a large metal bar, chains, a shaft, and various other elements, and looks surprisingly similar to a pig.
949.129.8
Fantasies
“Yes?”
“Hullo. I’s volunteerin’ wid de Red Cross. We’s collectin’ money an’ household tings like furniture or dishes to help de folks in de apartment building wot burned down last week.”
Élizabeth had heard about the fire.
“We leaves a sheet wid ya dat explains de details of wot you can do if you got someting to donate.”
Élizabeth took the sheet, scanned it rapidly.
“Der’s a phone number right der, in case you’s got questions.”
“Can I donate money?”
The volunteer seemed surprised by the question.
Élizabeth felt as though she had to justify herself.
“I don’t really have all that many things I don’t need.”
The volunteer craned his neck to catch a glimpse of the apartment.
“Awh, you only just moved in, is dat it den?”
“No . . .”
“Awh no?”
950.49.5
Élizabeth II
10. How much time to give yourself to find a lost ball?
a) No more than 5 minutes.
b) 5 to 10 minutes.
C) 10 to 15 minutes.
d) I never look for a lost ball.
e) I never lose my balls.
951.62.10
Survey/Men
Terry placed a chair in front of the kitchen sink.
“Alright den, get up on dat chair, boat of youse.”
Chico climbed up on the chair, but Étienne remained where he was, because he’d been told many times not to play standing on the kitchen chairs.
“You as well, Étienne, go on.”
Still of two minds about the situation, Étienne finally acquiesced.
“Alright den. Now, I’m gonna give you each a glass.”
Terry handed each of them a glass.
“Now pour yerselves some water, as doh you’d just come in from outside an’ you was terrible tirsty. Do just wot you always do when yer tirsty.”
Étienne and Chico ran water from the tap to fill their glasses.
“Alright den. Now drink de water like you always do.”
The boys thought the exercise was weird, but they did as they were told and drank.
“All done are we?”
Yes, they were done. Terry took back both glasses.
“Looks like Étienne only drank tree moutfulls, an’ Chico maybe four. So now, normally, you’d be pourin’ de rest of dis ’ere water into de sink, right?”
The two boys agreed.
“Well, dat water, clean doh it is an’ good to drink, it’ll take tree years afore it comes back in the tap.”
Étienne and Chico weren’t sure they’d understood.
“Takes tree years fer de water dat goes down dat hole to come back into our kitchen clean. Tree whole years.”
?!
“On account of even doh it’s not all dat dirty, de water’s still gotta go all de way to the purification plant to get cleaned again, just in case one o’ youse might be walkin’ around wid a cold or some such ting. After dat, I figures it has to go troo some sort o’ giant strainers to get rid of all de tons o’ scraps dat’s floatin’ around. An den de water’s gotta sit der in a big basin, perfectly still, so dat any wee bits o’ stuff de strainers missed’ll sink down to de bottom, an’ den dey check fer any bad chemicals in de water, an’ dey add der own good chemicals, an’ den dey test again to be sure dey didn’t put too much in . . . an’ only after all dat, dey can pour dat water back into clean pipes under de ground.”
Terry could see in the boys’ eyes that the purification process was still ongoing in their minds.
“Alright den, you can trow dat water left in yer glasses now.”
Étienne and Chico exchanged a hesitant glance.
“Luh! ’Tisn’t all dat easy to waste de water now you knows how it all works, is it?”
952.53.8
Buyer Beware
10. How much time to give yourself to find a lost ball?
a) I hate to lose a ball.
b) One lost, two found!
c) I like the underbrush.
d) I hate the underbrush.
e) At least 10 minutes.
953.69.10
Survey/Women
“Wid me, it’s flossin’ me teet. Don’t know how to say flossin’ in French . . .”
“Passer la soie dentaire?”
“Dat’s it, soie dentaire. I gots to do it tree, four times a day, or else . . .”
“Or else wot?”
“Or else she tinks she’s gonna starve. After all, it’s
a meal all in itself.
(Laughter greets the play of homonyms)
“I don’t get it.”
“Soie dentaire is dental floss and soi means itself. De floss is a meal in itself!”
“Class, Class! Please!
“Sorry, Miss, I couldn’t help it. Fer once, a joke makes more sense in French dan it do in English.”
954.141.7
Obsessions
Lacan thought of the human being as composed of “layers” of identity which, at one time, led him to compare the ego to an onion.
955.38.4
Onions
Étienne and Chico had taken up their miniature cars. They would have preferred to continue cutting up strips of toilet paper, but Terry explained that it was time to move on to another far more complicated stage:
“Now I got to do some multiplication and division. ’Ave you learned how to do dat in school yet, Chico?”
“De teacher knows how.”
“Does she now? An’ is she keepin’ it to ’erself?”
The idea that the teacher was keeping things she knew to herself made Chico laugh. Terry liked to hear Chico laugh.
956.53.9
Buyer Beware
Examination for Electroacoustic Music course (MUSI 4302): Describe the possible organization of the 22 musical operations essential to basic self-pollination of an electroacoustic work. Do not forget to indicate the emergence of the indicator (efficiency factor) and to determine the speed at which the work moves toward its own conclusion (repato, repepato, repepotato, etc.).
957.32.7
Exam Questions
“Too high. I shoulda used me seven.”
. . .
“It does smell wonderful nice, eh, right after de lawn mowin’, don’t it?”
. . .
“Did you know dat de Acadian word harbe isn’t such a bad word for grass as all dat?”
. . .
“In long ago France, when dey was takin’ de animals out to pasture fer grazin’, dey used to say “mettre les animaux à l’harbe.”
. . .
“An’ don’t dat make perfect sense? Why would Acadians be startin’ to say harbe instead o’ herbe all of a sudden? Folks don’t go changin’ der ways just like dat fer nutting,* now do dey?”
* To say “fer nutting,” a Chiac speaker might use the word e-rien, which is a deformed contraction of the phrase un rien meaning “a trifle.” The word e-rien has nothing whatsoever to do with digital neologisms, such as email, e-com, Ebay, and so on, but there’s no reason e-rien can’t take advantage of these new terms to establish itself. Not unlike the way Roman Catholics long ago took advantage of the Saturnalia festival to celebrate Christmas.
960.143.8
Varia
“Dat’s de troot.”
958.59.6
Knowledge
Shepherd’s pie (mashed potatoes). Rice and spinach (rice). Soup (ham bone, beef bone, pumpkin). Spaghetti sauce. Ratatouille (frozen). Frozen parsley, basil, chives. Strawberries. Rhubarb. Lobster? Bottled mackerel (Redge’s recipe). Black cherry coulis. Jam and muffins with sugarleaf.
959.42.7
Sorting
11. Did you know that a third of all new golf balls sold in the United States are actually old balls retrieved from water hazards and repainted?
a) Yes, I knew that.
b) Nothing surprises me anymore.
c) No, I did not know that. I’ll fish out my own balls from now on.
d) Canada should close its borders to American golf balls.
e) Canadians are not any more honest than Americans.
961.62.11
Survey/Men
When his calculations were done, Terry sat the boys down to present his conclusions:
“First off, de squares are exactly de size dat’s written on de package. See ’ere, wot’s written under de wee kittens: 9.9 centimetres by 10.1 centimetres. Well, I measured one o’ de squares out o’ dis pack to see if it were true.”
Terry did not merely explain; he demonstrated:
“You take de ruler like so, an’ you measure just so: 9.9 centimetres by 10.1 centimetres exactly.”
Étienne and Chico approved.
“An’ den I did de same wid a square from de clouds pack, an’ a square from the lambs pack, an’ all de measurements’re right.”
Étienne and Chico believed him.
“Alright den. Now second ting we did was counted up de squares in a roll from each sort, an’ der again, we get de same number o’ squares dat’s written on each packet: de wee kittens has 198 squares in a roll, an’ de clouds has 187, an’ de lambs, 185. Dat means wedder de paper’s one, two, or tree layers tick, de number of layers don’t change de number of squares in de roll. Got it?”
The two boys nodded. Terry chuckled to himself to see how seriously they were paying attention.
“De tird ting we’s wantin’ to know is which of all dese sorts is deliverin’ more fer our money. Well, to know dat we has to figure how much each roll o’ toilet paper costs. De wee kittens ’ere costs 35 cents a roll. De clouds o’er ’ere, well dey cost 41 cents a roll. An’ de little lambs cost 39 cents a roll. Only not one o’ dese brands has got de same size squares, or de same numbers o’ squares. An’ de worst ting is de tickness. Look ’ere now. Dis one ’ere has got two layers, only she’s a whole lot fluffier dan de kittens dat’s got tree . . .”
Neither Étienne nor Chico had ever imagined that the products on store shelves could contain so many nuances.
“So all dat means we gotta take de tickness of de paper into account as well. How I done dat is I weighed a roll of each sort of toilet paper, on account of it’s near impossible to measure de tickness of anyting as tin as a square o’ toilet paper. To do dat a fellow’d need precision tools, which we don’t ’ave. Only before I weighed dem, I took out de cardboard in de middle, on account of we don’t wipe ourselves wid de cardboard, now do we?”
Just as Terry expected, Étienne and Chico giggled at the idea of wiping themselves with the cardboard centre of a toilet paper roll.
“Well, all de weighin’ an’ calculatin’ ends up dat the little lambs toilet paper weighs de least. An’ on account of de little lambs squares was de smallest, an’ dey wasn’t de least expensive, I eliminated dem. An’ dat means dose little lambs’re not de ones we ought to be buyin’.”
Étienne and Chico seemed relieved that all their work had finally provided a concrete result.
962.53.10
Buyer Beware
11. Did you know that a third of all new golf balls sold in the United States are actually old balls retrieved from water hazards and repainted?
a) No, I had no idea.
b) Someone had a clever idea.
c) I am in favour of recycling.
d) Canadians are not any more honest than Americans.
e) This survey is racist.
963.69.11
Survey/Women
Always that distant past retreating further and further into history to which Élizabeth was often recalled:
“Pelletier? The Pelletiers from Madawaska?”
Acadians often questioned her about her origins.
“No, they’re from Ontario.”
Élizabeth could not get used to the manner in which the past here was not merely a useful concept, but rather a work in progress and a condition, a rock upon which one could gain a foothold.
“From Sudbury?”
964.93.12
Time
“No, from Hearst. It’s further north.”
“Awh. On account of I knowed a Pelletier hailed from Hearst . . .”
The Other is irreducible.
965.138.10
The Other
“Now we’ve still got de wee kittens and de clouds — an’ here’s where we finds out just ’ow important ’tis to do proper testin’! — on account of de cardboard in de clouds roll weighs more dan de cardboard in de wee kittens roll. In udder words, if a fellow’d gone an’ done de test widout removin’ de carboard core, ee’d ’ave got de wrong result! Anyhow, dat’s someting you’ll most likely be learnin’ in school; I’m only showin’ ya now in case dey fall behind in de program an’ decide to skip o’er dis part.”
“Dad! Yer sayin’ too many words in English!”
Terry was stunned. Of course, he realized he’d said “in other words,” “anyhow,” and “skip over” in English.
“Yer right, my son. Sometimes it just comes out like dat, an’ I can’t seem to help meself.”
Chico couldn’t see the harm in using English words.
“We say English words all de time.”
Terry tried to explain:
“Sure, an’ we do too. Only we try to say as many French words as we can.”
“On account of?”
Terry sought a simple answer.
“Well, on account we’s French, aren’t we?”
“Awh.”
966.53.11
Buyer Beware
The Académie française’s recent grammatical changes are logical. For example, to write bonhommie with two m’s rather than one makes sense since the word homme, from which the former is derived, contains two m’s; combattivité with two t’s is consistent with combattre; and charriot with two r’s, as in charrette. Similarly, the Académie has dropped the last i in words like joaillier, quincaillier since this last i is silent. Hence, joailler, quincailler, etc. Also, we may now drop the i in oignon. The result is we have ognon, as the Acadians have always pronounced it.
967.77.8
Grammar
“Once upon a time, a king sent word throughout his kingdom that he would give his daughter’s hand in marriage to whomever managed to make her cry, because his daughter the princess had never in all her life shed a single tear.”
For Sure Page 40
