The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  Couples Exercises

  Now that you’ve taken a good look at yourself, it’s time to turn that same discerning eye toward your partner and your relationship. Do you have a clear understanding of one another’s attitudes and feelings about this issue? Are you in total agreement, total disagreement, or somewhere in between? Have your discussions to date brought you closer together or driven you farther apart?

  The next few exercises may start some meaningful conversations.

  A. Ring of Power

  Couples establish their own style of communicating and decision-making. Over the years, that style becomes a habit, and even when it’s no longer effective, partners may not be willing or able to examine or change it. If you and your loved one are stymied about the baby question, perhaps it’s time to take a good hard look at your style.

  How do the two of you make other important decisions?

  Each person has equal weight; the couple decides together.

  Whoever feels more strongly about the issue makes the decision.

  One partner usually makes the decisions about salary and money; the other makes the decisions about house and family.

  One partner usually makes most of the decisions, and the other, while challenging the choices, eventually agrees.

  Are you both still satisfied with your decision-making style? Will it work for this particular decision? If not, why? Asking the power question may be scary, but answering it may be necessary before you can go on to the baby question.

  This is an important question for three reasons. The first is that you will want to make sure that both of you have your full say in the decision. The second is that if you or your partner is unhappy with the balance of power, that balance is something worth changing regardless of the choice you make. Sharing the power is an important ingredient in most good relationships. Third, it’s important to talk about how you will share responsibilities and decisions if you decide to have a child. For instance, if one of you believes in discipline and the other is laissez-faire, how would you work this out? If a woman wants to be the major decision-maker in her child’s life but her partner wants an equal voice, you would need to have a fair way of resolving this.

  For most couples, power in general, and decision-making power in particular, is extremely resistant to change. It will be easier to work on this with a professional therapist than on your own.

  B. “Are You the Person I Married?”

  In view of all the uncertainty in modern life, most of us like to feel that we can count on our partners to honor their commitments. When we marry, we sincerely believe the promises we make to our beloved. But as we grow older and learn more about ourselves, we may change our minds. On minor issues, this generally isn’t a problem, but on major issues, like the baby question, a sudden reversal can result in a major crisis. Partners are understandably furious when mates who agreed with them on the baby issue years ago change their minds. And they’re quite likely to feel guilty if they’re the ones whose mind changed.

  Take a moment now to recall some of the talks you had before you got married. Did you and your partner discuss children? Did you agree or disagree? Have either of you changed your mind since then?

  If there has been a change, try not to be too hard on yourself or your partner. Although you may be tempted to hurl accusations at one another, bear in mind that life decisions must reflect your situation and frame of mind at that moment. A decision made at age twenty-five simply may not be the right decision at thirty or thirty-five. Don’t waste your time blaming each other. Sit down together and try to figure out how the change came about. Has either of you gotten to know yourself better, discovered your deep inner feelings about children, or come to see alternatives that seemed impossible years ago?

  Also, keep in mind that there are varying shades of disagreement. A partner who agreed to have three children and now won’t even consider one is obviously different from the partner who in the past made the same agreement but now asks, “What about having just one?” This is not as drastic a change as, “I want to be childfree.”

  Even if your partner’s current position has changed drastically, don’t panic. Try to get the whole story. Then you won’t waste your breath trying to talk your partner out of something he or she is only tentatively bringing up. And even if your partner’s new position is hard to take, you will have to give it a fighting chance as you work on your decision. (See Chapter 6, “Tug of War” for advice for negotiating.)

  C. Fifty-Fifty

  Even when couples work on the decision together, women often seem to feel more strongly about it. Maybe this is because a woman assumes that a baby will change her life more than her husband’s. Even in egalitarian marriages in which the couple previously split chores fifty-fifty, the woman usually puts more time and energy into parenthood than her husband does. For instance, a mother more often winds up arranging for child care and tending to a sick child. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild called this “The Second Shift” in her book of that title originally published in 1989. Unfortunately, her most recent studies reported, in her 2012 book of the same title, that this is still the case. This can happen for many reasons, but here are two common ones: Before the baby, both men and women usually work full-time, but after the baby, the man, whose salary is often higher, works more hours and spends less time at home. Another reason this happens is that if you grew up in a home with a breadwinner father and a child-rearing mother, both of you may unconsciously slip into these traditional roles once you become parents.

  Close your eyes and imagine how your workloads might change if you had a baby. Could one or both of you trim some time off your workweek? If one of you stayed home, how would that affect your relationship? If neither of you can gear down, how will you manage the new workload at home? Would one of you be more interested in having a child if your partner seemed more willing to actively participate in child care?

  Don’t make the mistake of saying, “We’ll deal with this after the baby comes,” because it’s possible that the baby shouldn’t come at all if your expectations of each other are in conflict. If you are confident you want to have a child together but your horns are locked, see a psychotherapist or counselor for help to make a plan you can live with.

  D. Family Sculpture

  Here, you and your partner will each have a turn at creating a “living” sculpture—your own portrayal of life as a childfree couple and as parents. It’s your chance to be an artist, and the only “materials” you’ll need are yourself, your partner, and a doll or a small rolled-up blanket. When it’s your turn, place your loved one, yourself, and the doll anywhere you like in the room to express your view of your family. You can also bring in additional props to complete the sculpture if you wish.

  To depict the childfree choice, Pam placed herself on the sofa with her husband Dale in a relaxed, cuddly embrace. To depict the parenting lifestyle, she placed herself and Dale in separate chairs with their backs to each other, the doll naked and forlorn on the floor between them.

  To make his childfree sculpture, Stan pushed back all the furniture to create a feeling of emptiness. He placed himself and Gloria in the middle of the empty room, each slouching down. For the parenting sculpture, he brought Gloria to a neighbor child’s brightly colored bedroom. Gloria, the doll, and he were all on the floor, grinning as they rolled a ball to each other.

  Although you can fantasize the sculpture, actually arranging it is even more effective. Even if you and your partner seem to be headed in the same direction, your sculptures are bound to be different. Discussion of these differences may be helpful, especially if you can tell your partner how it felt to be part of all four sculptures.

  You could also try to make an “indecision” sculpture. Divide a room in half by laying down a tape measure. Let each half of the room delineate one of the choices. Try placing one foot on each side of the line and notice any thoughts or feelings. What happens if you put both feet on the childfree side? If you put bo
th on the child’s side? Is there a side that feels more balanced?

  These couple exercises will probably spark some interesting discussions. For instance, if your sculptures showed completely different guesses about what your relationship would be like as a childfree or parenting couple, tell each other about the experiences or knowledge that led to the sculpture. If your partner changed her mind, how do each of you feel about this? You might want to learn more about each choice and see if you can find a choice you both could live with. Or if this doesn’t work, see a psychotherapist.

  Checklist: Are You Ready for Parenthood?

  I am excited about bringing a child into my life, even if it sometimes scares me.

  I/we have a good support system of family and/or friends.

  Even if finances are difficult, we have a safe, adequate place to live. We have the ability to provide our child with basics such as food, clothing, and medical care.

  I can protect my child from harm by keeping him away from violent or abusive people, including family members.

  I am willing to seek medical care and counseling for my child when needed.

  I am in reasonably good health. If I have a chronic illness, it is well-managed with medicine and/or self-care.

  I am relatively happy and mentally healthy. I am not so anxious or depressed that I am unable to care for myself, work, and be in a relationship. I know how to control and deal with my anger without lashing out verbally or physically.

  I understand that even happy, healthy children have moments of irrationality, tantrums, rage or fear. In the first year of life I know that I will be faced with crying jags, wet and dirty diapers and interrupted sleep.

  I do not try to deny problems with a stiff upper lip or false cheeriness or unrealistic beliefs that I can make anything happen. I can acknowledge my own and other’s suffering, and deal with these with caring and compassion. I could therefore be present with my child even during bad moods, which are part of life. I understand that respecting my child’s moods is an important part of her self-esteem and learning to cope. Even though correction, discipline and moral education are crucial, I have a sense that I can accept the child and correct the behavior. If I am in a relationship, I can accept and empathize with my partner’s suffering.

  If I had a difficult or abusive childhood, I have had therapy that healed me enough to enjoy life more and feel more in control. My therapist and I both believe that I have healed enough to be able to enjoy parenting and do it well.

  I am capable of apologizing, giving sincere compliments, and negotiating.

  I do not assume that I can mold a child according to my desires and expectations. I am interested and curious in the personality and interests my child will turn out to have as her own person.

  I am comfortable with physical affection such as hugs and gentle touch.

  If I/we are disappointed in our child or in parenthood, we know that some of this is normal and would seek support from family or friends as well as therapy.

  Even if my partner would have preferred to be childfree, he/she finds enough that is attractive about parenting, in addition to pleasing me, that he/she is ready to make these sacrifices.

  I am not addicted to alcohol, drugs (including prescription drugs), sex, gambling, or spending. If these have been a problem in the past, I have been free of this for a few years and am under the care of a doctor, mental health professional and/or a twelve-step group I attend regularly.

  (If in a relationship): My partner and I enjoy each other’s company most of the time. We are able to disagree and resolve conflicts. We do not experience uncontrollable anger, violence or days or weeks of silence. We are not isolated, but have friends or family or community groups we spend time with.

  If there are items on the checklist that you can’t answer yes, to, consider if there are ways to work on this problem before becoming a parent. If you and your partner disagree about whether any of the above issues are a problem, see a therapist or other professional such as a pastoral counselor to sort this out.

  Ilene, happily married and childfree, has a boss, an enthusiastic father of three, who can’t understand why she doesn’t want kids. He bombards her with family pictures.

  When Kenny and Nan told their best friend George that they were trying for pregnancy George tried to change their minds.

  Barry and Michelle, parents of a seven-year-old, feel that they’re too busy to care for another child. But their parents keep telling them that Briana will grow up selfish, lonely and miserable unless they give her a brother or sister.

  Twenty-eight-year-old Diane is in her first year of a grueling MBA program. She barely has time to grab five hours of sleep or gobble a slice of pizza with her husband. She had to order her mother to stop sending her articles about fertility decline.

  Family and friends. They sweet-talk us and soft-soap us. They are the pushy people in our lives, and they are SURE that we should or shouldn’t become parents. We may be uncertain, but they are not. They believe they’ve been sent from heaven to save us from a wrong choice, but to us, their halos look strangely like horns.

  All the people described above are emotionally healthy, independent adults. They don’t care if somebody else thinks they should sell their home, apply for a new job, or save more money. So why are they so shaken by baby-related pressures? Because the pressures are internal as well as external.

  Pressure from family and friends is hard to ignore because it acts like a magnet, bringing our own doubts and fears to the surface. Every time these key people voice an objection, we hear a corresponding echo: Will our lives be ruined? Will we lose our friends? Are we really being selfish? Will our parents forgive us for disappointing them?

  Does this mean that you’re doomed to suffer in silence, that you’ll never feel “right” about your decision unless you banish the meddler from your life? Not at all. This chapter will show you what’s behind their pressure tactics, how to handle well-meaning busybodies and manipulative meddlers, and how you can sometimes even turn such pressure to your own advantage.

  A note of caution: If your parents were abusive, hurtful, or untrustworthy, the techniques below are unlikely to help. Avoiding such parents entirely or changing the subject if they bring up parenthood may be your best options. A few psychotherapy sessions or journal writing may help you cope with any comments they make on the subject. If you are out of contact with them, you certainly won’t want to include them in your decision-making process.

  You Can Go Home Again

  You are in your twenties or thirties, you have a good job, a happy marriage, and a home of your own. You are your own boss, an adult who is ready, willing, and able to take responsibility for your life and make your own decisions. Or are you? Why, then, is it so difficult for you to imagine telling your parents that you’ve decided not to have a baby? Why are you tempted to avoid the discussion altogether, even to the point of visiting them less often? Why, if you’re leaning toward the childfree choice, are you beginning to think that perhaps you are making a mistake, that you really won’t be happy unless you have a child?

  Although, in most cases, parents push for grandchildren, there are parents who take the opposite view. Some fear that their children will be unhappy as parents. Others don’t want to be confronted with their own aging. And some mothers, especially if their own career aspirations were thwarted, take vicarious pleasure in their daughters’ achievements and fear that a baby will ruin their daughter’s career success. Also, parents who had you when they were young may be unaware of the feasibility of pregnancy or adoptive parenting in your late thirties or beyond.

  It’s entirely natural to want the approval and understanding of those you love and respect, particularly your parents. After all, you spent years trying to please them and basking in their praise. But, at a certain point, you have to separate from your parents and carve out your own identity as an independent adult whose decisions reflect your needs, not theirs. Murray Bowen,
Georgetown University psychiatrist and a family therapy pioneer, called this process individuation, a way of coming to terms with one’s parents, not by escaping, rebelling, or giving in to them, but by separating one’s identity from theirs while maintaining a close relationship.

  All of us want to relate to our parents as adults, but getting there can be difficult and threatening. It involves time, effort, and honest communication. It means that we have to accept responsibility for ourselves and give up the illusion that someone else will take care of us. And it means that our relationship with our parents will invariably change—and change, no matter how desirable, is always somewhat frightening. So, rather than risk such change, many people take the easy way out and handle parental pressure by giving in, running away, or rebelling. In fact, the decision itself can be a form of rebellion, as the following stories indicate.

  Alan’s parents are dying to become grandparents, and his only sibling isn’t married. But Alan is furious at his parents for a number of reasons, and even though he and his wife eventually plan to have children, he deliberately wants to postpone the pregnancy just to get back at them. He doesn’t want to hear, “I told you so.” Nor does he want his parents to claim responsibility for a decision he worked hard to make with his wife.

  Kathleen, a highly successful businesswoman who travels a lot, is angry because her parents keep telling her not to have a baby unless she quits her job. They predict that she’ll lose her husband, neglect her child, or both. Although she and Brian are planning to be childfree she enjoys revenge fantasies of getting pregnant just to prove them wrong.