Suburban Cyborg

by Gloria Martin

  “My wife is funny,” Brent said affronted.

  “Brenda? No, she’s not. She’s cute, not funny,” Mark said.

  “My wife is hilarious. Just last night she—”

  “No one cares, Brent,” Curtis said, throwing a pickle at Brent.

  “At least he has a wife. Isn’t Lisa leaving you?” Mark asked, raising an eyebrow at Donte.

  “No, she’s just crazy. She doesn’t like me working so many shifts, but we have three kids! Damn, I should be working on putting out a fire right now,” Donte said, sucking his teeth.

  “Brenda’s hassling me for kids, but I’m still part time. Ain’t no way in hell we can have kids right now,” Brent said.

  Curtis zoned out as the men complained. Truthfully, Curtis wanted kids. He was thirty and by now he really thought he would be married with kids. He had not dated in a few years since he and his ex, Tammy, broke up. To make it worse Tammy was married with twins. If Mark got married to his mystery girl before Curtis, he was sure he would die alone.

  *****

  Jessica

  Jessica shook her hair loose from her messy bun. She had just gotten back from yoga, and as usual she had finished her latte before she got up the four flights of stairs leading to her apartment. She could hear her roommate Cynthia was cleaning because Reggaeton was blasting in the stairwell.

  “Roomie!” Jessica yelled, keying into the industrial-style two bedroom apartment.

  “Oh hey!” Cynthia yelled, turning down her iPhone.

  “Jesus, is that hooked up to the TV?” Jessica asked.

  “I had the electronic guy come over and set it up. Isn’t it amazing?”

  Cynthia beamed a toothy white smile, nodding her head. Her thick black curls bounced on her head as she bobbed to the end of the song.

  “House looks good,” Jessica said, dropping her bag on the ground.

  “I saved the dishes for you,” Cynthia said, winking.

  “Oh, great. Hey, random not-related question, have you ever dated a fireman before?”

  Cynthia whipped around and stared at Jessica with a mischievous smile playing on her face.

  “Um, what? Jessica Lynn, did you meet a man?”

  “Yes, I mean no. I mean, maybe?”

  “Yes! What’s his name and when should I not be at the apartment?”

  Jessica rolled her eyes and sat at the metallic kitchen island. It was spotless now. Unlike earlier when Jessica had scraps of construction paper and gooey globs of dried Elmer’s glue everywhere. Jessica was an elementary school teacher and Cynthia, her best friend since college, taught advanced placement Spanish at the neighboring high school.

  “It’s not that serious. He’s a meathead to say the least.”

  Jessica scoffed and picked a banana from a fruit bowl.

  “Meatheads make good fucks.”

  “Cynthia Delgado!”

  “What? We’re grown-ups and you haven’t had sex since college. Jesus you’re thirty-two not dead.”

  Jessica ignored Cynthia and focused on her fruit instead. Though, Cynthia was right. Jessica dove into her career head first securing a full-time job with benefits in her field but something was missing. It was not that she needed a man, but she wanted one. She wanted a man she could build a life with and have children. While she loved Cynthia like a sister, Jessica was ready to forge her own path, hopefully with a husband and kids. Though something about the fireman told her he was more interested in making love not making babies.

  “Hello, earth to Jess? Did you give him your number?”

  “Huh? No, I don’t want to make it too easy. Plus, he’s not the relationship type.”

  “So what?”

  “So what! My biological clock sounds like Big Ben. I can’t just mess around with dumb guys like I’m still in college. To be honest, I don’t even have the energy.”

  “Then drink a Red Bull. Stop letting society or your parents pressure you into marrying some generic guy. If you like him date him, sleep with him or don’t. Just let it be your choice. I don’t judge, so do what you’ve got to do, honey.”

  Jessica thought for a moment, biting her bottom lip in concentration. He was gorgeous and in great shape. She could tell he was the kind of guy that was used to women fawning over him. It took all of her self-control not to start drooling when he smiled at her in line at the coffee shop, but she did her best. After all, she wanted him to know she would not make it that easy. Jessica was no pushover and even with men she drove a hard bargain.

  “I know. I know. He’s so hot, it’s ridiculous. He said his name was Mark. I’m going to sit with him and have coffee tomorrow. If he’s not a psychopath or a stalker, I’ll give him my number.”

  Cynthia pursed her lips and tilted her head to the side, but then nodded like she was on board with the plan.

  “Fine, but don’t go looking for flaws in him.”

  “I won’t. I’m gonna shower. Want me to make lunch? I’ll go to the grocery store after I wash up.”

  “Um, yes please. Yeah there’s no food here. I hate grocery shopping. I can clean, but you know I can’t boil water without burning down the building. Maybe I should. Then we both can have firemen.”

  “First off, grocery stores are super peaceful. And second, I don’t have a fireman, technically. I don’t even know him, let alone own him.”

  “But you will, Jess. I can tell it’s about to get very interesting around here. And it’s about time.”

  *****

  Curtis

  As Curtis expected, Mark was talking about bailing on his date. Mark had his day off which coincidently was the same day off as Curtis’ tomorrow. Curtis shook his head as Mark laid prostrate on the couch watching sports highlights and balancing a bowl of Cheetos on his stomach.

  “You can’t just meet her for coffee tomorrow and tell her yourself?” Curtis said, grumbling.

  “Nah, man. You guys had me thinking and she had that look in her eyes, you know?” Mark said, munching on the snacks.

  “What look?”

  “You know, the marriage-look in her eyes. She is the type who wants to be a soccer mom.”

  “And what’s wrong with that? What am I even saying? I shouldn’t even be entertaining you and your crazy theories. There is no way you can look at a woman and just tell what she wants. If that was the case half of us wouldn’t be so fucking confused,” Curtis said, grabbing his truck keys.

  “I’m not confused. I’m a happy man.”

  “Yeah right. I know you, Mark. You’re just scared you’ll like her.”

  Mark went silent for a second, but then his face went flat. He was clearly aiming for impassiveness and failing. Curtis wanted to dig in and really drive this home. It was mainly for selfish reasons because Curtis was tired of living with him. Mark did not do anything wrong. Well, nothing more wrong than the usual, like skimping out on chores and forgetting to pay the electric bill, but Curtis wanted to be a normal grown-up. He was not getting any younger and if Mark did not have a reason to move out, Curtis knew Mark would nail his feet to their three-bedroom loft for all eternity.

  “Whatever, man. Where you going anyway?” Mark asked, sitting up and brushing crumbs off of his broad chest.

  “The store. We need milk and I need to pick up some beer if I have to listen to your bullshit all night.”

  Curtis stormed out before Mark could dish out one of his patented excuses. Curtis cranked up his Ford 250 truck and sped off towards Whole Foods. Already he was feeling better just by getting some distance from Mark.

  Curtis sped off to the grocery store, banishing all thoughts of Mark and going through a mental list of what he needed from the grocery store. He parked next to silver Honda Accord and noticed a beautiful red headed girl pushing an overflowing grocery cart in his direction. He almost hit the Honda, staring at her. She had smooth porcelain skin and was wearing a light blue summer dress. Curtis was not the type to approach a girl in a parking lot, but his mind was racing and he was feeling bolder. He
hopped out of his truck, looking for something to start up a conversation with her. She walked over to the car parked next to his and started loading the stuffed brown paper bags into the trunk. He had to make a move and then he saw his window—the bag broke.

  “Oh no!” the woman yelled as cans poured out from the bottom and spilled onto the parking lot.

  “Let me help,” Curtis said, picking up the cans.

  She mumbled a thank you, picking up the cans when Curtis noticed her looking at the ground and not him. He tried to say something else, but the sound of screeching tires distracted him.

  “Hey watch out!” Curtis yelled, pulling her back by her waist.

  A car going the wrong way in the parking aisle, zipped past them and Curtis could not help but notice the driver was on his phone.

  “Holy shit!” she yelled.

  “Are you okay?” Curtis asked.

  His firefighter senses were kicking in and he was examining her for any injuries. She was breathing heavy and shaking. Her nails were digging into Curtis’ biceps and he could see tears welling up in her eyes.

  “Hey, it’s okay. Can you hear me okay?” Curtis asked in a low and steady voice.

  “I could have died,” she said.

  “But you didn’t. I’m going to stand you up okay?”

  She nodded and then they rose to their feet. Curtis held her at arm’s length and she was a little dirty, but so far she seemed fine.

  “Thank you.”

  “Anytime. You sure you feel okay?”

  “Yeah, just shaken up. That would have be an awful way to go out. Chasing a jar of capers, I mean.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know what that is, but I think we’re on the same page.”

  “It’s some spice that my roommate cooks with. She’s a really good cook. I’m Jessica by the way.”

  “Curt. Sorry about your dress. I think I got a boot print on it,” Curtis said with a nervous laugh.

  “It’s fine. I can buy a new dress. I feel like I should buy you a drink or something.”

  “It’s a little early, but I think I’m off in a few days if you want to let me buy you dinner.”

  She smiled at him and looked down and then back up at him. She really was a beautiful woman and he could see that she had freckles.

  “Okay, Superman. Although the first round is on me, okay?”

  “Superman, huh? Let me get your number. I live around here so maybe we can meet downtown?”

  “Oh, I love Maria Consuela’s! I don’t know if you like spicy food or Latin food, but their tacos are to die for.”

  “Maybe it’s a little too soon to be dying for food.”

  Jessica smiled and tucked her hair behind her ears in a way that Curtis thought made her look adorable.

  “Touché, but it is delicious.”

  “You’re on. If it’s terrible then the second date, I choose.”

  “Second date, huh? How do you know there will be one?” Jessica asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

  “Let’s just say I believe in fate.”

  *****

  Jessica

  Jessica grinned all the way back to her apartment. Somehow the groceries did not even seem as heavy as they usually did when she climbed the stairs. Music was blaring again as Cynthia flung the door open.

  “Let me help. Sorry, you came back earlier than I thought. You should have texted me to come help,” Cynthia said, reaching for the bags.

  “No worries,” Jessica said, shutting the door with her foot.

  “What are you smiling about?” Cynthia asked, putting the groceries on the counter.

  “I didn’t realize I was smiling,” Jessica said, trying to look impassive.

  “Jesus, what happened to your dress, and your knees? Looks like you were in a fight.”

  “I was, with a text and driver. I’m fine though.”

  “Wait, what! Are you hurt?”

  “No, no. I’m fine. There, um, there was guy and he helped me. He pulled me out of the way. It was crazy. I’m still shaking.”

  “Holy shit. Maybe I should start getting the groceries. Wait a second, is this Lancelot the reason you’re smiling?”

  Jessica felt her cheeks got hot.

  “Um, I’m going out to dinner with him in a couple says.”

  “What!” Cynthia said, squealing.

  “Calm down. It’s just a thank you thing. Nothing crazy.”

  “Is he hot?”

  “Um—”

  “That means yes. Ugh, I hate you. Wait, what about coffee shop guy?”

  “Oh, I forgot about him. I mean I’m going there for coffee anyway so it’s no big deal.”

  “Sure it isn’t. I cook dinner for you and you go out to dinner with not one, but two gorgeous guys.”

  “I don’t have two gorgeous guys. I don’t have anyone.”

  “Yeah right. What’s grocery guy’s name?”

  “Curt.”

  “That’s definitely a hot guy name. What’s he do?”

  “We didn’t get that far.”

  “How far did you get?” Cynthia asked, flashing Jessica a wicked smile.

  “Ew, down girl. It was broad daylight in a grocery store parking lot.”

  “I don’t hear a problem with any of those facts.”

  Jessica rolled her eyes and started putting away the groceries.

  “Jess, seriously, which one do you really like? You are not the girl to date two guys without your head exploding from the stress.”

  Jessica pursed her lips as Cynthia handed her cans of black beans for the pantry.

  “Very funny. I honestly don’t know. I was sort of drawn to them for different reasons.”

  “Which one would you sleep with?”

  “That’s not a good way to pick a guy.”

  “It’s still fun though. Ugh, I wish you knew their full names so I could stalk them on the internet.”

  “Thank you for making this less creepy.”

  “Whatever. I guess it doesn’t matter. Guys do this to girls all the freaking time. They will date a bunch of us until basically one of the slew of girls makes him make a decision. I say have fun.”

  “I guess. It’s just I don’t want to waste any time with a guy that won’t be serious.”

  “But you’re curious about sex with coffee shop guy?”

  “Hey! I said no such thing.”

  Cynthia nearly doubled over in laughter.

  “Sorry, you’re so funny. I know you’re thinking it and just embarrassed to say it. You and I have enough female friends that warn us about how they wished they had sex with other people before settling down. God, they all sound like broken records. That’s why guys just give up on good sex when they get married because they are all sexed out.”

  “Thank you for that inspiring speech,” Jessica said sarcastically.

  “I’m just saying. I know out of the both of us you are the most baby crazy, but take a step back and see what your vagina wants.”

  “You sound crazy.”

  “I know, but I’m living vicariously through you so bear with me. I’m thinking on the fly here. Ugh, why can’t I have these kind of problems?”

  Jessica laughed, putting the empty bags in the recycling bin. It was still odd to her for her life to go from serious relationship with a cheating ex-boyfriend to complete datelessness to now two incredible hot, virile males waiting to either date her, sleep with her or hopefully both. It was such a weird change of pace and Cynthia was right. No one ever cared if guys dated ten women at a time, but the minute a woman dated more than one person at a time, she was a slut. It always had to be a secret for women. Jessica crossed her arms picturing both of the handsome faces in front of her. Mark was clearly very carefree, but he seemed fun. Curtis was also handsome in a boy-next-door type of way, but she could see him being a bit more ‘boring.’ Boring could be good, but did she have to settle for boring only? Could she be with both of them and experience what could be the perfect man. One who is responsible and makes you f
eel safe, and the playful, bad boy type. It seemed too good to be true.

  “Uh oh, that look on your face means you are considering something naughty,” Cynthia said, nudging Jessica.

  “Not naughty, just practical.”

  “Practical, huh?”

  “I’m still thinking, but I think I am going to see Mark, the coffee shop guy tomorrow. If he doesn’t show then it was not meant to be.”

  “And if he does?”

  Jessica shrugged and turned to the fridge to grab a bottle of coconut water.

  “Jessica are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?”

  “Maybe. Don’t get ahead of yourself. He has to show up.”

  “Oh, he’ll show up.”

  “How’d you know?”

  “Bad boys love a challenge.”

  *****

  Curtis

  Curtis skipped back to his loft. He could not believe such a perfect woman could live so close to him, practically right under his nose. She was literally only five miles away and a teacher. There was something about her that was such a breath of fresh air compared to the spastic girls he met at clubs. The women at the clubs just fawned over him because he was a fireman. They were obsessed with selfies and social media. He just could not fit in with those girls anymore. He needed more substance.

  “You still on the couch, man?” Curtis asked, slamming the door.

  “Yep. I work forty-eight hours, fighting fires so yes, my ass is not moving for the next twelve hours,” Mark said, popping potato chips in his mouth.

  “I hear you, man. Is the game on?”

  “Yep. We’re losing as usual. God, football has just gone to shit. Our defense is lousy this year – they just sacked the quarterback.”

  “Yeah it looks like a wash out. I’m getting a beer. Want one?”

  “Yep. Hey so I was thinking about coffee shop girl,” Mark said, groaning as he hopped of the couch.

  Curtis fished through the grocery bags and pulled out two beers. He had forgotten about Mark’s potential conquest and the last thing he wanted to deal with was playing wing man for a woman Mark would never ever call again. It was just a waste of time and all he wanted to focus on was making a good impression with Jessica.