by A. m Madden
Would she? I had no confidence whatsoever. Regardless, I said, “If not, well then, maybe it’s time to change that reality.”
Although I meant what I said, he laughed at me. “Yeah, okay. I’ll believe that when I see it. Instead of arguing with you, I should be wrapped around a hot blonde. Adios.” The line went dead, and so did my fucking heart as all the what-ifs consumed me.
Chapter Nine
Riana
April
Two weeks after arriving to Florida and one week after my date with Ryder I was officially a Floridian. The movers Ricky and Cooper hired had handled unpacking all my things from Jersey. Anything new I’d bought had been delivered already. And the professional organizer who showed up that day to properly arrange my kitchen cabinets and storage closets had me sitting on my new comfy couch watching it all unfold like a spectator.
By early evening, Ricky and Cooper were last to appear with delicious Thai takeout. As we enjoyed it around my oh-so-pretty kitchen island, it felt as though I had lived there for months and not merely hours.
Ryder called me often through it all. Turned out he had to travel for a few days to California and felt awful he wasn’t there for my move after offering his help. I assured him the moving company had handled it all. There wasn’t much I needed to do except unpack my clothes and personal things. His response to that was, “I’m sorry I missed helping with the personal things.”
I felt the same… and then I’d remember my situation. I had no one I could talk to about Ryder. Janie would be an enabler and push me into sleeping with him to get it out of my system. Cooper would most definitely focus on the whole fate and destiny thing, while moaning that maybe being his surrogate was a bad idea. And then there was Rebecca, who would encourage me to tell Ryder the truth and have faith he’d be okay with it.
There was no way to know that for sure. Although I’d understand where Ryder was coming from, I couldn’t be with someone so unsympathetic after the baby was born. I agreed with Cooper, and any man in my future would have to want me despite my obligation.
Deep in my gut I felt that Ryder would be supportive, especially since he had been during our time together. Because of those moments, so many times over these past few weeks I came close to picking up my phone and asking him to come over. But that was the Ryder I’d known years ago. He could’ve changed since then. So, of course, that fleeting thought had me chickening out each time.
Despite being plenty busy, I thought of him often. Specifically, how would he fit into my life? And if that wasn’t a reality, how would I move on for the second time? Getting over Ryder was one of the hardest things I ever had to endure. I knew I could if I had to do it again, but I just wasn’t sure I wanted to. The closer I came to being inseminated, the more I freaked out and let doubts take over my confidence regarding having a future with him. Back and forth my pendulum swung, and it made me dizzy.
Meanwhile, life went on. With my living situation settled, next on the agenda was being fertilized, and that day finally came. Ricky and Cooper had come over last night so we could all lean on each other for emotional support. Knowing I’d been a nervous wreck, they’d tried to distract me with movies and comfort food, and to their credit, it had worked… until now.
Today was a Monday, specifically the first of April… but today’s agenda was no joking matter. It was as real as it got. With luck, I was about to become a surrogate.
When I left for my appointment this morning, I really had no idea what to expect. I had read enough to know what would happen in the medical sense, but emotionally I was flying blind.
Since I was a gestational surrogate, my body had been prepared with hormones so my uterus would be ready to accept implantation of the fertilized eggs through in vitro fertilization. Ricky, Cooper, and I discussed the number of embryos to implant along with my doctor. After having read that the chances of success increased with more than one, I voted for two to be implanted.
A lengthy discussion ensued before they finally conceded. And since their sperm had been mixed, leaving who would be the biological father to chance, I teased maybe they’d each father one. I really had been kidding, until Dr. White informed us all it could happen.
Three days after the embryos had reached a certain stage of maturation, I was prepped for implantation while anxiety dominated. It was time. I wanted it to work so badly that I began freaking out with worry that it wouldn’t. As I lay on the paper-covered examining table after the procedure was over, the next phase of emotions came through fear. I would be responsible for a tiny human, maybe even two, over the next nine months. What if something went wrong, and worse than that, what if it was because of something I did?
It was hard not to allow those fears to wreak havoc on my emotions, but for my sake and the guys’, I needed to rein it in. And right then and there in the IVF room, I pulled out my relaxation skills, breathing through the panic, which led to a deep state of contrition. By bartering with a higher power to help me through this phase of my life, I prayed all went well without incident, so that Ricky and Cooper could have their family. I prayed the experience would be all I had hoped it would be, and I would emerge a better person because of it. For good measure, I even prayed that Ryder would understand and accept my news.
Once back in my apartment, Ricky and Cooper ensured I had everything I needed for the rest of the day before they left to allow me to relax… according to them, my one and only job.
Happy to oblige, I snuggled in my comfy king-size bed. My bedroom was my haven, decorated in creams and whites. Accented by the natural daylight that spilled into the room, along with some of my favorite beach scenes I’d had hanging on my wall in Jersey. Calm came quickly in that setting. I had been so engrossed in the movie on my big screen that I barely heard my cell phone buzzing beside me on the end table.
Not recognizing the number, I decided to answer in case it was someone from my ob-gyn’s office. “Hello?”
“Hey, Ree.”
The sound of his voice had me sitting up in a panic, as if he was in my room. “Hi. Where are you calling from?”
“Oh, this is my office line. I had a moment to breathe and decided to call you.” The awkward pause that followed made it difficult for me to know what to say. I had so much bottled up, ready to come out, but to voice even one word of it would’ve sent me down a specific path. Ryder took pity on me and asked, “Last time we spoke you were settling in. How’ve ya been?”
“Great. I love my new place.”
“Glad to hear that.”
“How are you? Still busy at work?”
“Yeah, when it rains, it pours.” He sounded tired, or maybe bored with my cagey behavior. Who could blame him? “I, um…” A short pause came before he added, “I actually called for a reason.”
“Is everything okay?”
“That depends… on you.”
“On me?”
“Yes. What are you doing for dinner?”
Shit… “Actually, I was feeling a bit under the weather and am in bed—”
“Then I’d love to bring dinner to you.”
“It really isn’t a good time for me, Ryder.” Deafening silence came, except that my heart pounded so frantically I heard it in my ears. “I’m sorry. I just need some more time.”
“Okay, Ree. I understand.” I was so grateful he wasn’t going to pressure me that I practically sighed out loud. That was until realization came that maybe I had pushed him away one too many times, and he really had had enough.
Desperation forced me to say, “Can I call you in a few days? We can talk then, maybe meet for lunch?”
“Of course. I’ll wait for your call. Bye, Ree.” When he then hung up without another word, emotions, hormones, the damn movie, and even having the love of my life within reach yet still too far away all hit me at once, and I had myself a good cry.
I hadn’t heard a word from Ryder in four days.
No flirty texts. No touch-base calls.
Nothing
.
Meanwhile, I spent the time doing as little as possible, staying off my feet, avoiding strenuous activity. Cooper and Ricky gave me some space while calling often to be sure I had everything I needed.
Really, I just wanted to be alone with myself. There were so many conflicting emotions swirling within me, from excitement to panic, because of the IVF and because of Ryder, it overwhelmed me. I truly took the time to reflect on what I hoped would happen in the upcoming months, and to prepare myself if, for whatever reason, they didn’t happen.
I had decided that putting off the inevitable wasn’t going to make it any easier.
So, with sweaty palms and an erratic heartbeat, I tapped his contact in my phone.
“Ree,” he said as a greeting.
“Hi. Is this a bad time?”
“I’m about to head into a meeting. Can I call you back?”
“Actually, I’d like to see you. Tonight… if possible. I think we need to talk.” This was it. The IVF was over. It was what it was, and with that realization came a newfound desire to come clean with Ryder.
“I do too,” he conceded.
“Okay. I look forward to it.” It was true. I thought about our kiss on the beach often, and it always had me yearning for him. The sooner I knew Ryder’s feelings on my surrogacy, the sooner I could move into the future one way or the other. And the more time I spent avoiding him, the more I missed him. That spoke volumes on which way I hoped it would go.
“Text me your address. I’ll be there at six.” He left no room for argument, of which I hadn’t any left in me. He then said, “I’ll bring dinner.” And that made it clear he wanted no distractions.
At six on the nose, my buzzer sounded. After quickly confirming it was indeed Ryder, I granted him access into the building and opened my door in wait. When those elevator doors parted, just seeing him again stole my breath. Sure, dark jeans and a fitted polo shirt were sexy enough, but adding that cocky smirk and those hypnotic blue eyes holding mine to the mix sent tingles shooting through every part of me.
“Hey.” His lips landing on my cheek morphed those tingles into full-blown electrical charges.
“Hi. Come on in.”
“You look great. Feeling better?” I cocked my head, confused until his comment reminded me of my attempt to keep him away the day I had been inseminated.
“Yes… much.” The takeout bag’s logo hanging off one hand drew my attention. “How did you know?”
“Know what?”
Pointing to it, I said, “That I love this place.”
“Lucky guess. It’s down the street, and I remembered you love Thai.” As he set the bag down on my island, his gaze swept around my condo. “This is awesome.”
“I know. It really is a great place. Come, let’s eat before it gets cold. Then I’ll give you a tour.” Before possibly chasing you away forever.
Ryder followed me around the kitchen and helped set the island with the plates and utensils that I passed to him. He also pulled out a bottle of white wine, asking for glasses and a corkscrew.
After pulling out one glass for him, I said, “Um… I’ll pass.”
“Is it your stomach? Maybe Thai wasn’t such a great idea.” He pointed to one of the containers. “You can stick with the bland white rice to be safe.”
Screw waiting until later. I could no longer deflect or lie to him. Ryder wanted me back in his life and deserved to know the truth. The longer I waited, the harder it would be… and now was as good of a time as any. “Actually, come sit and I’ll fill you in.”
When he gave me a concerned look, my heart began pounding that nervous tattoo I’d become accustomed to. Choosing to stay silent, he nodded and took a seat beside me at the island. In the way he studied my expression, I could sense he knew this had to do with my reticence. Not letting that deter me, I jumped to the point.
“I had said I moved to Florida because I needed a change, which was only half-true. There is another reason. You know about Cooper and our history, but you don’t know details of our relationship as it stands now.”
“You aren’t over your ex?” Ryder asked, jumping to an obvious conclusion.
“Oh, no. It has nothing to do with that. Like I had said on our date, he’s a really good friend, probably my best friend. And his husband, Ricky, is as well. I adore them and would do anything for them.” I smiled at the relief that quickly altered his frown, but only briefly before continuing to drop my bomb. “They want a family and desperately tried to find someone to carry their child… with no luck.” Ryder swallowed audibly as I powered on. “Because of that, I decided to be their surrogate.”
Predictably, Ryder’s mouth flapped open in shock. “You’re going to have a baby?”
“I’m going to have their baby.”
“Isn’t it the same thing?” he asked, unconvinced. Something in his expression caused a chill to run through me. He wasn’t okay with this.
“It’s not the same thing. They are using an egg donor, not mine. I’m merely carrying it for them.” My argument sounded pathetic even to my own ears. The fact remained that I was going to carry another man’s baby. How could I expect him to understand? When he ran a frustrated hand through his hair, I still felt the need to at least try to clarify. “You know how I feel about having children of my own, and that hasn’t changed.” Not wanting children came from the childhood I’d had combined with losing my mother. Ryder had known this about me when we were together.
“Still, that’s a huge commitment, Ree.” The clench in his jaw, and raw emotion in those deep-blue eyes, scared me. Concerned my worry was warranted, I watched as he scrubbed a hand over his handsome face and sighed.
“I don’t expect you to be okay with this.”
“It’s not why you think.” It was my turn to stare in a state of confusion. “Do you remember my sister-in-law, Tammy?”
I nodded, not knowing where he was heading.
“What you don’t know is that she died, and so did my niece.”
My gasp was immediate. “Oh my God, Ryder. I’m so sorry.” I had no idea. Tammy and his brother, Bryce, were newly married when Ryder and I broke up. “When?”
“A year ago.”
“What happened?”
Ryder scrubbed a hand over his face. “Tammy had an aneurysm… died instantly. They delivered the baby, but…” I hated that look on his face. Before I could say he didn’t have to continue, he looked into my eyes and added, “It was too soon. Her lungs weren’t developed, and she died a day later in the hospital.” I felt sick. “The nursery was all done. They were just waiting for the time to welcome their daughter home. Understandably,” he continued, “it sent Bryce down a very dark path. He responded to no one, ignored my family’s attempt at getting him help. He has since gone into rehab and is finally in a better place, but watching it all and feeling so helpless affected me to the core.”
“I can’t imagine, Ryder.” Taking his hand in mine, I repeated, “I’m so sorry.”
He stared down at our physical connection before meeting my eye. “Ree, I don’t know what I would do if something happened to you.”
“Nothing could have prevented Tammy’s death, Ryder.” The lump in my throat made it almost impossible to respond, and I took a deep breath, forcing myself to say, “And nothing will happen to me. I’m under great care and will be during the entire pregnancy.”
“So was she, Ree. That means nothing.” As if it only now occurred to him, his gaze shot down to my belly. “Are you pregnant now?”
“I had the IVF procedure Monday.” For the second time, his mouth gaped as he withdrew his hand in shock.
“That’s why you couldn’t see me?”
Ignoring the hurt that worsened the lump, I then whispered, “And why I’d been so distant and guarded…”
My pause hadn’t prompted a response. While he sat bewildered, I knew this could be it for our reunion. Ryder had a very good reason to not accept my situation. I couldn’t fault him for wanting no pa
rt of my decision. Knowing the risk, I still needed to say what weighed heavy on my mind, to voice the words that could make or break us. What I really needed to know was where he stood with it before I became any more invested in him.
“When will you know?”
“Two weeks. I have a blood test scheduled.” He nodded. “Ryder, if it’s all too much for you to accept, and if you want to leave because of it… I understand.”
My words were met with silence.
Chapter Ten
Ryder
Did I want to leave?
No.
That didn’t mean that her news hadn’t stunned me just the same. Sure, it all made sense now. Her reluctance to open up, that edge of awkwardness she carried, and a false pretense to not want me as much as I wanted her. And that didn’t make me cocky in assuming she did. Her physical reactions from the simplest touch to that kiss on the beach proved as much.
Meanwhile, the more I remained in my stunned state of silence, the more hurt appeared in her big brown eyes. That was what finally snapped me out of it as I reached for her hand. “I don’t want to leave. I’m sorry, Ree. I just didn’t expect you to say that.”
“How could you?” she responded with a shy smile. “It’s pretty outrageous.”
Damn right it was. But I merely nodded at her statement, not wanting to make her feel even worse. Still… how the hell was I supposed to process that?
Deciding to start with an obvious question first, I asked, “What made you want to do this?”
“I wanted to help Cooper and Ricky,” she responded without hesitation. “That’s really it in a nutshell.” Her reason was so very Riana. I was glad I had asked that first, because the rest of the pieces fell into place with that one simple response. I couldn’t fault her when all she ever cared about was helping people. She saw it all as a positive.
