by A. m Madden
My own personal experience with pregnancy and childbirth had nothing to do with her decision to help a friend. And I knew what happened to Tammy and the baby was rare. I knew that millions of mothers went through their pregnancies without incident… millions of babies were born without incident. But I also knew firsthand that things could go wrong. There had been no warning that my sister-in-law and niece wouldn’t have survived… a fluke tragedy that left enough damage in its wake to forever alter my opinion on the subject.
Any reservations I held were my issue.
Riana had always dedicated her life to helping others. Because of her childhood and losing her mom so young, having kids of her own wasn’t something she desired. She’d rationalize her convictions by saying maternal instincts could be directed in many ways. When I thought she was my future, I loved her and accepted that. And after our breakup, having kids became the furthest thing from my mind.
But then, watching my brother fall apart before my very eyes had cemented my decision to not have children of my own either.
At the time it all happened, I’d been with Diane. Her career obsession to become a model influenced every part of her life, and my conviction fit her agenda perfectly. All in all, it didn’t matter, since Diane and I weren’t meant to be. And I knew any woman who came into my life after Diane would need to understand my reasoning. Besides, there were plenty of children needing a loving home to make adoption an alternative.
“Ryder, I don’t regret my decision,” Riana went on to say.
“You shouldn’t regret it,” I agreed. “And if we had reconnected before you made that decision, I wouldn’t ever ask you to reconsider, Ree. I get why you’re doing it.” I did. But her doing it at all was what scared me to death. I didn’t doubt if the roles had been reversed, and it was me who’d lost my wife and child, my reaction wouldn’t have been any different than Bryce’s. So, having said that, didn’t knowing Riana would be pregnant soon, and could be facing danger because of it, make me a hypocrite for still wanting to be with her?
I wasn’t sure I cared.
“And I get why you’re worried,” she said, using my words. “But there isn’t anything I can do or say to alleviate that.” The lost look I gave her caused a shimmer in her eyes. It made me want to comfort her, assure her my issues weren’t important. “Ryder, I don’t want to put you through any angst, whatsoever. If timing had been better, then maybe we could’ve…” She shrugged a bit insecurely. “But it doesn’t matter now… and I don’t expect you to wait around until after I have the baby. Especially, if it takes more than one attempt… which it very well can. I’m in this no matter how long it takes. This is happening, and there isn’t anything I can do or say to lessen your worries. I’m sorry.”
Right then and there, I knew if faced with months of worrying while being with her, versus walking away before we even got started again, I’d choose option number one.
“No, there isn’t anything you can do or say,” I conceded. “It comes down to me being okay with it.” She nodded solemnly, I suspected assuming the worst. While staring deep into her eyes, I admitted without any resolve, “The truth is I don’t want to wait months and months either.”
“I understand.”
Her gaze dropped down until I said, “Ree.” Once her eyes reconnected with mine, I added, “My issues come second to you. I want to be with you. It’s as simple as that.”
Her brows rose, and the corners of her lips lifted a bit. “Really?”
“Yes. I can’t say I won’t be terrified the entire time, but I will be here for you in any way you want me to be. You already know how I want to be. I made that clear and not in a very subtle way.” When I added a wink for good measure, she giggled.
“And that way doesn’t change for you now?”
I placed a hand over her cheek. “No, it doesn’t, Ree.”
That caused her smile to spread as she leaned into my touch. “You have no idea how afraid I was to tell you.”
“I kinda do. You weren’t very subtle in that regard either.”
“No, I guess I wasn’t. Can you blame me?”
“No, I can’t.” Remembering what had happened a few days ago, I rubbed a soothing hand down her arm. “How are you feeling?”
“Anxious, nervous… relieved that you know.”
“I meant physically.”
“I feel fine.”
“Did it hurt?” Her head slid from side to side. “So now you just wait.”
“Yep… and pray.”
“They must be very special to you.”
“They are. I do want you to meet them.”
“I look forward to it.” Of course, that was only half-true. Knowing Cooper and she had been a couple fucked with my head a bit… regardless of whom he was with now. Having said that, knowing he was gay helped temper my jealousy a tad.
A groan from my stomach caused her to laugh. “Maybe we should eat?”
“Yes. Good idea.” I reached for the nearest container and served some on her plate. “And then I’ll tell you the real reason I came here tonight.”
She seemed so much more relieved, and the Riana I knew well finally revealed herself during our meal.
After the last container of leftover Thai was packed away in her fridge, I took her hand and led her toward the couch. Her place was so warm, inviting, and happy. From the cozy pieces of furniture that I recognized when we were together to the fun pops of color in the accessories she must have bought recently, it was all so very Riana. My place was colder, starker. It made me want to settle in there with her forever.
“Thank you for bringing dinner,” she said when we sat side by side. “It was delicious.”
“My pleasure.” As I reached over and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, a small smile lifted her full lips. “Thank you for confiding in me.” The more I thought about it, the more I knew she could’ve chosen not to. Worse yet, she could’ve told me to take a hike.
“It’s been eating at me. I didn’t know how you would take it. Most guys would run faster than I could say the word pregnant.”
I couldn’t be annoyed that she assumed the negative. “Maybe if we hadn’t had history, it might’ve spooked me a bit. But I know you better than anyone, Ree. I know why you’re doing it and understand the need for you to.” She nodded at my admission just as I continued. “I’m happy you’ll have this experience in a way that makes sense for you.”
“Exactly!” Her eyes lit up, as did her smile. “I’ll get to see this baby grow in a loving home, be there for all the milestones, and know that my decision made it possible.” Her excitement was infectious, and I’d never tire of seeing the joy on her face. Selfishly, I wanted to be the one to put it there someday. I wanted to be the one to make her so damn happy.
“What comes next for you then?” I asked, truly curious. Yes, she admitted Florida was now her home, but there was much I wanted to know regarding how I could fit in. Again, if it weren’t for our history, those thoughts wouldn’t be pressing on my mind. Who was I kidding? They weren’t merely pressing… they were drilling, hard and piercing.
“Well, Ricky is part owner of a luxury cruise ship with his sister-in-law and her husband. The three are all best friends. They sail out of Fort Lauderdale, and their corporate headquarters are right here as well. Ricky has wanted to start a nonprofit under the RMR umbrella… and he wants me to run it.”
“That’s fantastic, Ree!”
“I know. Cooper’s sister, Rebecca, has stepped away from the day-to-day involvement with Bella Viaggi, the yacht they run, to raise her kids. She already volunteered to help me in any way I need her to. I’ve already laid out some ideas using Angels on Earth as a blueprint of sorts.”
“So Cooper’s sister and Ricky are best friends?”
“Yes… and her husband, Marco, and Ricky actually go way back. They worked together for Sunset Cruises for years. Rebecca met them when she accepted a job as Marco’s assistant cruise director. Ricky played a
huge role in their relationship.” She went on to explain the boss-employee connection that forced them to either conform to corporate rules or choose love. “The pair chose love, left Sunset with Ricky, and the trio started their own cruising company. The rest is history.”
“Good for them. I can’t wait to meet them all.”
“Me too.” She looked away before bringing her eyes back to my face. “You really are okay with this?”
Taking her hand between mine, I nodded without hesitation. “I am. Like I said earlier, I worry about your safety.”
“I know, but I’ll be fine, Ryder.” The earnest expression on her face got to me. Riana was such a pure soul that just being in her company made me feel like a better person. I leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips before she pulled away to say, “Your kisses still make me weak in the knees.”
“Good to know since that kind of has to do with what I’d been thinking about these past few weeks.”
Smiling devilishly, she asked, “Does it involve more kissing?”
“A lot more.” I pulled her into my embrace. “It’s quite simple, actually. I want to resume what we had.” There was much we still needed to discuss, like my career and what came with it. But I’d never leave her for a job again. That I already knew… anything else that came our way could be handled as far as I was concerned. “Say you want the same, Ree,” I urged. “Say you want to give us a second chance.” She cupped my face and pressed her lips to mine for a chaste kiss. “Is that a yes?”
“That’s a yes.” Like a man possessed, I crushed my lips to hers, savoring every part of her mouth and tongue. Since the moment I’d laid eyes on her again a few weeks ago, I’d craved her in every way. Yes, I wanted all her kisses and every single touch, but I wanted more than that. I wanted us to slip right back into the connection we once shared.
It felt like my birthday, Christmas, and winning the lottery all at once. I honestly knew that I couldn’t live another day without Riana being part of it. All that used to be important had now taken a back seat to having her back in my life.
While we became lost in each other during an explosion of unbridled passion, I also knew the touching, kissing, and groping couldn’t lead to more… not yet. As much as I wanted to carry her to bed, strip her naked, and devour every inch of her, tonight wasn’t about sex. It was about new beginnings, a new chapter in a beloved old tale.
And as hard as it was to do, I forced myself to break away with a pained groan. We simultaneously fell back against her couch, side by side while dragging in one labored breath after another.
I looked at her with a tortured expression, one that came from the tortured body part between my legs. “Ree, please know I hated having to stop… but I absolutely needed to stop.”
“I know,” she agreed without hesitation. Thank Christ, I thought. Because if she had insisted to keep going, there would have been no fucking way I could deny her.
“From what I heard about pregnancy”—she waved a hand over her crotch—“well, you know.”
“Know what?”
A rosy hue tinged her cheeks. “That pregnancy can cause a woman’s libido to go haywire.” She twisted her body to face me. “I guess it’s good you’ll be around if that happens.”
Well. Fuck. Me.
“Oh, no worries. I’m definitely your man, gorgeous.”
Chapter Eleven
Ryder
On the coffee table, Riana’s phone lit up and buzzed with another text, further pulling me out of sleep. I glanced at the time on her cable box. Even though it was just after 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday, I wondered if she had an appointment she needed to get to. But still sound asleep herself, I didn’t want to wake her.
After our conversation last night, we’d chosen a movie to watch. No longer than ten minutes in, she had fallen asleep. Without the emotional stress that she must have been battling for weeks, Riana slept deeply. Sometime during the nighttime hours, she ended up with her head on my thigh and looked so peaceful lying across my lap that I refused to move. Instead, I’d covered her with the blanket that had been draped over the couch and decided there was no way I would leave.
As sunlight streamed through her windows now, I shuffled through my postslumber memory. I guessed knowing that Riana and I would resume our relationship made for some vivid dreams. They weren’t sexual in nature, more so snippets of her and me as a couple.
In one of them, I was in a hospital hallway on the phone, telling my parents Riana and I had had a baby boy. When I went back into the room where I had left them, they were gone. The bed was empty, as was the plastic bassinet. It was so real that I had woken up a bit shaken and freaked out. A dream spurred from her news combined with my brother’s history… but it was no less jarring.
I then watched her sleep… picturing what she would look like pregnant, imagining what our lives would look like after the baby was born. It was that vision that got me through all the uncertainty I’d been plagued with from her news.
This was temporary, and she would be fine.
I lost count of how many times I’d repeated that mantra in my head in just the past few hours. It had been the last thing I remembered before I had fallen asleep for the second time and was replaying on a loop now that I was awake.
Riana’s phone buzzed yet again. As gently as I could, I slid from beneath her, replacing my lap with a pillow. I watched motionless while she stirred, waiting to be sure she fell back to sleep. Not until her chest rose and fell steadily did I pad across her apartment toward the bathroom. After peeing, I took the liberty of using her mouthwash and then headed back to her kitchen to make coffee.
No sooner had I popped in a pod of my favorite blend than the intercom buzzed. “Shit.” Rushing toward the box, I pressed the button and quietly asked, “Who is it?”
“Who is this?” a man snapped.
“I’m Ryder. Riana is sleeping,” I whispered back while checking to make sure she hadn’t woken.
“Oh… um… okay. Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Can you just let her know Cooper came by?”
Curiosity forced my quick command, “No, wait. Come on up.” After pressing the proper button, I then stepped out into the hall to wait for him, closing the door a bit behind me. So I was about to meet the Cooper, rumpled clothes from the day before and bedhead be damned.
A few minutes later, the man who I remembered seeing Riana with in Jersey and Miami stepped out of the elevator. More specifically, the man who had stopped me from begging her to move to California. He casually sauntered over, carrying a brown bag in one arm with an unreadable guise on his face.
“I got nervous when she didn’t respond to my texts,” he said, before offering his free hand and adding, “I’m Cooper Stanton.”
“Ryder Carter.” A genuine smile spread as I shook his hand.
“It’s nice to finally meet you. From what Riana has told me, I feel like I know you.” I wanted to hate the guy, but something in him made that hard to do. It wasn’t his good-looking face or the laid-back aura. It was a vibe I got, as though he would do anything for Riana. How I knew that after a minute I had no clue, but I did.
Before I could respond in any way, the door swung open farther. “Hey, what’s going on out here?” Riana asked through a sleepy smile.
“I was just meeting Ryder.” Cooper raised a brow, to which she just shrugged.
“I guess I forgot about our breakfast date,” she said sheepishly.
“I figured.” He then lifted the paper sack. “Which is why I brought breakfast to you.” Without invite, he stepped past her into the apartment, leaving behind Riana with an apologetic expression on her face.
“Looks like the jig is up. You ready for this?” she asked.
Taking her hand in mine, I kissed it gently and said, “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
She didn’t look as convinced as I tried to be while she nodded. “Okay, then let’s do this.”
We found Cooper plating bagels at her island
, and when we approached, he focused on Riana. “How are you… ?” His eyes flicked to Ryder before he hesitantly said, “Um… feeling?” It was obvious he didn’t know if I knew.
“I feel fine. Maybe a little tired.” Riana looked at me before adding, “I kind of conked out on him last night while we were watching a movie.”
“I hated moving or waking her, so that’s kind of the reason I’m here.” I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to justify my presence in her condo on a Saturday morning.
When Cooper smirked, Riana waved a hand in his direction. “Stop. That’s just what happened.”
“I believe you,” he countered, and a silent conversation seemed to occur between them. I could tell they were close… very close. That twinge of jealousy once again reared its ugly head. The bond they shared was transparent. I wish I hadn’t known part of that bond came in a physical sense. Especially when he leaned closer and placed an unsolicited kiss on her forehead. I had to keep reminding myself there was nothing between them. Maybe once I met his husband, I would stop seeing him as the man who had slid into my role after I left her.
“So you two chat for a few minutes. I’ll be right back,” she said, her gaze pinging between us. “Yeah?” We both nodded, giving her the thumbs-up she seemed to need.
Once she’d retreated down the hall toward her room, Cooper leaned closer. “Look. I know all about your relationship, and how devastated she was when you left. But you’re engaged, and—”
“I’m not engaged.”
Assuming the worst, he countered, “Sorry… married then.”
“I’m not married either. I’m single, and I want Riana back in my life.” There was no point beating around the bush.
“Did you end your relationship because of Riana?”
“No. It was over before I even arrived in Miami. Running into her was the best thing that has happened to me in years. And… before you say anything else, I know all about her decision to be your surrogate.”
