The First

by Glen Kenner

  -It’s getting later than I planned. Let’s run the rest of the way. Plus, it’ll make it harder for zombies to grab us. Or for gangbangers to shoot us.

  They don’t know if I’m joking or not. I don’t know if I’m joking or not. The last time I walked these streets was 50 years ago and they look a lot worse now. We fly down block after block, all of them with at least one empty lot, sometimes more than half. But no one’s out on the dark streets and we come out on 111 and slow down to a walking pace. It has to be well past 12:30 but there’s plenty of traffic in this part of Washington Park, thanks entirely to the strip clubs. We turn south and walk well off the shoulder, past small restaurants advertising fried chicken and burgers and Chinese. Lots of small bars are open. At Bunkum Road we make a left and pass Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club. I haven’t been there in a while. Another block down and we walk into the gravel parking lot of Rose’s Dance Club. Almost 1 a.m. and there’s a line to get in.

  If you build it, and bare it, they will cum.

  At the head of the line, I show the bouncer my ID. My driver’s license says I’m 26. He doesn’t believe it but my ID is legit. He shrugs and hands it back to me. Sarah tells him that she doesn’t have her ID. Her bag was stolen a few hours ago. She doesn’t mention the part with the dozen hired killers and the 60 foot leap off the hotel balcony. Which is probably smart. The bouncer looks at her and asks her birthday. She gives it to him, minus one year. He looks from her to me and back to her.

  -Having a good night tonight, miss?

  -Yeah. A great night.

  -Good, glad to hear it.

  He looks into her eyes, tilts his head a bit, and then turns to the next guest.

  -Mr Ray, you’re back. Every night and twice on Fridays, huh?

  Glen Ray has his driver’s license out, in this hand and resting on the counter. While he’s nervously laughing and Sarah is poking him in the ribs calling him a horndog, I look at this information. I can make out Cleveland, OH, and his full name. I have to choke back a laugh. I tell him to take care of everyone’s cover charge and he does and the bouncer waves us through.

  The place is packed. Wall to wall testosterone. Lots of frat boys, lots of bachelor parties, lots of young and old horny perverts, a few young women having a good time, a few more looking bored or pissed off. The seating area is as dark as outside and I can feel my eardrums moving with the bass of the music. Cigarette and cigar smoke hang in the air with cologne, sweat, spilled beer, and perfume so strong it coats my tongue. But there are three lit stages with topless women in tiny thongs pulled halfway down their asses dancing on each and if anyone has come here for any other reason, they’re in the wrong place. Looks like a good time. We grab a small table on the second tier and a hostess is on us immediately. Glen Ray and I each order a Sam Adams and Sarah asks for a Dark and Stormy with Gosling’s. Then I tell the hostess I’m looking for my cousin and briefly hold up a twenty and slip it into her garter on top of all the ones.

  -Her name’s Charlotte Alexeev. Friends call her Alex.

  -Sorry, sugar. But there’s lots of pretty girls here. I can send one over.

  -Just Alex, ok? Tell her that her cousin from James Abram is here. Her babulya sent me.

  -Two Sam Adams and a Dark and Stormy. With Gosling’s.

  She walks away and I involuntarily let out a deep sigh. From the corner of my eye I can tell Glen Ray is trying to stare at all of the dancers at once and Sarah is looking at me. I guess she wants to say something but isn’t sure what. And I don’t know either. The hostess comes back with our drinks and I tell Glen Ray to pay up in cash. He’s got an expense account. We sit like this for more than ten minutes when Sarah hits my leg under the table. I look at her and follow her gaze and see Alex walking up to me with that huge beautiful smile. She’s also topless and wearing short shorts and everybody up here on the second tier is staring at her with their mouths open. Hugh Hefner missed out big time on Alex. I lock my eyes back on hers and smile and stand up.

  -Johnny! Oh my god! Johnny!

  She runs up and hugs me tight and then pulls back half a foot.

  -I couldn’t believe it when Sherry told me my cousin from James Abram was here! And you have a message from my babulya?

  She cocks one eyebrow up but she doesn’t lose the smile.

  -I just talked with babulya this afternoon, Johnny.

  -I do have a message for you from your babulya. Find a nice man and give her great grandbabies.

  We both laugh and hug again. Alex puts her lips to my ear.

  -I’m topless in front of you.

  -Really? I hadn’t noticed. Seriously.

  She laughs and messes up my hair.

  -Well your friends have.

  I pull away from her but leave my arm around her shoulder.

  -Hey everybody, let me introduce you to Alex. Alex and her grandmother lived down the street from me until about three years ago. Alex’s grandmother is four foot nine and the toughest, meanest Ukrainian saint you could ever meet. She’ll kick your ass and you won’t understand a word she’s saying while she does it but you’ll thank her and ask for another.

  Glen Ray leans across the table with his hand out, trying so hard to look Alex straight in the face. He knocks over his beer.

  -This is Glen Ray. He’s from Omaha and has never touched boobies before. Except his sister’s.

  They shake hands.

  -It’s just Glen, actually. Nice to meet you. And I have. I’ve touched boobies, I mean, breasts before. And I don’t even have a sister.

  Alex laughs and lets go of his hand.

  -I know you’ve touched boobies. You’ve touched mine.

  She turns to me with a big smile on her face.

  -Your friend is in here almost every night. He’s a great tipper.

  Glen Ray says shit and pulls back.

  -Alex, I’d like you to meet Sarah. Sarah’s from Texas, where she won the Heisman Trophy and voted for Trump.

  -I did not!

  She punches my arm a little too hard and my hand goes numb.

  -So you and John are cousins?

  Alex laughs again.

  -No. Not really. Hey, you guys should sit down. I’ll get in trouble if I’m hanging out with friends. Glen Ray, can you give me a twenty?

  Glen Ray pulls out a twenty and she cocks her hip his way so that he can lean over the table and put it in the band of her shorts. She never stops working.

  She winks at Glen Ray and puts her hand on my shoulder. From the corner of my eye I see Sarah look at her hand before looking back up at Alex.

  -I developed earlier than the other girls. And didn’t stop developing all through high school.

  She cups her breasts and jiggles them and I keep my eyes locked on hers.

  -These are home-grown. Boys were suddenly showing up at my house night and day. Sometimes the boys were actually full grown men. Johnny started running all of them away. Sometimes getting into fights. Remember that guy that sicced his pit bull on you? Anyway, Johnny saved me from some real assholes. I told everyone he was my cousin.

  -I’d run some boys off from Alex’s yard and her babulya would bake me verhuny with powdered sugar and rum. Lots of rum. And if I didn’t run them off, she would threaten me. So it was win-win.

  -She still makes verhuny with even more rum now and talks about you every single time. Anyway, my grandmother cleaned houses all day in the Central West End when I was growing up and so Johnny would meet me at the school in junior high to walk me home or pick me up in high school in his old pickup truck and drive me home. He was my big tough cousin. And he was kind of my babysitter. Except you could never help me with my homework! You never knew any of the answers!

  She grabs my head and turns it up to her face.

  -And you look exactly the same. I swear. I’ve known you since I was eleven and you still look exactly the same.

  -Moisturize twice a day with organic, locally-sourced cucumbers. And tons of Botox. I have a whole routine.

&nb
sp; Everyone laughs. I’ve used that line before. It always works.

  Alex looks back at Sarah and suddenly her eyes light up.

  -I thought I recognized you! Sarah Abe? We have Evidence together.

  Sarah’s eyes go wide and she stands up.

  -Oh my god! Charlotte. Yes, of course. I- I’m so sorry. I didn’t recognize you. I mean-

  -It’s ok. It happens all of the time. I’ve given Professor Ramirez a private dance three times and he’s never recognized me!

  They laugh and Sarah comes around and they hug. Glen Ray and I look at each other and I’m pretty sure I know what’s going through his mind. I jump up.

  -Hey, Alex, I really did need to talk with you. Can we…

  I tilt my head toward the back of the room and we walk past a few tables and lean against a wall.

  -I have a huge favor to ask. Huge. So I understand if it’s too much. But me and my friends need a place to crash. Maybe for a few days.

  -My place?

  -Yeah. I know it’s a lot. Sorry.

  -No, no, Johnny, it’s fine. It’s great actually. We’ll get to catch up. Is everything ok?

  -It’s Sarah. There’s some people looking for her. Bad guys. But I swear you’d never be in danger.

  -I trust you. But you know, maybe I can help. I know people. Not important people. But I know some attorneys in town who know some of the top cops.

  -Yeah. This is outside of what they can do. Sorry, I know that’s vague. I’d rather keep it that way than lie to you.

  -No worries. You’re helping out your friend. That’s what you do, Johnny. I know that better than most!

  -Thanks cuz. I really appreciate it. Also, I kind of have one more favor. Another really big one.

  She pauses and kind of punches me in the gut.

  -How much?

  -Whatever you have on hand. Just for a few days. Maybe a week.

  -How about tonight’s take home?

  -How much will that be?

  -We’ll see!

  She hugs me again and kisses me on the cheek and starts to head back through the tables but then turns around and walks back.

  -You were checking out my ass!

  -I was making sure none of these guys got too friendly.

  -Always the hero!

  She kisses my cheek again and walks away and I pull my gaze away and look at Sarah. She looks right back at me and smiles.

  Me, Sarah and Glen Ray sit at the table nursing our drinks for more than a half hour, talking about nothing, and mostly listening to Glen Ray talk non-stop about 80s pop culture. He knows way too much about a decade that made wearing parachute pants cool. We watch the dancers get up on the stage, work the pole and work the guys who ring the stage with outstretched hands holding dollar bills. Then the girl leaves, a new song comes on and a new girl takes the stage. I don’t know that they’re all attractive, but they all have a great sense of balance to do what they do in five inch heels. At any rate, I’ve done far worse for money. I’ll never judge someone for doing what they gotta do.

  The girl on the center stage leaves as her song fades out and the DJ announces the next dancer.

  -Guys and Gals, Ladies and Gentlemen, all of you horny dudes getting married tomorrow, it’s the girl with the boy’s name and the fine ass woman’s body. Johnny! And don’t forget about our five dollar hot n spicy wings! Johnny is dancing for a friend in need tonight, so pull out those ones, fives, tens and twenties, because as everyone knows, Johnny works hard for your money!

  The familiar synthesized notes and powerful voice of Donna Summer fill the club and Alex takes the stage in a sexy nurse’s outfit that she starts to take off piece by piece almost immediately. The fifty or so guys packed around the stage are literally begging to give her their money. She knows how to work that stage and all of those men. Time to stare down into my beer.

  Sarah leans over close to my ear.

  -Johnny, huh? What a coincidence for a stage name.

  -I’m honored. She’s a good kid. And she’s putting us up for a night or two.

  -She is?

  -She is.

  -I guess she is a good kid.

  The club hours are until five a.m. but at three Alex comes out from behind the far left stage in jeans and a t-shirt and waves to get our attention. We get up and follow her back through a hallway, past a few offices and a large dressing room with a few of the girls sitting in front of lighted mirrors. Then a locker room and then a restroom with showers. Outside behind the club there’s a bouncer standing by the door and he sees us and tells Alex to have a good night and be safe driving home.

  Alex drives an older Escalade and we all pile in. All four of us are too beat to talk much. Alex hands me a spare key, a sticky note with her building entrance security code, and a roll of cash. I slip it all into my front pocket. Neither one of us say anything more. She pulls out on Bunkum, then 111 and gets onto 64. I forgot to ask her where she’s living now. She takes 64 west, across the Eads bridge and the Mighty Mississippi, leaving Illinois behind and then we’re back in Missouri. On North Broadway she goes south a few blocks, turns into a heavily gated parking garage and we’re home.

  I don’t remember anything else other than stripping down to my underwear and falling into bed in the guest bedroom and then seeing Glen Ray do the same right next to me. Mother fuck.

  18 - Who Needs B When You’ve Got A

  I wake up with the eastern sun flooding the room. The clock on the nightstand says nine-thirty. Glen Ray is lying spread eagle on his back with one leg over mine. I have never, in my 11,000 years, seen a First as pudgy as this kid. It’s not even supposed to be possible. The body of a First runs so damn efficiently that fat simply can’t accumulate around the gut and everywhere else Glen Ray seems to have too much. He’s even got little man boobs. Someone’s going to have to rewrite what we know about Firsts’ anatomy because of this goofball. I sit up and flick him hard in the nuts.

  -Ow, my balls!

  -Come on. Time to make the donuts.

  -Donuts?

  That commercial must be from before the 80s.

  Alex’s condo is seriously nice. Bright, airy, lots of light and plants and large paintings and exposed brick. An open staircase leads up to a loft with a living room and a bar and another bathroom. I hope she can afford this. Then I remember the roll of cash and figure she can. In the kitchen, Sarah is at the table drinking a glass of orange juice and looking through some printed pages.

  -Alex is still asleep. I’ve missed some classes so she printed out some of her notes for me last night.

  Sarah sighs and puts the papers down on the table.

  -I have to figure out what I’m doing about school, John.

  -I was wondering if you were wondering about that. What do you want to do?

  -I want to be an attorney. I want to work for the NAACP or the ACLU. The Southern Poverty Law Center. Somewhere that’s trying to make a difference. There are literally a thousand nonprofits out there that need help to help those in need. Fight the power, you know. But now… this…

  She puts her hands up and sort of indicates everything about her.

  -...makes me wonder about things. About everything.

  -That’s hard. I know. It was easier for me but I’ve seen it over and over in others. How ‘bout we put that aside and get this other business taken care of first. Then we’ll sit down, if you want me involved, and go over all of your options.

  She moves her head around a bit and then nods with a sigh.

  -So what’s the plan for today?

  -Let’s wait for idiot-boy to join us and we’ll figure it out.

  Glen Ray sits down at the table after thirty minutes in the bathroom. I’m afraid to go in there after him. He asks about the donuts but Sarah and I just ignore him.

  -We’ve got a busy day ahead of us. First, let’s make sure we all agree on where we’re at. If I miss anything, or there’s anything you haven’t shared, speak up now. Cool?

  Sarah and Glen Ra
y both say cool.

  -Glen Ray gets hired three weeks ago by an anonymous client to follow me. Two weeks later, Sarah faces First Death and survives but doesn’t become a Second. She’s a bad ass First.

  We all fist bump each other.

  -Same day Kingsley tells me that he’s developed the tech needed to find Firsts and Seconds and wants me on board to promote it because soon the world will know we exist. He also believes the prophecy and wants to proactively save his own ass. Then he tries to have me killed when I politely decline to work for him. Sarah and I take a trip to beautiful war-torn Syria and discover the prophecy is a bit more solid than I thought and, even worse, a lot of Firsts believe it. I’m also fucking ancient and will probably hit Second Death any day now.

  I put my fist up for the bump but only Glen Ray joins in.

  -Sarah goes sightseeing in Paris and helps Jimmy O’Reilly lose 30 pounds using the Marie Antoinette method, but not before the prick announces her existence to superstitious little bitches around the world, who immediately call on Kingsley and others to save them. Sarah and I return to the land of the free and meet Glen Ray whose anonymous client has now instructed him to be our best friend and personal Siri. Sarah and I check into a shitty hotel to lay low and are ambushed within an hour by a dozen professionals. We barely escape. Now we’re safe for a few days and are flush with cash, thanks to a loan by a dear friend.

  I look from Sarah to Glen Ray back to Sarah. They seem to be thinking.

  -Did I miss anything?

  Glen Ray says yeah.

  -Now I’m being followed. And without my phone or my laptop, which is back in my hotel room, I don’t know what’s going on in First Club. Which sucks. And I can’t pm Mr High Class. If I don’t check in every night, I could have problems.

  -That last part is your problem. Not our problem. Stick with the agenda.

  Sarah’s been quiet but she asks the most important question.

  -So, what’s the plan?

  -Simple. I convince Kingsley you’re not a danger and that I’m not his enemy.

  -How are you going to do that?

  -Polite discussion followed by heated debate followed by breaking every bone in his body. Should take five minutes.