Underestimated Too

by Jettie Woodruff

  “I hate you. What do you want me to do?”

  “Yes! And I love you.”

  ***

  Now I really hated Deidra, no, not Deidra, I loved her. I hated these sessions more now than ever. We were pretty much finished with the dirty laundry, and Deidra wanted to dig deeper. I didn’t want to dig anything. Drew and I were already feeling the tension. We had for a couple weeks now, and I didn’t like it one bit.

  “Let’s talk about the harsh truth now,” Deidra began.

  Great, just what I wanted to hear, her view on the harsh truth. “I’m not sure you see the potential danger you are in, Morgan,” she began.

  Drew got up and ran his fingers through his hair, pacing the floor. He didn’t say anything though. He let her continue.

  “I’m not in any danger,” I assured her. “We don’t have that kind of relationship.”

  “Really? Now, I’m very interested,” Deidra snidely commented, crossing her arms and ankles, leaning against her desk. “Explain to me what you do have, Morgan.”

  “I don’t know. You answer that, Drew.”

  “No, Drew is not going to answer that. You always want Drew to do the talking. Let’s have Morgan do the talking today.”

  I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to get out of there and meet Alicia. I was more concerned with how far she got with our new friend than I was hashing things out with Deidra. “You call it whatever what you want. Your opinion of Drew and me is just that, your opinion.”

  “Okay, I’ll call it. You can stop me if I’m wrong. I think you’re with Drew for maybe a couple reasons. First thing, you don’t know any better.”

  “I don’t know any better? That’s stupid.”

  “Is it? I think it’s a very good possibility. You never grew up with that. You never had that role model in your life. You were lacking men that loved and nurtured their woman. You told me yourself that your father hit your mother.”

  “He wasn’t my father, and this isn’t some damn movie where everything is a mirage. How many relationships have you been in? What makes you the relationship expert? You think because you went to school for a few years, got a piece of paper awarding you some degree, that makes you an expert?”

  “Morgan?” Drew questioned my mental state, interrupting my rant.

  I shot him a dirty look. Did he have any room at all to calm me down? I think not. What the hell was I getting so worked up for anyway? It was Alicia. I wanted to know what the hell was going on there, and it had me anxious as hell. “Go ahead with your observation of my life,” I calmly said to Deidra.

  “Okay, let’s just say that’s only one piece of the puzzle. Let’s add another piece and I will speculate about it, that’s it. I’m not giving facts, okay?”

  “Whatever, go ahead, speculate.”

  “I think you have thought for a very long time now that you can change him.”

  “Drew has changed.”

  “Has he?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? Yes. He has.”

  “Why couldn’t you make it in last week, Morgan? Drew is never going to change. Drew has no reason to change.”

  “I have every reason in the world to change,” Drew interjected.

  “What? Give me one reason you have to change,” Deidra countered.

  “Right there, sitting right in front of you.” Drew waved his hand towards me.

  “Why would you change for her? You have everything you want with her. She is your biggest enabler. I see no reason you need to change for Morgan. She lets you tell her what, when, where, and how. She hides away, battered and bruised until the evidence has disappeared so nobody thinks ill of Drew. I’ve told you before, Mr. Kelley, I’m not here to bow down to you like most people do. If you don’t want the cold hearted truth, by all means, there’s the door.”

  Drew didn’t move. Drew was caving. He knew she spoke the truth. Why wasn’t he demanding that we leave?

  “Morgan, there is nothing wrong with you believing you can change your husband. A lot of women stay with abusive men because of that reason. You can’t change him, Morgan.”

  “What good do you think this is doing? Are you trying to get my wife to leave me?”

  “No, Drew. Not at all. I’m trying to get your wife to understand that she can’t change you. You have to change you, and whether you want to own up to it or not you have a short fuse when it comes to Morgan. Call it your buttons or whatever you want, but I am afraid for her. I don’t like her being alone with you.”

  “I’m not going to hurt her.”

  “You do hurt her, Drew,” Deidra pled. Drew looked at me with haunted eyes. I wasn’t sure what to say. He did hurt me, but it was okay. He knew when to stop, and the way he was after it, made it all worth it. Oh, god. What was I saying? I just told myself that it was okay for Drew to hit me because he’d be nice to me afterwards.

  “Would you say that the times Drew has hit you over the past few months have become more frequent?” Deidra asked me.

  Dropping my head, I answered in a quiet tone. “Yes.”

  “Would you say that you’ve also changed over the last few months?”

  “No, I don’t think so. Have I Drew?” I looked to my sad husband.

  “You’re not silly with me anymore,” Drew admitted like it had just dawned on him.

  “What do you mean?” Deidra asked while Drew and I stared at each other scared, afraid of what was happening to us.

  “You’re back to just existing with me. I don’t want that.”

  “What do you want, Drew? What does Morgan do that makes you happy? How do you want her to be?”

  Drew shrugged one shoulder. “A couple months back, we left here after a pretty intense session. Morgan drove because I had a few drinks here.”

  “Let’s go to McDonalds and get a happy meal.” I smiled, remembering my words and making Drew happy.

  “I thought she needed comfort food, so I agreed. She literally ordered us two cheeseburger happy meals. We played doctor that night with the tiny toy flashlights. Mine broke in ten minutes.” Drew smiled at me with a crooked, gloomy grin. “I want that Morgan. I want the silly Morgan, the one that’s not afraid of me.”

  “I’m not afraid of you, Drew.” I wasn’t afraid of him, was I?

  “I think you guys have something special, I think you have a love for each other that most people never know. I also feel like you’re in a romantic entanglement, treading on dangerous territory. You’re going to snap, Drew. Something bad is going to happen. I can’t help you if you think you’re fine.”

  “I’m not fine.” Drew admitted.

  “Morgan, you have to realize, you cannot change Drew. You can only change the way you react to him. We’ll work on a few exercises, so you know better how to handle the situations. Remember that it’s not you. It’s deeper than that, rooted in multiple layers of Drew’s emotions and perspectives, and you can’t argue with logic with an unreasonable person. I don’t want you to try anymore. Okay?”

  “Don’t try to talk him down?” I asked.

  “You don’t do that,” Drew stated.

  “What do you mean? Yes, I do?” I asked.

  “What happened last week, Morgan, when I hit you? What happened right before I hit you?” He looked at me, trying to get me to remember.

  “You got mad at me because I didn’t want to give Nicholas his way.”

  “No, after that, after I argued with you?”

  “You’re going to blame me because you hit me?”

  “No, Morgan. That’s not what I am asking you. I am asking you what you said to me right before I hit you. I’m just trying to get you to see the pattern too.”

  “I yelled, ‘Fuck you,’ to you.”

  “Yeah, that’s not going to be part of the exercise,” Deidra explained. “That’s probably not the best thing to come back with when you’re dealing with an abusive man.”

  “Will you stop calling me that?” Drew asked.

  “No. I want you to he
ar that word. I want you to hate that word and separate yourself from it, avoid it like the plague.”

  “You don’t think leaving him is an option, do you, Morgan?”

  “No.”

  “It is. It’s always an option and there are lots of things you can do to keep him away from you, however, I know that’s not what you want. What would it take for you to leave him? What would be that last straw, the breaking point? Look at me, Morgan,” Deidra ordered when I turned to Drew.

  “He came pretty close last week. He did it in front of my son. I’m not going to let him grow up that way.” I didn’t look at Drew. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see the realization in his eyes of me taking Nicholas and leaving him.

  I didn’t like this part of therapy. It hurt too much and made me think about things I didn’t want to think about. I wanted to go back to our life stories. This part was tougher than I’d anticipated. I really don’t know what I expected, but hearing it put so bluntly made it real. Drew was abusive, and I enabled him. I let him have control. I handed it over to him like it was my duty. I fed fuel to his fire by permission.

  My safe word was Nicholas. Whenever I felt threatened or afraid of Drew that was the safe word I picked. Deidra told me to use something comforting to Drew, something that he loved or cherished. There were only two things I could think of that he prized. One was me and one was Nicky. I didn’t want to choose my name, not when I was the one about to receive his wrath. Nicholas was the safer choice. He loved him so much and would never hurt him.

  Chapter 34

  Jumping from my distant thoughts, Drew wrapped his arms around me. “You okay?”

  “Yes. You scared me.” I leaned into him.

  “What are you thinking about?” Drew asked, turning me away from the window to look at him.

  “Nothing, really,” I lied. I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking about. I knew he thought I was staring out the window, reflecting on our appointment with Deidra. I guess I was doing that too, but what I was really thinking about was Alicia. I wanted to know how things went with our little accomplice. Did he agree? Did we offer enough money? Maybe he called the cops and had her arrested. Maybe she was in jail for extortion or something. No. No. Stop it, Morgan. She’s not in jail. Celeste would have called Drew.

  “Morgan, we’re going to be okay. I promise,” Drew said, pulling me tight to his chest and kissing the top of my head.

  “I believe that,” I offered. I did believe that. I couldn’t imagine not having Drew in my life. Drew and I stood in front of the window, kissing, losing ourselves in each other’s touch. Drew felt too right to be wrong. I did belong with him, and we would conquer this tempest. I knew we would. We had to.

  “You’ve got a birthday in two days. I’m going to give you the best year of your life,” Drew promised. I didn’t believe that. I believed that we would be okay, our okay. I wasn’t that naive. I could have easily told him I’d heard it all before. I wanted to believe him. I couldn’t, and I didn’t believe the empty promise. He’d hit me again. I was sure of it. Eventually he’d change, over time, but I was sure it wasn’t going to be in a year. It took him a lot longer than a year to get this way, I was sure it was going to take longer to weaken the monster inside him.

  “Do you think spanking you is abuse?” Drew whispered hot kisses to my neck and chest.

  “God, no, and stop saying that word. I hate it.”

  “Does that mean I can lay you over my lap and paint your ass with my hand print?”

  “That means I want you to do that.” I moaned, slanting my head, allowing better access to my neck.

  “What do you want?”

  “What do you mean? I just told you what I wanted.”

  “No, I mean, what do you want. Tell me what you want me to do. I don’t want to control you.”

  “Drew, you can control me in bed. I love that about you.”

  “How do you know? You’ve never told me what you like. Tell me what you like and what you don’t like, besides the prod. I know you hate that thing.” He smiled, pulling me to the bed with him.

  “Actually, I don’t hate that anymore. I hated it when you used it on me and didn’t let me come. That was torture. Now it just intensifies it when I do come.”

  “You like it?” Drew asked, hopeful.

  “Yes. I know, I’m as screwed up as you are.”

  “And I made you that way.”

  “You didn’t, Drew. I think Deidra is right. That started way before you.”

  “But things could have been so much different. I could have made things better for you.”

  “But you didn’t, and that is in the past. We’re done with that. Remember what Deidra said? We’ve hashed all that out. Everything’s on the table. Now it’s time to leave it there and move forward. Let’s make them better now, Drew. You can’t keep staring at that door. It’s closed now. You’re never going to see the door that’s been opened for us if you keep staring at the closed one. Can we stop being serious for a little bit?” I asked, ruffling Drew’s hair.

  “Yes, you were about to tell me what you like that I do.”

  “I’m too embarrassed to tell you that.”

  “What?”

  “You’ll think I’m a pervert or something,” I confessed.

  Drew flipped me over, towering over me on the bed. “I already think that. Tell me.”

  “It’s something that drives me crazy.”

  “Does it make you wet?” Drew teased, running his hand up my bare leg and underneath my nightgown.

  “What do you think?” I asked, cocking my leg for him.

  “Tell me,” Drew rasped, massaging my liquids through my slit, right to my aching clitoris.

  “I love to watch you stroke yourself,” I confessed. It was probably one of many things that turned me on about Drew.

  “Take your clothes off,” Drew ordered, standing. He removed his dress shirt and slacks, taking his already erect cock in his hands.

  Coming back to me at the foot of the bed, Drew positioned himself between my legs, stroking long drawn out strokes up and down his shaft.

  HOLY DELIRIOUS VAGINA!

  This was hot. This was so fucking hot. I couldn’t take it. Drew stroked himself between my legs, letting the head of his cock rub with just the right amount of friction. I was going to come. That quick, I was going to come.

  I knew I was ready, I didn’t know Drew was. As soon as I called out, grasping the covers in two fists, I opened my eyes, feeling his warm liquids merge with my quivering sex. Watching Drew spew out, massaging his come into my slit, up and down, was electrifying, sensational.

  “Damn it, Morgan. I didn’t want to do that,” he complained, sliding inside of me. I didn’t want him to do that yet either. Feeling him easily slide in me left me wanting more. “Give me a little bit, and I will make it up to you.”

  Drew did that too. I snuggled close in his arms and we watched reality television. I heard Drew snicker a couple times but was too preoccupied to pay attention to the dumb show. I wanted to call Alicia. It was driving me crazy to no end. Drew helped with that once he was able to perform again. I helped with his ability by lying across is lap and letting him spank me while he continued to watch television. By the time he finally finished, I was going crazy wanting him inside me.

  “Come up here and sit on my cock,” he prompted.

  Gladly.

  Drew held my hips, watching his hardness disappear inside me. I was doing just fine until he made me go faster. That was it. I was falling. Of course Drew didn’t let it be that easy. He flipped over, positioned my hips where he wanted them with just a slight elevation and inserted two very deep fingers.

  “Drew, no, don’t do that,” I begged, feeling the gentle pressure on my G-spot. I hated when he did that. He shushed me, continuing to do what he wanted to do.

  “Drew—hmmm, fuck,” I moaned, feeling the inevitable.

  “Yes, baby, come for me,” he mumbled, adding friction to my already over
zealous clit. That was it. I was spent, releasing warm come to his hand which he massaged back right to my pucker before entering. I came again with Drew in my ass and his fingers dancing on my nub.

  “You’re sleeping in the wet spot,” I threatened, dropping to the bed in a pant with Drew, dropping with me.

  “I don’t mind. I love it when you wet the bed.”

  “Oh, my god, stop it, you can’t talk about it.”

  Drew laughed, kissing the back of my shoulder. “I love it.”

  ***

  “Promise me you’re going to be back here by seven,” Drew requested. What the hell? Deidra said he wasn’t supposed to do that.

  “I should be,” I retorted, annoyed. Did he think just because he made the time clear up to seven, I was going to be okay with it? It was normally five. I knew his thought process; he was giving me enough time. It was only four thirty.

  “No, not should be. I need you back here by seven. We have someone coming for dinner tonight. Make sure you’re home.”

  I breathed a deep breath. I hated entertaining his rich clients, especially the women that thought they were holier than thou. “Okay, take care of my little man; I’ll see you after bit.”

  “Marta is taking him for a walk.”

  “Don’t you think it’s too hot for that?” I asked. I didn’t want her to take him for a walk. I liked doing that in the evenings or early mornings. That was our thing. Oh, lord. I had PMS. I didn’t care that Marta took him for a walk. “Never mind, it’s fine. I’ll see you later.”

  ***

  “That has literally been the longest ten years of my life,” I complained, meeting Alicia at the entrance of the library. It really did feel like ten years.

  “Mine too,” she agreed, nodding towards a bench in the somewhat shade. “Celeste is suspicious. She would kill me if she knew what you were up to and I was helping you. I still think this is a bad idea, and you should let it go.”

  “Don’t tell Celeste anything, I already know what you think, and… Tell me already,” I pleaded. I couldn’t take it a second longer.