by Carina Lupo
“I got an interesting e-mail from my assistant in LA,” she says to me, handing me her IPad. I take a look at it and on the screen is a scan of a US tabloid reporting on the bar altercation in Prague. The article also makes a big deal of a love interest between Chris and me. As it turns out, Nicko is a wealthy, eligible bachelor often reported on the many gossip columns throughout Europe. The regrettable scene between him, me and Chris immediately made the European press and from there it was picked up by the tabloids in the US who put their own spin on the story. Unfortunately for us, this time, they had the correct spin.
“You want to explain to me what’s going on?” she says once I’m done examining the article.
“We were in the club and this guy was a bit too forward with me, he tried to steal a kiss and I pushed him away. The next thing I know, the guys jump in to help and things got out of control,” I say using my best poker face.
“And by out of control, you mean Chris punched the guy.” She says fishing for some reaction from me.
“What part of this story is really upsetting you?” I say facing the problem head on trying to make it seem like I didn’t care that much. She doesn’t answer right away so I take my opportunity.
“Going out with the guys is like going to a bar with your three big brothers. They certainly can get defensive about me. It was just a stupid bar brawl. You know how the press likes to “juicy” things up. You shouldn’t believe everything you read Susan.” I finish off, mockingly.
“You guys really need to tone down the partying.” She reprimands me and I feel relieved that she seems to be letting go of the issue for now.
“Absolutely,” I agree breathing more easy now. I walk off and go join the guys again.
“What was that all about?” James asks me in a hushed voice when I return.
“She wanted to show me a tabloid reporting on the bar brawl in Prague the article was saying there is a love affair between me and Chris.” Chris looks at me surprised when I say that, he starts to speak to me but I cut him off.
“I don’t want to talk to you right now. You think I liked having to just tell Susan that you are like a brother to me? One thing is hiding our romance but it’s a whole other thing having to look in her eyes and flat out lie like that. She has been great to us. She has been great to me. I think of her like a friend. It wasn’t nice. Besides I see Tom is starting to suspect something. He would like nothing better than to get your job and you know it. Just leave me alone.” I finish angrily before he can say anything else I start heading off toward my room.
“I told you bro, it’s never good news when a chick uses your last name!” Ted says to Chris.
“Stop being a douche and cut him a break Ted.” James butts in. “But Lorelai is right Chris. “Tom is salivating to become a real member of the band. You two should be careful. If he gets the chance to trip you up I don’t doubt that he would.”
I slide the key card and swing open the heavy wood door. The room is amazing, very modern, luxurious and spacious, especially for Japanese standards. The room is located in the upper floors of this big high rise building so the floor to ceiling windows give way to a beautiful view of Tokyo’s busy skyline. The bathroom is something out of a space age movie. The toilet has so many buttons it makes me feel stupid. I never thought I would have difficulties operating a toilet. It’s a toilet… how many buttons do you need in a freaking toilet? Apparently many! I press one button… the one with a little drawing of water jets, so maybe this is the flush? I let out a yelp as some jets of water come up from the toilet. Yikes! Not that one. I keep pressing the buttons. Now I’m having fun figuring out how many functions a toilet can have. Ohhh a seat warmer! Nice! Finally, I find the flush … aaah good old flush button, never thought I would be so happy to see you!
The bathroom was also equipped with a big Jacuzzi so I decide to take a bath. I soak in the hot water, the jets massaging my skin. It feels like heaven to my tired sore body. Afterwards, I pass out on top of the heavenly down comforter and I fall asleep immediately. The jet leg is really brutal.
I wake up a couple of hours later to loud knocks on my door. I struggle to my feet and make my way across the room. I open the door and Chris comes in.
“My mom’s surgery is scheduled,” he says immediately before I can say anything. He has a deeply concerned expression troubling his face. “I’m leaving right after the concert tonight.”
“Oh.” Is all I can muster, not sure what to say. I’m still in a haze from waking up.
“Sorry I acted like an ass,” he says now looking at me embarrassed. “I got jealous. I know you weren’t flirting with that guy and I saw you walk away and then push him back. It wasn’t your fault. But seeing him kiss you made me so jealous that I just wanted to be angry at you.”
“It’s okay… I only gave him the time of day because I was so jealous of you surrounded by all those girls.” Chris takes me in his arms and we hold each other silently for a while. It feels good. Now that the altercation was behind us and I’m basking in the warmth of his embrace the whole episode seemed extremely idiotic to me. How could we let something so stupid get between us?
“I wish we had some time to be together,” he gives me a smile and then kisses me. “Like we should have some make up sex now.” I look in his deep blue eyes as he gives me a boyish grin, you could tell that that thought almost cleared the troubles from his mind. I look at my watch.
“Holy crap I slept a lot. We need to get outta here!”
“Yeah, unfortunately it’s time for us to go to the arena. We have to meet at the lobby in twenty minutes. You better get dressed to go.”
When we are all ready to go, we brave a crowd of fans getting out of the hotel and enter the car that’s taking us to the arena. Throughout the whole drive there we listen to Ted marvel about how he wants to buy one of those fantastic toilets. We arrive and walk towards where the stage is already set, we look around the empty arena in marvel, it’s one of the biggest places we’ve played so far. Just being there was extremely exciting. We take our place in the stage and complete the sound check and then gather up backstage where we grab a little something to eat from the dinner provided by our catering company. We never eat much before the concerts as eating a big meal and going to do a concert would be the equivalent of eating a huge pasta dinner and going to the gym right after to exercise. We usually just have a few snacks and then eat after the concert.
After we are done we are then lead to another room backstage where we do the mandatory meet and greet with a group of fans that had won some promotion. We chat, take pictures with them and sign autographs until a crew member comes in and escorts the fans back to the arena to go to their seats.
I’m walking back to the dressing room, it’s close to the concert time now and usually by this time you can hear the buzzing of the crowd gathering up inside the arena, excitedly waiting for the concert. This time though, it is quiet, too quiet for an arena that big. Now I’m wondering if no one came to see the concert. I’m starting to picture us playing to just a few people here and there in a mostly empty place. Even though it sounds crazy I start to freak out. I see one of the crew guys coming back from setting the equipment on the stage.
“Hey, is there anyone out there?” I ask him feeling a bit stupid.
“Yeah the place is packed.” He answers laughing.
“It’s too quiet, it can’t be!”
“It is! They are just quietly waiting for the concert.”
I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it. I take a peek and can’t believe it, it was filled with people! Go figure!
Once the show starts though, people are excited, cheering and having fun. There is nothing like the stage to make you feel at home virtually anywhere in the world.
After the concert is over, Chris doesn’t even go back to the hotel with us. He has a car waiting for him outside the arena to take him directly to Tokyo International Airport where he will be taking a commercial flight back to L
A. There is so much I want to say to him but I don’t get the chance. Why did we have to have that stupid fight anyway? We all say goodbye to him and wish him good luck. He climbs into the car, the door slams and the car speeds off into the night.
Back at the hotel, I try to put it all out of my mind and get some rest but I can’t sleep. The time change has thrown me off kilter. I sit by one of the big windows in my room and watch the city lights, down below very small cars and people are coming and going in a constant stream. The motion keeps my eyes busy while my mind wanders far away. I think about Chris and his mom for a while. I’m worried about them. I’m also feeling tired and starting to feel like I want this tour to be over. I want to go home. The word ‘home’ leaves me with a bitter taste though. I ponder on that for a while, going back home… what was I really going back home to? The guys would go back to their family and friends and I would go back to being alone. To add insult to injury, the end of the year is near and I would have to endure another Christmas time alone. I guess I should consider myself lucky. At least this time, because of the tour, I didn’t have to suffer the “Spirit of Christmas” for a whole month like usual.
Somewhere along my musings it dawns on me. Crap the tour is nearly over. We are going back soon and I never did anything about finding a new place! As of now, when I return, I am homeless to top it all off! After we got the record deal and went to LA, I gave up my Palo Alto rental apartment, put my stuff in storage and moved to the furnished LA apartment. When we were leaving for the tour, I decided I didn’t want to go back to LA once it was over. I was tired of living there so I gave up that apartment. Since I didn’t have time to find a place before we left I was supposed to have taken care of this with Susan before I came back. But I didn’t!
I notice that the sun is beginning to shine on the horizon now and so I decide not wait any longer and give Susan a call. I may wake her up but in my current state of mind I really didn’t care!
“Hi Susan. Did I wake you?”
“No, I was up. But what’s on your mind that you would be calling me at this ungodly hour?”
“It’s kind of pathetic… but I realized I don’t have a home to go to when we go back.”
“I know. I tried to get your attention about that some time ago. But don’t worry. You didn’t really think I was going to let my most talented artist sleep in the street, right? I had my assistant get you a temporary apartment in San Francisco. She found a really nice place, in a brand new high rise. It has a beautiful view of the bay and all. You have pictures of it in your e-mail, if you had cared to open your e-mail once!” She has a sarcastic tone at the end.
“Oh,” I say, a bit ashamed. What kind of person doesn’t check her e-mails for so long? I guess the kind that knows everyone she knows is with her at the moment!
“Anyway, she arranged for some of your stuff to be delivered to the place, so it should be all there for you when you arrive. It’s just temporary… to give you time to find your own place when you go back.”
“Geez. Thanks Susan, you rock.”
“You’re welcome. You’re never up this early have you slept at all?”
“No… I can’t sleep.”
“Try to get some rest today. We won’t be leaving to Osaka until tomorrow morning.”
“Yeah ok. I’ll try.”
We are all pretty much hotel bound now as going outside without being recognized around here is not a possibility. Nonetheless, the guys were going to go to lunch at a famous sushi place in town but I didn’t care about leaving. I wasn’t feeling very well. This whole thing with Chris’s mom was really doing a number in my already fragile emotional state and the thin grip on my state of mind finally slips away when, at the end of the day, I receive a call from Chris.
“Hi Lori”
“Chris? Is everything ok?” I ask worriedly not expecting to hear from him at this hour.
“Yeah I just need to talk to you,” he says kind of swirling his words. I could tell he had been heavily drinking and it sounded like he was in his car.
“What time is it there?”
“I don’t know, late, it’s the middle of the night. My mom’s surgery is tomorrow and I can’t sleep.”
“Yeah I can understand that.”
“I’m scared,” he says sounding distressed. “My mom could die tomorrow. There is a huge chance she could die! How can I say goodbye to her in the morning and it could be the last time… I don’t think I can do it.”
“Chris…” I’m thinking what to say to him. I wished I knew what to say right now but I was at a loss.
“Tell me she’ll be fine.” He says his voice quivering searching for reassurance.
“I don’t know that Chris. But you’ve got her the best treatment possible and the best doctors money can buy will be performing her surgery. You’ve given her the best chance she can get. That’s all you can do.”
“Well fuck that! Fuck this shit, this is bullshit! This whole thing is fucked up.” He is yelling now. I can hear that he is pounding his fists against something. I never heard him sound so angry, sound so desperate, sound so much like me…
“How can you stand this, huh?” he asks. “If this is half of what you feel most of the time how can you live feeling like this?” The words hit me like knives cutting through my skin.
“Go home Chris.” I say, trying to sound as calm as possible without sounding hurt. “Get some rest and tomorrow be there for your mom. She will be scared too. And tell her how much you love her. I never got a chance to say it to my parents…” in spite my best efforts my voice breaks down now, tears freely rolling down my face. “Just be there, ok? Tell her you love her.” I say forcing my voice to come out.
I hear him crying. I hang up the phone. I can’t stand it anymore.
I need to walk. I start pacing around in my room, the call still playing in my head. His words ring in my ears “how can you live feeling like this…” It all starts bubbling up inside me, ready to burst. I need to escape but there is nowhere to escape to, I feel like a caged animal. I see my guitar case in the floor. I open it. Maybe if I start playing some music it will take my mind away. I plug in the small portable amp I carry around with me for times like these and I just let my guitar weep for me, as George Harrison once so aptly described in his lyrics. I play for a long time stopping only once to write down a song[4] that emerged from my anguish capturing perfectly everything I was feeling at the moment. Another piece of my soul laid out as notes on a guitar and lyrics on a piece of paper.
Night turned into day. Without a rest, I just keep playing in a bout of insanity like I hadn’t experienced in a while. I can’t really explain it, but at that moment, I wasn’t all there anymore. I was lost somewhere inside the music I was playing, away from my body, away from my mind, just a note bouncing off the walls of a cold hotel room.
**************
“Have you seen Lorelai?” Susan asks James in the hotel lobby.
“No,” he answers, looking at his watch.
“She is late. We have to go! Our plane is waiting for us.” She says feeling irritated.
“Have any of you seen Lorelai?” James asks the other guys. Everyone is waiting in the lobby ready to leave for the airport. They all shake their heads.
“I don’t think she ever left her room yesterday.” Big Bob says to Susan. “With that big crowd outside, I was keeping an eye out for her. I was afraid she might have tried to go out.”
Susan looks at him concerned now. “I better go check her room.”
“I’ll go with you,” James says heading off with Susan towards the elevators.
Susan knocks on the door loudly but there is no answer.
“I think I hear her playing guitar,” James says looking at Susan confused.
“What the hell is she doing?” she replies as she continues to knock but no answer comes and the music continues on, nonstop from inside the room. “This doesn’t look good. I’ll go to the lobby to get a key to open the door. You stay he
re in case she comes out.” She says concerned to James and rushes off back to the elevator.
She returns shortly with the key card that she passes across the scanner. The heavy door swings slowly open as she pushes her weight against the metal handle.
***********************************
I look up surprised to see Susan and James enter the room at the same time. James lets out a shriek when he sees the blood on my hands. He runs to me and grabs my wrist, startling me back into a vague reality. I look at him in shock. I watch as relief washes over him when he finds no cuts, just raw fingers…
“Holy crap, Lorelai, what have you done?” Susan asks shock and concern stamped on her face. She unconsciously rubs her hand through her hair. I had never seen her looking so distressed.
“How can you hurt yourself that way Lori?” James asks in a faint voice, I can see the sadness in his eyes.
I don’t know what to say to them I wasn’t really myself when it happened. I remain silent just as shaken as them at my complete meltdown.
“Stay with her James. I’ll go get the doctor.” Susan says trying to muster some of her usual control.
I go to the bathroom to wash the blood off my hand. Now that I was back from whatever dark place I had gone to, I could feel a deep throbbing pain in my fingers. I look in the mirror. I look like hell, deep dark circles around my eyes from the lack of sleep and rest. I realize I hadn’t eaten all day yesterday. I go back into the room and I find James looking at the paper with the song I had written. He puts the paper down and gives me a hug. We don’t say anything. Just sit quietly waiting for Susan to come back with the tour doctor. He takes the chair next to mine and proceeds to clean the wounds on my fingertips.
“I don’t know what we are going to do.” Susan breaks the tense silence. “For the first time in my life I’m at a loss how to fix this. We have a concert in a few hours and you are obviously in no condition to play.” She is nervously pacing around the room.
