by Carina Lupo
“I can use a blood coagulant gel if you wish.” The doctor says to both of us. “It’s what they use on boxers to help them close wounds quickly so they can finish a fight. The only problem is it hurts like hell…” he says that looking directly at me now.
“Go ahead,” I say. He takes the gel from inside the case and start slathering my fingers with it. He wasn’t kidding when he said it hurt like hell. It felt like my fingers had been dipped in liquid fire. The pain is so intense I start stomping my feet on the ground just to try to cope with the pain.
“I’ve seen enough,” James says. He gets up, gives me a revolted look and storms out of the room.
“I can still play,” I say to Susan.
“Look at your hand, how?”
“No one said it won’t be painful. But I can deal with the pain. It’s just two more shows and then the tour is over, I’ll make it through. I’ll ask Tom to take over the solos I normally do and I’ll play the easier second guitar parts. Or I can do a more piano based version of some songs… the band is good at improvising they know how to follow my lead. I’ll handle it Susan. We’ll finish the tour.”
“At the cost of your suffering? What kind of person am I to make you pay that price? The right thing is to cancel the last two shows.”
“I did this Susan, it’s all on me. None of this is your fault or your choice. I’ll fix it, we are not cancelling. It’s just pain… Pain is part of my life like talking on the cell phone is part of yours. To tell you the truth physical pain is a nice break for me. There are pain killers for that kind of pain.”
“You need help Lorelai.” She says to me troubled.
“Don’t I know it… I think I might be losing control Susan.” I say truthfully.
“Why don’t you get some help then?”
“What kind of help do you have in mind? Therapy? Group therapy? Grief counseling? Don’t you think I’ve been through all those already? If that’s my only chance, then I’m screwed.”
Susan looks at me at a loss, I see deep tiredness in her eyes as she takes a long breath and sighs in resignation.
Chapter 18
We rush to the airport and try to get ready for takeoff as fast as we can. We are behind schedule and it would be a marathon to be able to start the concert on time now.
As we are boarding the plane and the air is so tense between us that you could practically touch it.
I take a sit in the front. Tom follows Ted down the plane’s corridor towards the seats in the back. We all hear as Tom whisper to Ted, “Dude did you see her hands? That chick has some serious issues!” He proceeds by making little circles around his temple with his finger as to say “she’s crazy!” Ted turns around, grabs him by his collar looking furious, ready to punch him. “This is her band and she is kind enough to let a douche bag like you be part of it. So show some respect. You don’t know anything about what’s going on, you prick.” Susan immediately interrupts before it gets any worst. “I don’t want to know what this is all about. Just stop it! Take your seats, right now!” She barks out angrily taking a sit next to James. Tom and Ted both look at her like kids that were just reprimanded by their mom and quickly sit down. Susan definitely doesn’t look like someone you would want to mess with at the moment.
As soon as the plane’s wheels lift off the runway, I recline my chair. I’m exhausted and emotionally spent. All I want to do now is to get some sleep. I can kind of hear Susan talking to James. I think they are talking about me but I don’t care. I just close my eyes and hope that I don’t have any nightmares today.
**************
“You’ve known Lorelai the longest right?” Susan asks James as the plane glides through the calm skies, making its way toward Osaka.
“Yeah. My parents were her parent’s best friends.” He answers looking thoughtful.
“Oh, so you knew her parents?”
“I’m two years younger than her. I was twelve when they died so I don’t know too much about them but my parents still speak highly of them. Our parents enjoyed each other’s company very much so we would hang out together a lot as kids. They were always very nice to me and I remember they spoiled Lorelai so much,” he says laughing. “She was definitely daddy’s little girl. I remember when we went to the winery to visit them one time and she was all excited to show me the new present her dad had given her. It was a beautiful, young white horse. She was that kind of girl, the kind who got a pony for a present! So you can imagine how shocking her life was after they died.”
“What happened then?”
“Her sister came back from college and she decided to move them out of their winery home. All the memories, it was too hard, I guess. So her sister rented a place in San Francisco. I suppose it was easier for her to be in the city too, now that it was just the two of them.
My parents would sometime stop by to see how they were doing. They often invited Lorelai for a sleep over at our house too so her sister could have a little break. We became really good friends. We had our love for music in common and used to practice together. I thought she was the coolest girl on the planet.”
Susan smiles when he says that. “Sounds like you had a crush on her!”
James looks at her with a mix of surprise and embarrassment. “I had a huge crush on her,” he admits coyly. “We were both in our teens and she was kind, very pretty and could rock. What else can I say? Her only flaw was that she never smiled enough. But on those rare moments she did… well I lived for those moments.”
Susan looks at him surprised. “I’m afraid to ask what happened. It doesn’t sound like this has a very happy ending.”
“Nothing happened... that was the problem. As we grew up it became obvious to me that she didn’t see me that way. Then her sister passed away too…” James pauses for a moment, “and I think that Lorelai, the one I fell in love with, pretty much died with her.” He takes a hard swallow as he finishes saying that. They sit in silence for a while. Susan doesn’t dare to prod him for more information but after a while James continues anyway. “You see, she had managed to get over her parents death, I mean as much as you can with that kind of a tragedy. It wasn’t easy and the trauma of it haunts her to this day, but she had accepted that it was an accident and it just had happened to them. As bad as it was she realized she needed to move on. But when her sister died, the little that was left of her world just shattered all around her. Her ‘need to move on’ rationale quickly went down the drain. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how to process this new blow; it took the floor right from under her. She had no idea how to continue living after that and I guess she just completely lost it… like nothing I ever seen before. She came back from the hospital laid down in her bed and that was it. She was gone. I didn’t even know that a person could do something like that, like she had turned off a switch or something. I didn’t buy it at first and tried for a while to get some reaction out of her. I talked to her, I yelled at her, I even banged something really loud right in her face. Any normal person would flinch at that kind of noise or at least blink, she did absolutely nothing… like I wasn’t there at all. She just lay there staring into nothing, ignoring everything and everyone around her. Finally, when my parents saw she wasn’t going to just snap out of it they had a family doctor examine her. He diagnosed her with severe acute depression and suggested she be taken to a mental health institution for constant supervision. He said he was afraid in her state she could try to hurt herself. But of course, someone would have to make the decision to commit her. This was the worst. She had no family to speak for her so no one wanted to make that choice. In the end, my parents decided instead, to hire a nurse to take care of her at her own place, since with her family’s money she could afford it. She stayed like that, just lying in bed, for a long, long time. I couldn’t stand seeing her like that such a beautiful soul now almost a vegetable. It just killed me. It got to the point where the doctor started to suggest she might die if she continued that way much longer, they could hardl
y force her to eat anything and she was withering away. She had given up living.
I couldn’t take seeing her like that anymore, so I eventually stopped visiting her altogether and moved on with my life. My mom and my younger sister kept on visiting her. My sister was just a little kid and she would sit on her bed, talk to her and play.
I’m still not sure what made Lorelai come back. It just happened, one day, out of the blue. Maybe she missed the music. My sister had taken a little toy keyboard she was playing with during one of my mom’s visits but she forgot it in the bedroom when they left. That same day the nurse heard some sounds coming from upstairs and when she got to Lorelai’s room there she was sitting up in bed playing music with that kiddy piano!” James swallowed hard and let out a bittersweet laugh. He stopped talking remaining thoughtful for a while. “I never had the courage to ask her what she remembers from that time, but I believe she was there still, somewhere inside her own head, because after she came back to herself she became very attached to my sister. I think she appreciated the company... I still feel so guilty now for not going there to visit her during those times. When she needed me the most I bailed.”
“You were young,” Susan says with kindness. “That’s a tuff thing to deal with at any age.”
James shrugged, not convinced he deserved Susan’s understanding. “Anyway, it took her quite a few more months after that for her to recover her health again from that whole episode. When she did, that’s about the time I was applying to Stanford. Now that she was more or less back to her old self we had rekindled our friendship, so I convinced her to apply too. With her talent she could get into any school she wanted really. We were both accepted and well from that point on, you know how it went.”
“Wow.... I knew it was bad but I never imagined it was that bad.” Susan finally says still taking in all that she had just heard. “Do you still feel the same way for her as you used to?”
“You want to know if I still have a crush on her.” He smiles at Susan now. “No,” he answers. “I still love her but not in that same way anymore. Like I said, she is different now. We are both different people now.”
“What you have to understand about her,” he continues, “is that it hasn’t been that long since all this happened. It is still very raw for her and she goes through these ups and downs. It’s hard to be close to her and sometimes have to watch her veer off to a self-destructive path.”
“Like she just did,” Susan says concerned and James just nods in agreement.
**************
I wake up only after we land with Susan gently calling me. We quickly scramble out of the plane and into a car that drives us directly to the stadium. There was no time for anything. The roadies had done the sound check for us. We would arrive and go straight to the stage and start the concert cold turkey style.
Before I head to the stage the doctor comes see me again. He hands me a couple of pills. “For the pain,” he says.
“What is it?” I ask before I take them.
“Vicodin.” He responds and I start shaking my head giving him the pills back.
“Look as soon as you start playing those wounds are going to open up and it will be very painful.”
“No.” I say firmly. “There are twenty thousand people out there waiting to see me play, nothing that messes with my head please. Just Ibuprofen is fine. The adrenaline of the stage will do most of the trick anyways.”
“Fine, it’s your call.” he responds and changes the pills for regular Ibuprofen.
Its nerve wrecking starting the show in such a hurry, without sound check or anything but the adrenaline helps us get pumped up and when we hit the stage the familiarity of it all sets us at ease. The crowd is excited and cheering us on and that helps us achieve our usual energetic performance. Tom takes over most of my guitar solos. I mainly stay with second guitar parts which consist mostly of rhythm guitar, strumming chords, much easier with no string bends required. Still, even then, about three songs in, I can feel my fingers raw pressing down against the metal strings. It hurts but somehow I hardly notice.
We manage to put a good show but the end of the concert could not come soon enough. The pain in my hands is blinding, my fingers tips are raw and my guitars and piano are all bloodstained. It looked, as well as felt, like I had gone to war on this one.
There is a deafening silence in the car as we ride to the hotel, a stark contrast to the loud screaming sounds of the stadium just a few minutes before. If I close my eyes I can even hear it still. None of us felt like chatting at the moment, we were tired, emotionally spent but feeling relieved we had pulled it off. Only one more show to go now…
I enter my hotel room and immediately drag myself to the bedroom and crash on the bed. I lay there without moving, letting the tiredness wash over my body for a while. I can feel each and every bone in my body aching, my hand throbbing and the silence wringing in my ears. I’m almost falling asleep when the phone rings loudly in the room cutting through the silence. I jump out of bed, my body screams in complaint of this sudden harsh movement. I stare at my cell phone ringing for a few seconds, I know what this call is and I’m afraid of what I might find in the other end. I take a deep breath and finally answer it.
“Chris?” I say after I pick up.
“Hey Lor,” I hear Chris calm voice at the other end. “She made it,” he says immediately trying to ease my mind. “The surgery went fine and the doctors say she will make a full recovery.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath letting relief wash over me. We remain silent for a moment.
“That is wonderful news Chris.” I finally say tears running from my eyes. “I’m very happy to hear.”
“Yes we are all over the moon… it’s been really difficult for us all.”
“I know, but it’s over now and you guys can put it all behind you.”
“Look, I’m sorry about the other night when I called you. I think I said some things that I should not have, I was drunk, afraid and I don’t think I dealt with it all very well.”
“Nah forget it, its ok. I can understand.” I say dismissively not letting him know how much his words really hurt me.
“How’s it going over there?”
“We are all ready to be over I think.” That seemed to me like a better answer than “ok” which would be too close to a lie.
“Well one more concert and it’ll be over. I can’t wait for you to come back, I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” I answer smiling. “I wish I had more to say, I’m very happy everything went well with your mom Chris but I think I’m so absolutely exhausted that my mind is drawing blanks right now, sorry!”
“It’s okay, don’t worry I understand, we’ll talk better when you get back.”
“Okay. Send your mom and your family my regards.”
“I’ll, take care Lor. I guess I’ll see you soon!
“Yeah… bye Chris.”
I go back to bed feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I fall asleep minutes after lying down.
Next morning we make our way to our last city of the tour. Everyone is feeling excited and happy not only to be all done but also with the news about Chris’ mom. We do the concert with me mostly on vocals and piano as my hand is in no conditions anymore to play the guitar. I play just a few songs on guitar as not to be too disappointing for the fans. It makes for a difficult show since we are playing slightly different versions of the songs but we manage a good performance anyways. Even though it was a good performance, we don’t feel too happy about it because we know it was not our best even if we had given it our best. I know the fans expected me to play my usual guitar solos and I don’t like the feeling that I had let them down.
After the concert is over we have a little wrap up party with all the crew to thank them for all their hard work throughout the tour. The party takes place in a restaurant in town that Susan had arranged to host our event. There is lots of good food and everyone is in high spir
its, laughing and reminiscing about all that had happened during our year long journey together. It is a very bittersweet affair, while we are all happy to be done and going home, we had also spent a year together with these people. That’s enough time to become kind of like a family to each other so it is hard to be parting ways now too.
Before we wrap up the event I get up to say a few words to everyone, they all start cheering and clapping when they see me ready for a speech, it’s very sweet.
“Well before we get going I would just like thank you all not only for the excellent work and professionalism you’ve shown throughout this tour but also for your friendship. It’s been a pleasure, working and hanging out with such lovely people. It’s been a long year and a lot happens in that amount of time… like for example Ted has explored every night club from Los Angeles to the Czech Republic, Chris made headlines by punching a Greek millionaire and I may have gone on a little “Fender” bender…” the crowd laughs at these last few comments. “And I know, probably, each and every one of you have your own memorable story of this last year, but what happens in the tour stays with the tour!” Applauses and lots of cat calls erupt from the crowd. “So it’s been a blast, I’ll miss you all dearly and I hope we’ll see each other again and maybe work again on another tour. Cheers!” I raise my glass and everyone cheers and then start to say goodbye.
After the party, even though it’s very late, we decide to just go directly back to the plane and start the awfully long journey back home. It was close to Christmas time now and everyone wanted to get home to their families… well almost everyone.
Chapter 19
Exhausted and jet legged after the incredibly long and boring trip back from Japan I open the door of my new temporary apartment in San Francisco. The place is very clean and open, filled with natural light and modernly furnished. Since I was on the top floor of a high rise, the windows give way to beautiful views of the San Francisco Bay, arguably, one of the most beautiful places on earth. I step inside, letting the door close behind me and quietly stare for a while. I couldn’t help but feel very depressed as I stand there. After a year of traveling around on tour, here I am, coming back to nothing familiar at all. I’m back home but there is nothing homely about it. Aside for a few boxes with my belongings on the floor this whole place is nothing but a hotel room with added delusions of grandeur. I realize the idea of home isn’t about the place with four walls you return to. Home is made by the people and feelings it contains and mine was inevitably empty.
