by Leanne Davis
She jerked her head up and pushed on his shoulder. “And now you see me as tainted goods?” Her eyebrows rose, challenging him.
“No. No. I never thought that.”
His hand grasped hers and he held her head in his other hand. His thumb rubbed the soft skin between her thumb and forefinger. His hands looked like huge baseball mitts next to hers. They engulfed her hands. But it felt so different… and so good.
“Because I was afraid you could end up with him. Or be so devastated that anyone you dated after him would just be on the rebound. I didn’t expect you to control what happened or dump him. You’ll end up okay… but he won’t. I couldn’t afford to lose even the most remote chance I could have with you.”
“You already had your chance and you didn’t take it. You acted like you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“At the hotel room. I asked you several times what you were really doing there. You insisted more than once that you were seeking forgiveness. What was I supposed to do? I had to believe you were there for that because you refused to say anything different.”
“How could I? Lloyd came to the door. The man you were sleeping with. What could I do? Declare my attraction and tell him I wanted you? And what would you have done? Just shut the door on your old man lover?” He gritted his teeth, trying to keep calm. He had to keep it all about them… not Lloyd. Fucking Lloyd. Forget the past. This was not about yesterday, or nine days ago even. Now. From here forward. But… he remembered Lloyd.
“I didn’t sleep with Lloyd that night. Or the next… or the next. It took a good three months after that night. After he began to value me as an exemplary employee and after… long after I believed you wanted nothing to do with me.”
“So you had to sleep with our boss?” Chris flung it out, and his tone was nothing less than sarcastic. His chest began heaving.
She stepped back and hit the door she was up against only a moment ago. “You’re not going to let it go, are you? Now I’m tainted goods. That’s what you see me as.”
His shoulders slunk downwards. “I don’t at all. No… I… Shit!” he muttered to himself in utter frustration as he stepped back. “No. I’m still trying to understand that night… You’re saying that all those nights ago, I could have had you? All I had to do was speak up? I came there to speak up and when I saw you walking down the hallway, in the middle of the night…”
“You naturally assumed I was taking the walk of shame?”
“Maybe not the walk of shame, but yeah, I believed by speaking up, my intentions would be unwanted and frankly, unwarranted too right then.” He suddenly whirled around from his pacing and came closer. Ducking down, he wrapped his arms around her in the most gentle embrace, and it startled her. His action was directly opposed to his tone of voice. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. I came there because I wanted you, Julia Lindstrom, and I have since then, regardless of Lloyd or anyone else you may sleep with.” He sucked in a breath. “If you’ll just live in the present with me now, who cares who you were with before or who I was with? It’s only now that matters. Us. You and me. If—if that’s what you want.”
She touched his face and her heart was hammering hard. “I didn’t know it was before. But…”
“But?”
“Being with you always makes me smile. You never cease to cheer me up. I look forward to seeing you and right now, my heart might beat right out of my chest I’m so full of emotions. I don’t even know what all the emotions are. I didn’t feel like this at all, not even close, when I was planning to go to Hawaii.”
He shook his head. “How did you end up not going to Hawaii?”
“Well, seeing you was like having a glass of ice water thrown over us. What could we do? Just proceed as planned? No, I realized I wanted to follow you, and go back to this dirty, old job shack much more than I wanted to lie on pristine Hawaiian beaches with Lloyd. We sat in a small café and I told him I had deep feelings for you. We broke up and I waved him off to Hawaii. It was kind of sad. I watched him walking alone down the boarding ramp, and he turned only once to wave at me, and his face looked long and sad. He pressed his lips together in a small smile but I could tell how badly he was hurting. I think I must have hurt his feelings. Or his ego, at the very least.” She shrugged. “It might just be his ego that got bruised. I’m not sure he’s had much rejection from women in his life.”
“Did you ever think… you could love him?”
“No. Not even for a day. I always knew that. He knew it too.” She walked towards the plans table and flopped in the chair. “Sit down. This might bother you.”
He sat near her and leaned forward, taking her small hand in both of his, and playing with it. He folded it between his hands, then looked at it as he ran his fingertips over her knuckles. “Your hand looks like a child’s hand in mine.”
She smiled slightly, also staring at their joined hands. “I feel like a child with you sometimes.”
“You weren’t ever attracted to me. My bulk. I’m too big. And too bald. You like guys who look like Lloyd.”
“He does have a nice head of hair. All that silvery gray, you know, the silver fox and all,” she said wagging her eyebrows as a soft smile appeared on her face. She leaned forward and touched his hands with her lips. He stared down at her bent head, surprised but relieved to feel her soft lips on the back of his hand while her blonde hair grazed his arms. She glanced back up at him. “But he doesn’t have a heart like you, Chris.”
“I didn’t expect you to say that.”
“What did you think I’d say?”
He smiled. “Nothing dirty.”
She blew out a breath. “Let’s just say it then, get it out, and then it’ll be you and me. From here forward. Okay?”
He shut his eyes. “Okay. Let’s say it.”
“I liked you. From the very start. There was no one I liked working with more. You helped me and supported me. You made sure I didn’t become a laughing stock and kept me from getting anyone coffee.” She smiled up at him. “Believe me, I’ve appreciated that so much and even more the longer I stay working in this industry. You made it possible for people to respect me, and they trusted my skills, and no one asked me to get their coffee.”
“But I’m not what you were looking for.”
“You’re going to have to change your mindset. And you’re not going to like this. But here it is. Truth?”
He nodded, pressing his lips together and letting her speak. She wanted to be honest now and Chris did not want to sound juvenile about it from jealousy. “Truth.”
“I wasn’t looking for anyone. Not you or any other man in this place, the job site, the office or otherwise. I was strictly here to learn. And not make a fool of myself. I did notice you, Chris, because you’re like a freaking boulder in a bed of gravel. I mean, you get that, right?”
He had a small smile. “I get that.”
“I liked you right off. You were gentle, easy, calming, and half as intimidating as you look. Your eyes said otherwise.” She lifted a hand and dragged it over his cheeks. “They’re so beautiful. They seemed to pop out and reach down into my soul.”
He knew although he didn’t interject it, that his eyes were not enough for her to desire him, however.
“I liked Lloyd too. His confidence, knowledge and power. Yeah, of course it’s appealing. But I wasn’t thinking about either of you that way. Certainly not at first. Then, when you got angry at me, I didn’t understand it. It made me so mad. And I thought how dare you? I flung all of your accusations and innuendo at Lloyd, which put him into a near panic because he worried I’d leave. He wanted to do the right thing, and still does. I didn’t consider him anything but a dirty old man at first. But I started to believe him eventually, and yes, I slept with him. I had sex with our boss. I don’t know what to say to you about that except sorry?” She shrugged. “I have a very limited sexual history. Remember, I was homeschooled for half of high school.�
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He looked startled. “I thought you went to Calliston High School.”
“No, I exaggerated. Only for two years. I had problems with anxiety when I was younger. I was in counseling for a few years, and started getting over it, and growing stronger and better. It worked better for me to learn at home. So I never dated any boys my age. In my early twenties, there were two guys. Neither offered anything profound or important to me. Lloyd was very interested in me, however, and he tried pretty hard.”
“Where I didn’t.”
“Chris—” She raised her eyebrows in warning. “This isn’t about what you did or didn’t do. It’s about what I did. Let me finish.”
He threw his hands up. “Sorry. Please continue.”
“So I was flattered and curious. I wanted to have sex with him. Lloyd made it easy. It was just too easy. I wanted to experience it. That’s all. I don’t know if you can live with that, but it’s the truth.”
“I can live with that.”
“You answered too fast. You need to think about it longer. I’m not going to keep reassuring you about me and Lloyd, because I have no intention of quitting my job here. I will still be working with Lloyd. You will still be working with Lloyd, and you’ll have to live with that. If he can do it, so can you and you’re going to have to.”
“That’s a moot subject. He plans to fire me.”
She shook her head. “I told Lloyd if he fired you over me, I’d sue him for sexual harassment. He can’t do that and he’s not going to.”
He blew out a breath. “I didn’t foresee that. How can it work though? How can the three of us… I mean, how can he and I…? I think you are underestimating the delicate egos of men.”
“Not yours, Chris. I never underestimated you. You’ll have to rise above this, Chris. For me. I expect you to work at it. He lost the battle and he’s hurting now. Give him that. Let it go. You won.”
It shamed Chris to realize how much he loved the sound of that. He won. “But how did you end up in Phoenix?”
“I had the time off already and I needed to think. Relax. Decide what my goals were.” She squeezed his hand. “And to punish you.”
“You did a phenomenal job of that. I never thought… you’d do that. I thought you went with him. No one’s heard a word from him.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry about that part.”
“But he started all of this when he hired you with the sole intent of seducing you. Don’t forget that.”
“So again, Chris, what did you want to say at the airport? Please tell me what you planned to say. Say it to me. I need to hear it.”
He smiled sheepishly but leaned forward to kiss her lips. “Would you like to go on a date with me, Julia?”
Her eyebrows shot up. “I was expecting…”
“What? Why skip over all the fun stuff? The real stuff? The stuff you deserve. An active dating life. I think we have a lot of work to do.”
Her smile was soft and sincere and she seemed quite pleased. Chris pleased her. He ran his hand through her hair. “Tonight? I don’t, however, want us to wait any longer or…”
“Choke? Chicken out? Fail to perform?”
He laughed, messing up her hair around her scalp affectionately. “Deserved. But Julia?”
Her lips tilted up. “What?”
“There is one area that I never choke, chicken out, or fail to perform. So make sure you are good and ready when that time rolls around.”
She widened her eyes and the smile on her face got huge. “Tonight then?”
“Seven o’clock. Sharp. I’ll pick you up.”
She slid onto her feet, rubbing her hands on her thighs. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
They shared a smile as she backed up to the door and Chris’s was so bright, it could have blinded anyone who saw them.
Chapter Thirteen
CHRIS SHOWED UP PROMPTLY at seven. Having showered and shaved, he wore a button-up white shirt with thin gray stripes and matching gray slacks. They showed off his muscular butt and hugged his powerful legs. His torso was thick as a tree stump and his chest widened from there, but the snug-fitting shirt accented his size and sinewy muscles. Her heart somersaulted in her chest when she beheld him holding a single rose in his hand. Of course, it was for her. Chris Vaughn, holding a rose.
For her.
Julia didn’t change her clothes. She didn’t expect to find Chris in nice slacks and all the fanfare. She thought, it was just Chris.
Taking the rose with a smile, she said, “Hi,” but suddenly felt shy.
“Hey.” His tone was deep and sincere, and flowed over her nerve endings like warm water.
They didn’t speak again, but stared at each other for too long. She cleared her throat and turned, saying, “Let me put this into some water.” Julia put the flower in a single bud vase, adding water as she spoke. “So I didn’t change…”
“You look lovely, Julia. As you always do.”
She glanced his way. “So do you.”
He smiled, and his eyes crinkled up in the same warm, kind way she never failed to notice. They were the first features that defied his bulk, strength, and sheer power of intimidation if you only judged him by his tall height and body mass. “Not as always, however, so it was sorely needed on my end. Had to clean up a bit.”
She struck the sink handle too hard when she turned the water off. His gaze darted up to hers. “Did I say something wrong?” he asked.
Setting the vase carefully beside the sink on the counter, she began shaking her head to the negative. “No. I did. I must’ve made you feel less than acceptable. Like you weren’t good enough for me.” She snorted. “If you could only see how wrong that is. I’m the one who isn’t good enough for you. How can you not see that?”
He frowned, a cloud of confusion glazing over his eyes. “Why should I see that?”
“I never treated you with all the support, kindness, caring and… and I can’t even list all of the wonderful things you’ve shown me… and then I crassly ignore it all and pick…” She bit her lip, staring down at her still bare feet.
Coming closer, Chris touched a finger under her chin, raising her face to his. “I thought we went over that before? We already aired that stuffy room out, so let’s not talk about it. It’s all about today. Moving forward. Not today and yesterday or the day before…”
“Chris,” she shook her head, “all I do is obsess over the past. Remember Vickie? Do you see me dealing with her from this day forward? It would be so much healthier, and better for all, including my real mother. I keep driving a wedge through my family because I can’t let it go. How do you turn what I did with Lloyd around and let it go?”
“I can do it easily because it had nothing to do with me.”
“That’s not what you said… twice that I can think of.”
He winced. “I know. But that was jealousy. I was not in the right. I shouldn’t have said anything to you either time. It had nothing to do with me.”
“It does though.” She gripped his hand in hers. “It does. I think I did it to… to, I don’t know, to get your attention. I know I could have said something—”
“So could I,” he interrupted.
She shook her head. “But I chose to go on a power trip with an older guy with whom I never had any intention of staying with in any capacity. I hurt him, I know I did, but even worse than that, I hurt you… which makes me exactly like her.”
“Her?” Chris scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion.
“Vickie. Her. That’s what she does. She manipulates men. First, she controls them. Then she hurts them. This is my first time out with men and look what I did.”
“Your first time out?”
“Yes. I wasn’t a virgin when I came here but I’ve barely dated. Although it was nothing like the drama of the last six months. I think I got sucked in by all the attention.”
He stared into her eyes and his face was solemn. He shrugged. “I don’t think you’re like Vic
kie.”
“I do.”
He shrugged. “Well, then, try to never do it again.”
She stared up at him. Her face contorting with puzzlement. “Don’t do what again?”
He nodded. “Seems only reasonable. If you don’t like doing something or you think you might have done it for the wrong reasons, and you don’t want to be like Vickie, then don’t do it again.”
Julia pressed her lips together, unsure whether she wanted to laugh or cry. Chris was so right. And also sweet, easy-going, strong, kind, and decent. She suddenly threw her arms around him. He was so huge, it was hard for her to hug him. Like hugging a giant tree trunk. But he wasn’t any tree trunk. No. Chris was alive, aware, and very complicated. And he was there for her. She leaned back. “I’ll change.”
“You don’t have to. You already know how much I like you.”
Chris was funny when he was serious. She grinned. “No. I meant my clothes. Let me change my clothes. I want to. I want to do this date right. Maybe I haven’t done anything right yet, but I want to start. So let me change.” Her eyes lit up. “The beige dress. Let’s use it for something that can finally be appropriate.”
He let her go and she slid her arms free. He grinned. “I love that dress on you.”
“Then I want to wear it for you. Wait here, okay?” she asked, still holding his hand in hers, and slightly reluctant to let him go. As if he could get away from her. As if she were afraid it would go all wrong or slip away from her now that she managed to do something right.
He grinned as she stood there, staring at him. “Ju-Ju-Bee? Don’t you need to… go somewhere to do that? So we can go out?”
She smiled. He hadn’t called her that since the night at the hotel. “I do. Don’t leave.”
His eyebrows scrunched down. “Why do you keep saying that? Why would I? This is what I came for. Why would I leave?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. I just feel you might. I feel anxious over you, where I didn’t care what Lloyd thought of me. Or if he stayed with me or not.”
