The Bodyguard's Christmas Proposal

by Charlotte Hawkes

  He waited. So infernally long that she thought she might die, then, at last, he pressed his mouth to the inside of her thigh, laying waste to her wherever he kissed. He moved up and down the thigh, lifting her foot so that he could trace his kisses, and his tongue, all the way down to the back of her knee. Over and over, until her supporting leg was shaking and she feared it might collapse beneath her.

  And then he carefully unhooked her leg from his shoulder and turned his attention to her other leg.

  How was she ever going to live without this? How had she ever thought that no strings with a man like Logan could even be possible? He made things shine brighter in her than she’d ever thought they could.

  But wasn’t that the problem?

  Because she was coming to rely on that light too much. She was coming to need it. So when it was gone—and it would be gone, at some point or another, for the same reason that perfidious Kirk had left her—she risked being smothered by the sheer blackness of it all.

  And if Kirk’s rejection had left her feeling abandoned, undesirable and worthless for all these years, it would have to be a hundred, a million times worse to lose someone like Logan.

  Unless she controlled it herself.

  Unless she was the one who chose the moment to walk away.

  But for now she lost herself in the feel of Logan’s mouth on her skin. The softness of his lips, the wetness of his tongue, the graze of his teeth. Back and forth, up and down, almost tormenting her in how close he could get to where she ached for him without actually touching her.

  And then, just as she thought she could stand it no longer, Logan slid his hand up to hold her in place, nudged her legs wider with his shoulders, and licked.

  Straight into her core.

  Kat cried out. She called his name and grabbed his shoulders for purchase, and when his low laugh rumbled through her, she thought she might splinter and come apart right there and then in a white-hot, blinding light.

  Nothing would ever be this good, this perfect, again.

  Logan used his tongue and his teeth, making her ride him and propelling her closer and closer to the edge. She was shaking apart in his hands, and still he held her there. Right up to the moment when he sucked on her. Long, and hard. And she catapulted right over the edge into oblivion.

  She had no idea how long it took to come back to herself, but when she did she realised Logan had carried her across the room to lay her down on the rug in front of the fire, and he was lying next to her, watching her with a smug smile of satisfaction.

  ‘Next time you want to shut me up, try another distraction,’ he suggested. ‘Just remember what I can do to you if I want to. And I always want to.’

  Something clenched low in Kat’s belly at the words. So accurate, so glorious, and yet so terrifying. She thrust them to the back of her mind. Her one last memory wasn’t complete yet. But it would be.

  Before he could react, Kat reached out to push him onto his back, straddling him, fitting him into her heat without letting him slide inside. Then she leaned down and pressed her breasts to his chest, her mouth kissing the hollow at his throat.

  ‘Is this supposed to be your punishment?’ he demanded.

  ‘Think of it more as a demonstration of what I can do if I want to,’ she murmured, rolling her hips against him and relishing Logan’s guttural moan.

  So undiluted. So carnal.

  He muttered her name and she moved again, like a reward, coating him in the slickness he’d just created. And then, when she was ready, she edged up and forward until he was nudging her entrance with his blunt tip.

  For a moment she held herself there, her eyes locking with his as though they could somehow transmit all the things she couldn’t say. Pouring herself into this moment. Wanting to bask in it yet simultaneously mourning what it signified.

  Because she couldn’t keep doing this with him. Not without giving away something far more precious than her body—her heart. Because it was too broken and too damaged. It couldn’t take another knock.

  So, instead, she leaned forward with her hands on his shoulders and kissed him as deeply and as thoroughly as he’d ever kissed her. And then she sank down, taking Logan deep, so deep inside her.

  He cursed and grabbed her hips, trying to slow her down.

  ‘Too fast,’ he muttered.

  ‘I didn’t see you slowing down for me before.’ She grinned, easing up him again before sliding back down.

  ‘Is that a complaint?’

  And she smiled and shook her head.

  ‘Not at all. Definitely not.’

  Then she began to move on him. She might have known he would never let her get away with it.

  He grabbed her hips, his fingers biting into her skin, not roughly just enough. He always knew how much was enough. It occurred to her that it was one of the things she loved most about him.

  The realisation made Kat freeze.

  She fought the urge to lift one hand to cover her breastbone in the hope that could stay the desperate, clawing desolation within.

  She loved him.

  How had she not seen this coming? How had she left herself so open? So vulnerable to attack? And no matter that some voice inside her argued that Logan would never do that to her—that he wasn’t like Kirk—who knew if a person could really be trusted? Not when it came down to it.

  She loved him. Logan. This maddening, clever Comic Book Hero who had crashed into her life when that car had crashed on the black ice.

  He was vibrant and funny, generous and kind. Whilst she was far too broken to ever be able to offer anything to him or to Jamie. She couldn’t never make their family whole. She couldn’t even make her body do the one thing it was biologically designed to do.

  How long before he realised that and left her for someone who could? And that was why she needed to end this fling now.

  Whilst she still could.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  ‘I’VE GOT A burn in Room One,’ Kat told her chief. ‘I’ve left her rinsing it in running water for the next ten to fifteen. I’ve a woman with unspecified chest pain in Room Two, so I’m waiting for the results on her, and I’ve an ETOH in Room Four. He’s a frequent flyer so I’ve done the usual vitals and blood sugar and left him with a candy bar.’

  ‘And you’ve just completed discharge for Room Three?’

  ‘Right,’ Kat confirmed.

  ‘Okay, good. You were due off duty...’ the chief glanced down at her watch ‘...half an hour ago.’

  ‘It’s fine.’ Kat shrugged, thinking of her empty apartment.

  The quiet had never bothered her before. In fact, she’d always rather welcomed the peace. But not now. Not since Logan had filled it with life and fun.

  And she had to stop thinking that way.

  ‘Okay, have a good afternoon, and be glad you’re going off duty. This place isn’t too bad for now, but I’m betting it’s going to get slammed soon.’

  ‘I’m not betting against you.’ Kat smiled. ‘Although I think I’d prefer the chaos of the ER to the chaos out there.’

  ‘You’re not shopping at Christmas, are you?’ Her chief looked aghast.

  ‘Couple of last-minute errands, that’s all.’

  No need to mention that she’d been putting them off for weeks, still in denial about Christmas without Carrie. But now there was no choice, they had to be done.

  ‘We missed you at the ball last week, by the way.’

  Kat froze, unprepared for the well-intentioned comment. She cranked up her smile and wished it didn’t feel like a thousand needles in her face.

  ‘Yeah, well, I took an extra shift.’ It took everything she had to keep things light and airy. ‘A bit of extra money never hurts at this time of year.’

  She didn’t need the money, but it was plausible enough. And certainly a better explanatio
n than the fact that she hadn’t been able to stand the idea of facing Logan. Of seeing him talking to other women who would surely have made a beeline for him.

  ‘Ah, right.’ The chief nodded in understanding, just as Kat had banked on. ‘Anyway, have a good afternoon.’

  ‘And you.’ Kat managed one final smile as she walked away.

  Then again, she couldn’t seem to win, she thought as she headed for the lockers to retrieve her bag. Her head was now swimming with thoughts of Logan, despite her best intentions.

  She didn’t feel strong enough to face him again, and yet this last week had been horrible without him there.

  To talk to, to share a laugh, or simply to go for a run.

  He’d called her and texted her. And she still didn’t know how she’d had the strength to delete each and every one of his messages.

  To pretend that she didn’t care when everything in her was screaming to go to him.

  She hadn’t been able to bring herself to attend the ball, afraid that she would crumble and fall back into Logan’s arms if she saw him. Not that she knew he’d have wanted her.

  Sorting her uniform out and gathering up her belongings, Kat headed for the atrium, calling out greetings on autopilot to various colleagues, even as her head swam with thoughts of one man.

  She’d steeled herself for the gossip the day after the ball, of course. Telling herself that she was prepared to hear he’d left with someone else—she’d known from enough other nurses that they’d been intending to make a beeline for him that night. And Kat had told herself that her heart hadn’t lifted when she’d heard instead that he’d left early. Alone.

  It made no difference to her. Whatever she and Logan had had, or hadn’t had, was over—and that was certainly for the best. There was only a finite number of times she could repeat that last part to herself without her brain finally realising it wasn’t true.

  She missed him. So badly that it made her lungs hurt to simply breathe.

  So much for coming to Seattle to keep her distance from memories of Carrie. Of loss. She’d ended up meeting Logan and letting herself get attached all over again. But it could only end in hurt.

  Even if he wanted more from her, too, ultimately he would want things she could never give him.

  Like a family of his own.

  Thrusting aside the stab of pain, Kat hauled open the door to the atrium and shot through...only to practically collide with a large, well-built, painfully familiar figure standing just off to one side.

  ‘Logan?’

  Half an exclamation, half a whisper. Her mind raced whilst her internal organs appeared to be playing a frenzied game of musical chairs.

  ‘Kat.’ He looked up, his expression lighting up for just a fraction of a second before he began to distance himself.

  And she hated it. She hated it with a vengeance.

  ‘You’re not on duty today, what are you doing here?’

  He eyed her strangely and, too late, she realised that she’d given herself away. That he would realise she’d been tracking his duties, moving her own shifts so that they didn’t coincide with his.

  For a split second something flashed in his eyes, chasing away the guarded expression. It told her far more than she wanted to know, that she revelled in that fact.

  ‘I’m helping out at the grotto.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘They saw me in that tutu at the Christmas dash so I’m playing an elf,’ he deadpanned.

  ‘Oh.’

  Belatedly, it occurred to Kat that he was teasing her. Her lips seemed to want to curve up at the corners of their own volition. All her carefully repositioned armour crumbled in an instant.

  ‘You’re not going to the grotto at all, are you?’ she challenged, chuckling.

  ‘I am,’ he assured her. ‘But I’m playing Santa Claus.’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t know. You never said.’

  As if she had a right to know what went on in his life. So much for trying to keep her distance.

  ‘They only called me up this morning.’ He shrugged easily. ‘Some doc from Paediatrics was due to be playing the role, but they had to drop out when a major case came in overnight. I knew they had to be desperate to call me on my day off, so I said I’d stand in. It’s only for an hour or two.’

  ‘Nice of you.’

  But not a surprise. She had no trouble imagining Logan volunteering on behalf of those kids who wouldn’t be able to go home for Christmas.

  ‘Reckon I’ll make a decent Santa.’ He grinned. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Sure. Though not like any that I’ve ever seen.’

  The words were out before she could clamp them back. Kat flushed hotly, but the fact remained that Logan would be the fittest, buffest Santa that Seattle General would have ever seen.

  Or anybody would have ever seen, for that matter.

  ‘Is that so?’ Logan asked, as if he could read her every last lustful, terrible thought.

  She didn’t dare look at him. The heat in his gaze was doing funny things to her body. Again.

  Thrusting the indecent images out of her head, she plucked at the first neutral topic she could think of.

  ‘So, Jamie’s with your parents, then?’

  Not exactly neutral, but enough of a distraction from X-rated thoughts of Logan as a naughty Santa.

  ‘No, he’s just over there, getting a hug and a selection box from one of the day-care assistants he saw as she headed off duty.’

  Kat glanced over and recognised the young girl who she now realised was watching them a little too intently. Clearly, Jamie wasn’t the only Connors man the girl was pleased to see today.

  ‘You’ve brought Jamie with you?’ She fought to keep her tone bright.

  Not to let Logan know that she’d noticed the girl or her interest in Logan.

  ‘Not by choice. Unfortunately this was the only day my parents couldn’t look after him. I’m hoping to keep him out of the way, though. He believes in the magic of Christmas so I don’t want him to recognise me dressed up as Santa and start questioning anything.’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  A memory of Carrie swirled around her. This would have been the year when the little girl would have really begun to understand the magic of this time of year. Kat could feel herself starting to fall when Logan’s voice rescued her.

  ‘So, anyway, he’s going to be at the day care whilst I’m going around the wards.’

  As if he’d realised where her mind had been headed.

  ‘And when you have to play Santa for day care?’ she managed thickly.

  ‘Ah, well...’ He cast her a wry smile. ‘Then I was hoping to talk someone into taking him for an ice cream or something.’

  ‘Is that your way of saying you were going to ask me?’

  It was ridiculous how her heart thumped so heavily.

  ‘I wasn’t intending to,’ he told her, and she couldn’t tell whether he was telling the truth or not. ‘But it seems fortuitous that we should bump into each other, don’t you think?’

  She didn’t want to think. It made her confuse notions as simple as coincidence for something far more romantic. Like fate.

  ‘You didn’t want to ask that day-care assistant?’ she couldn’t help asking, and was gratified when Logan pulled a face.

  ‘I think she might read a little too much into that, don’t you think?’

  No doubt about it, Kat thought. Not that she was going to say as much. But then, before she could think of anything else to say, one of the other nurses poked her head around the atrium doors, relief smoothing her taut features as soon as she saw him.

  ‘Logan, thank goodness. Someone said they’d seen you arrive, but I wasn’t sure. The rounds are done and we’re just squaring the last few tasks away so now’s about the perfect window for Santa to visi
t. I’ve got the suit, and the kids are so excited.’

  ‘Fine, I’m coming now.’ Logan shot her a warm smile before turning to call Jamie.

  ‘Come on, champ, time to go.’

  As the little boy turned and spotted her, Kat wasn’t prepared for the way his face lit up with unadulterated happiness.

  ‘Kat!’ he cried joyously, as emotion slammed into her, stealing the breath from her lungs.

  And then he was dashing across the atrium on his little legs and flinging himself at her. She scooped him up, swinging him around and hugging him tightly, breathing in that young-child scent. So like Carrie, yet so much his own person.

  ‘Come on, champ,’ Logan cut in gently. ‘Let’s get you to day care, I have to go and work.’

  Was it just her imagination or was Logan’s voice different somehow? Because of Jamie’s reaction to her? It had certainly blown her away, so how had it made Logan feel?

  Then again, it probably wasn’t anything to do with her. It was more likely that he was concerned about keeping the kids waiting. They both knew that in hospitals like this there were only limited windows for visits from Santa in between rounds, meals, medication and handovers.

  Logan needed to get going now.

  ‘I have one quick errand to run, but if you like I can some back and pick Jamie up from day care in time for that ice cream,’ she heard herself offering quietly. ‘You know, when your alter ego needs to go in there.’

  He cast her a sharp look and, for a brief moment, she wondered if he didn’t realise she was talking about when he had to play Santa to the children. But then he spoke.

  ‘I wasn’t trying to make you feel obligated.’

  ‘You didn’t.’ She toyed with a smile. ‘Jamie did that all by himself.’

  Logan didn’t answer immediately, and when he did she heard the faint glow of pride and awe in his tone.

  ‘Yeah, the kid will do that to you.’

  It was like being invited into the privacy of their father-son relationship.

  Like family, a voice whispered, before she quashed it, nodding robotically instead. Not adding that she wasn’t entirely sure if it was Jamie who had sneaked past her defences or Logan.