Once Dishonored

by Mary Jo Putney

  “You were right to say that you can’t take Katie away from the woman who has been a mother to her,” Lucas said quietly. “It will take time to build a relationship with Katie and Jane. You might end up more like a favorite aunt than a mother. But you will be part of your daughter’s life, and you’ve acquired other worthy relatives as well. That Maggie knows how to cook!”

  She smiled as he’d intended. “We’ll sort things out in time. My next task is to return to London to hear whether Kirkland has discovered any weapons to use against Denshire.”

  “Our next task,” he said firmly.

  She raised their joined hands and brushed a kiss on his knuckles, then closed her eyes and relaxed back into the seat. That looked like such a good idea that he did the same, and they both dozed for the rest of the journey to the Red Lion. Holding hands all the way.

  * * *

  “Kendra?” Lucas’s tap on the door was light because he didn’t want to wake her if she was sleeping.

  But she called, “Just a moment.”

  Taking that as permission, he swung the door open, balancing his silver brandy flask plus two empty tumblers.

  “Oh!” Kendra blinked in surprise. Like him, she’d changed into nightwear, which in her case meant a floor-length burgundy velvet robe to ward off the chilly spring night. Her hair was down, falling halfway to her waist in rich mahogany waves that echoed the richly colored robe. “I didn’t realize that door opened to another bedroom.”

  Trying not to stare at that glorious hair, Lucas said, “I told the landlord we were married, so he offered us this pair of rooms. The connecting door can be locked so the rooms are separate, but unlocked, the arrangement is good for families or couples who sleep apart because the husband snores. I told him that I was that husband and we’d like these two rooms.”

  She smiled a little. “Do you snore?”

  “I don’t know. If I do, I’m asleep when it happens.” He set the tumblers on the table, which still held the plates and silverware from the supper Kendra had taken in her room, along with a pitcher of water. He splashed water into the tumblers. “I gather that you’re also having trouble falling asleep. Care for some gently watered brandy? It might help us both to relax.”

  “That sounds like an excellent idea.” She wrapped her arms around herself with a shiver despite the warmth of her velvet robe, then sat on the edge of the bed opposite the fireplace, where coals were quietly burning. In the soft firelight, she looked like a lovely, exhausted Madonna.

  When she accepted the glass of watered brandy he offered her, she said, “I’m haunted by this room. It’s where I gave birth to my children and almost died.”

  He sat on the bed beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders for warmth and comfort. “You recognize this room even though you were in such a bad state?”

  She gestured upward with her brandy glass before taking a sip. “The cracks on the ceiling are unmistakable. They were about all I could see in my brief periods of clarity.”

  He tilted his head back to examine the faint cracks. “That looks rather like a map of Britain.”

  “I thought of it as a lunging wolf, which says something about my state of mind at the time.” She looked upward again. “But it could be Britain. I like that better.” She took a deeper swallow of brandy. “So much happened at this inn. My children were born, I almost died, and my marriage ended.”

  He tightened his arm around her shoulders. She tucked under it so nicely. “Ended?”

  “Until I became with child, we had a reasonably civil marriage. Denshire lost interest in me when I became pregnant. Then Christopher was born and he had his heir.” She finished her brandy in one long swallow. “After the birth, I no longer wanted Denshire to touch me. Though I didn’t consciously remember Caitlin’s birth or what he’d said about her, deep down I must have realized that my husband was contemptible. After that, our marriage was in name only and his mistresses were welcome to him. The arrangement worked fairly well for a number of years.”

  “I know it has been difficult for you, but at least you’re free of him now. And we will get Christopher back to you,” he said with quiet vehemence.

  She set her empty glass on the bedside table, then looked up at him, her gaze intent. “Why are you doing so much for me? Because you like helping people?”

  He watched the firelight playing over her lovely, determined face. “Generally, I do like helping people. But in particular, I like you.”

  “You seem to like having a friend or partner,” she said thoughtfully. “Simon when you were children. Frère Emmanuel during your years in Belgium. Friends when you were in the Royal Navy?”

  Surprised by her words, he thought back before replying. “I can certainly manage on my own, but you’re right, I prefer to have a companion I enjoy and trust.” With a swift smile, he said, “But there weren’t any prior companions I wanted to do this to.” He leaned down into a kiss.

  It should have been a light, friendly kiss but wasn’t because she leaned in, too. Her lips opened under his and she raised a hand to his cheek. Her mouth was sweet and tentative as she whispered, “It’s been a very long time since I’ve kissed a man.”

  “And even longer since I kissed a woman,” he murmured back. “I had forgotten how wondrous a kiss can be. Though I think it’s you who makes it wondrous.”

  “I think it’s the two of us together who create wonder.” Breath quickening, she slipped her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him.

  She was so marvelously soft and female. His hands slid down her back and waist over enticing womanly curves. Her full breasts were intoxicating under the velvet robe. His palm flattened over her nipple and he gently rotated his hand. She caught her breath and pulsed against him, her hands equally active as she explored him with touch.

  His exhaustion vanished in a flood of desire, a desire that she matched as she parted the panels of his blue velvet banyan and spread her hands on the bare skin beneath. He sucked in his breath as fire raced through his veins.

  Kisses and hands and scent and breath, and how had they come to be lying back on the bed with their clothing half off? Her robe was open, revealing the translucent shift underneath. “You are so beautiful.” Her nipples were visible so he bent to kiss one through the thin muslin. It stiffened under the heat of his mouth and she gasped as she arched against him.

  After giving due attention to one magnificent breast, he shifted his mouth to the other, delighting in her eager response. Her warm hand was sliding down the front of his body, reaching....

  She touched him and he turned rigid, wanting nothing more than to complete this lovemaking in the most profoundly intimate way. And yet . . . huskily he said, “I’m trying to remind myself of all the reasons we shouldn’t be doing this, but my memory and good judgment are dissolving.”

  “Perhaps tonight we should forget memory and good judgment,” she breathed as her hand circled his straining erection.

  Desire burned ever hotter and he could barely manage to speak. “We shouldn’t . . . be fools for pleasure!”

  “Why not?” she said with sudden fierceness. “I have been battered and betrayed for years. With you, I feel young and cared for and full of life. No one knows us here, we are traveling without servants, so why not share passion, even if it’s only for one night?”

  In a dim corner of his mind, he knew they shouldn’t take this irrevocable step, but he couldn’t resist her. He needed to be skin to skin with her, breath to breath. He stroked down her body with his palm, savoring the feel of smooth skin and underlying muscle and bone. When he reached her knee, he slowly reversed course, sliding his hand upward between her thighs, pushing aside the delicate fabric of her shift.

  She was hotly ready when he touched her most intimate flesh. Moaning, she separated her legs in welcome and tugged at his body to bring him closer. He was equally ready, wanting desperately for them to join together. He shifted to between her legs, preparing her for his entry.
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  She gasped and gripped his hips as he slowly pressed into her, ravished by the pleasure that saturated every fiber of his body. Her heated hands were under his open robe, skin to skin. Her tightness was proof of her many years of celibacy, just as it had been many years since he’d known the joys of a woman’s flesh. But those occasions had been the playful learning of youth, without the deep caring he felt for Kendra.

  “Lucas,” she moaned. “Lucas!”

  She began convulsing around him, her arms crushing around his waist. He was falling, falling . . .

  No! With his last shred of control, he withdrew and his seed spilled over her leg as they locked themselves together in shattering rapture. Skin to skin, breath to breath . . .

  He never wanted to let her go, but he didn’t want to crush her. He slid onto his side, holding her against him. “I wish you hadn’t had to do that,” she said in a raw whisper.

  “So do I,” he said fervently. “We have this one stolen night, but getting you with child would be a disastrous complication on top of a mountain of complications.”

  “I know.” She gently brushed back damp hair that had fallen over his forehead, her expression wistful in the firelight. “But I would love to have another child and have it with you.”

  Imagining them creating a child together was bittersweet pleasure. He wanted that with a yearning that equaled hers. But as he drew the covers over them to keep out the chill night, he bleakly recognized what a mistake it had been for them to become lovers.

  CHAPTER 19

  Kendra drowsed in Lucas’s arms, her head on his shoulder and his breath stirring her hair. She’d never known such intimacy with a man before. Not just the passion, amazing and eye-opening as that had been, but the tenderness. “You were right that this was a bad idea, Lucas,” she whispered. “Because I can’t bear to think we may never lie together again.”

  She’d thought he was asleep, but he replied in a voice as low as hers. “I feel the same way. Contented. Happy. Not wanting to move. Though eventually I should return to my room, having claimed we needed it because I snore.”

  She smiled into the darkness, which was lit only by the glow of the coal fire. “You haven’t snored yet, but more research is needed to be sure.” Then she wished she hadn’t said that because there would be no more opportunities for research. Not in the foreseeable future.

  He brushed his fingers through her hair. “We’ve already had one miracle in discovering your daughter. Maybe more miracles lie in the future.”

  “I like that idea. I think you’re my good angel, Lucas. When we met at the Clantons’ ball, I was paralyzed with anger and uncertainty. Now I have friends and allies and hope.” And a daughter and a lover, even if she would see neither of them as much as she’d like.

  He laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever been anyone’s good angel.” His hand slid down her body, bringing a different kind of warmth. “My thoughts now are distinctly unangelic.”

  She caught her breath and began her own explorations of his body. “If we only have a few more hours, let us not waste them.”

  They didn’t.

  * * *

  Kendra tried to hide her nerves when they returned to Mrs. Lowell’s the next morning. Lucas noticed, of course. “Steady on,” he murmured. “Today will be easier than yesterday.”

  She hoped so. As it turned out, he was right. Mrs. Lowell welcomed them warmly and escorted them to the back of the house. “I hope you don’t mind the kitchen. In this house, it’s where most of the living is done.”

  Guessing this was a test of sorts, Kendra said, “I love a warm, friendly kitchen.”

  “I hope this one includes some of your daughter’s baking,” Lucas added.

  The midwife laughed. “Indeed it does.”

  Kendra had barely noticed the kitchen the day before, but now she saw that it was spacious and full of sunshine and the enticing odors of baking. Maggie, Jane, and Katie were sitting at the large oak table, sipping tea and waiting for their visitors. Patches, the absurdly colorful cat, sat contentedly on Katie’s lap, one eye on the newcomers and the other on the platter of assorted cakes.

  The females stood politely and Patches flowed to the floor. Jane Potter looked very like her older sister, with fair hair and a pleasant face. She was too thin, but otherwise looked healthy and competent, if a little wary. Katie held Jane’s hand, but she studied Kendra intently.

  Jane said, “Lord Foxton, I believe I’m indebted to you for saving my life, and also that of my daughter.”

  Another test, Kendra thought. Jane was staking her claim to Katie and needed reassurance that Kendra wouldn’t demand to take custody of the girl. Kendra thought of her own willingness to flee to America with Christopher if necessary. She couldn’t force another woman to face such a terrible choice. Nor could she wrench another child away from all she knew as her son had been.

  Lucas said, “I think thanks should be directed to the Divine. I’m very glad the healing seems to have been effective. Do you feel entirely well?”

  “Better than I have in years.” She considered. “I’d forgotten what it felt like to be healthy. Are you always so successful with your healings?”

  He shook his head. “No, it’s a chancy gift. I’m very glad it worked this time.”

  Katie had been staring at Kendra, and now she spoke. “What should I call you?”

  Kendra remembered what Lucas had said. “How about Aunt Kendra? That’s easier than trying to explain that you have two mothers.”

  “Aunt Kendra.” Katie spoke the words experimentally, then gave a little nod. “I like having another aunt.”

  “Does that mean you’re my aunt also?” Maggie asked.

  “If you want me to be,” Kendra said obligingly, wanting to enlist the good will of as many members of this family as she could.

  Maggie smiled. “Then please sit, Aunt Kendra and Lord Foxton, and have tea and some of my ginger cakes while they’re still warm.”

  Kendra took a seat with Lucas on her left and Katie on her right while Jane sat on Katie’s other side. The girl continued to study Kendra, her changeable eyes more green than gray today. “Will I be able to meet my brother? Will he like me?”

  “Yes, you’ll meet him someday, and of course he’ll like you,” Kendra said reassuringly. “He’s always wanted a brother or sister.”

  As tea was poured and the cake platter was passed, Jane asked bluntly, “Where do we go from here?”

  Kendra met the other woman’s gaze. “As I told your sister yesterday, I won’t take my daughter away from the people who love her and the only home she’s ever known. But I do intend to be part of Katie’s life.”

  Jane’s gaze was still wary, but she gave a reluctant nod. “ ’Tis only fair.”

  “I am going to settle an income on Katie that you will be able to spend for your joint benefit,” Kendra continued, glad she had the money to do this for her daughter. “It will be sufficient for the two of you to live comfortably.”

  “Can I get a pony?” Katie asked wistfully. “I’ve always wanted a pony.”

  “That’s up to your mother,” Kendra said, glad she could call Jane the girl’s mother in a steady voice. “If she agrees, you can have a pony, though she might want to wait until you’re older. Your brother likes horses, too.”

  Mrs. Lowell said, “Jane, you and Katie are welcome to move into this house. I was concerned about contagion before, which was why I fixed up a separate cottage, but now that you’re well, there’s plenty of room here. Two widows and our daughters. I’d like that.”

  “I would, too,” Jane said. “And your stables have enough room for a pony if we decide to get one.” She glanced at Katie. “That’s if, little miss. Not definite!”

  From Katie’s beaming smile, she seemed confident that her mother meant not “if” but “when.”

  Kendra bit into a delicious apple tart with a wonderfully crumbly crust. Continuing the conversation, she said, “My life in London is complicated n
ow, but when I have things sorted out”—if it was possible to sort them out—“I’d like to have you and Katie visit me there.” Her gaze moved to Mrs. Lowell and Maggie. “And both of you also. It could be a family visit.”

  Maggie drew her breath in, her eyes shining. “We could go to the theater?”

  “Indeed we could. And shopping on Bond Street as well.”

  Maggie beamed. Kendra said softly, “I want us all to be friends, you know. Surely that’s possible?”

  For the first time, Jane smiled. “I don’t see why not.”

  Kendra swallowed the last bite of her tart. “I suppose we should be on our way. We have a long journey ahead of us.”

  Lucas nodded and rose from the table. “Miss Maggie, you have a true talent for baking.”

  Looking pleased, Maggie said, “Let me wrap up some of the cakes and tarts for you to enjoy on the road.”

  “We’d like that.” He gave the girl a smile that would melt the heart of any female.

  As Maggie wrapped a dozen pastries in a piece of cloth and tied the bundle with a length of string, Kendra asked, “Katie, may I hug you?”

  Katie stood and embraced Kendra. “I am so glad to have met you, Aunt Kendra! When will we be able to meet again?”

  Kendra hugged her warm little girl body, mourning all the years they’d missed while reminding herself of the miracle of Jane’s saving a sickly infant and raising her into a lovely young girl. “I’m not sure, but I know it will seem too long. I’ll write you.”

  “I’d like that, Aunt Kendra,” Katie said, glowing. “I’ll write you back.”

  Kendra reluctantly released her daughter and stood. “I’ve written down my address and the address of my lawyer on this paper. You will be hearing from him.”

  After farewells all around, she and Lucas went outside to where their patient coachman was waiting. Lucas undid the bundle of pastries and offered three to the coachman, who accepted them with enthusiasm.