Heritage and Exile

by Marion Zimmer Bradley

  “And Lew promised to dance with me again,” Linnell said sulkily. Father patted her cheek and assured her there would be time enough for that, with a look at me which admitted no further delay unless I wanted to defy him openly and make a scene.

  Javanne was standing in a little cluster of younger women, sipping a glass of wine. My father’s voice seemed more deliberate than usual, as he presented me.

  “I wish you a joyous Festival, kinsman,” she said with a courteous bow. Kinsman! Well, Gabriel and I were friendly enough; perhaps she had learned, from husband and brother, that I was not such a scandal after all. At least for once she seemed to speak to me as if I were a human being. She beckoned to one of the young girls in the crowd surrounding her. “I wish to present to you a young kinswoman of your own, Lew, Linnea Storn-Lanart.”

  Linnea Storn-Lanart was very young, certainly no older than Linnell, with russet hair falling in soft curls around a heart-shaped face. The Storns were old mountain nobility from the region near Aldaran who had intermarried years ago with Lanarts and Leyniers. What was a maiden so young doing alone in Thendara?

  Linnea, although she seemed modest enough, raised her eyes with frank curiosity to my face. Mountain girls—I had heard this from my father—did not follow the exaggerated custom of the lowlands, where a direct glance at a strange man is immodest; hence mountain girls are often considered, here in the Domains, to be over-bold. She looked straight at me for a moment, smiling, then caught Javanne’s eyes, flushed crimson and looked quickly at the toes of her slippers. I supposed Javanne had given her a lesson in proper manners for the Domains, and she did not wish to be thought countrified.

  I was at a loss what to say to her. She was my kinswoman, or had been so presented to me, although the relationship could not be very close. Perhaps that was it—Javanne wished to spend her time dancing, not looking after a kinswoman too young to dance with strangers. I said, “Will you honor me with a dance, damisela?”

  She glanced quickly at Javanne for permission, then nodded. I led her to the floor. She was a good dancer and seemed to enjoy it, but I kept wondering why my father should go out of his way to make life easy for Javanne. And why had he looked at me so meaningfully as we moved on to the dance floor? And why had he introduced her as a kinswoman, when the relationship must surely be far too distant to notice officially? When the music ended, it was still perplexing me.

  I bluntly said, “What is this all about?”

  Forgetting her careful briefing in manners, she blurted out, “Didn’t they tell you? They told me!” Then her sudden blush flooded her face again. It made her look very pretty, but I was in no mood to appreciate it.

  “Tell me what?” I demanded.

  Her cheeks were like banners of crimson. She stammered. “I was t-told that—that we should look each other over, get to know one another, and that if we l-liked each other, then a—a marriage would be—” My face must have shown what I was thinking, for she broke off, leaving the sentence unfinished.

  Damn them! Trying to run my life again!

  The girl’s gray eyes were wide, her childish mouth trembling. I quickly fought to control my anger, barrier myself. She was obviously very sensitive, at least an em-path, perhaps a telepath. I hoped, helplessly, that she wouldn’t cry. None of this was her fault. I could just guess how her parents had been bribed or threatened, how she herself had been coaxed and flattered with the lure of a fine marriage to the heir of the Domain.

  “Just what did they tell you about me, Linnea?”

  She looked confused. “Only that you’re Lord Alton’s son, that you’ve served in the Arilinn Tower, that your mother was Terran—”

  “And you think you can bear that disgrace?”

  “Disgrace?” She looked puzzled. “Many of us in the Hellers have Terran blood; there are Terrans in my family. Do you think it is a disgrace?”

  What could anyone her age know of this kind of court intrigue? I felt revolted, remembering Dyan’s gloating look. Busy with his own affairs . . . Evidently he had known this was in the wind.

  “Damisela, I have no mind to marry, and if I did I would not let Council choose a wife for me.” I tried to smile, but I suspect it was grim enough. “Don’t look so downcast, chiya, a maiden as pretty as you will soon find a husband you’ll like better.”

  “I have no particular wish to marry,” she said with composure. “I had intended to apply for admission at one of the towers; my great-granddame was trained as a Keeper, and it seemed to her I was well fitted for it. But I have always obeyed my family and if they had chosen me a husband, I was not ill-content. I am only sorry that I seem not to please you.”

  She was so calm that I felt trapped, almost frantic. “It is not that you displease me, Linnea. But I would not marry at their bidding.” My wrath flared up again; I felt her flinch from its impact. Her hand still rested lightly on my arm, as when we were dancing; she drew it away as if she had been burned. I felt like storming away and actually made a faint move to leave her, when I realized, just in time, that this would be a disgraceful thing to do. To abandon a young girl in the middle of a dance-floor would be a rudeness no man of breeding would ever commit against a gently reared young girl of unquestionable manners and reputation! I couldn’t expose her to such gossip for, inevitably, everyone would be wondering what unspeakable thing she could possibly have done to deserve it. I glanced around. Javanne was dancing at the far end of the ballroom so I led Linnea toward the buffet. I offered her a glass of wine; she refused it with a headshake. I got her shallan instead, and stood sipping irritably at the wine myself. I didn’t like it.

  When I was a little calmer I said, “Nothing is irrevocable yet. You can tell whoever put you up to this—my father, old Hastur, whoever—you can tell them you don’t like me and that will be the end of it.”

  She smiled, a faint amused flicker. “But I do like you, Dom Lewis,” she said. “I won’t lie about it, even if I thought I could. Lord Kennard would know it at once if I tried to lie to him. You’re angry and unhappy, but I think if you weren’t so angry, you’d be very nice. I would be well content with such a marriage. If you wish to refuse it, Lew, you must do the refusing.”

  If she had been less young, less naïve, I might have flung at her that she could hardly be expected to give up a marriage into Comyn without protest. Even so, I am sure she caught the thought, for she looked distressed.

  I shut out her thoughts and said flatly, “A woman should have the privilege of refusing. I thought to spare you the offense of hearing me say to my father that I did not—” I discovered that I could not simply say that I did not like her. I amended it and said, “That I did not intend to marry at their bidding.”

  Her composure was disquieting. “No one marries at his own will. Do you really feel that a marriage between us would be unendurable, Lew? It is obvious that they will arrange some marriage or other for you.”

  For a moment I wavered. She was evidently sensitive and intelligent; she had been considered for tower training, which meant laran. My father had evidently gone to some pains to choose a woman who would be maximally acceptable to me, one with Terran blood, one capable of that emotional and mental fusion a telepath must have in any woman he is to know intimately. She was pretty. She was no empty-minded doll, but had wit and poise. For a second I considered. Sooner or later I must marry, I had always known that. A Comyn heir must father children. And, the Gods knew, I was lonely, lonely . . .

  And my father, damn him, had counted on just this reaction! My anger flared anew. “Damisela, I have told you why I will not be party to any marriage made as this one was made. If you choose to believe that I have rejected you personally, that is your affair.” I drank the last in my wineglass and set it down. “Allow me to conduct you to my kinswomen, since Javanne is much occupied.”

  Javanne was dancing again. Well, let her enjoy herself. She had been married off at fifteen and had spent the last nine years doing her duty to her family. They wouldn’t
catch me in that trap!

  Gabriel had claimed a dance from Linnell—I was glad to see it—but Callina was standing at the edge of the floor. The crimson draperies she was wearing only accentuated the colorlessness of her bland features. I presented Linnea to her and asked Callina to look after her while I had a word with my father. She looked curious, evidently sensing my anger. I must be broadcasting it right and left.

  My rage mounted as I circled the floor, looking for my father. Dyan had known and Hastur had known—how many others had been dragged into this? Had they held a Council meeting to discuss the fate of Lord Alton’s bastard heir? How long had it taken them to find a woman who would have me? They’d had to go far afield, I noticed, and get one young enough to obey her father and mother without question! I supposed I ought to feel flattered that they’d pick a nice looking one!

  I found myself face to face with the Regent. I gave him a curt greeting and started to pass him by; he laid a hand on my arm to detain me, wishing me the greetings of the season.

  “I thank you, my lord. Have you seen my father?”

  The old man said mildly, “If you’re storming off to complain, Lew, why not come directly to me? It was I who asked my granddaughter to present the girl to you.” He turned to the buffet. “Have you had supper? The fruits are exceptional this season. We have ice-melons from Nevarsin; they’re not usually obtainable in the market.”

  “Thank you but I’m not hungry,” I said. “Is it permitted to ask why you take such an interest in my marriage, my lord? Or am I to feel flattered that you interest yourself, without asking why?”

  “I take it the girl was not to your liking, then.”

  “What could I possibly have against her? But forgive me, sir, I have certain distaste for airing my personal affairs before half the city of Thendara.” I moved my hand to indicate the dancing crowds. He smiled genially.

  “Do you really think anyone here is intent on anything but his own affairs?” He was calmly filling his plate for himself with assorted delicacies. Sullenly, I followed suit. He moved toward a couple of reasonably isolated chairs and said, “We can sit here and talk, if you like. What’s the matter, Lew? You’re just about the proper age to be married.”

  “Just like that,” I said, “and I’m not to be consulted?”

  “I thought we were consulting you,” Hastur said, taking a forkful of some kind of shredded seafood mixed with greens. “We did not, after all, summon you to the chapel at a few hours’ notice, to be married on the spot, as was done only a few years ago. I was given no chance even to see my dear wife’s face until a few minutes before the bracelets were locked on our wrists, yet we lived together in harmony for forty years.”

  My father, speaking of his first years on Terra and being plunged abruptly into their alien customs, had once used a phrase for the way I felt now: culture shock. “With all deference, Lord Hastur, times have changed too much for that to be a suitable way of making marriages. Why is there such a hurry?”

  Hastur’s face suddenly hardened. “Lew, do you really understand that if your father had broken his neck on those damnable stairs, instead of a few ribs and his collarbone, you would now be Lord Alton of Armida, with all that implies? My own son never lived to see his son. With our world in the shape it’s in, none of us can afford to take chances with the heirship of a Domain. What is your specific objection to marriage? Are you a lover of men?” He used the very polite casta phrase and I, used to the much coarser one customary in the Guards, was not for a moment quite certain what he meant. Then I grinned without amusement. “That arrow went wide of the mark, my lord. Even as a boy I had small taste for such games. I may be young, but that young I am not.”

  “Then what can it possibly be?” He seemed honestly bewildered. “Is it Linnell you wish to marry? We had other marriage-plans for her, but if both of you really wish—”

  I said in honest outrage, “Evanda protect us both! Lord Hastur, Linnell is my sister!”

  “Not blood-kin,” he said, “or not so close as to be a grave risk to your children. It might be a suitable match after all.”

  I took a spoonful of the food on my plate. It tasted revolting and I swallowed and set the plate down. “Sir, I love Linnell dearly. We were children together. If it were only to share my life, I could think of no happier person to spend it with. But,” I fumbled to explain, a little embarrassed, “after you’ve slapped a girl for breaking your toys, taken her into bed with you when she had a nightmare or was crying with a toothache, pinned up her skirts so she could wade in a brook, or dressed her, or brushed her hair—it’s almost impossible to think of her as a—a bed-mate, Lord Hastur. Forgive this plain speaking.”

  He waved that away. “No, no. No formalities. I asked you to be honest with me. I can understand that. We married your father very young to a woman the Council thought suitable, and I have been told they lived together in complete harmony and total indifference for many years. But I don’t want to wait until you’ve fixed your desire on someone wholly unsuitable, either. Your father married at the last to please himself and—forgive me, Lew—you and Marius have been suffering for it all your lives. I am sure you would rather spare your own sons that.”

  “Can’t you wait until I have sons? Don’t you ever get tired of arranging other people’s lives for them?”

  His eyes blazed at me. “I got tired of it thirty years ago but someone has to do it! I’m old enough to sit and think over my past, instead of carrying the burden of the future, but it seems to be left to me! What are you doing to arrange your life in the proper way and save me the trouble?” He took another forkful of salad and chewed it wrathfully.

  “How much do you know of the history of Comyn, Lew? In far-back days, we were given power and privilege because we served our people, not because we ruled them. Then we began to believe we had these powers and privileges because of some innate superiority in ourselves, as if having laran made us so much better than other people that we could do exactly as we pleased. Our privileges are used now, not to compensate us for all the things we have given up to serve the people, but to perpetuate our own powers. You’re complaining that your life isn’t your own, Lew. Well, it isn’t and it shouldn’t be. You have certain privileges—”

  “Privileges!” I said bitterly. “Mostly duties I don’t want and responsibilities I can’t handle.”

  “Privileges,” he repeated, “which you must earn by serving your people.” He reached out and lightly touched the mark of Comyn, deeply blazed in my flesh just above the wrist. His own arm bore its twin, whitened with age. He said, “One of the obligations which goes with that, a sacred obligation, is to make certain your gift does not die out, by fathering sons and daughters to inherit it from you, to serve the people of Darkover in their turn.”

  Against my will, I was moved by his words. I had felt this way during my journey to the outlands, that my position as heir to Comyn was a serious thing, a sacred thing, that I held an important link in an endless chain of Altons, stretching from prehistory to the future. For a moment I felt that the old man followed my thoughts, as he laid his fingertip again on the mark of Comyn on my wrist. He said, “I know what this cost you, Lew. You won that gift at risk of your life. You have begun well by serving at Arilinn. What little remains of our ancient science is preserved there against the day when it may be fully recovered or rediscovered. Do you think I don’t know that you young people there are sacrificing your personal lives, giving up many things a young man, a young woman, holds dear? I never had that option, Lew, I was born with a bare minimum of laran. So I do what I can with secular powers, to lighten that burden for you others who bear the heavier ones. So far as I know, you have never misused your powers. Nor are you one of those frivolous young people who want to enjoy the privilege of rank and spend your life in amusements and folly. Why, then, do you shrink from doing this duty to your clan?”

  I suddenly wished that I could unburden my fears and misgivings to him. I could not doubt the
old man’s personal integrity. Yet he was so completely entangled in his single-minded plan for political aims on Darkover that I distrusted him, too. I would not let him manipulate me to serve those aims. I felt confused, half convinced, half more defiant than ever. He was waiting for my answer; I shrank from giving it. Telepaths get used to facing things head-on—you have to, in order to stay even reasonably sane—but you don’t learn to put things easily into words. You get used, in a place like Arilinn, to knowing that everyone in your circle can share all your feelings and emotions and desires. There is no reticence there, none of the small evasions and courtesies which outsiders use in speaking of intimate things. But Hastur could not read my thoughts, and I fumbled at putting it into words that would not embarrass either of us too much.

  “Mostly I have never met a woman I wished to spend my life with . . . and, being a telepath, I am not willing to . . . to gamble on someone else’s choice.” No. I wasn’t being completely honest. I would have gambled on Linnea willingly, if I had not felt I was being manipulated, used as a helpless pawn. My anger flared again. “Hastur, if you wanted me to marry simply for the sake of perpetuating my gift, of fathering a son for the Domain, you should have had me married off before I was full-grown, before I was old enough to have any feelings about any woman, and would have wanted her just because she was a woman and available. Now it’s different.” I fell silent again.

  How could I tell Hastur, who was old enough to be my grandfather, and not even a telepath, that when I took a woman, all her thoughts and feelings were open to me and mine to her, that unless rapport was complete and sympathy almost total, it could quickly unman me? Few women could endure it. And how could I tell him about the paralyzing failures which a lack of sympathy could bring? Did he actually think I could manage to live with a woman whose only interest in me was that I might give her a laran son? I know some men in the Comyn manage it. I suppose that almost any two people with healthy bodies can give each other something in bed. But not tower-trained telepaths, accustomed to that full sharing. . . . I said, and I knew my voice was shaking uncontrollably, “Even a god cannot be constrained to love on command.”