“Yeah, right. We both know that ain’t happening, princess.”
Lola was about to argue more, but the chime on her phone stopped her. She didn’t recognize the number on the screen.
“Hello?”
“Lola.”
The riot of emotions that tangled in her belly at the mere sound of Erik’s voice tied her in knots. God, this wasn’t good.
How was she supposed to raise a child with him if her body revolted whenever he spoke? She needed to get a hold of herself. Now. Before she did something stupid—like sleep with him again and heap even more complications onto an already difficult situation.
On the bright side, she couldn’t accidentally get pregnant twice.
“Erik.”
Across from her, Colt leaned out from behind the screen of his computer, not even pretending not to eavesdrop.
Lola shooed him away, which didn’t work.
“I wanted to set up that lunch date you mentioned so that we could talk.”
“We both know it won’t be a date, but I do agree we need to come up with a plan. Or at least get an idea of what we’re both thinking.”
Glancing up, her gaze snagged on Colt. At least his nosiness would come in handy. “Make yourself useful and look at my calendar, would you? Tell me when I have some time around lunch to meet with Erik.”
Colt’s gaze narrowed, but he scooted back behind his monitor. “You have about two hours free tomorrow between the Miller family’s session and the newborn portraits for baby Jacobs.”
Perfect. She liked having a finite time. An exit strategy was always a good thing, especially where Erik was concerned.
“I can meet tomorrow,” she told Erik. “Let’s say eleven thirty at...” She tried to think of somewhere busy, but not so busy that they’d be surrounded by people who would make as much effort to pretend they weren’t listening as Colt was.
“Rosie’s,” they both said at the same time.
It shouldn’t have sent a little zing through her chest that he’d come to the same conclusion she had.
“Great. I’ll see you then.”
Punching the end button, Lola gently set her phone face down on her desk. Her head was a mess, and not just because they were going to need to tackle some pretty heavy subjects tomorrow.
Every time she saw Erik, it was like a punch to the gut. A reminder of everything she’d had and lost. The sound of Colt’s wheels rubbing against the hardwood floor pulled her focus back where it needed to be.
He rolled up beside her and stared for several seconds. Her brother had always had this way of looking at you that made you think he was dissecting your mind, noticing everything you were trying to hide.
And his uncanny ability had only gotten more intense since his accident. It was like his freaking superpower. On more than one occasion, Lola had found herself filling his heavy silences with confessions she’d never had any intention of making.
It was a quality that would make him a good therapist when he finished his coursework.
“You okay?” he eventually asked.
She shrugged. She could lie and tell him yes, but he already knew the answer or he wouldn’t have been asking.
“I’m not saying this won’t be difficult. He broke my heart, Colt.”
“I know. I was there.”
“But I’m pretty sure he broke his own, too, so I can’t really be pissed about it. Or I can, but that anger is tempered with a healthy dose of regret and sadness. The bottom line is, I refuse to let our baby pay for our mistakes.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Take the next couple weeks and figure out how to be friends. I mean, we were always that, right? Even before we were lovers, we were friends.”
“Please, for the love of God, don’t ever use the word lovers with me again.”
Lola flicked a paper clip at her brother’s head, satisfied when it bounced harmlessly off his crown.
“I’m not picking that up, brat.”
“Whatever. We’ll figure it out. Because we really don’t have any other options. No matter what else he might be, there’s no doubt Erik will be an amazing dad.”
“When he’s here,” Colt mumbled beneath his breath, but not low enough that she wouldn’t hear.
A twinge of fear chased up her spine. Her brother had given voice to one of her biggest concerns.
“You know what he’s been doing for the past six years, Lola. A few months here. An assignment there. The longest he’s been anywhere is California, and whatever happened there has sent him running back here. He runs. Are you sure he won’t do that with the baby?”
No, she wasn’t. Not entirely. But she also knew that he’d been abandoned by his own father and sported those scars deep inside. On quiet nights when they’d talked, Erik had opened up to her about how difficult growing up without his dad had been. Her own dad had stepped in, filling that role for Erik in a way that had engendered a bit of hero worship. She wasn’t oblivious enough to ignore her father’s influence on Erik’s career choice.
Erik might not want to act like his own father now, but Lola didn’t have the heart to point out that he’d pretty much already done that by running away six years ago.
Still... “As sure as I can be. I’m not blind to his faults, Colt, but I don’t think he’ll abandon his child. And deep down, you don’t, either. I think maybe that’s why you’re so pissed at him...because he won’t walk away even if that might be easier for me. And maybe the baby.”
“No, I’m pissed because he’s an inconsiderate idiot who got my sister pregnant when he had no intention of seeing a relationship through. In a few weeks he’ll go back to his life, Lo, and leave you here with the baby. He’ll pop in now and again, no doubt bringing presents and playing the perfect dad before disappearing again. Once again, dodging responsibility.”
“Now, wait just a second. You don’t think that, not really. I get that you’re upset about this, but you’re putting all the blame on him, Colt, which isn’t fair.”
Sleeping with Erik had clearly been a mistake that neither of them needed to repeat. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant, they could have pretended that the night never happened.
Lola picked up another paper clip, unbending it absently. “I used to daydream about what he’d be like with our kids. At least now I don’t have to wonder.”
Giving her brother an unhappy smile, she said, “Life has a strange way of answering prayers in the most unexpected ways, huh?”
“Absolutely.” Reaching for her hand, Colt squeezed before letting go. “Would you like a little advice?”
Lola raked her gaze across her brother, her mouth pulling into a wry grimace. “Probably not, but you’re going to give it to me anyway, aren’t you?”
“Yep. Decide what you want and stand firm. You need to set the tone and expectations here. And whatever you do, don’t let yourself get wrapped back up in his life, Lola.”
She rubbed her hands over her face. Colt wasn’t telling her anything she hadn’t already told herself. Her biggest fear right now was that spending any time with Erik would bring up old emotions and make them feel new and exciting. “Erik is larger than life. Always has been. I’m so afraid that I’m not going to be able to resist him, Colt. I’ve never been able to tell him no. Hello, that’s pretty much how I ended up here.”
“Ugh, Lo. Haven’t we talked about this before? I do not want details.”
She smacked at his arm. “This baby wasn’t a miraculous conception, dingbat. But that night proved one thing. Nothing has changed. We still have chemistry and a physical connection that’s off the charts. But Erik’s not just a firefighter now. He’s a smoke jumper. He left here and found an even more dangerous line of work. Something that could take his life in the blink of an eye.”
Colt sighed. “Yeah. I heard one of the guys he worked with died in a fire a couple months ago.”
Lola sucked in a harsh breath, wondering if that had anything to do with Erik’s sudden appearance here in Sweetheart. Her chest ached at the thought.
Anytime she heard about a community losing a firefighter she couldn’t help but think of the danger her brother and father had faced. That Erik still faced. Somehow, over the years those thoughts had become tangled with the reality of losing her mom.
Her sudden hit of grief must have telegraphed all over her face because Colt said, “Losing Mom hit you hard.”
“It hit us all hard, but yeah.” She’d been young, thirteen. Old enough to remember her mom with that childlike worship that never matured into respect and understanding—what she shared with her dad. Young enough to feel the void that had never been filled.
She’d always lived with the reality that she could lose her father whenever he walked out the door. To then have her mother—the constant stability in her life—yanked away from her so suddenly and violently—well, she didn’t need a shrink to understand the psychological scars.
When her father had taken the job as chief, some of that residual fear had subsided. Until Colt and Erik joined. Then Colt’s accident had happened, and Erik had up and left.
Yeah, she wasn’t anywhere close to ready to contemplate giving their relationship a second chance. Especially because of a baby. That was a really terrible reason to jump into any relationship.
“I know what you’re worried about,” she said, “and it isn’t going to happen. If Erik had wanted a second chance, he could have asked for it at any point. He’s been here for six weeks. Instead, I haven’t heard from him since the night we were together.”
A sheepish expression crossed Colt’s face. “Yeah, well, that might have been my fault.”
“What did you do?” she asked, each word slow and deliberate.
“Nothing. Well, nothing that didn’t need to be done. I just gave him a gentle warning about playing with your emotions.”
Lola groaned. “I really wish you’d stop meddling in my life.”
Reaching out, Colt ruffled her hair. “Never gonna happen. That’s pretty much in the job description. You’d think you’d be used to it by now.”
“Fat chance. You do realize I’m an adult.”
Giving her a brilliant grin, Colt started rolling backward, his only answer a shrug that had her searching for another paper clip.
5
GOD WAS NOT answering any prayers today, good, bad or completely off the wall. Lola was running late thanks to the smallest Miller, who decided to spew fruit punch and Goldfish crackers all over her, her equipment and her favorite studio sofa. The vintage blue velvet one with the intricately carved feet.
Luckily, early sessions involving small children and nervous brides holding glasses of wine had taught her to have backup clothes available at all times. Colt was currently on the phone with a restoration company scheduled to come out and clean the sofa. And after a quick swipe of a damp cloth, her equipment was fine and functional.
But she was tired, queasy and sweating.
Unless Lexi was dragging her out for a run or to the gym, she hated to sweat.
She was sticky, frazzled and definitely in less than an ideal state of mind when she pushed open the door to Rosie’s.
The scent of marinara sauce, sourdough bread and Italian sausage smacked her in the face. How could she be both starving and nauseated at the same time?
Spotting Erik in a booth toward the back of the restaurant, she gestured to the hostess and then weaved through the tables.
“I was beginning to think you’d stood me up,” he said, getting to his feet as she approached and slid into the booth.
“The thought might have crossed my mind, but it wouldn’t have accomplished anything, so... I’m running behind because I had a small disaster with a tiny human during my last session.” Ironically, that probably should have made her give this motherhood thing a second thought, but it hadn’t.
“Do I want to know?”
“Not if you plan to eat anything with red sauce on it. Or, anything at all, really.”
Erik raised a single eyebrow but kept his lips firmly sealed.
“Smart man.” Their waiter had brought out a plate of bread and a little saucer with olive oil and herbs. She noted that Erik already ordered a sweet tea for her. She’d been drinking the stuff practically out of her baby bottle.
The fact that he remembered what she preferred to drink after so many years shouldn’t have made her smile, but it did.
She tore off a hunk of bread, sopped it through the oil and shoved it into her mouth. On the bright side, thanks to years of being comfortable with each other, she didn’t care one whit what Erik thought of her eating habits. “I’m starving.” Her uncooperative belly had settled down.
Ripping off more bread, she took another bite and slowly raised her gaze up to Erik’s. He was watching her, an enigmatic expression on his face.
There was a time where she’d known every single nuance of this man, but now she had no idea what he was thinking. And wasn’t in the right frame of mind to ask.
Their waiter came by and took their order, giving her a few minutes to find her equilibrium after everything that had happened today. Sitting back into the soft cushions of the booth, Lola asked, “What are your thoughts?”
“On what? The political climate? The weather we’re having? Who’s going to win the World Series this year?”
“Very funny. You’re a laugh a minute. On our baby.”
Something sharp passed through his gaze. It was there and gone before she could pinpoint or analyze.
“I’m not sure I have many.”
Lola couldn’t decide if that was a good or bad thing. Would he be open to her thoughts on visitation and co-parenting, or was he simply getting the lay of the land first?
“Well, I know that I plan to breast-feed.”
“That’s good. Everything I’ve read suggests that’s best for the baby. At least in the beginning.”
Everything he’d read?
“Have you been planning on kids with someone else?” The question was out, bypassing her filter before she could even form the thought that she shouldn’t ask.
“No. I already told you I’m not seeing anyone. I haven’t seen anyone even semiseriously for a year or so.”
Semiseriously? What the heck was that supposed to mean?
And a year or so. She couldn’t quite kill the part of her that wanted to hunt down whomever he’d been seeing then and rip the hair from her head. No, she didn’t normally struggle with violent reactions. Yes, she realized she had no right to be jealous. But there it was.
At least she was smart enough not to voice the impulse.
“Well, I suppose that’s good,” she said. “For you, anyway. Kinda difficult to explain going to visit your mom and coming home a daddy-to-be.”
His droll expression had her biting back a laugh. “I bought a book last night and started reading,” he said. “I do not recommend you buy the book, unless you want to be awake all night worrying about pregnancy complications and childhood illnesses, but it was...insightful.”
He’d bought a book. Last night. And from the sounds of things, had stayed up most of the night reading it. What the hell was she supposed to do with that?
Shaking her head, Lola said, “Noted. Anyway, so it won’t be practical for the baby to visit you in California probably for at least the first year. I mean, yeah, I could pump and send milk, but that’s a lot to store. I’d like to ask that you come back to Sweetheart, at least in the beginning.”
He frowned. “Why don’t you both come to California?”
“Because I have a business to run, one that d
oesn’t bring in any revenue if I’m not here working.”
“I’ll take care of you both.”
The urge to reach across the table and smack him upside the head was strong. She should have won brownie points for resisting.
“You know me better than that. I’m not the kind of girl who’d be happy being taken care of.”
“I know.” His rueful tone rubbed her the wrong way.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. I don’t want to fight about something that doesn’t matter anymore.”
But that implied something had mattered once. Yet he’d never bothered to tell her.
And now she wanted to know. Needed to know. She was surely some kind of masochist.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” she said. “You started this. Part of getting to the point of being friends is going to involve dealing with what happened between us. So spit it out. Clear the air.”
Erik shook his head, his mouth pulling down into a frown. “This is a bad idea.”
“I disagree.”
“And that, right there, was always a problem. You are a strong woman, Lola. Always have been. One of the things that drew me in was your fire and confidence. From the time you were a little girl, you had that spark.
“But you’re also bullheaded and blind to anyone else’s way of thinking. It never occurs to you that someone could see the world other than the way you do.”
That wasn’t true, was it? Lola sputtered, “I don’t...”
Erik’s expression softened. “You do. You’re a force to be reckoned with when you’ve got a cause or a goal. It’s amazing to watch, as long as I’m not the one standing in your path, about to be bowled over. Your dedication and determination are inspiring and intimidating at the same time. You’re infectious. I’ll never forget your sophomore year when you decided to organize a coat drive because you’d seen a news story about the homeless population in Charleston. I’ve always known you would accomplish amazing things. And I’ve always known you didn’t need me—or anyone—in order to do that.”
Up in Flames Page 6
