Up in Flames

by Kira Sinclair

  Jesus. She’d thought her heart had been broken years ago when Erik walked away. Shattered and mended. She’d been wrong. Somehow, his words today had managed to shatter her all over again. They hurt in a way she was pretty sure he hadn’t meant for them to.

  Didn’t change the fact that they did.

  “You idiotic man. I might not have needed you in order to be successful, but I sure as hell wanted you standing next to me. You left when I needed you most, Erik. I was devastated, going through the second worst experience of my life, and the man I thought would stand beside me through anything was just...gone.”

  All the emotions she’d fought during the days and weeks following Colt’s accident and Erik’s disappearance surfaced again, hot and caustic. Anger and disappointment burned through her gut.

  She wanted to yell at him, to let loose all the things she’d screamed at her bedroom walls in the middle of the night. But that wouldn’t solve anything right now. Instead, she swallowed the emotions back down...just like she’d been doing for six years.

  Old habits were hard to break.

  “You’re right, this was a bad idea,” she said through gritted teeth. “It isn’t the time or the place.”

  “No. We should have had this conversation years ago.”

  Ha! “Probably before you uprooted and left with barely a goodbye and no explanation.”

  Erik had thrown away their relationship of five years. And that was something she wasn’t willing to forget.

  “Lola. I...couldn’t stay. I couldn’t watch him suffer. I couldn’t watch you struggle.”

  “Right. That’s bullshit, and we both know it. You couldn’t deal with your guilt.”

  His head dropped and he whispered, “You’re right.”

  The admission should have made her feel...something. Vindication. Justification. Instead, she felt hollow. Because his admission changed absolutely nothing.

  “You think I don’t know Colt’s accident was entirely my fault?” he went on. “That I don’t live every single day with the knowledge that I cost my best friend his legs, his career and any chance at a family?”

  Erik’s palms slammed down onto the table, rattling plates and silverware. “Do you think I wouldn’t give everything I have to trade places with him? I’d do anything to fix what I broke, Lola.”

  He stared at her across the table, his stormy gray eyes a swirling mass of emotions that made her chest ache. She wanted to reach out and soothe him. She also wanted to hurt him the way he’d made her hurt for years.

  But she did neither. Instead, Lola sat there, unblinking. Waiting. For something that could never happen. Because no one could go back in time and fix what had happened.

  They were at a stalemate, neither of them knowing what to do or say. Silence stretched between them. Nausea rolled through Lola’s belly. Finally she murmured, “Now what?”

  Erik shrugged. “We deal with what’s in front of us instead of what we can’t change from the past.” Erik picked up her hand and threaded her fingers through his. “We can figure this out, Lola. Together.”

  God, she hoped he was right. For the baby’s sake if not for their own.

  But she had her doubts.

  Being around Erik was...confusing. She wanted to hate him. A part of her really did. But she couldn’t stop caring about him.

  Which was exceedingly stupid. She needed to be careful not to let herself get attached to Erik again. They were going to share a child, nothing more. She’d given him her heart once and he’d handed it back.

  He’d run away and spent the last six years wandering from job to job, place to place, never settling anywhere. Erik was reckless and restless, two things she couldn’t afford even if a baby weren’t involved.

  She needed to remember that she couldn’t rely on Erik. She’d counted on him once. She wasn’t going to make that same mistake again.

  * * *

  THE BELL OVER the door of Bliss Photography tinkled when Erik opened it.

  He’d driven by Lola’s studio numerous times since he’d been home. Right on Main Street, it was hard to miss. Like the other stores along the street, the building had an old-world, homey feel, with intricate woodwork along the eaves and two amazing displays of her photos in the windows.

  Inside were even more examples of Lola’s talent. Huge canvases of kids and babies. Families and brides. Even a few landscapes. He wasn’t much of a judge of art, but her work was amazing. He’d always thought so. She’d only gotten better over the years. Her ability to capture people in a way that made them beautiful and human at the same time was a talent he admired.

  His boots echoed off the hardwood floors as he walked down the hallway, glancing to the left and right, taking in the props and wide-open studio space. There was an expectant silence, almost like Lola’s studio was waiting for the laughter and noise that would bring it to life when clients joined the party.

  God, what he wouldn’t give to see her in action.

  “Come on back,” Colt’s voice rang out from somewhere in the rear.

  Erik headed toward the only open doorway with light spilling out.

  “Hey, man,” Erik called. “Still speaking to me? Or do I need to brace for an ass-kicking?”

  Over the last few weeks he and Colt had picked up their friendship. After that first night, neither of them had mentioned the accident or what had happened six years ago. Colt had apparently said all he’d wanted to on the subject, and Erik wasn’t ready to rip into his own thoughts just yet.

  Maybe he was more of a coward than he’d ever realized.

  He had to admit, it had been wonderful to have his best friend back, even temporarily. Sure, he had friends that he hung with, and even one in California that he’d become pretty close to. But he and Colt had been friends since they were ten. There was just no replacing that kind of history.

  Colt knew everything about him. Or he used to.

  And it bothered Erik now to wonder if his rash actions with Lola were going to cost him this fledgling reunion. He wouldn’t blame Colt for being pissed. Hell, if he had a sister who’d accidentally gotten pregnant...yeah, he’d have bloodied his knuckles on the guy’s face long before now.

  Colt jerked his chin up in a distracted greeting. With a final glance at the computer screen, he pushed away from the desk. Erik loitered in the doorway, and for several seconds he simply let the question hang in the air, unanswered.

  He fully expected to get a verbal beat down from Lola’s brother. But after debating the merits of letting Colt’s temper cool or getting the punishment over with, he’d decided better to take a page from Lola’s book and deal with the situation head-on.

  Arms crossed over his chest, Colt glared at him. “You definitely deserve an ass-kicking, but Lola’s pretty capable of doing that herself, so I won’t bother.”

  Well, that was a small relief. He really didn’t want to fight a guy in a wheelchair.

  “Am I happy with what’s happening? Hell, no. Erik, you weren’t here to see how devastated she was when you left. I have to admit that I was happy to see you back off after that first night we talked. It was the right thing to do. But now...” Colt shook his head.

  “It’s a clusterfuck.” It was a relief to say it out loud. He hadn’t said that to Lola. He’d wanted to appear strong and confident for her.

  “Oh, you’ve got that right. You two both have some major decisions to make and now, no matter what, you’ll be involved in each other’s lives forever.”

  The way Colt said it made clear he didn’t think that was a good thing. Which hurt more than Erik wanted to admit. Sure, over the years Colt had given him shit about dating his little sister. But he’d never once told Erik he wasn’t good enough for Lola.

  And now Erik wasn’t good enough for Colt’s sister or for the niece or nephew o
n the way.

  A part of Erik even agreed. He was scared out of his ever loving mind. But he’d never admit it.

  Instead, he projected a sense of calm he was far from feeling. “We’ll figure it out, man. I loved your sister, but more than that, I respect her. She’s always been strong and confident. Known exactly what she wanted and had a plan to get it. She’s going to be an amazing mom.”

  “On that, at least, we agree.”

  An uncomfortable silence filled the space between them. Erik shifted on his feet, jangling the change in his pockets. “So...where is she?”

  Colt narrowed his eyes before slowly answering. “Home. Today wasn’t a good day. I rescheduled her afternoon appointments and chased her out.”

  It went without saying that Colt had most likely done this without actually consulting her. Both men knew she wouldn’t have willingly rescheduled a client unless she was passed out or in the hospital. Stubborn woman.

  Part of Erik was disappointed to miss the fireworks—no doubt Lola fought him every step of the way as her brother escorted her out of the building.

  God, the woman could be so frustrating. But he didn’t like hearing she wasn’t feeling well. He was surprised to find himself upset that she hadn’t told him.

  Logically he knew she didn’t have any requirement to let him know. But she was carrying his baby, and it felt like he should be taking care of her. She’d never let him, though, even if they’d been in a relationship. Which they weren’t.

  God, this was frustrating and complicated.

  Now that he thought of it, there was something he could do. Something concrete he could focus on, instead of the unanswered questions. Like how they were going to handle the logistics of coparenting.

  Or how they were going to find their way back to being friends, at least.

  Flipping a wave, Erik said, “Later,” and walked out the door. Colt’s grumble followed him, but Erik couldn’t muster up the energy to care what he was saying.

  He made a couple of stops along the way, and twenty minutes later, he was standing on Lola’s front porch, his arms filled with supplies.

  Erik juggled everything, managing to knock softly.

  It didn’t take long before Lola was standing in the middle of the open doorway, staring up at him out of heavy-lidded eyes. Her face was pale beneath the honey tone of her skin and clean of any makeup. Her hair was pulled onto the top of her head in a messy knot that had straggling curls trailing down her neck. She wore the tiniest pair of athletic shorts and a tank top that clung to every curve of her body.

  God, how could she look so edible and miserable at the same time?

  “Now is not a good time, Erik. Go away.” She didn’t bother to wait before trying to shut the door in his face. He was fast enough to wedge a foot in and stop it from closing.

  “Wait. I come bearing gifts. Colt told me you weren’t feeling well.” Pushing past her, Erik walked into her house. He went straight to the kitchen counter jutting into the open living room and let his pile of goodies cascade down. “I wasn’t sure what would work so I brought a little of everything—saltines, ginger ale, chicken noodle soup, popsicles, pickles—”

  “Pickles?” The expression on her face suggested that one had been a bad decision.

  He shrugged. “I figured if you didn’t want them now, maybe you would later.” Turning, he took her in. She hesitated, halfway across the room and hovering beside the closed front door like she was just waiting for a reason to usher him out again.

  “I also picked up a couple movies. Something to maybe take your mind off things.”

  She huffed, but didn’t immediately tell him to leave.

  So he decided to press his luck. “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “About what?”

  “To tell me you weren’t feeling well.”

  “Because it isn’t your problem.”

  Erik sighed. They had very different ideas about how this was going to work. Crossing to her, he grasped her shoulders, ducked until he was looking her straight in the eyes and said, “Yes, it is. You’re pregnant with my child, Lola. That means something to me.”

  Her frown didn’t give him the warm fuzzies. “I hear you.”

  “Apparently you don’t. We might not be together, but you aren’t dealing with this alone. Any of it. If you’re sick, I want to know.”

  Jerking her gaze away, Lola tried to pull out of his hold, but he tightened his grip, keeping her right where she belonged. Maybe she wasn’t ready to hear his words, but that wouldn’t stop him from showing her that he really meant them.

  Erik turned her around, led her over to the sofa and gently pushed her down. “Now, what do you want?”

  Lola glared up at him. He tried not to let the stubborn set of her mouth charm him, but it was difficult. There was something about her feisty temper that entertained him and always had. Not that he didn’t have a healthy respect for her when she was angry—he absolutely did.

  After several seconds she mumbled an obscenity, slumped against the cushions and said, “Chicken soup sounds good. I haven’t been able to keep anything down, but suddenly I’m starving.”

  Erik began rummaging through the bags, pulling out the container he’d grabbed from Main Street Deli. With a pat on the hand as she’d passed it across the counter, Mrs. Houston, the owner, had promised him it would be just the thing to soothe Lola’s tummy.

  He didn’t question how she knew what was wrong with Lola. There was little doubt the entire town was already aware of Lola’s pregnancy and the circumstances leading to it.

  Pulling open drawers until he found her spoons, Erik brought over both containers, along with a glass of ginger ale and a sleeve of crackers. He set the entire spread in front of her and pulled her coffee table closer. He ignored the way she glared at him for rearranging her furniture.

  Erik sat beside her and started eating his soup. Mrs. Houston was right; it was pretty damn good.

  He watched as Lola took a couple of tentative bites and then waited. Her entire body relaxed when she finally took a few more. The hum of satisfaction that rumbled through her chest echoed straight through his. The bliss that crossed her face was worth every damn penny and the multiple stops he’d made along the way.

  They ate in silence. When she’d drained the bowl, Erik took it from her, brought everything to the kitchen and put the dishes into the dishwasher. Without a word, he refilled her glass, popped one of the movies he’d picked into her player and then settled back down beside her.

  Lola stiffened. “I appreciate the soup more than you know, Erik. But it’s time for you to leave.” She tried to push up from the sofa, but his big hand across her thigh stalled her.

  Erik felt the jolt of energy shoot up his arm. It shouldn’t have surprised him. His body had always reacted that way to Lola, like she was a live wire. Flexing his fingers, he pulled his hand away.

  “Relax. I’m only here to help, nothing more.”

  The way she looked at him cut straight through to his soul. The punch of turmoil and uncertainty she couldn’t quite hide.

  “We need to figure out how to be in the same room without all the tension and uncomfortable history churning between us. Consider this a first step. Let me stay for a little while. Make sure you’re okay. For my peace of mind if nothing else. Please.”

  He watched her mouth soften, the tension that had tightened the edges of her eyes slipping away. Her shoulders rose and fell as she pulled in a deep breath and then let it out with a silent sigh.

  “Okay.”

  She settled back against the sofa. At least she had a bit more color in her cheeks.

  Lola was clearly trying to keep some distance between them, though. Erik couldn’t help but look at the gap and feel the echo of it slam through him. He didn’t want there to be any s
pace. The last time he and Lola had watched a movie together, she’d been cuddled in his lap. In fact, they never actually finished watching that movie because neither of them could keep their hands off each other.

  The memory rattled him. He didn’t want to feel like this, like they were strangers when for so long he’d been closer to Lola than anyone.

  And because he was perverse, about twenty minutes into the movie—a romantic comedy that he was paying zero attention to—Erik reached out and gently maneuvered Lola until she was leaning against him. Before she could voice a protest, he pressed his unfair advantage and began to massage his fingers across her scalp—her weakness, he knew from experience.

  Her smothered moan zinged straight below his belt, but he ignored the reaction. That wasn’t what this was about. They’d been friends long before they’d been lovers. He wanted that back—even if he probably shouldn’t, or didn’t deserve it.

  Erik kept the motion up, enjoying the feel of her soft hair threading through his fingers. Her supple body melted slowly, trustingly against him. The smooth, even tempo of her breathing told him she’d drifted into sleep.

  He stayed there, probably long after he should have left, because no part of him wanted to move. Six long years. A lot of experiences and emotions. Memories he fought against on a regular basis. And regrets. So many regrets. They all swirled in his head, somehow clouding things and leaving him restless and comfortable all at once.

  It was late, closer to morning than night, when he finally scooped Lola into his arms and carried her to her bedroom at the back of the house. Tucking her beneath the covers, instinct made him press a kiss to her forehead like he had the right. The tight knot in his gut reminded him that he didn’t.

  Erik slowly moved through the house, checking that everything was secure. He turned off the TV and stood at her front door for several long seconds, a huge part of him wishing he could have stayed.

  Leaving felt wrong.

  6

  LOLA HAD BEEN out of sorts all morning. Not entirely surprising for her lately, although today her disorientation had nothing to do with morning sickness and everything to do with the fact that she’d woken up with Erik’s scent filling her lungs and a stupid smile curling her lips.