Breath of Life 03 - Moments

by Sara Marion

  “One more, please.”

  “Before the boys get here? You show up a little bit earlier each time you come in. Need to talk about it?”

  “No, I’m fine. Meet me later?”

  “Working the closing shift tonight, so I can stop by after work if you want?” She scooted a little closer to Duke.

  “Hmm, maybe tomorrow after my game? School night and all,” he smirked. He knew he shouldn’t be out on a Thursday but Jack was bringing Paxton over to the house for dinner. Apparently the cabin was getting some new windows and she needed somewhere to stay while they finished up. Duke couldn’t look at Paxton without his chest ripping apart. The bar was the only place he could be right now as Sage and his new wife were still settling into their new place and Drew was working late but they all decided to get together for their pizza and beer night before a game. It was a ritual that Duke was grateful he had at the moment. It kept him from becoming a hermit. He knew that if that if he stopped showing up and tried to shut himself away, they would only question him about it. They knew what was going on but they let Duke keep his distance when he needed it. Once in a while they would ask but it was a subject they just didn’t talk about.

  “Sure, let me go get your drink, but after this, water. Can’t have you getting fired from your job,” she winked as she picked up her tray and left.

  Duke watched her walk away. Lexi was a good person, she deserved to be taken by someone who didn’t use her as a warm body in their bed. Even though he and Lexi didn’t want relationships, she didn’t deserve to be someone’s fuck buddy. Duke knew he was only sleeping with her to try to erase Paxton. He hadn’t spoken to Paxton since he left the emergency room, he still ached for her. She tore his world apart, took his wife and child, but his heart still yearned for her. Duke hated himself for it.

  A few minutes later, Sage and Drew arrived. Duke was pulled from his thoughts once more. This is what he loved about the guys, they were there whenever he needed them but didn’t suffocate him.

  “So why aren’t we meeting at your place tonight? It was your turn to host right?” Drew asked.

  “I figured we should change it up anyways. Jack and Paxton are staying at the house and I can’t bear to watch them together.”

  “Hoping to get Lexi to fix your itch?” Sage asked. They both knew that he ran to Lexi on nights like this.

  “No, it’s not like that.” Duke didn’t like to think of her as a booty call. What they had was merely an agreement. They supported each other.

  Drew and Sage chuckled. “Look you can bang whoever you want, we don’t care but come on, don’t lie to us,” Drew slapped him on the back.

  “Yeah, we know you are still thinking about Paxton, but Lexi isn’t Paxton…or Ella. Just do something. You can’t live your life like this. Yes, you are getting out of the house, but something is still off with you. You are throwing yourself into work, your students, which can be a good thing, but let Paxton go. She made her choice,” Sage stared at Duke after his little speech. Duke knew telling Sage and Drew about his lingering feelings about Paxton was for the best but they can be insensitive pricks sometimes. “Lexi is a good for you. She likes you. Don’t hurt her because you are angry.”

  Duke knew Sage was right. Lexi became a good friend to everyone. From time to time over the last month, she came out with them. She fit perfectly into their group. She was one of the guys and the no-strings sex with Duke was a bonus. Although lately Duke noticed she was staring a little longer when they weren’t lost in their own dismal thoughts while they were together. They would lay their breathless afterwards and not move. Sometimes they just fell asleep, their bodies still tangled together. No doubt her feelings were growing slowly but surely for him day by day. Soon the strings would come and Duke wasn’t ready for that.

  Duke drank his beer. Drew and Sage changed the subject but his mind was still lingering on what Sage had just said. Lexi was a great girl, if he had any sense he would listen to Sage. He just wasn’t ready to open himself up again as the scars were still visible on his heart. The hurt hadn’t faded far enough away for him to even think about moving on.

  TWO

  Duke headed back to the house. He had a couple hours before the home game and he forgot his tennis shoes in his room when he was packing his bag this morning. He figured he would grab them quickly and head off to the field. He liked to get there before everyone and just sit and think about things and get his head in the game. He walked into the living room and froze. There laid Paxton and Jack sleeping on the couch, wrapped up in one another, much like he was with Lexi last night.

  Duke stood there staring at them. They probably didn’t expect him to come home before the game. Jack did his best to warn him if Paxton would be at the house. Jack walked a fine line between the two people he cared for most, Duke and Paxton. Duke wished things were different. He knew it wasn’t fair to Jack to make him walk that line but Paxton, well Duke could live without seeing her again. However, here she was wrapped up in Jack’s arms and their legs tangle together. Duke felt his heart drop. They were happy and he was in his own private hell, the one he used Lexi to try to get out of from time to time.

  Duke walked quietly to his room and grabbed his shoes. He took a moment to collect himself before leaving the sanctity of his room. She made her choice, her choice was Jack, not him. He needed to get that through his head. Well he did, his heart still wasn’t listening though. Taking a deep breath he headed back out.

  “Duke?” a quiet voice sounded as he was sneaking through the living room.

  Duke turned and saw a sleepy-eyed Paxton staring over at him. Jack was still sound asleep. Duke looked down at the floor and turned back towards the door, he was trying to hide his fleeting emotions running across his face from her. He would not let her see this. He would not let her know how much she still affected him.

  A warm hand slid down his back. He grimaced at her touch, but relished it all at the same time. Her hand came up to his shoulder and he moved out of her grip. Her touch made his skin tingle and burn. He knew she shouldn’t do this, she made her choice.

  “Need something?” His voice was quiet and showed no strength on his part. He was broken and she needed to know it. He didn’t bother turning around, just tilted his ear in her direction waiting for her answer.

  “I just wanted to see how you were doing, we don’t talk anymore and we barely see each other.”

  “Don’t. Don’t pretend nothing is going on between us,” he turned and faced her.

  “Please, you’re still my friend-”

  “No!” He tried to keep his voice firm without raising it. He didn’t want to wake Jack. He slightly turned his body to face her, to make sure he was crystal clear with her. “No, I was your best friend’s husband, her child’s father. I was your lover, but we,” he paused, his hand motioning between them. “We are not friends. You chose Jack over me, you chose the man who ran out on you versus the one who stayed and dried your tears. You didn’t choose me, the one that held you all those nights, the one who helped you every step of the way. So don’t. I’m not your friend. I just can’t do this. We aren’t happening anymore, we are done, history, however you want to define it. There can never be anything between us again. Hell could freeze over, you could be the last woman on Earth, but I won’t go there with you again. You have broken me, you’ve done enough damage. So just leave me be.” With that, Duke walked away, not giving her a chance to say a damn thing. He saw the hurt in her eyes and he couldn’t help but feel justified, but his chest tightened as he closed the door behind him. The war between his head and heart was still going strong, but he didn’t need to let Paxton see that. He couldn’t give her any hope that they could go back to what they were, friends and/or lovers.

  ***

  Duke looked out at his players warming up. He still couldn’t shake the images of Paxton, the feel of her hand on his back, or the concern in her voice.

  “Hey you!” Duke turned around and saw Lexi on the o
ther side of the fence.

  “Hey what are you doing here? I thought you were working tonight. I was going to come see you later.” Duke headed around the dugout fence towards her.

  “I switched shifts so I can see the team play.” She gave him a hug. “Maybe we can still see each other later?” She raised her eyebrows.

  Duke caught the hidden meaning. “I think a that would be a good idea.”

  “Coach, I need your lineup,” the ump called from the field.

  “Gotta go, see you after the game?”

  “Yeah, go get ‘em coach,” she teased.

  Duke turned and jogged towards the field and home plate. He handed the piece of paper over to the announcer in the announcer’s box. He then headed over to his players.

  “Come on guys, bring it in.”

  Duke waited for all the players to gather around them. They all looked prepared for this.

  “Alright, it’s game time boys. We need to win today and Tuesday then we will be well on our way to State. Play like we did in practice and this will be easy. Now who’s ready to win?”

  “WE ARE!”

  “Who’s house is this?”

  “OURS!”

  “Indians on three. One. Two. Three!”

  “INDIANS!”

  They turned and gathered for other pre-game rituals, mentally preparing for the innings that lay in front of them and getting ready for the game to commence.

  Duke smiled as his players took their positions in the outfield. This game was looking good against Topeka. His boys were focused and ready to win. They wanted State just as bad as Duke did. They were so close and he was ready. If they win these next two games, they will be in the playoffs.

  The first couple of innings went by scoreless. Finally in the third, bats started going. Duke was pleased but Topeka came to play today. It was the top of the fourth and they were tied, 3-3. Duke heard the crack of the bat. Topeka hit a line drive to his pitcher. His breath caught in his chest. Ryan, his pitcher, reacted to the sound. He put his glove up and caught it. He quickly threw it back to first and it was a double play. The stands filled with noise as the play unfolded. Duke heard one cheer in particular that kept his breath from moving.

  He turned and looked for her. It wasn’t possible that she was here. Duke’s eyes searched the crowd but he didn’t see her. He looked for the blonde hair and green eyes of his wife. There was no way Ella could be there but the cheer he heard, it sounded just like her. The crack of the next bat brought more cheers. His view settled on a brunette. It was her cheer that sounded so much like Ella’s. She turned and glanced at him. Her smile was beautiful and wide. She turned her attention back to the game and cheered the boys on. Duke couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Images of her and Ella blended together and he felt the world spin around him.

  He heard more cheering, for what he didn’t know. Soon his players started heading into the dugout. They must have gotten the third out. He sat in an empty spot on the bench as he could no longer stand. His thoughts wandering towards the woman in the bleachers.

  “Coach? You okay?”

  Duke looked up. His players were looking over at him. “Uh, yeah. Great job guys, let’s get our bats going.”

  Duke stood and put his game face back on. He just needed to focus on the game. Get through the game then he can deal with everything else.

  “Taylor you’re up, Andy on deck and Jimmy in the hole. Let’s get these bats going!” Duke clapped trying to keep the momentum of the team going. His lapse in judgment, getting his head out of the game, will not and cannot distract his team right now. They need to know he is still here. He ran out to 3rd base, one of his assistants took first.

  The rest of the game went smooth. He squeezed his eyes shut every time he heard the cheers, trying to block her out. It was easy when he was directing players to run home or stay on base. In the dugout, it was harder but he managed.

  The game was finally over and they had won by one run. He was proud of his boys for sticking it out and not buckling under the pressure. Parents came and congratulated before letting their sons go off to celebrate. The woman he tried so hard to ignore now stood in front of him as Chase was talking to him.

  “Hey, so glad you made it!” Chase hugged her quickly. He turned towards Duke as she did as well. “Coach, this is my Aunt Jennah.”

  “Hi, nice to meet you,” Jennah extended her hand. Her green eyes reminded him of Ella. Her voice sounded like Ella. It was like he was reaching out to a ghost, his past haunting him only in a slightly different form.

  “Pleasure. Coach Avery. Glad you could make it out,” Duke took her hand. He noticed her soft skin and ring-less finger. Their handshake lasted a few moments too long as they both stared at each other.

  She released Duke’s hand and then squeezed Chase one more time.

  “Well, I just wanted to say congrats on the win and Dobry and I will see you later.”

  Duke stood back and watched Jennah walk off. She was beautiful. She had brown hair that fell just below her shoulders, she wasn’t as petite as Ella was but she had a similar build. Her voice though, it sent a chill to his bone. If he closed his eyes, he would bet his life that it was Ella who stood before him. That’s what scared him the most about the woman he just met. He hoped that she wouldn’t show up to any more games. He didn’t need the distraction or the reminder of what he no longer had. Besides she had Dobry, whoever that was.

  THREE

  Duke stared at the cool stone. Ever since he met Jennah, Ella hadn’t left his thoughts. Now sitting here in front of her, all he could think about was Paxton trying to be his friend the other night. No matter where he went, those two women were torturing him mentally. Duke didn’t know how everything got so screwed up.

  “Thought I would find you here,” a voice came from behind him.

  Duke didn’t bother turning around. The person standing there was nobody to him. “What do you want Pax?”

  “To talk.”

  “There’s nothing to say. Go home.”

  “Duke-”

  “Leave or I will.”

  “I’m not leaving you. I know you need someone.”

  “What we had is over. You didn’t choose me. If I did need someone right now, it sure as hell isn’t you,” he raised his voice.

  When she said nothing or made no move to leave, Duke stood up and walked toward his car. He couldn’t figure out what she was trying to accomplish by befriending him. Why couldn’t she just leave him alone and move on with her own life? A life with Jack.

  “This isn’t fair Duke!”

  Duke stopped and turned. She was jogging after him. “Life isn’t fair! Nothing is ever fair!”

  “Don’t you tell me about life not being fair, I know it’s not. Why are you only shutting me out and not Jack? He chose me as well.”

  “Because Jack didn’t lie to me for years. Because Jack didn’t keep me from mourning my family and because Jack didn’t use the information to keep me at arm’s length.”

  “I thought it was for the best. You weren’t stuck in a place like you are now.”

  “Don’t. Don’t tell me how I would have reacted.”

  “Duke, please. You’re my friend.”

  “Funny way of showing it. Jump from one bed to the next. Keeping information until it suits you.”

  Duke felt a sting on his cheek. He saw tears in Paxton’s eyes as she rubbed the palm of her hand. She turned and walked away. He ran after her and grabbed her arm.

  “I’m sorry. That was out of line,” he apologized, regretting the words he said.

  “You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t think it was true. You’ve changed. You’re not the same person I once knew, but it’s because of me,” she jerked her arm out of his grip. “I’m going.”

  The hurt in Paxton’s voice and her words sunk in. Duke knew he was being unfair to her. He was still speaking to Jack somewhat and he went back to her. He watched her drive off.

  He turned and look
ed back at Ella. Paxton was right. He wasn’t the same person. He was out drinking more, pushing his team harder, auto-piloting through his life, wishing he had the family he lost. He sighed knowing that he had to change. He couldn’t spend his life thinking about the what-ifs. Climbing into the car, he knew he had to find himself again as he couldn’t recognize who he had become.

  He drove back to the house in silence. He didn’t even turn on the radio. He sat there and thought about what he needed to do to get over this. If he wanted to keep Jack as a friend, he would need to let Paxton back into his life. No more attacking her. She wasn’t a spiteful or hateful person. She had to have done it with good intentions, right? She loved Ella, they were practically sisters. Paxton was right though. Duke was able to start thinking about moving on when it was just Ella. He was happy before he found out about the baby. Maybe in time, he could be happy again, just maybe.

  Pulling into the driveway, Duke knew he had some apologies to make to both Jack and Paxton, but mostly Paxton. He noticed Jack’s car in the driveway.

  The house was quiet when he walked in. He hoped Jack was there. Duke needed to make amends and Jack was the easiest to start with. After all, Jack had been tiptoeing around Duke ever since he made it known he wanted to get back together with Paxton. That was not fair to his friend. Duke knew he would hate if he had to do that with the person he loved.

  “Jack?” Duke yelled out after not seeing him in the living room or kitchen.

  No answer. He headed back towards Jack’s bedroom. He knocked on the door, “Jack?”