What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20

by Tina Seelig

  The best way to know whether you should walk away from a deal is to understand your other choices, so you can accurately compare them to the deal at hand. In negotiation lingo this is called a BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement). Always know your BATNA when you start to negotiate. Stan uses a case study involving Disney and a group of environmentalists to illustrate this point. Disney wanted to build a new theme park and the environmentalists were opposed. They went around and around on what Disney could do to protect the environment while still building the park. The two sides were unable to reach an agreement, and the deal fell apart. The result? The new park wasn’t built. However, shortly thereafter, the land was sold to a developer, who built tract housing on the same spot. The impact of the housing was much worse than the theme park’s impact would have been. Had the environmentalists taken their BATNA—or possible alternative—into account, they would have realized that reaching a deal with Disney was the preferred outcome.

  This happens in our everyday lives, too. If we don’t fully appreciate our alternatives, we may make a big mistake. For example, you may walk away from a job offer that isn’t perfect only to find that you are unemployed, or stick with a relationship that isn’t optimal because you didn’t realize that you actually had much better opportunities elsewhere.

  In general, to negotiate effectively you need to understand your own goals as well as the goals of the other party, attempt to come up with a win-win outcome, and know when to walk away. It sounds simple, but it takes a lot of effort to master these skills and to ensure that both parties are satisfied.

  * * *

  Getting out of your own head and seeing other people’s perspectives is critical well beyond negotiations. It is important to make all relationships work, to make teams work, and to make yourself successful. With increased empathy, it becomes clear that most people are struggling with something. Some of those struggles are easily visible, like a broken leg or a black eye, while most reside deep below the surface. I love the lyrics from a Red Hot Chili Peppers song: “Scar tissue that I wish you saw.” This line reminds me that we never really know what’s going on with someone else.

  In fact, our own pains and disappointments are a gateway to understanding and appreciating the pains and disappointments of others, and a reminder that we should treat everyone as if they have a “broken heart” because they probably do. Yes, each challenge we face presents us with the opportunity to develop tools for coping with similar challenges in the future. But it also provides an opportunity to experience and appreciate the world from others’ perspectives.

  Unfortunately, in school most of us spend so much time in situations in which we’re encouraged to win at someone else’s expense that it’s hard to get practice helping others. I remember my first week of college, when I asked a girl in my dorm to help me with a calculus assignment. Without skipping a beat, she said, “If I help you, then you will do better than I will and you’ll get into medical school and I won’t.” I’m not exaggerating. She wasn’t willing to help me because we might be competing four years in the future. Years later, I listened to my son lament that all of his classes were graded on a curve. This meant that in addition to focusing on learning the material for an exam, he and his classmates had to think about how well they would perform relative to one another. This is a huge disincentive to helping others.

  After years of learning in such an environment, I had no idea how to be a good team player. It took me a long time to realize that this competitive mindset, in which you win at someone else’s expense, is completely counterproductive. Almost everything in life is done in teams, and those who don’t know how to make others successful are at a huge disadvantage. The best team players go to great lengths to make others successful. In fact, the higher you reach within an organization, the less important your individual contributions become. Instead, your job becomes leading, inspiring, and motivating others. Most of your work is done by colleagues tasked with implementing your ideas. Therefore, if you can’t work well with others, then your ability to execute diminishes. Successful team players understand what drives each person on the team and look for ways to make them successful. Additionally, great leaders figure out a way for everyone to play to his or her individual strengths.

  I’ve been on teams in which everyone on the team feels as though he or she got the “easy” job. If you think about it, this is the perfect work environment. Each person is doing what he or she does best and is extremely appreciative of what the other people on the team bring to the table. Everyone has a job perfectly tuned to their skills and interests. Each person feels great about their contributions and celebrates the contributions of others. The saying “Paint the target around the arrow” summarizes this wonderfully. I first heard this from my colleague Forrest Glick. It had been a mantra in his group when he worked at Harvard University. The idea is that you should pick the most talented person you can (the arrow) and then craft the job (the target) around what he or she does best. If you allow really talented people to do what they do best, then the results are astonishing. They’re fulfilled and, therefore, much more productive than if they were doing something that didn’t fit their talents or interests. The key is putting together a team with the right complement of skills.

  No matter where you are, you are very likely to need help from others to succeed. This includes help finding information, resources, contacts, and opportunities. Knowing how to ask for help is pivotal. If you ask properly, you are much more likely to get a positive response, and if you ask poorly, you probably won’t get a response. Heidi Roizen is incredibly generous in helping others and says that the way others ask determines the type of response they get from her. For example, she tells our students that when people ask her for a favor, they often optimize their own time and put more of the burden on her. They may send her a rambling email that she will have to parse to figure out what they want, and then cut it apart to send to different people. Instead, she suggests doing your homework. If Heidi has offered to introduce you to several people, then create a set of customized messages that she can easily forward with a short introduction. If you make it easy for her to help you, she will do it quickly. If you make it hard for her, she says, your request will drop to the bottom of her stack.3 Essentially, make it easy for others to help you. Look at the situation from their perspective, and figure out how to make the ask as simple as possible.

  We live in a complex world and are deeply dependent upon others. Therefore, it is critically important to know how to work well with others, optimize your negotiations, extract the most from your teams, and make yourself easy to help. Each of these skills propels you forward while also helping those around you reach their objectives.

  Chapter 11

  Will This Be on the Exam?

  I never use slides in my class, except on the first day, when I describe what we’ll cover over the ten-week quarter. The final slide always lists my commitments to the class and what I expect of the students. The last point is “Never miss an opportunity to be fabulous.” I promise to deliver my very best in each class and expect the same from them. I also tell the students that I have no problem giving everyone an A, but that the bar is set very high. This is the first and last time I mention this.

  So what happens? The students consistently deliver more than I or they ever imagined. They embrace the idea of being fabulous with remarkable enthusiasm and raise the bar repeatedly as the quarter progresses. In fact, several years ago I arrived at class a few minutes early and found one of my students sitting outside listening to her new iPod Nano. I hadn’t seen one before and asked to take a look. She handed it to me and turned it over. The back was engraved with the words “Never miss an opportunity to be fabulous!” Apparently, when she ordered it online, she had the option of having it engraved. Instead of adding her name or contact information, she chose this message, which she wanted to remember every day. She certainly didn’t do this for me; she did it for herself.


  I’m no longer surprised by the stickiness of this message. I now know that everyone is just waiting to get this instruction. They’re hungry for permission to do their very best, to hit the ball out of the park, and to shine their brightest. Unfortunately, in most situations this doesn’t happen. We’re encouraged to “satisfice.” That is, we’re subtly or not so subtly encouraged to do the least amount we can to satisfy the requirements. For example, teachers give assignments and clearly state what’s required to get specific grades. And the classic question posed to a teacher is “Will this be on the exam?” Students have learned through years of reinforcement that all they need to do is meet the minimum requirement to get the grade they want. This happens at work as well, when bosses outline specific objectives for their staff and create rubrics and metrics for giving bonuses and promotions.

  It’s easy to meet expectations, knowing exactly what you will get in return. But amazing things happen when you remove the cap. In fact, I believe there’s a huge pent-up drive in each of us to blow off the cap. Like a soda bottle that’s been shaken, individuals who remove perceived limits achieve remarkable results.

  There are some people who always deliver their best, even in very challenging situations. Consider Ashwini Doshi, whom I first met about fifteen years ago when, as a graduate student, she applied for a research assistant job in our department. Despite my openness, I was really taken aback when she walked into my office for the job interview. Ashwini was a beautiful woman, and she was only three and a half feet tall. Her voice was that of a little girl, but her ideas were those of a mature adult. I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t hire her for the position. This happened to Ashwini a lot. People were so surprised by her appearance that it usually took several interactions before they were comfortable enough to see past her physical differences. I’m fortunate that she decided to take my course, because it gave me an opportunity to get to know her quite well. When another position became available in our group, I jumped at the chance to hire her. Ashwini’s work was exemplary, she was a terrific team player, and she always went way beyond what was expected.

  Born in Mumbai (formerly Bombay), Ashwini grew up in a household of nineteen—her father, his three brothers, their wives, all of their children, and her grandparents. She was born normal size, but by the time she was a year old, it was clear that she wasn’t growing properly. The doctors in India weren’t able to provide guidance on her care, so her parents sent X-rays of her tiny skeleton to specialists in the United States. The only medical option was to put bone extensions in each of her extremities, a process that would have required extensive surgery over six years. She also would have been bedridden for months at a time, which was out of the question for this very active young girl.

  Ashwini was fortunate that her family was so open-minded and loving. In many families, someone so different would have caused great embarrassment and, so, been hidden away. But they didn’t do this to Ashwini. In fact, she went to the best schools in Bombay and always excelled. She had a remarkably positive attitude, and from a young age felt strangely empowered by her differences. Ashwini thought of herself as a normal person living an extraordinary life.

  Ashwini sincerely felt that there was nothing she couldn’t do and demonstrated this time and again. She came to California all by herself to attend graduate school. In addition to the cultural differences and her physical limitations, she didn’t know anyone when she arrived. Many of her friends in India encouraged her to stay put, saying life would be much easier for her there. But she persisted. Once she arrived at Stanford, the only accommodation she received was a small step stool in her apartment that would enable her to reach the stove. Out of necessity, she figured out ingenious solutions to all the physical obstacles she faced every single day.

  When I asked Ashwini about the problems she encountered, she had a hard time coming up with any. She just didn’t see them. When pressed, she cited the difficulty of finding a driving school willing to accept her as a student. After years of depending on rides from friends and on public transportation, she decided to learn to drive and purchased a set of pedal extenders so she could reach the gas and brake pedals. It took dozens of calls before she found a driving school that would take her.

  What is most impressive is that Ashwini always delivered more than 100 percent of what she was called upon to do. Her only regret? She actually wished she had taken even more risks when she was younger. Despite all she had overcome, Ashwini thought she had taken the safe path. She embraced the idea that life isn’t a dress rehearsal and that you get only one chance to do the best job. Sadly, she died earlier this year due to complications from surgery. Her memory lives on as a powerful reminder to never miss an opportunity to be fabulous.

  Being fabulous implies making the decision to go beyond what’s expected. The benefits for this are enormous. On the flip side, if you do less than is expected, then the collection of missed opportunities adds up, leading to a huge deficit.

  I discussed this observation with Steve Garrity, a former student and successful entrepreneur. He couldn’t agree more. In fact, he shared how he communicates this to his team. Steve tells his colleagues that every day they each make tiny choices. If they choose wisely, then, just like adding money to an investment account, the effects of these small changes are compounded, yielding tremendous results over time.1

  Consider the difference between someone who does just their assigned job versus someone who does only 1 percent better each day. If your job is defined by a value of 1.0, and that is all you do, then:

  1.0 × 1.0 × 1.0 . . . (365 times) = 1.0

  Nothing changes for you.

  If you do only 1 percent better each day, then:

  1.01 × 1.01 × 1.01 . . . (365 times) = 37.78

  Wow!

  In the beginning a 1 percent improvement is imperceptible. After seven days, the result is only 1.07. It isn’t until this pattern of improvement is in place for seventy days (a little over two months) that you get to 2.0 times better. And at seven hundred days (less than two years), you are over a thousand times better than when you started.

  If, on the other hand, you do 1 percent worse each day, at the end of the year the result is a tiny 0.02. Therefore, in one year, the difference between someone who does 1 percent better and 1 percent worse each day is almost two thousand times!

  This happens in all aspects of our lives. Kevin Weil, former head of product at Instagram, provided a great analogy. He is an ultramarathon runner, which means he frequently runs fifty miles at a time. When I asked him how running influences his work, he reflected on the fact that over the course of a week of training it is rare to see any major improvement in his pace, even though he gets a little better each day. However, after a year, it is clearly evident that he has made significant strides in his performance. He applies this to his work, too, knowing that each day that he pushes himself just a little further amounts in meaningful long-term results. Essentially, you get out of life what you put in, and the results are compounded daily.2

  * * *

  Bernie Roth, a Stanford mechanical engineering professor, does a provocative exercise at the d.school to highlight this point. He selects a student to come up to the front of the room and says, “Try to take this empty water bottle out of my hand.” Bernie holds the bottle tightly and the student tries, and inevitably fails, to take it. Bernie then changes the phrasing slightly, saying, “Take the water bottle from my hand.” The student then makes a bigger effort, usually without result. Prodding the student further, Bernie insists that the student take the bottle from him. Usually the student succeeds on the third attempt. The lesson? There’s a big difference between trying to do something and actually doing it. We often say we’re trying to do something—lose weight, get more exercise, find a job. But the truth is, we’re either doing it or not doing it. Trying to do it is a cop-out. You have to focus your intention to make something happen by giving at least 100 percent commitment. Anything less and you’re t
he only one to blame for failing to reach your goals. As Yoda in the famous Star Wars film The Empire Strikes Back says, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

  Bernie also tells students that excuses are irrelevant or, to use the technical term, bullshit. We use excuses to cover up the fact that we didn’t put in the required effort to deliver. This lesson is relevant in all parts of life. There’s no excuse for being late, for not handing in an assignment, for failing an exam, for not spending time with your family, for not calling your girlfriend, and so forth. You can manufacture an excuse that’s socially acceptable, such as having too much work or being sick, but if you really wanted to deliver, you’d figure out a way to make it happen.

  These are harsh words, since we’re all so used to generating and hearing excuses. Bernie acknowledges that making excuses, or giving reasons for not delivering, is socially acceptable because it makes you sound “reasonable.” But even if you feel obliged to make excuses to others, you shouldn’t make them to yourself. You need to come to terms with the fact that if you really want to accomplish something, it’s up to you to do so. Make it a high priority or drop it from your list. To drive home this point, Bernie asks his students to write down their biggest goal and then to list every impediment that prevents them from reaching it. It typically takes several minutes to compose the list. He then challenges the students to see that the only item that should be on the list is their own name. We make excuses for not reaching our goals by blaming others and external factors for getting in the way or for not enabling us. Again, achieving is your responsibility from start to finish. These exercises, and the lessons they deliver, reinforce the notion that we are each ultimately in charge of our own lives. There is no excuse for delivering anything short of one’s best effort.

  This isn’t just true for individuals. It is also true for organizations. Chip and Dan Heath describe this in depth in their book The Power of Moments. I had a chance to interview Chip as part of our Entrepreneurial Thought Leaders lecture series, during which he shared examples of companies creating remarkable experiences. Their framework describes how shifts in the way we act—at work, with our family, on vacation, etc.—have a huge impact when those acts amplify moments of elevation, pride, insight, and connection to others. One of my favorite examples is about how John Deere, the tractor manufacturer, designs the first day on the job in order to make it an incredibly meaningful moment for new employees.