“Like crap. I feel like my heart has been dragged out of my body, stamped upon and set back in place,” she whispered before taking a long drag of her cigarette. She held the smoke before letting it out in a lengthy breathe. I hated the smell of cigs. She pointed towards me. “You never imagine such a precious little baby can grow up to cause so much heartache. And I never thought I would be...that I’d have to...God, how am I going to bury him, Lou? How do I do something like that? I mean, going through it with Adam was bad, but this—” She gasped and grabbed hold of the chair to steady herself. “How does a parent live through that?”She sobbed. “Do you think he would have been like this had Adam not...do you think I failed him...that I missed some emotional development or maybe—”
“Jill, none of this is your fault.”
My heart broke for her, but at the same time I hated Elliott with every fibre of my being, I wanted to scream and shout and say he didn’t deserve her grief. But he was her child, her first born. How was I expected to offer support when her son had nearly killed my sister?
“Why are you here Lou?” she asked quietly.
“Because I hated to think of you alone, someone should be here with you.”
She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I’m pretty sure I’ll need to learn to get through it alone. Dominic...I saw him at the hospital. I didn’t know about Eve when I saw him, he thought I was talking about her when I said we needed to...”She took a drag of her cigarette and walked to the kitchen sink to look out the window. “He had come to see Eve and I was there because the police had called about the accident. They never said anything about Eve. When I said Elliott’s name, Dominic just pushed me away. He just stared at me then left me in the entrance to the hospital. I haven’t seen your parents. I can only imagine how they feel. I can’t process it, Lou, he’s gone. My baby is never coming back and I have to deal with what everyone is saying about him.” Her head fell and hung between her shoulders.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“There is nothing to say.” She murmured so quietly I almost missed it.
“I have Johan asleep next door, he’s pretty messed up. He was the one who found...her.” I cringed as soon as the words left my mouth because it was such a fucked up thing to say.
She let out a loud sigh. “Thank God he did.”
We stood in silence for a few awkward minutes before she straightened and turned to me. “Thanks for coming round, Lou, it means a lot to me that you did.”
I walked towards her, pausing when she flinched. I continued my path and stopped in front of her, then wrapped my hands around her waist and hugged her. She cried out and hugged me tightly. I fought and won the battle against the tears threatening to spill. I wanted to be strong for her, I needed to be tough and hold it together.
***
I walked back into my parents’ house and froze, immediately assaulted with pained screams and cries of desperation. I threw the keys on the kitchen counter and ran through the house towards the screams.
“No! Stop, please stop, it hurts. Stop! Momma it hurts, mommy, mommy help me, momma, I’m sorry mom.” Johan writhed and fought against the sheets, sobbing and crying out. I covered my mouth in shock, watching his pain. I knelt beside him on the bed and called his name softly. I reached out and touched his shoulder, but he pulled away, crying out.
“Ryan, I’m sorry, don’t leave me. Momma, come back. Don’t leave me.” He sobbed. Tears welled in my eyes at his desperate cries.
“Johan, you have to wake up, sweetheart. Johan.” I reached out again and grasped his shoulder firmly, shaking him. “Sweetheart, wake up. Show me those beautiful blue eyes.”
“Eve,” he called out in a strangled cry before his eyes shot open. He glanced around the room bewildered.
“Sweetheart, I’m here, it’s Lou.” I felt like I needed to affirm who I was because he was calling out to my sister.
“Lou...” He grabbed hold of me so quickly I gasped. He pulled me to him on the bed and wrapped his arms around me and held on so tight I struggled to breath.
I stroked my hands up and down his back trying to soothe him and calm his erratic breathing and wild heart rate.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked quietly.
He shook his head adamantly and buried his face in my neck. I shivered as his warm breath fanned across my skin.
“Okay.”
“Just...just let me hold you.” He sucked in a breath and buried his face in the crook of my neck “I know it’s weird, I’m fucking weird, but just...I need this right now.”
“Okay, sweetheart, I’m here,” I whispered. He let out a long shuddering breath and his body relaxed. After a few moments his breathing returned to normal, I inched away from him slightly and he released his hold on me.
“Feeling better?”
He nodded his response.
“I need to go pick Ellie up, it’s getting late and I need to keep her in a routine so she isn’t too freaked out.”
“Can I come with you?” His boyish nervousness touched my heart. The cocky irritating Johan I usual dealt with was completely missing. But the one who replaced him was so terrifyingly broken, I prayed for the former one to return.
“Sure, we can get her Maccy D’s and us a Chinese takeaway. What do you reckon?”
His beautiful dimpled smile appeared making me grin in return.
***
“Jo-haan?” Ellie drawled, trying her best to get the pronunciation correct. From the day she had met Johan, she’d called him Joanne, but after a few months we were finally getting somewhere with her.
“Yes my little pumpkin.”
“Weeeeelllll.” She drew out the word, making me smile because I knew the deviant little minx was gearing up to ask for something she knew was out of bounds. “If you’re staying at my house can I stay up with you and watch a DVD so you not get scared.” She leaned forward in her car seat. “It get real dark and scary at night time.”
“Ellie, you little sneak, you have a night lamp and no, you are not having a DVD,” I chided, trying not to sound as amused as I was.
“Me wasn’t saying it to you.” She sulked.
“Hey don’t be cheeky young lady and it’s I not me.”
“Sorry,” she muttered.
I hated when she got upset. I chastised kids daily but this was my baby sister and she had a special way of making me feel like poop when I didn’t let her have her way.
“Maybe we could watch half, so G.I.—”
“Stop calling me that,” Johan snapped in a tone not to be messed with.
I glanced at him quickly, averting my gaze from the road long enough to see his jaw clenching tight.
“Sorry,” I muttered, feeling like the witch in the car. “We can watch half of the film, Ell, until bedtime, okay?”
“Hmm,” she huffed. I felt like the shittiest person around for pissing them both off.
We continued the drive in silence.
Caught by a Monster
Chase Dermont Junior III
6 years old
Boston Massachusetts
My tummy hurt, my head hurt, and I was so cold. I curled up on the hard concrete floor of the basement hugging my knees to me so the pain would stop. It didn’t, the growling only became louder. Grandpa Chase was angry at me again so he’d locked me down here. I think it had been three days because it had gotten dark two times. The moon had come into the sky and the stars had shone so brightly through the small dirty window. My momma had stopped coming in my dreams, she didn’t call out either. She had completely left me. The only things that came now were the monsters. So I stopped sleeping, I tried not to close my eyes for too long because they would haunt me like nasty ghosts, only worse because they were real.
I clutched my knees to my tummy as another horrible pain hit me. I moaned and breathed faster, sometimes that helped. I felt sick but nothing came out anymore when I retched. It was just empty painful gagging. My throat was sore from it. A
t first the smell of my toileting on the floor made me gag but I had gotten used to that.
I heard the door rattle and then open. I curled into a ball when heavy footfalls came down the steps. The biggest monster of them all came down the stairs.
“You about ready to make friends again, boy?” Grandpa asked.
I didn’t answer him; I curled into a tighter ball. I hated my Grandpa, he lied and said he would be my friend, but he wasn’t my friend because he made me do horrible things.
“I figure maybe you’d be hungry enough to join us at the table.”
I lifted my head to see him bite into a big green juicy apple.
“Am I wrong?” he asked. Throwing the apple across the floor to me, it rolled through my toileting and vomit but I still picked it up and wiped it on my underpants. I had been sent down here and stripped of everything but my underwear.
I moaned again when my tummy hurt more and considered eating the dirty apple.
“Those are hunger pains, son. Come have dinner and they will go away.” He sounded kind, but I knew nothing he did was kind. “You know what you have to do and you can come upstairs and enjoy Grandma’s barbecue chicken wings and potato salad. She’s done a black bottom pie for dessert.”
My stomach growled angrily at me.
I shifted, and started to stand.
He stepped towards me. “First though, I think we need to make friends don’t you?” he asked. I whimpered when I heard his belt buckle. My stomach cramped again; he would starve me longer if I didn’t make friends with him. This was the longest he’d kept me down here in the dark and cold.
“We make friends, boy, and you can have some clothes and that hot dinner upstairs.”
Tears rolled down my face but I nodded because it hurt too bad.
***
The smell of hot food assaulted me, and my stomach prayed this wasn’t a joke. I had done what was needed, I hated what I had to do for food, I hated what I had to do for clothes and water. Sometimes if I were quiet enough I would sneak into the dog pen and take the leftover dog kibble and drink their water. I daren’t try it in the house, because Grandma Violet caught me once and thrashed my hide with a wooden spatula.
“Look who’s joining us for dinner,” Grandpa announced, his hand firm on my shoulder. I didn’t look up at the others, but I could feel their gazes on me. I didn’t want them to see me. No one spoke as Grandpa lifted me into my seat. I felt all of them watching me, staring at the dirty, wretched boy at the table.
Ryan was seated in his usual spot beside me. I chanced a quick glance at him and smothered a gasp when I saw his busted face, not just his lip or eye but his whole face was blue and purple. His lips were cut and his jaw looked like he had golf balls hidden underneath. His eye was swollen shut and looked angry. I looked over at Grandma Violet, but instead of the angry stare I usually got, she had watery eyes. She looked at me for a few seconds before looking at Grandpa. The other boys were silent; no one spoke like normal. Usually they argued over football, but today everyone was quiet.
I picked up my fork and started eating. I tried real hard to stop my hand from shaking as I stabbed my fork into my potato salad. I tried not to gobble my food because I did that last time and vomited it back up and Grandpa made me clean it up without a cloth and that made me sicker.
“Tate, eat your damn food and stop playing with it,” Grandpa snapped.
“Yes sir.” Tate quickly picked up his fork.
Ryan never spoke; he made slow movements towards his food, I could see he hurt worse than I did. His fork fell to the floor in a loud clatter. He cursed but no one ratted on him.
“Pick it up, boy,” Grandpa said calmly. Ryan didn’t move, but Grandma Violet moved her chair and started to stand.
“I said the boy, not you.”
“But—”
“Did I stutter,” he shouted.
Grandma’s face paled and she shook her head. She slowly sat back down.
Ryan grunted as he started to move. He moaned and stopped, he seemed out of breath as he sat clutching at his sides. I held my breath, jumped off my chair and grabbed his fork from the floor. Handing it to him, I heard everyone around the table take in loud breaths.
“Why did you do that?” Grandpa asked, sounding angry.
“I...I...” I stuttered, I panicked about how to respond. I didn’t want to go back to the basement. “He’s our special friend. We help special friends right?” I said quickly. The strangest thing happened. Grandpa smiled.
“Good boy,” he said and patted my shoulder. Ryan moaned at the side of me. “You can help Ryan here, but no secret chats. We’ll have no more of that, you hear?” he said and pointed to both of us. I nodded. Grandpa had caught Ryan and I hiding, Ryan wanted us to run away again but somehow Grandpa always caught us or found us and he would hurt Ryan, real bad. I always had to go to the boatshed, I hated the boatshed. Bad things happened there.
Chapter 3
Louise
York, England
2 Weeks Later
Nothing much had changed with regard to Eve. Mum and Dominic pretty much held vigil by her bedside. Last week Dominic had refused to go into work, but after much coaxing by my parents, he has left her side and gone to work. She was still in a medically induced coma, her vitals were looking positive according to Darren. He kept me up to date on her progress, foregoing the medical crap and actually explaining it so I understood. Ellie and I haven’t been allowed in to see her. Due to risk of infection to high risk patients, there was a strict limit to visitors. Only parents and significant others were permitted inside the hospital room. When mum told me I couldn't visit, I wanted to break down and cry, I missed Eve so much it hurt. I just wanted to hold her hand to ground me. To see for myself she was still here. My heart literally aches with not seeing her.
Ellie has been acting up a little in school and a few times I’ve been requested to speak to her teacher. It doesn’t help that her teacher is a raving bitch who hates me. I’ve been staying at Mum’s house, trying to keep as much of a routine as possible. We were allowed back into our house a few days after the incident; the police said due to Elliott dying at the scene it was pretty much a closed case with Eve. The problem remaining was the investigation into Elliot’s collision with a tree. Because the police were in pursuit they needed to evaluate the risks and whether they tailed too closely.
Dominic looked like crap, he hadn’t shaven since Eve was taken to the hospital, so he had a week’s worth of growth and was beginning to look like a grizzly bear. All he does is go to work, then head straight to the hospital. He must return home because he clearly showers and changes his clothes, but he looks worn out. He’s lost weight and his eyes are ringed with dark circles. Mum spoke to me the other night about how worried she is about him; he refuses to go for a proper meal and simply grabs snacks from the vending machines. It was awful to see him go through this. If there were any two people made for each other, it’s those two, and I keep praying to God they get their happy ending because I can’t stomach the idea of losing her. The funeral of someone I loathed was going to be bad enough to sit through, but we would have to do it to support Jill.
Johan stayed here with Ellie and I last week whilst Mum and Dad were at the hospital. His nightmares haven’t subsided, he still wakes each night crying and calling out for his momma. I've tried talking to him about it but he simply shuts down and refuses to speak to me. The only night he didn’t have a nightmare was on the weekend when we both fell asleep on the sofa watching a film. I woke in the early hours of the morning with my head in his lap, a blanket thrown over me, and he was snoring softly with his head thrown back. He’s gone back to our house now and has been staying there this week. I wanted to be with him, I keep telling myself it was to make sure that he’s okay, that he isn’t alone through his nightmares, but the truth is I miss his company. I like how comfortable it feels to be near him. His nightmares vary in extremity and violence. I believe they’re linked to what happened t
o Eve, but until he opens up I can only presume what’s going on in his head. He shouts for his mum, or momma, each and every night but I know his mother is still alive, Eve said so once.
So that brings me to today; I’m holding on by a thread, I admit it. I'm weakening day by day and the dam holding up my emotions is beginning to crack. My sanity is being tested to the extreme. I’m blocked expressively from holding back, being there for everyone else while I suffer. I’ve fought my feelings of fear and confusion daily over what’s happening to Eve but I’ve held it back when all I wanted was to sit in a corner and cry, howl like a mad woman. I hadn’t cried since Eve had been admitted to hospital, or whilst we waited on news of her surgeries. I either had Jill to see to, Johan following me everywhere, and at night Ellie slept in my bed, so I had no time to let it out.
And now—now I felt blocked. I had a numbness about me that was starting to scare the crap out of me. And one other thing, today is my twelve week scan. I phoned Darren yesterday and reminded him it was our first scan today. Eve had said she wanted to be there, and it hurt so much that she couldn’t be with me today because it reminded me where she was.
Darren grumbled and moaned that he was busy and wasn’t sure he would make it, but I pleaded with him and eventually he relented. I would have gone alone, I would have stuck two fingers up to the lot of them and said a big F.U. But today I felt pathetic and needy. I wanted the support of someone, and if that had to be a whiney little toad named Darren so be it.
While I waited, I let out a shaky sigh hoping a fortnight’s worth of emotion wasn’t going to burst free right now. Darren had let me down, yet again. What hurt most was that before I fell pregnant Darren was amazingly attentive. Sometimes a little too much. But when I told him we were having a baby, it was as if a stranger popped into his place.
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 5
