by Brent, Amy
He tried to last longer, but I knew he needed to release. I pushed my ass back to accommodate him, and the motion made him lose himself in me. He came in a breathtaking groan, and he shuddered as he released himself. I felt lucky to have been satisfied in that way, and he turned me around and held me close, drawing me in with an affectionate grasp.
“Thank you,” he said. “Fuck, it's better than it used to be. I can't even believe it.”
“I agree,” I said. His look was genuine, and I wondered how on earth everything was going to go from here.
We dressed and sat together as the sun went down, sipping warm coffee and talking for a while. It felt right that we’d expressed our feelings in a physical way. The tension had been impossible for us to deny.
“You’re the last thing I expected,” said Ben, giving me a warm smile.
“Ain’t that funny. I thought the same thing. It’s like that movie where they say the word that means it. Oh, what’s that word? I hate it when that happens. My memory flies out of the window, sometimes.” I sat trying to think of the word I meant. I couldn’t even remember the movie name.
“Ditto?” he asked.
“Yes, that’s right. Do you know the movie it’s from?” I asked, still trying to puzzle it out in my cloudy mind.
“Um, is it called Spirits?”
I laughed loudly at his hilarious guess. Men usually sucked at guessing chick flicks. And he did, definitely. I couldn’t stop laughing about it. “I think you nearly got it. It’s Ghost.”
“Oh yeah, with Demi Swayze. He was the main guy, right?”
“Now you’re playing with me!” I exclaimed, hugging him tightly.
“Aha.” I gave him a slap as we walked to his car. Mine was still at the other camp. I hoped the drive would take forever, even if it was pretty much next door. He had always been my forever guy.
Mmm, Ben Taylor, you really know how to please all of me.
Ben
Sitting at the Loco Bar with Paul, I realized how amazing Lindsey had made me feel. I had been dominant with her, and she'd let me do everything to her; with her.
I hadn't wanted anything to start with anyone, let alone an ex that I'd left because of cheating. But the more I saw her work, and the more time I spent with her, the more I was beginning to understand that I was probably wrong about the whole scenario. I mean, I had to let bygones be bygones; it was long enough ago that we were starting fresh, both with more mature outlooks on life. And, in all honesty, I wouldn't have Jacob if I didn't get married, either. So, things happened for a reason. I was a big believer in that.
I didn't know if it was fate or God, or some other magnificent being or archetype that brought us together, but I sure felt grateful. If you told me a year ago that I'd be back in my hometown getting jiggy with my ex, I wouldn't have believed it. I was strong-willed, and when I made up my mind about someone, it usually stayed that way. But Lindsey had shown me differently, and I gauged that I was wrong in this situation, probably. I had more of an ego six years ago, and I wouldn't have listened to anyone back then.
Paul interrupted my train of thought. It seemed to be getting bigger and bigger, like a snowball that was racing fast and gaining momentum down a huge mountain. I was all in my head about the whole situation.
“I was thinking we could incorporate teams of two into the course. That way, they can encourage one another as they go through. It could make it seem less grueling,” said Paul, sipping his beer.
He looked like a stud in his red sweater and jeans, a few of the local women, including married ones, had been eying him since we'd arrived. He was used to getting attention from women, but he liked being single, at least for right now. His parents had split up when he was twelve, and it hadn't left great vibes in the whole happily-ever-after department. Then he’d watched me go through my own sucky breakup recently, as well. It was cool to be with a girl, but any longer than one night wasn't for Paul.
“Yeah, I like that idea. I guess if we have odd numbers then it makes it harder, though.”
“Yes, I thought of that. You can do it with them while I yell on the sidelines,” he said. He smiled wickedly.
“Am I getting fat?” I asked, teasing him.
“Yep, fat in love with Lindsey!”
“What?”
“It's obvious. You and her look great together. I reckon Chad was a total jerk for doing what he did. He made it sound so believable, but I think we were wrong to believe him over her.” I was shocked that Paul said the words aloud. It was what I’d been thinking all along, ever since I'd returned to Colorado. Shit.
I sat quietly, realizing that I felt awkward after Lindsey and I had sex in my office. We'd sat and enjoyed coffee for a few minutes and then the energy got weird again. It was like I was afraid to put my heart out to her, for fear of having it repeatedly stabbed, like a bad guy in a movie. I couldn't get her out of my mind, but I felt awkward about moving it any further. I felt weird inside. I couldn't explain it.
I watched Paul's face change as he looked to the doorway. “Hey, it's Lindsey and her hot friend, Nicole. Fuck, she looked great doing self-defense the other day. I can’t remember her looking that sweet in high school, can you?”
Before I could say a word, he began waving at them, calling them over to join us. I got a weird feeling rising up in my belly, and I couldn't understand what the fuck was wrong with me. I wasn’t still in love with her—no way!
As soon as they walked over, Paul took Nicole away to get drinks at the bar. Lindsey sat next to me wearing a sexy sparkly dress, black with diamantes on it. She looked incredible. Her hair was swept up with a few strands of hair hanging down, creating cute little wisps that softened her beautiful face. Her lipstick was shiny, a maroon with a glowing pink coming through. Her eyes were perfect, sparkling beautifully in their sweet blue hue. But, it was as if I had a frog in my throat, and it seemed to be jumping around in my brain, keeping me from speaking at all. Shit.
“I'm sorry about yesterday. I don't really know why it keeps happening. It seems—”
She interrupted me. “Undeniable?” she asked. “Yeah, I don't get it, either.”
“Undeniable, yeah, something like that.” I gave her an awkward smile.
I didn't want to come across as uncaring, but I didn't want to get burned again either. I had my son to think about as well, and anything I chose to do would have a lasting impact on his life. It wasn't something I could take lightly, although my feelings were definitely, as Lindsey had said, undeniable.
We sat in stillness and silence, and I tried to think about what I might say next. I could tell that Lindsey was feeling the same way. There was still that elephant in the room, about the whole cheating scenario.
“Ben, why didn't you take my word for it all those years ago?”
I looked at her, thinking how amazing it was that her mind had been contemplating the same issue as mine had. “I don't want to discuss it.”
Her face changed, and the softness I'd seen in it moments before became a scowl that I hadn't been expecting to see. She took a large sip of her pink bubbling champagne.
“You don't want to? You mean I’ve had to bear this decision of yours for a whole six years, over half a decade, and you don't want to tell me why you didn’t believe me?” She took another gulp, and her voice rose as she spoke again. “You can't handle being wrong, is that it?”
I felt the frog in my throat get bigger. I’d found it hard to talk before, and now it was as if I could barely move my voice at all. “I—”
“Face it, Ben. You're too good-looking, too fricken Navy-SEAL-important to be wrong. Your ego is the size of Africa, and anyone who doesn't fit into your take on the world needs to shove off, right?”
“No.” I tried to keep my voice low, hoping none of the customers could hear her ranting at me.
Yes, she did have every right to be mad at me. But at the time, I'd been scared as well. I’d been unbelievably fearful about facing the reality that it could be
true. I’d also been afraid that the love of my life had needed another man; my ego couldn’t bear the thought that she might find the need to be pleased by someone other than me.
“Are you going to join this conversation Captain Ego, or should I continue on? I mean, what gives you the right to waltz back into Estes Park and act like you’re the one who's right? Are you still placing me in that judgmental space when I did absolutely nothing wrong?” Her words were cutting and a little too loud for my liking. But thankfully, the music was loud enough to make her voice dissipate. I wasn't sure I could listen to the angry version of Lindsey.
My mind was buzzing as it went back to the past, a place I'd let slide for many years. I'd blocked those feelings, and now they came flooding back to me like it was yesterday. It was as if no time had occurred in-between then and now.
I finally cleared my throat and spoke. “I didn't want to listen to you because I was petrified that you might admit to doing it. I was so frightened it was true, so I ran.” I took a deep breath. “I ran as fast as I could and blocked it out of my mind. I was devastated that it might really be true.”
Nicole looked at me. Her eyes were welling up behind her mascara. I knew that my actions had hurt her very badly; it was clear that they'd cut into her core and changed her forever. It was clear to me that I'd done the wrong thing. I'd been young and terribly stupid, and I'd left her alone and heartbroken. Her eyes told me her truth, and it was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. God, I had to look into those honest eyes and see the reality of it. I'd hurt her profoundly. Way more than my own wounds, it seemed. It was an extremely sad thing to see her look at me like she did.
I had nothing else to say. There were no sorries that could make up for what I'd done. She’d moved on because she’d had to, but it was as if I'd taken an innocent and beautiful part of her away. I felt worse than bad, and her eyes moved away as she grabbed her handbag and slipped off her seat. I saw her walk to the doorway and leave as fast as she'd entered just twenty minutes before. I knew she was hurting, and I felt hopeless as to what I could do to fix it all.
Fuck.
Paul and Nicole had seen Lindsey walk out; Nicole had moved quickly to follow Lindsey. Paul walked over to me, and I sat there, stone cold, with a gross numbness in me that I couldn't explain.
“Hey, what happened?” he asked.
I stared at the wall and listened to the sound of guilt that bounced around in my head. I couldn't make it right, and I'd never felt so disgusted with myself for being such a cold-hearted bastard.
Paul knew I didn't want to deal and so he sat by my side, letting my thoughts swirl around in the mess that they were in. It was the longest silence I could ever remember. I felt my gut become like jelly moving around like it had been shoved down a slippery slope. Guilt was the most awful feeling there was because it usually meant that you'd hurt someone you loved, and to me, that was not something I ever aimed to do.
My mind moved back in time to when I'd bullied a guy at school. His name was Michael, and I'd pushed him in the playground at the age of ten. He’d landed on his ass in the mud because of my stupid actions that day, and the other kids had teased him for days, saying he’d made a mess of his pants. I’d felt so horribly guilty that I befriended him, and he enjoyed being one of the cool kids for the next few years. Eventually, his family moved to Ohio, and we lost touch. I knew from then on not to be mean to people who gave me no cause to behave that way. You could change someone's entire world by the actions you took.
I sipped on a few more beers as Paul sat with me. He was the kindest, best friend I'd ever known, except for my father, who was my absolute hero bless his resting soul.
I wasn't sure how to make everything right between Lindsey and me; I knew that it wasn't going to be as easy as washing the mud off and becoming her friend like I'd done with Michael. This was going to take more foresight to get through. All I knew was that I never ever wanted to feel guilty about anything, ever again. I needed to go home and take a load off. Paul was already yawning and ready for bed. We'd worked hard throughout the week, and it was time to go home.
Lindsey
I'd stayed at Nicole's place. I hadn't really expected to let slip what I had. But those feelings had welled up inside me for a long time, ever since I'd broken up, or should I say, been dumped by Ben. Since then I had lived in the present moment as much as I possibly could. Every time I'd watched a romance movie it brought up the feelings of the past, though, especially if heartache was involved. Things like if I saw his name or if I smelled his cologne. The past was one of the hardest mindsets to escape, especially when it involved love.
We’d just enjoyed some crunchy toast. I always woke up starving, like I hadn’t eaten for years. Nicole always had a protein shake. I liked her house; it had that eclectic charm only Nicole could pull off. Her living room always smelled of some weird fragrance because she liked incense, and I thought it smelled kinda hippy-weird.
We were totally different, but we both had big hearts, and we got along great. I think our differences made us understand one another. It was kinda like that rule where if you don’t experience hot, you can’t understand cold. Or yin and yang. She was way more outgoing than I was, but I was more intellectual. She was more physical. She loved weird sixties music, and I liked to listen to R&B.
It was weird how we never fought because we probably should have. But we embraced one another’s uniqueness; I think it kept our friendship interesting. Ultimately, if I liked something that she didn’t, she would ask a trillion questions to understand why. She hated pizza, and I loved it. So, she would eat the pasta and the garlic bread, which I despised. The whole thing had been awesome growing up in Estes Park and remaining best friends since we were twelve. I felt truly lucky to have her be there for me, and I tried to be there for her too, despite her strong will and her bold independence. I knew she could feel my every emotion, just as I felt hers. I guessed it was similar to being a twin, although in this case, we were opposites.
I sat and waited for coffee as Nicole brought it out; I knew she'd make me feel better. “I think he's probably feeling guilty for what happened. You know, because he got it wrong,” said Nicole.
“I don't know that he even gets that he’s wrong, though.”
“He must.”
I took a sip of the Jamaican blend and felt happy that I was with her. She loved to talk, but she was being realistic about it. He probably did feel bad. I mean, the way he'd acted had been heartless, but surely, he realized now that it had been something that could have been fixed or avoided.
I looked at Nicole who had made herself look presentable for the day. She wore sweatpants and had her hair was up in a cute ponytail. She looked beautiful, as always.
“I can't believe he has a son. I don't know how that would make me feel,” she said.
“I can't go there right now. I mean, I always pictured our children. I was dumbfounded when he said it at the camp.”
“Yeah, fair enough,” she agreed.
“I think I'm hurt that he would think I could cheat on him. I mean, he knew me well enough back then to know that he was with a girl that loved him, and deeply so.”
“I know. You guys were rock solid, and he just—”
“Left.”
“It would've been okay if he had just gone away for the weekend. But to pack up and leave Estes. I know, Lindsey, I still remember your heartbreak.”
“God, here I am always telling other people to forget their past, and then here I am, pushing my mind into mine. I can't seem to win, lately.”
Nicole looked at me and played with my hair. “You did nothing wrong. Believe me, I know that you're in the whole 'don't live in the past' game. But, if something can be fixed from the past, and the past walks right into your present moment, then you need to deal with it.”
“I know.”
“He'll come around. Guys have big egos, and although he's a soft-hearted man, it's hard for him to admit it. That would be like
taking away his masculinity. And then, he'd realize that he broke your heart too. That’s a huge thing to realize, for any man.”
“Yeah, I guess he would come to that conclusion, huh?”
“Uh-huh.”
I thought back to his usual ways when he'd felt vulnerable if we'd watched a sad movie. He'd always remove himself before I could notice the tears. I knew that he had a big heart and one that was as wide as the Pacific Ocean. I bet it was actually a really flighty decision he'd made so he didn't have to feel the rawness of its truth if it had been true. God, the years we missed together.
Nicole gave me a wide, cheeky smile. The kind she was famous for. “I reckon he's still got a thing for you.”
“Really?” I hadn't told her about the naughty desk scenario. It was still raw in my mind. “Well, actually—”
“You totally hooked up, didn't you?”
“Yes, we did. It was so good. I've never felt so—what's the word I'm looking for?”
She laughed. “Satisfied?”
“Exactly!”
“I knew it. I could sense the passion between you two.”
“Really?” I asked her; impressed that she seemed to be able to pick up on absolutely everything.
“Sure.” She laughed. “You guys always seemed so right together. It was like looking at the perfect couple when you dated all those years ago. I didn't think you'd ever recover.”
“I'm not sure I can sense any passion.” I paused. “And then there's the whole kid thing.”
I watched Nicole as she raised a brow at me. I could understand why she did it, and she knew I was making excuses. She was right, I kinda was doing that.
“And what, pray tell, does that have to do with anything?”
“Um.”
“Exactly!” she exclaimed, still letting her brow sit up in that high space it always did when she was trying to get her point across to me.
“Shit!”
I thought about my next statement carefully as Nicole got herself another coffee. She loved the stuff so much that I wondered how she kept herself from being overly-busting to go to the bathroom, at work, especially.
