by Brent, Amy
“I don't think I could be a mom yet, Nicole. I mean, I've never been one of those women who gets clucky at the first sign of a baby.”
“Did you say the word clucky? God, you sound really old.”
“I'm the same age as you, twenty-six.”
She laughed and then sighed. “I know, we're over the hill, already!”
I laughed at her words. We were still young enough to travel, and work heaps, and go out, and date—but motherhood? Whoa.
“I hear ya,” she agreed. “I love kids, but to have that kind of responsibility all the time would be, um?”
“Real,” I said, helping her finish the sentence.
“Yeah, very freakin' real.” She smiled. “I'm gonna go to the store. I need coffee—be back in a bit.”
“Okay, sure.”
I finished my amazingly-good coffee and wondered some more about everything. Would Ben and I have kids now if we'd stayed together? I also wondered if I would be a good mother. I had younger cousins that seemed to like me, and that was fun, treating them with kindness like Mom had shown to me. You know, trying to discipline them because they needed guidance, or putting them in timeout.
All of a sudden, it hit me like a bolt of lightning; I wondered if I'd be Ben's son's new mother. Whoa. I really am falling for him. I'm not sure that feeling ever left me. Wow, Lindsey, get a grip on yourself.
I did the dishes in the hopes of changing my train of thought, but I saw Ben in my mind, wanting me in his office, taking me on his desk, laughing with me after we'd been intimate. Wow. How am I going to get through it this time? The feelings I had were stronger than ever. And now, I had no choice about my thoughts which seemed to burst in, uninvited, whenever the hell they liked.
My mind wandered to how sexy he was when I'd first dated him. I'd always wondered why he'd chosen to go out with me. I wasn't the skinniest or the prettiest girl, but I think it was our undeniable chemistry. He'd been extremely romantic, buying me chocolates and flowers. Sometimes, he even bought me lingerie, not that I needed material things. He just liked to express his love in that way. And in the bedroom, he'd always been the dominant type, pushing his passion onto me and enjoying being inside me. He'd always done the thing where he'd pushed into me slowly, making me want him to drive into me deeper, faster. I'd always begged him to go faster. He’d give me that same sexy smile, knowing how bad I craved for him to pleasure himself in me.
I felt like I would never be able to want another man. I'd probably grow old with ten thousand cats in a house I could barely afford, with bushy undergrowth growing wildly under my arms and on my legs. It would be hard to know if I was human or feline.
I laughed at my ridiculous imagination. It always took me to weird and strange developments as a kid. The teachers at school had been impressed with my storytelling abilities and my drawings of unicorns and gnomes. I had always dreamed of happily-ever-afters. It was the essence of growing up female. Yes, the fine prince on his horse, racing over miles just to be with his beloved. I couldn't want another man. My heart belonged to Ben. And if he didn't feel it again, then that would be that. I'd keep on keeping on like I had for the past six years. I had great friends, a wonderful career, and I was healthy.
In truth, the last piece of the puzzle wasn't only my choice, and I knew that now. It took two to tango, and a person could always leave the dance, change partners, or give up. Staying together in any type of relationship was hard, and desperately so. I needed to try and stay strong, regardless of what was to come. I had people who needed me, so self-care had to be a priority. I didn't quite know how to get him out of my head.
“Honey, I'm home!” called Nicole, trying to lighten the mood.
“Great,” I said, trying to act enthusiastic.
“I bought a ton of chocolate and strawberry ice cream for later.”
“My hips want to slap you right now!”
“You love me.”
“I'm not born with your metabolism, woman!”
“I know, but someone's got to be the good-looking best friend, and someone's got to be the frumpy one!”
“Very funny,” I said, opening the bag to discover the chocolate. “Oh, it’s my favorite, Turkish Delight!”
“Yep, you can slap me later, girlfriend.”
“I will, you know.”
“You’ve got to catch me first.”
“Funny, real funny.”
“You still love me so much!”
“Not as much as this chocolate!” I exclaimed.
Ben
I hadn't slept very well. Knowing that I could've used my words more wisely at the bar the other night had kept me awake. The look on Lindsey's face was something I hadn't wanted to see. My heart felt like it got dragged through hell all over again, and I knew that it had made her feel more-than-uneasy.
I’d woken early, and I wanted to see if she felt better, so I decided to head my car to her camp before I went to work for the day. I hoped she’d be there. My mind was still doing its whirring and flipping, a constant change of thoughts that meandered and ungracefully flipped into a hundred billion different scenarios. It was like it was on autopilot, flashing up everything from the past and adding the present, then blending it together into a cocktail of weird emotions. But, despite my awkward feelings, I needed to at least apologize for acting like a jerk the other night. I had blurted out my own truth without much care for the consequences of doing so.
I could still see her face and its expression from the other evening. Those tears she'd held back had cut in deep, making me realize that, what?
She has feelings for me?
It was more than sex with an ex?
Wow.
I hadn't thought of any of it like that until now. My mind enjoyed the new information as it sped into overdrive, making me feel like I was going insane. Every breath, every moment, every heartbeat was connected to her. I had to mentally slap myself and try something else, even physical training to center my mind elsewhere. I’d done about ten billion pushups to get myself to sleep last night. I was beginning to think that—
No. Couldn't be.
I rocked up at Lindsey's camp, which wasn't exactly a decision my stomach had made. If I was a missile, then the program had set its target in its sight, taking me to my correct GPS location whether I was ready or not. I didn't know how she'd react to my uninvited visit, but I knew I needed to try and apologize, of that I was certain.
I felt my body move to her office, my mind was all behind the decision, but my gut was saying something different entirely. I was a god damn ex-Navy SEAL, and I found it difficult to knock on Lindsey's office door? It was ridiculous. I tried to center myself, and I took a deep breath as I knocked on her door.
I waited.
“Coming!” she said, sounding like she was in a good mood.
She opened the door. Fuck she was gorgeous. Her hair was swept up in a beautiful braid. She was dressed in a mauve sweater with a gray, A-line, pencil skirt. My frog came back to my throat, but I pushed it away. I needed to say what I needed to say.
“Lindsey, I came to talk about the other night at the bar. I just—”
“You just what?” she snapped.
Her tone was ruder than I'd expected it to be. This might not have been my greatest idea in the whole world. “Well, I said what I said because it was the truth. I did what I did all those years ago because it felt right.”
“Really?” She tapped her foot and crossed her arms. “And you never thought about it after that? You just joined the Navy and pissed off for good?”
I corrected her. “The Navy SEALs.”
“Jesus Christ, Ben, is that all you think about, the need to be right in your own damn mind? It’s all about if Ben’s okay; this movie you’re in is called Ben’s World. Your only concern is how everything affects you.”
“What?” I felt like this wasn't going in the direction I'd imagined it would.
“You come here uninvited and try and apologize, without actuall
y doing it. You still need me to tell you that it was alright? Is that it? I can't tell you it was alright. It wasn't. I cried for days on end. I wanted to find you and explain, but you changed your number and you never let me try. I don't understand why the hell your damned ego is so fricken important. Weren't you sad? Or Mad? Didn't you miss me? Didn't you know that you broke my heart?” She took a deep breath. “I gave everything to you back then, my whole heart on a platter with all the trimmings. I thought I was your forever girl. You up and left when I did nothing wrong. You believed a guy with the IQ of a mouse, and there you go. Then you got married, and even had a child!” She stopped, realizing she was going off on a tangent she probably didn't want to bring into the conversation.
She huffed and walked out of the office as I followed her, blindly, like a lamb that needed its mother. She went straight out and began setting up on the lawn. Archery was obviously a planned activity for their women that day. Nicole was there, trying to keep out of the conversation—the one which wasn't even happening because Lindsey acted as if I wasn't there anymore.
“Can I help you guys set up?” I asked.
Lindsey walked with her back to me as she used a tape to measure and ascertain the distance she wanted. “No, we're absolutely fine here,” she snapped, hitting me hard in the ego I wasn't supposed to have.
“Can I talk to you, please?” I asked.
There was silence, and I got it. I’d been an asshole in the past, but I was trying to apologize. Couldn't she see that? Was it that weird male/female vibe where we were both on different planets? I was from Mars, and she was from Venus. I don't know, I remember this book that one of the guys had been reading during training for the SEALs. I guessed that there were a lot of men and women that couldn't understand one another. My wife had been a woman I thought I knew who turned out to be something I never expected her to be. It was a huge problem. But I wasn't an asshole, not intentionally. Yes, I’d made a mistake all those years ago, but how would I go about making it right when she didn't even want to look at me? Fuck, the whole scenario was driving me bat-shit crazy.
I didn't know what else to say, so I blurted out the next best thing that came to mind, as stupid as it must’ve sounded. “Is archery good for mending a broken heart?”
“Yes, actually. You picture the person's face that did it to you, and you aim and fire until you hit it. It feels amazing when you get the target! Especially if they have light brown hair and green eyes!”
Her sarcasm hit me deeply, and I still remained there, knowing that I needed to try and get her to talk with me. But her anger was too much, so I sensed it was my cue to leave. It was obvious that she needed more time to get herself together and calm down. I’d opened up a Pandora's box of emotions that she'd held onto for a very long time.
“Are you still coming by for the self-defense training later?”
“I'm not sure. I'll think about it.” Her eyes couldn't even look into mine, and she fumbled with her heels on the lawn. “Shit,” she said, annoyed that she'd fallen forward. I guessed it wasn't something she'd wanted me to see.
“I hope to see you later for the classes at my camp.”
She didn't answer me.
I turned and got into my car. I drove slowly to my camp, and I was greeted by Paul who was setting up the mats for our day. I was glad there was still thirty minutes before our recruits arrived. I felt I needed to talk with him to get my head clear.
“You alright? You look a bit exhausted.”
“She shut me down. I went to see her this morning, but she wouldn't talk calmly. I mean, I get it, but she was really feisty.”
Paul continued setting up as he spoke his next words. “I don't know why you keep trying with her. I mean, you slept together for old time’s sake, but why do you keep kicking a dead horse?”
I smiled. “That, my friend, is what I don't know.”
He stopped working and looked at me seriously. “You like her—like really like her?” he asked.
“I don't know. You're supposed to be counseling me here. Haven't you got a degree in that yet?” I laughed awkwardly.
“Fuck Ben, you’ve got it bad for her. I don't need a degree to see that. Did she yell?”
“Yep, and told me that you could imagine a person pinned to the fricken archery board to mend a broken heart, especially if they had green eyes and light brown hair!”
“Whoa, she totally roasted you.”
“Yep, burned at the stake. I must've been a witch in my past life.”
“I'm melting, I'm melting!” said Paul in a ridiculous tone, a take-off from The Wizard of Oz. I'd only watched it for Jacob's sake. I hated kid's movies, but it had to happen. It was one of the many joys of parenthood.
“I reckon you've still got feelings from way back when, man. I mean, you didn't deal with them all those years ago, and they can resurface and get all up in your brain. That's what Shelley told me.”
“Who the fuck is Shelley?” I asked, wondering why I hadn't heard about her yet.
“Oh, well after the other night, I kinda couldn't sleep so I went to Diego's.”
“You got lucky?”
“Well, of course. But she's super-awesome because she doesn't want any strings and neither do I, so we're doing this thing, friends with benefits.”
“You always do that,” I said.
“I know, and it rocks because there's just the sex and the food, and the dirty little games.”
“Enough. I know you. I don't need a blow by blow account of what Shelley did!”
“Blow by blow!” he exclaimed.
“You are hilarious.”
“You said it,” he retorted.
“I know. Why the fuck did I even go there?”
“Because your brain is mush. Maybe you and Lindsey need to do the whole friends with benefits thing,” he suggested.
“Well, right now she wants to shoot arrows into my imaginary head, so I don't know that I'll be getting lucky anytime soon.”
“That sucks.”
“You've been a great help, Paul.” I gave him a sarcastic smile.
“I'll send you the bill, and you can pay by check or credit card.”
I laughed at his words and realized that our recruits would get there any moment. As for Lindsey and her daily camp members, I couldn't be sure. I moved inside to make a strong black coffee; I needed all the help I could get this day. I felt alone for the first time in a long time. Alone in my mind, that seemed to have “a mind” of its own. An agenda that it wouldn't let go of. The Lindsey agenda.
* * *
After a long day, with a show of Nicole and the women but no Lindsey, I went home and spent time with my beautiful boy, Jacob. He was excited to see me, and he spoke about daycare and the fun times he'd had. I loved hearing every word of it, his innocence and his heart was so beautiful.
Again, my mind moved to Lindsey, after I tucked him in and read him a story about locomotive trains that had lost their puff. I wondered if Lindsey and I had stayed together, would she have enjoyed being a mom to him? He missed his mother who hadn't cared enough to even call him. In the long run, it was for the best. A woman like that didn't deserve the wonderful Jacob.
My mind saw them together as I jumped into my bed. I saw Lindsey and Jacob laughing together; it was a vision that felt right. I closed my eyes and drifted easily, my mind had been on fast forward, and it finally shut itself off. I knew that my heart was in the right place now. I had to look after me, for the sake of Jacob. And whatever was going to happen would happen, sometimes fate was in charge. I slept like a log, happy that Jacob was doing so well. I had been through hell. I needed to be stable for Jacob, no matter the circumstances.
Lindsey
I'd sent Nicole to Ben's camp yesterday, but it wasn't fair of me to do that. Mostly because it was usually her time to get the paperwork under control. Checking medical histories, and any allergies that upcoming clientele might have regarding food, etcetera. The fact that I had an issue needed to com
e secondary to allowing my clients to enjoy self-defense classes. I couldn't let my agenda overshadow theirs. Some of these women really needed the self-confidence boost, and it was a great way to give them back their power, especially if the tactics could be utilized as an ongoing self-esteem builder, long-term.
I changed clothes, and we made our way to the other camp. Today, I had six women who were ready and eager to join in. I felt like my heart had found my throat, but I had to behave as professionally as I possibly could. The women were there to get support, and I was a big part of that.
When we arrived, Ben walked over to us, greeting us kindly as he explained that Paul was ready and waiting with the recruits under the large canopy. The women moved ahead and joined in with the larger group. I was happy to see them so excited.
“I'm glad you came,” he said as I jogged off to be with my group. I didn't say anything, and I kept my eyes fixed on Paul. He was shouting out instructions to a kick and a punch move that we would learn after everyone had warmed up.
I noticed that Ben slipped into the group just ahead of me, finding an empty space to begin to warm up. I had the perfect view of his muscular physique as we got our bodies limbered.
God, who would've thought he could look that good executing lunges. Mmm.
My mind tried to concentrate as his buttocks protruded through his sweatpants. I found myself automatically smiling as I imagined his body naked, taking me to greater heights on his desk. I moved into the arm stretches, and my focus remained on him out of the corner of my eye.
God, those biceps, those legs, that ripped body. I feel like I could burst. What a way to greet the morning.
And yes, I was still mad at him, but my eyes and my body couldn't help but notice the way he moved so damn well. There was nothing that wasn't masculine about him. He oozed sex appeal in every way. Even when he was trying to be sweet, he still gave off an air of arrogance—something that was born into him.
