Light in the Dark Night

by Bree Cariad

  Brecker had to smile at the game room. From the name he expected computer games. Instead, it was set up with several tables and there were shelves of board games. It had been years since he’d played any. There was nobody else there.

  “I’m surprised it’s empty,” he said as they walked in and Aiden collapsed onto a bean bag chair. He tried to sit down on the one next to it with a little more dignity, but as it turned out, there was no way to sit down in a bean bag chair with poise. He fell into it.

  “It’s study time.”

  “Should you be studying?” Brecker asked. “I don’t want to take you away from your studies.”

  “I’d rather spend it with you,” Aiden said quickly. “I can study after dinner.” The earnest hope in his eyes made Brecker relax.

  “All right. So, how did you enjoy the dance?” That seemed to be all that was needed. Aiden chatted about the New Year’s Eve dance, school, snowmen, Kyle, the shelter, his excitement about the coming adoption, and Kyle. Brecker managed not to smile too widely as Kyle kept coming up in the conversation. Looked like Aiden had a crush.

  The soft chime that meant dinner made both of them look up. “Come on, Dad,” Aiden said. “You can sit with me.”

  Aiden took his hand and they walked to the kitchen. After getting their bowls, Rolf served them and they went into the dining hall. He did not miss the stern look Rolf sent him. Brecker gulped. Did he know about the kiss? Of course he did. He was Jonathon’s closest friend.

  It felt good to sit next to Aiden as he and the others ate, chatted, and the aroma of Italian spices filled the air. Unfortunately, it felt like said air got sucked out of the room when Brecker looked up and saw Jonathon walk in.

  Chapter Twenty

  At least Rolf forewarned him that Brecker was there. Or he might have spilled his food as he walked into the dining room. When their eyes met, Jonathon felt the same desire to kiss him and fought it down. If he kissed him again, he’d lose Brecker forever. He’d rather have him as a friend than as nothing at all.

  The kids chattered like they normally did during a meal and he joined in, forcing himself to pay attention. As he sat on the opposite end of the table, it was easier. He had to purposefully look down it to find Brecker.

  “Reverend Jonathon,” Peril said and Jonathon turned toward him. The boy was growing into a man and had amazing potential.

  “Yes, Peril?”

  “I was speaking to Mr. Canton today about school. He said I had two choices. I could continue to work through at my current pace and would graduate in two to three years or I could take the GED.”

  Jonathon nodded. “He’s right. The GED will give you the ability to get a job that requires a high school diploma. But you’d learn more if you went through and finished high school.”

  Peril turned a deep rose color, which wasn’t easy to tell with his mocha skin. “I want to help pull my weight here.”

  He reached out and took Peril’s hand in his. “You do. I know you’re looking at your birthday next month as an end date, but you don’t have to. This isn’t the state, Peril. I’m not going to send you out into the world on your eighteenth birthday without a dime. You’re one of my kids and you have a place here. Besides, I thought you wanted to go to college.”

  “I do. But that takes money.” Peril frowned, ever pragmatic about himself. “And I don’t want to get into huge amounts of debt, if I could even get school loans.”

  “Tomorrow morning, let’s talk about it,” Jonathon suggested. “We can go over all your options so you can make an informed decision.” Peril looked relieved and nodded. “You always have a place here,” he assured him.

  That was one of the hard parts. Peril was looking at his eighteenth birthday as the date he had to be a man and get a job. Jonathon wanted him to be a kid for a couple more years. He lost so much of his childhood on the streets. Peril deserved more time to find that child within.

  When dinner ended, everyone spread out, some to watch television, others to sit and talk. When the only ones left at the table were him, Brecker, and Aiden, he could hear their conversation.

  “I could do it tomorrow,” Aiden said, sounding hopeful.

  “No. I want you to do your school work and I already ate into an hour of your study time. So go study now. I’ll be back later in the week. Go on.” Brecker hugged him and Aiden clung to him for a moment before finally getting up and slouching out of the dining room. It was the most laid-back teenager thing he’d seen him do yet and it made Jonathon smile.

  “I love to watch him coming into his own,” he murmured.

  Brecker gave him a smile that didn’t look quite right. “Got a moment to talk?” he asked.

  This was the moment. Jonathon nodded and stood up. “Come on.” They took their dishes into the kitchen and Rolf glanced over at them, his stance stilling as he took in the two of them together. He didn’t know exactly what happened, but he’d guessed pretty accurately, even if Jonathon had neither confirmed nor denied his words.

  He almost turned to head to his office, but thought better of it. Nobody would think twice about knocking on the door and interrupting their discussion if they did it in there. But there was one room in the house nobody would interrupt them in. Even if it was the scene of the crime.

  Jonathon opened his door and turned around. Brecker stood in the doorway, his left foot half raised as though he’d frozen mid-step. “We won’t be interrupted in here,” he said, hoping he wasn’t screwing things up even worse.

  “Makes sense.” Brecker stepped into the room and looked around. Jonathon wondered what he saw.

  When they first redid the house, Jonathon fell in love with this set of rooms, but had planned on turning them into study rooms and possible bedrooms for the kids. Rolf nixed those plans, demanding that Jonathon have his own quarters, a small respite from the shelter. He’d fought against it before giving in. After they moved in, he’d appreciated Rolf’s forethought. There was peace in those walls.

  Done in light oak paneling, the room was a nod at a bygone era. He’d replaced the carpet with hardwood floors that matched the panels, but the room was a large, open space with his bed against one wall, dresser against the opposite, and a reading chair in the corner by the windows.

  Brecker walked over and looked out the windows before turning around.

  “About the other night,” they both began and then broke off.

  Jonathon chuckled softly and took a step forward so he stood in the center of the room. “Go ahead.”

  Brecker’s lips quirked in an amused smile. “I came over and had just the right words, but those seem to have failed me. I’m not used to that.”

  “I’m sorry for pushing you away,” Jonathon said, trying to figure out how to say what he needed to. “I can’t honestly say I’m sorry for the kiss, because it was wonderful. Best kiss I’ve ever had.”

  “Mine too,” Brecker said quietly.

  Startled, Jonathon stared into Brecker’s gorgeous eyes. They were intense. “You enjoyed it too.” Brecker nodded. A little hope bloomed in his chest. “Then what happened?”

  Brecker sighed and walked over to the end of his bed and sat down. “I told you before that I don’t do relationships.” Jonathon still couldn’t imagine it. Brecker was such a genuine individual. “I thought I was really bad at them and my track record isn’t good. But Lisa helped me to see that just maybe I wasn’t the only one at fault for the breakup of our marriage. It’s what helped me to take the final step and decide to adopt Aiden.”

  He groaned and hunched forward, his elbows on his knees. “But this—” he waved between the two of them “—is confusing me. I don’t know what I feel about you, but I know it’s something. The crazy thing is if you were a woman, I would probably ask you out on a date. But you’re not a woman. You’re a man.

  “And even that’s crazy,” he said, throwing his arms up as he stood up and paced back and forth. “I’ve been around you and these kids long enough that I’ve overturned so
me of my long held beliefs about gender. But sexuality? It’s… I don’t get it, Jonathon. You got past my defenses and I find myself thinking about you more than I’ve ever thought about anyone. You’re always on my mind,” he said somewhat angrily as he turned to face him. “Part of me wants to see where this might lead. The part of me that keeps thinking about that kiss.”

  Jonathon gulped and his heart beat fast in his ears. He searched within himself to find a way to hear what Brecker was saying and not to read something into it because it was what he wanted to hear. Please, Lord, help us figure this out.

  “A kiss I want again.”

  He blinked at the raw need he saw in Brecker’s face and he stepped forward. Brecker didn’t retreat so he took another step. And another. Until they were toe to toe. Jonathon leaned forward, but paused before pressing their lips together. He needed for this to be what Brecker wanted as well. When Brecker wrapped his arms around him and yanked him close, he had his answer.

  Warm soft lips pressed against his and he breathed in Brecker’s spicy aftershave while he kissed him back. Jonathon wrapped his arms around the man’s shoulders, running his fingers through Brecker’s lush hair. The moan that left Brecker’s lips made him moan in return. When Brecker pulled his lips away, he leaned his forehead against Jonathon’s. “I’m not gay, Jonathon,” he whispered. “But I don’t think I’m entirely straight either. I’ve thought I was straight my whole life. If I’m not, then….”

  “You’re afraid of who you are if you aren’t heterosexual,” Jonathon murmured, understanding.

  “It’s been my identity my entire life,” Brecker said in obvious frustration as he turned and strode around the room. Finally he stopped and smacked his palm against the wall. “Who am I if not who I have been?”

  “But were you ever that man?” Jonathon asked. Brecker swung his head around and stared at him across the room. “I’m not suggesting you were in the closet, Brecker. Humanity has been dividing itself into subsections for thousands of years. Society thinks this so I need to act this way. The king has proclaimed that, so I need to act that way and shame anyone who still acts this way. The problem is nobody can speak for anyone else. What’s right for me is not necessarily right for anyone else at any time in history.”

  He sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, mainly because his knees were a little wobbly from the kiss. “And what does sexuality mean? People want to think in black and white terms. Heterosexuality is good. Homosexuality is bad. Het means you are only ever attracted to people of the opposite sex. Gay means you are only ever attracted to people of your own sex. When in fact the definitions are screwed because there are no fast rules. And that’s not even taking into account the gender vs biology conundrum which I deal with on a daily basis.” He drew his knees up to his chin and rested it on them. “Sexuality is so much more than a person’s biological or emotional gender. I’m not attracted to every man who is also male biologically and gender-wise out there. In fact, my attraction is to a very miniscule percentage of them. Take in the mix of emotional attraction versus physical attraction vs relationship attraction and I’m probably pansexual. I have several adults I currently love, Brecker. Four are men. Three are women. You and Siobhan are in that group. That’s all on an emotional level. Not to mention the incredible love I have for these kids. Physically I’ve been attracted to three men. Paul, Leonardo DiCaprio, and you.” Brecker snorted and Jonathon smiled. “Hey. He’s cute.

  “But attraction that you can base a relationship on is complex and has so many levels that one cannot label it. It’s how a person who has been gay all their life falls in love with a woman, marries her, and lives happily ever after. It’s how a straight man falls for a guy and they ride off into the sunset. It’s how someone who denotes their entire sexuality within the BDSM lifestyle and finds themself in a deep loving relationship with someone who is vanilla and is utterly happy there.

  “Paul and I had the beginnings of relationship love. If you decide you want to see where this thing leads, I’m hoping you and I can develop that kind of devotion. Because I don’t think I’ve ever felt for anyone the way I feel about you.” He could hear the tone in his voice and knew he’d just put his heart on the line, but he couldn’t lie about it. He had never felt that way about another individual and hoped that society’s mores did not screw up his chance at a real, lasting love.

  Silence met his words and while it hurt, Jonathon was not surprised. He could see the battle on Brecker’s face. The desire to see where this thing was going vs the fear at the change it would cause. “And just so you know,” he said to lighten the mood a little, “that little urban legend that says gay men only ever want sex and they want it all the time? Well, in the back of our minds that might percolate. But the majority of us aren’t horn dogs. Some of us only believe in physical relations with someone we love.”

  Brecker looked him in the eyes. “You only ever had sex with Paul?” Jonathon nodded. “Low sex drive?”

  Jonathon snorted. “You know that tissue shortage Rolf likes to joke about? I’ve probably gone through more than most people in the last twelve years. It’s not that I don’t feel desire, Brecker. It’s that I only want to share my body with someone who cares for me and I care for him. Some call me old fashioned, some say I’m too religious, and some have even intimated that I must be either asexual or a pedophile because I don’t have sex.”

  A soft growl left Brecker’s throat as his eyes narrowed. “If anyone tries to suggest you’re a pedophile around me, they won’t say it more than once.”

  Smiling softly, Jonathon nodded. “Rolf has knocked a few teeth out in my defense at times. I think of myself as a romantic. I want the fireworks and the passion, but I want it with someone I’m planning to spend the rest of my life with, the person I’ll grow old with. A man who loves God as much as I do and who believes in loving and helping others.” He took a long, slow breath and put his feet back on the floor. He stood up, not making any fast movements, and walked across the room. Gently he took Brecker’s hands in his own. “This is something only you can decide, Brecker. Until people realize that sexuality is a lot more fluid than they think, there will be backlash. It could affect your business, your council position, and your vast array of contacts. It could affect your standing in the community as a whole. And it could affect the way the community views your adoption of Aiden.”

  He had to let Brecker make his own decision. As much as Jonathon wanted him to declare he didn’t care what people thought and to throw himself into this wonderful thing they were developing, he was not going to push him. It was Brecker’s decision. If he decided to go forward, Jonathon knew it would be a well thought out choice and he would never look back. If he chose not to, it would hurt, but he would respect Brecker’s decision.

  “I need time,” Brecker whispered, tightening his grip on Jonathon’s hands. “I don’t know what to do with this, Jonathon. I had no idea this was even happening. Though I probably should have guessed.” He leaned forward and rested his forehead against Jonathon’s again making him tremble. “You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known. And I feel so incredibly good around you. But we both know this is a major decision. Whether or not it should be a choice.” He let out a sad laugh. “I’m feeling rather jealous of Rolf right now. He’s always been open about who he is, hasn’t he?”

  “And damn the consequences,” Jonathon agreed. While he wanted nothing more than to keep touching Brecker, the internal pain he suffered made him pull back and step away. “I understand you need time. Take it. Continue to visit Aiden and if you want, we can set up times so that they won’t coincide with study or therapy. Know that if you decide not to pursue something with me, I’m still your friend.” He would take Brecker in any capacity he could have him. And he was telling the truth. He didn’t want to lose the friendship they’d developed. Even if it didn’t come with kisses that made his toes curl.

  There was truly nothing more to say. Jonathon was grateful when w
ithout another word, Brecker turned and left, closing the door behind him.

  Ten minutes later, the door opened and Jonathon knew who it was. Only one person besides Brecker would dare to enter his bedroom. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he turned. Rolf didn’t say a word. He walked forward with his arms open. Jonathon grabbed onto him and held on as he sobbed onto his shoulder.

  “He said no?” Rolf murmured a long while later.

  “He needs to decide.” Please, Lord, help me be okay with whatever decision he makes.

  “Good.” Rolf held him closer. “Then it wasn’t a no. Good man.”

  Tuesday was thankfully busy. Their court date was two-fold. Aiden had to be there by eleven for his final meeting with Caryn in an official, taped therapy appointment. The poor kid was jittery and Jonathon, having been through similar events with many of the other kids, took him into town early. He walked him around the town square and led him around the shops, trying to keep his attention on anything besides what was coming.

  Of course, it was almost impossible. By the time ten thirty hit, he drove them to the court house. They sat on the hard plastic chairs available outside of the judge’s chambers. He was glad they wouldn’t have to go into a court room or even a hearing room. Looked like the judge was trying to keep it as low key for Aiden as possible. Jonathon appreciated it.

  “Hi, Caryn.”

  At Aiden’s voice, he looked up and smiled at the court-appointed therapist. “Good morning, Caryn.”

  She smiled back and held her hand out to Aiden. “Come on. Let’s get this part over with. I promise. It won’t be bad at all.” Aiden glanced at Jonathon and then took her hand and stood up. “He’ll be with me until after your meeting with Judge Highland at one. So go ahead and get lunch or something. You won’t want to wait here for two hours. Your behind will be numb if you do.”