Her Emergency Knight

by Alison Roberts

  ‘I don’t feel like that anymore,’ Jennifer said quietly. ‘I feel drawn back. I can’t replace what I lost, but being here makes me realise just how much I did throw away.’ She raised her gaze to where a small jar of water sat on the mantelpiece above the fire. She had put the wilted buttercups into it before they’d gone out, and now their stems had straightened and the furled petals were waiting for daylight to open again. ‘And…’ Jennifer added, a shade desperately, ‘I want it again.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That feeling of belonging. Of…of being, I don’t know…important.’

  ‘You’re far more important where you are.’

  ‘Not in the way it matters the most. I think that’s why I want this baby so much. It feels more real, more important than anything else I have in my life.’

  It was a long moment before Guy spoke again. ‘You’ll be a great mother, Jenna.’

  ‘I hope so. I can’t remember much about my own mother. I feel like I grew up without one really.’

  ‘You and me both. Only I was missing a father as well.’

  ‘You’d be a great father, Guy,’ Jennifer said shyly.

  The silence was even longer this time. ‘I can’t do that, Jenna,’ Guy said finally. ‘Don’t you understand? I…I have feelings for you, and if I go there I’d end up like Digger, mooning after a woman whose standards he could never hope to meet.’

  ‘That’s not true.’

  Guy ignored her. ‘Or it would end up like my first marriage with the love I thought I’d found whittled away until there was only bitterness left. I can’t change who I am, Jenna, and I’m not going to try. Not again.’

  ‘I’m not asking you to.’ Jennifer reached out and caught Guy’s hand, the little squeeze she gave finally prompting him to meet her gaze. ‘What I feel for you has nothing to do with where you live or how much money you make.’ She paused and then gave her head an imperceptible shake as she tried to arrange her thoughts coherently enough to impart her message. ‘Well, it does have something to do with where you live, I suppose.’

  ‘Of course it does. We’re on different planets, Jenna.’

  It was Jennifer’s turn to ignore Guy’s comment.

  ‘You remember when you left me by that lake? When you went off to find firewood?’

  Guy nodded slowly.

  ‘I sat there and looked at the scenery and felt the isolation and stillness of it all, and I got this incredible sense of being part of it. Being…home, I guess. I put it down to exhaustion and stress and everything, but it’s happened again since then. Like today, when I sat beside that stream up on the hill, and it’s even happened in the middle of Auckland when…when I’ve being thinking of being with you.’

  Jennifer couldn’t be sure, but it felt like Guy was holding her hand now, not just allowing his to be held.

  ‘I’ve thought about it so often and I knew what it was when I saw you again today.’ Jennifer’s voice dropped to a whisper and the words were the most difficult she had ever had to utter. ‘Being with you makes me feel like I’ve found everything I’ve ever been searching for in my life. It feels like…like I’ve come home.’ Her need to catch a breath sounded like a gulp. ‘I’ve a horrible feeling that I’m in love with you, Guy.’

  Guy was sitting very, very still. He opened his mouth and the intensity in his eyes made Jennifer quite sure he was going to return the depth of feeling she had just expressed. Then he shook his head very slowly. Very sadly.

  ‘It could never work, Jenna. I’ve been there before. I know it could never work.’

  ‘You haven’t been there with me.’ Jennifer could feel fingers of despair reaching for her heart again. ‘If I really want something to work, I make damned sure it does work. And we’ve got a good reason to try, haven’t we?’

  She pulled at Guy’s hand, drawing it closer. Close enough to rest on her belly.

  ‘Haven’t we?’ she whispered.

  CHAPTER TEN

  TAKING his hand off Jennifer’s belly had torn a little piece from Guy’s soul, and it bled far into the night.

  Dawn found him walking in the hills, two bemused dogs trotting philosophically at his heels. Guy was saying nothing and it was more than clear that the exercise wasn’t easing his level of stress.

  He was so close to giving in. To letting his heart rule his head even though he knew it would be fatal. It was so tempting to believe her. To believe that she had found something more important in her life than her financial and professional and social success. But if he unlocked that door in his heart, he would be giving everything to Jennifer…and his child. They would become the warp and weft of his soul, and he simply couldn’t allow that to happen because it would destroy him if they left.

  And they would leave. Guy took a running leap to clear the small stream and kept going, a steady and punishing pace that had the dogs panting. Sure, it could work…for a while. A honeymoon period that would suck him into believing that it really was going to be forever, and that would be enough to seduce him into giving every ounce of love he was capable of giving.

  Jennifer could work with him in his practice. Hugh Patterson had said more than once recently that the workload of the emergency department at Lakeview warranted extra medical staff, so he would be delighted to make use of Jennifer’s expertise. Then she’d be busy with the baby, at least for a while, and her career would take a back seat.

  But it wouldn’t last. It could never last.

  At some point she would realise what she’d given up and she would resent the fact she was stuck in an isolated community, practising skills in emergency medicine on a very part-time basis. She wouldn’t be teaching anymore so she’d lose her prestigious title of professor, and having a husband and baby and a couple of dogs could never hope to fill the empty place in her life.

  She’d try to hide it, of course. There’d be a gradual slide into discontent. There’d be arguments when Guy was called out and she was left to deal with some domestic crisis or chores. The kind of education available probably wouldn’t be good enough for her child, and the social life would become excruciatingly dull. Guy never wanted a repeat of what it was like to be associated with someone who used their intelligence and wit to put people down, as Shannon had done so well. She’d alienated Guy as well as herself from the community and had made both their lives a misery.

  Shannon had left, as Jennifer would, too, eventually. It would break his heart but it would be so much worse than it had been with Shannon because his love for Jennifer would blow any previous relationship out of the water. Even worse than that, when she left she would be taking their child with her, and that would destroy him utterly.

  He would lose not only the woman he loved but a family, and he’d be exactly where he was now but with his spirit crushed beyond repair. He was better off to stay the way he was. No matter how hard it was to send Jennifer away now, it was a bid for survival. Just like that walk away from the crash site had been.

  With a snap of his fingers to warn the dogs, Guy did an about-turn and headed for home. The decision was made and he would stick to it because he had no choice. And this time he was going to make damn sure that Jennifer Allen wouldn’t be trailing behind him.

  Despite being an early summer morning, it was cold in the empty cottage. The blackened remains of the fire in the grate offered no warmth and Jennifer had no idea how to poke up the coal range and get it started.

  Guy was nowhere to be seen but she had definitely heard a door closing some time ago. Maybe he had gone out on a call. Jennifer sat at the kitchen table and zipped up her boots. She would find a cloth and wipe the last of the mud off them later. Or maybe she wouldn’t bother. Exhaustion was pulling her into a space where she really didn’t give a damn.

  She was supposed to leave today. If she wanted to catch her 1:00 p.m. flight she would need to leave the cottage by noon at the latest. It was just after 7:00 a.m. now. Time enough to talk to Guy even if the call took some time, but could it make any d
ifference? When he had snatched his hand from her belly last night and said it was time they both got some sleep, Jennifer had known any further attempts to throw herself at this man would just be pathetic. And soul-destroying. Something her pride should really prevent her doing.

  Except…she had seen something in his eyes when she’d confessed her love for him. A reflection, or reciprocation?

  Maybe she could at least find out whether what she had glimpsed was enough to hang any hopes for a future on. Whether something might change over the coming weeks or months. If there really was no hope, then she’d be stupid not to head home and put her emotional energy into securing the position that would challenge her enough to wipe out any dissatisfaction with her surroundings and disguise the loneliness in her life. Not to mention providing financial security for herself and her child.

  There was no hint of any promise on Guy’s face when he strode through the door a short time later.

  ‘You’re up, then.’ He nodded. ‘Sleep well?’

  ‘No. Did you?’

  ‘Guess we could both use a coffee, then,’ was Guy’s only response. He busied himself getting the coal range back into action. ‘What time does your plane leave?’

  ‘One o’clock. I’ve got a connection from Christchurch to Auckland at 2:15.’

  ‘What time is that interview?’

  ‘Four-thirty.’

  ‘Cutting things a bit fine, aren’t you? Maybe you could get an earlier flight.’

  ‘I don’t want an earlier flight. We still need to talk, Guy.’

  ‘There’s nothing left to talk about.’ Guy had the fridge open now, fishing out a carton of milk. ‘You might like to spend the extra time with some sightseeing in Queenstown, though. You didn’t get much of a chance the last time you were here.’

  ‘I don’t want to go sightseeing.’ Jennifer closed her eyes but her weariness was more emotional than physical. ‘We can’t leave things like this, Guy. I meant what I said last night. I…I love you.’ Lord, it sounded desperate and pleading in the cold light of day, but she couldn’t prevent herself trying at least once more. ‘You said you had feelings for me. We’re having a baby. There has to be a way we could make this work.’

  Guy abandoned his task, turning to face Jennifer. He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, Jenna, I really am. Yes, I do have feelings for you. Strong feelings, and that’s what makes it all the more impossible. It’s because of how I feel about you that I’m doing this. So that neither of us gets hurt. It just couldn’t work. It doesn’t matter how we feel about each other because no amount of love could put us on the same planet.’

  ‘But I told you, I—’ Jennifer broke off as the telephone rang and Guy raised his hand to silence her protest. She watched forlornly as he crossed the room to pick up the receiver. He thought she was the same person she had been when he’d met her. He didn’t believe she had changed, and why should he? People didn’t change something that fundamental. What he didn’t understand was that it had been there all along for her. She had just spent most of her life trying to bury it, probably thanks to the trauma of losing her mother so young.

  The realisation was still fresh. It had started while picking the buttercups yesterday, strengthened when she’d seen how they had revived in their jam jar last night and had become crystal clear during the sleepless hours that had followed. Guy had lost everyone he had loved. After the disaster his marriage must have been, who could blame him for thinking she would never last the distance? The barrier he had in place seemed impenetrable and if she kept pushing, he would just fortify his defences. She would be well advised to admit defeat, at least for the moment, and try to find a different approach.

  Suddenly Guy’s voice cut through the spin of emotion governing her thoughts.

  ‘It’s pretty early to be visiting. He’s probably out seeing to the cattle or something first.’ He listened again. ‘If the ford’s impassable, that’ll be why he hasn’t made it. Maybe the phone lines are down.’

  Jennifer watched as Guy rubbed his forehead and then squeezed his temples as though in pain. ‘Are they sure it’s a truck? How long before someone can get in the river and check it out?’

  Then he was nodding. ‘I’m on my way.’

  He put down the telephone pulled a mobile phone from the charger beside it. ‘I have to go,’ he told Jennifer. ‘I have no idea what time I’ll get back. Don’t worry about locking the door.’

  ‘What’s happened?’

  ‘Phil rang Ellie after he left the pub last night. He said he’d be in first thing to visit them, but he hasn’t shown up and he’s not answering his mobile. Ellie called Maureen to see if he’d decided to stay at the pub because of the rain last night. Maureen alerted our local cop and he’s just spotted what looks like a set of tyres in the river.’

  ‘Oh, God!’ Jennifer breathed. ‘That ford! It was bad enough yesterday and it was raining quite hard again last night, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Our local search-and-rescue team has been activated. I’m the medic. We’re meeting at a point just down from the ford in fifteen minutes.’

  ‘I’m coming with you.’

  ‘You can’t. This could take hours.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘You might miss your flight.’

  ‘I don’t care.’ Jennifer was pulling on her coat. ‘I can get a later flight. I could ask them to postpone my interview until tomorrow.’

  ‘I don’t want you to come.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ Jennifer snapped for the third time. ‘This isn’t about you, Guy.’ She was pulling on her coat. ‘You win, OK? As soon as this is over, I’ll be out of your life. I’m not stupid enough to keep battering my head on a brick wall.’ She was at the door now, waiting for him. ‘This is about Phil, not us. I was there when his baby was born yesterday, Guy. Do you think I’m going to go home without knowing whether Isaac’s father is still alive?’

  Several vehicles were already positioned at the rendezvous point near where the tributary joined the larger river. The bearded Mack was there with his tow truck. Other locals had also gathered but the three men dressed in overalls and heavy boots were strangers. Guy introduced them as members of the search-and-rescue team from Queenstown.

  ‘The police divers will be here shortly,’ the team leader, Wayne, informed Guy. ‘Then we’ll know what we’re dealing with.’

  Was there any chance Phil could have survived his vehicle being swept away and overturned by the swollen river? Catching the glances of people who had shared the celebration of Phil Henderson’s son’s arrival last night, Jennifer thought it unlikely. And incredibly sad. Hadn’t this community had enough tragedy to deal with recently?

  She moved closer to a group of women who had the back of a utility vehicle covered in Thermos flasks of hot water and various containers. Maureen was using a plastic lid as a board on which she was buttering scones.

  ‘Can I help?’

  The women made space for her, and Jennifer was handed a knife and a jar of raspberry jam.

  ‘They’ll need something to eat and a hot drink,’ Maureen explained. ‘Especially if they have to start searching.’

  ‘Do you think Phil might have got out of the truck, then?’

  ‘Let’s hope so.’ Maureen’s expression was grim as she sliced another scone in half. ‘We’ll find out soon enough.’

  But it was nearly an hour by the time the police divers arrived and got into their wetsuits and breathing apparatus. The news had spread like wildfire and more and more locals arrived to stand vigil at the riverside. The faces were all familiar but there was no hint of the camaraderie and humour of the previous evening. These people were grim. They were all somewhere no one wanted to be, but they were there together to both offer and receive support.

  It was a solid thing, this feeling of community, and Jennifer felt a curious pride at being part of it as she made a strong pot of tea and then took a plate of food to offer to the official search party. Their numbers had also grown
, with police, ambulance and fire service vehicles and personnel on standby. Guy was leaning over the bonnet of a police car as he and Wayne studied a detailed map of the area.

  The shout from one of the divers came just as Guy raised a mug of tea to his lips.

  ‘Cab’s empty!’

  The tea slopped onto the edge of the map. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Affirmative. The driver’s window is wound down. He must have got out.’

  ‘Right.’ Wayne was ready for action. ‘We’ll divide into two teams and search the banks. Maggie, you go with Pete’s team and you stay with me, Guy. That way we’ll have a medic on hand without having to wait for a boat to do a river crossing.’

  ‘I’m coming, too.’

  The look Jennifer received was one of astonishment. Then it became patronising as Wayne’s gaze raked her from head to toe. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Jenna’s a doctor. Specialist in emergency medicine.’ It was Guy who spoke up in her support and Jennifer flashed him a grateful glance.

  ‘She’s not equipped or dressed for this,’ Wayne said dismissively. ‘She’d be a liability.’

  ‘I’ve got a spare set of overalls in my truck.’ Jennifer recognised the young man who’d made the quip about Guy having to marry her last night. Nathan. ‘She can have those.’

  ‘This isn’t a Sunday walk,’ another of the men from Queenstown was disparaging. ‘She wouldn’t even keep up.’

  ‘Don’t you believe it.’ Guy pinned the man with his glare. ‘Jenna could give you a run for your money any day. She made it out of the Balfour Range with me after that plane crash.’

  ‘Oh…’ Wayne’s glance carried something more like respect now.

  ‘And I, for one, would prefer to have her along,’ Guy added. ‘If Phil’s in need of medical assistance, Jenna’s the person I want to have around.’

  ‘She saved Phil’s baby yesterday.’ The onlookers had been listening to the exchange and one now spoke up decisively. ‘She deserves a chance to help him.’

  ‘She should come.’ Maggie sounded unusually serious, but then she flashed Jennifer an almost imperceptible wink. ‘She’s one of us.’