by K. A. Gandy
“Look, I am not here worried about those dudes. They’re grown, and they’ll live with whatever you decide. You’re my baby sister. I want to know why you’ve been checked out. You’re not you lately, Sadie. What can I do to fix it?” He leans forward and rests his hands on both of my knees. “Talk to me, or I’m not leaving.”
I rest my hands on top of his larger ones, “I don’t even know, myself,” I confess. “I am just so torn up inside and mad about what they did to Josephine. They won’t tell me where she is, do you know that? It’s been weeks, and nothing. Did they ship her off? Her match disappeared, too. Did they kick her out? Was she penalized? Nothing, nada, zip. I have beaten on every door in this place, and Patrick has asked everyone above him in the guard, and nobody knows where she is, or at least they’re not saying.” I swallow, but the lump in my throat won’t budge.
“I just hate this, Teddy. Nobody should be able to have this much power over another human. Does her family even know she’s gone, or if she’s gone? What if they’ve locked her in like, NLC jail until she promises to behave? She never will! And what’s to say I won’t be next, Teddy? If you weren’t here, I would just be gone, and nobody at home would ever know what they did to me. It’s not right!” My voice cracks. “Remember Aisha, who was a few years older than me?”
“Yeah, what about her?”
“Well, she enrolled in the program late, like I did. Didn’t want to go, left behind her high school sweetheart. And she just never came back. Her parents got a letter in the mail a year later that she’d died in childbirth, delivering a baby boy. They spent months trying to get the baby, but eventually they got another rejection letter, stating that the baby had already been adopted through some orphan program, for couples who are completely sterile. That’s it, she was just gone, and all her parents got was a letter. They didn’t even get a body to bury! Nothing!” I hide my face in my hands.
His arms come up, and he wraps me in a hug, “Shh, sister, it’s all going to be okay.” I try to protest, but he cuts me off, “I’m not saying it’s right. It’s not right, not at all. But you aren’t alone. You have me, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Plus, you have all these matches trying to plant you, I don’t think they’ll be letting you out of their sight. Especially that Matthew guy, he’s intense.”
I shove him back, “Ok, you dope, enough with the planting. It’s a gross metaphor.” I scrub at a tear that dared escape.
He reaches over and ruffles my bedhead. “You’re not going to die in childbirth; Mom delivered seven of us just fine, so you’ve got rock star genes. You saw what happened to Josephine, and I know you’d never make a scene like that and get in trouble.” He raises both hands, “I’m not justifying it, just saying it won’t happen to you.”
I glare at him anyways. “Speaking of rock star genes, I’m not the only one.” I forgot to tell him about his likely genetic unicorn status.
“Ehh, I’m just a man—nobody cares about my awesome genes.” He brushes me off.
“No, Teddy, I’m serious. I haven’t had a minute alone with you to tell you before now,” I urge, not wanting him to take this lightly. “I found out that the NLC scientists think our family has some sort of—what did they call it?—polymorphic gene, which means we’re no longer affected by the Sterilization Vector. I’m normal, and you probably are, too.”
He leans back on the bench, serious again. “How did you find that out?”
“Patrick’s friend, Glitch. I think he’s some sort of hacker, and he had access to all this information about everyone. They think the kidnapping attempt when we first got here might have been directed at me,” I admit.
My usually jovial brother’s face darkens immediately, “Are you trying to tell me they let people who were trying to kidnap you—not just one of the women, but YOU, specifically—get that close?” He stands up and starts to pace. “There’s no way I can leave with Faith, then. Not until you’re ready to go with us. What if they come back? I would never forgive myself if you got snatched when I was on some beach somewhere sipping piña coladas.”
“They haven’t come back, so clearly they’ve given up. I am not going to stop you and Faith from getting this over with and getting out of this program.”
“Sadie, did you not hear the announcement last month? There is no ‘getting out’ anymore, for you or Faith. We’re all officially in this for the long haul,” he states, momentarily stopping his pacing.
“Yeah, sure, I did hear that. Trust me, I haven’t forgotten. But you’re a man! You see out your time with Faith, and you two can part ways as friends, and you can go live your normal life. I’m apparently fertile, so I shouldn’t have to go back into the matching program so long as my husband doesn’t completely suck.”
He’s staring at me, “You think that just because I’m a man and can divorce Faith when this is over, that that’s what I’ll do? Did you not grow up in the same house I did, with Mom and Dad spouting constantly about how marriage is for life? All the rest of these people might feel like marriage is something to slap on and off like a wet raincoat, but you and I both know better. No, once I’m in, I’m in for life.” He points a finger at me, as if punctuating the sentiment.
I frown, “Have you spoken to Faith about how you feel about marriage?”
He waves a hand up and down, dismissing my question, “Don’t try to change the subject—I already know they’ve made her divorce twice. She gets a pass; she didn’t have an option either time.”
“No, that’s not what I mean—” I start again, but he cuts me off.
“But, hey—upside to you being a poly-whatcha-ma-call-it—I’ve probably got some super sperm and we shouldn’t have much trouble having a baby. Did you hear we’re actually a ninety-nine percent match? Cool, huh?” He seems cheerful, practically chipper. He’s now moving stuff around on my desk, looking for something to fidget with. He finds a rubber-band ball and starts tossing it.
“Teddy, will you shut up for a minute? I’m serious.” I use my sternest voice.
“What?” He keeps tossing the ball, but he shuts up at least.
“Have you asked Faith how she feels about staying married? Does she also want to be married, happily ever after, and the whole ‘forever’ shebang with you? Because that’s not the impression I got from her before.” I pause, not wanting to burst his bubble, but also feeling the need to protect him. “She told me that she wants to go back to New Texas. That once she’s had the required number of kids, she wants to take the kids and live on her own, in her family home.”
Teddy’s next catch misses, and the rubber-band ball goes rolling off under my unmade bed. “She said that? When?”
“Well, it was before you got here. But she is tired of being jerked around all over and seemed pretty set on it. You should probably let her in on the whole literal interpretation of ‘till death do us part’ before you run off and marry her early.” To my utter shock, he seems to deflate at my words.
“I can’t believe she feels that way.” He sits back on the bench at the foot of the bed, looking shocked.
“Really? You really can’t understand it? Because I can, and this is my first time getting matched. She’s already been through this twice, Teddy. And from the sounds of it, her second match was a real piece of work,” I say, softer now. I sit next to him, and this time it’s me putting an arm around his shoulders for comfort.
He snorts angrily, “Yeah—Spencer? Total douche-nozzle. I’d love an hour alone with that guy and my police baton.”
I smack his arm, “Best to just let that go, don’t you think? He’s out of her life now.”
We sit quietly for a few minutes, and then, the sound of my usual morning windchimes start echoing through my room. Teddy makes his exit, and I get ready for the day. I’ve got some men to send home today. The only question is, which ones?
Letting Go
I scheduled dates with all five of my remaining matches today, and it’s going to be the last day here fo
r a few of them. Maybe four of them, I haven’t decided. It’s time to hammer out some details. I fidget with the hem of my favorite green flannel shirt, dreading my first date. I’ve been getting to know each of these men, so I feel like I owe it to each of them to let them know in person if I’ll be releasing them, and say goodbye. It seems cold to do it any other way at this point, but I still dread letting them down. Surprisingly enough, each man pulls out a different part of my personality, and I do feel a connection with each of them on some level, but it’s time.
I’m waiting on the dormitory porch, staring out over the rolling green lawns when Pierce walks up and greets me, “Good morning, Sadie. You look lovely as always,” he says smoothly.
“Hey Pierce,” I say, locking eyes with him, “I was hoping you wouldn’t mind having a talk with me. Care to swing a bit?” I gesture towards the swings at either end of the porch.
He ascends the stairs and slips his hand around my waist. We walk together towards the swing on the right side of the porch, so we’re looking back down the long curving driveway. We sit quietly for a moment, and I get us swinging just so. He rests one palm on my thigh and gives me a small squeeze.
“So, it’s time, isn’t it?” he surprises me by asking.
I’m staring at my feet, unable to look at him now. “Yes, I think it is.”
He reaches up and swipes a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m pretty sure I know why, but, can we talk about it anyways?” he asks quietly.
I take a deep breath, “Of course. You’re a really great guy, and at risk of stating the obvious, extremely handsome. Any girl would be lucky to catch you and make little movie-star babies with you,” I begin. “But the thing is, Helena has already caught you. And as much as I respect you as a person, I don’t think that the lifestyle you want is the one that’s right for me. I want you to know, I did consider it. I didn’t keep you here for nothing—the idea of a small amount of freedom is hard to resist, and you’re so charming. But when it comes down to it . . . that’s not who I am.”
He’s looking off into the distance when he responds a moment later, “That’s what I assumed, but I appreciate you telling me. For what it’s worth, you’re a really great girl. One of these men is extremely lucky that you’re going to choose him, don’t forget that, okay? Just because they want to act like you have no options, and only one value, doesn’t mean it’s true. You have the potential to do and be so much more, Sadie, if you just open yourself to it. If it wasn’t for Helena, I could see you and I making a memorable life together.”
I’m floored, but the words mean a lot to me, and I tuck them away to pull out and examine another time. “Thank you, Pierce, that really means a lot.”
He gives me a weak smile, “All right then, I guess I’ll go start packing.” With one last kiss on the cheek, he walks back to the men’s dormitory and out of my life.
My next date is with Grant, who I choose to meet at the stables as is our custom. I’m a few minutes early since my talk with Pierce didn’t take long, so I make the rounds and give each horse a biscuit, before getting to work grooming and saddling Hercules.
“You really are a pretty fella, Herckie-Herc. I wish you and I could just ride off into the sunset together, we’d have a blast. I even have a friend for you back home named Morgan. I bet you two would be thick as thieves in no time, once you sorted out who’s boss. What do you say, Herckie? Want to run away with me?” I run the finishing brush up over his hips, and his coat shines like liquid silver. “You’re just going to leave a girl hanging even after a proposal like that? And here I thought we were good friends.” I give him a scratch behind the ear, and he snorts in response. Man of few words, this one.
I spin to get his saddle where I’d set it on the rack outside the stall door, only to see a grinning Grant leaned against it.
“Speaking of leaving people hanging, you’re just going to ride off into the wilds with old Hercules here, and leave us all high and dry, huh?”
“Hey, poke fun if you must, but have you seen this boy? His dapple gray coat would make any female swoon.” I give him my best fainting belle impression. “Pass me his blanket?”
He shakes his head at my antics before passing me Hercules’s tack. I quickly saddle up, and then he grabs Bullet’s reins from the ever-present Michael.
“Which way do you want to go today?” he asks once we’re in the courtyard.
“Let’s go blue. First one to dismount at the pond wins!” I shout, kicking Hercules into an instant gallop towards the trailhead. He takes off so quickly he flings up clods of dirt from the courtyard.
“Giddup, Bullet!” Grant shouts from behind us, and I can hear his reins slap against Bullet’s flank as he urges him to catch us.
The wind whips against my face, and the cool fall air fills my lungs as we race along the winding trail towards the pond. I can hear Bullet closing in behind us and another slap of Grant’s reins urging him on. I raise slightly off the saddle, and lean forward towards Hercules’s neck, ignoring the small stings of his mane whipping against my face. I kiss to him, and his ears flick back in response. “Come on Herc, let’s show those boys what we’re made of!” I drop my reins hand down low, giving him his lead. Somehow, he finds another gear and we shoot forward even faster. “That’s it, Hercules! We’re flying now!” I encourage him, his ears flattening against his head as he flies over the soft trail.
We fly over the soft pine needle ground, and Bullet never catches us. The opening to the pond clearing is suddenly upon us, and without hesitation Hercules charges ahead straight towards the pond. At the last possible moment I sit deeply in the saddle and lean back with a shout, “Ho, Hercules!” He slides to a stop any cutting horse would be proud of as I leap off over his left shoulder. Spinning, I can’t help the grin covering my face as I spot Grant and Bullet a full two paces behind us. They never stood a chance. I feel so alive, so giddy in that moment that I feel like Hercules has given me wings. Grant pulls Bullet up a few feet away from me and swings his leg over to step off. He gives him a quick pat on the neck before dropping his reins and closing the distance between us.
“How in tarnation did you get that horse to run so fast? We were gaining on you, and he took off like a rocket. Poor Bullet here didn’t stand a chance, and he’s a hand taller than Hercules. What’s your secret?” he asks conspiratorially.
I laugh letting the lighthearted moment bubble over. I lean in close, and he stiffens just slightly as my breath touches his ear, “I know how to sweet talk the fellas, and that’s all you need to know.” I punch him lightly on the shoulder and lean back.
“Fine, I see how it is,” he says teasing me, “Now, what is it you win exactly, for showing me and poor Bullet up so thoroughly?”
I exaggeratedly tap my chin as I lead Hercules over to the hitching post and tie him up. “How about a game. Truth or dare. But I’ll be nice, and let the loser go first, since you clearly need a head start.” I gesture to the bench under the closest tree, and we walk over to take a seat in the shade.
“Truth or dare? You know I’m thirty two, not twelve, right?” he says lightly.
I just elbow him in the ribs, and wait for him to ask the question.
He sighs as if I’m torturing him, “All right, what’s it going to be? Truth, or dare?”
“Truth.” My go-to response. Call me chicken, but girls can get vicious at sleepovers, and old habits die hard.
“Truth, okay. Have you picked someone? Is that why you’ve asked all of us on dates today, so you can let everyone down easy?”
I’m surprised by his perception, but I shouldn’t be. He didn’t save his whole town and family business by being obtuse. “Not in so many words, but I think it’s time to narrow things down. I need to know at this point if you are, or are not, a contender.”
“Fair enough. How far are you planning to narrow things down?” he asks.
“Uh-uh, my turn. Only one question per round. Truth or dare?” I posit.
He lo
oks to the sky, leaning back against the bench for a second before answering. “Truth for truth. What do you want to know?”
I think for a moment, unsure how to best phrase my question without offending him. “Do you find me attractive?” I finally settle on that, as it puts more of the burden on me.
He looks startled, “What? Of course! You’re a very attractive woman.”
“Okay,” I say simply. “Your turn again. I choose truth.”
“Well I’m not really sure how to follow that one up. Maybe tit-for-tat. Do you find me attractive?” He looks at me expectantly.
I take my time, and peruse him from his tan cowboy hat, past rugged reddish scruff, down his farm-boy muscles, all the way to the tips of his pointed boots before meeting his eyes again. “Yes, I do.” I give him a cheeky smile. “My turn. Truth or dare?”
He clutches his hand to his heart playfully, “I’m not sure I can handle any more truth.”
“Okay, then I dare you to kiss me.” I say it quickly, before he has a chance to change his mind. I watch intently as his expression changes from playfulness, through surprise, and then to reserve.
“Wait, hold on a minute. Is this some sort of test? Why would you want our first kiss to be here, like this? Physical intimacy is not a game to me, Sadie.” He leans away from me. The motion is slight enough I’m not sure he even realizes he’s done it, but his discomfort is crystal clear to me.
“Okay, it’s fine. We can stop playing. But I still want you to kiss me. Do you even want to kiss me, Grant?” I lean over, and place a hand gently on his forearm, and his flinch is more noticeable this time.
He stares at his boots, and the moment drags on. I already know the answer before he forces himself to look at me again. I move my hand to his shoulder and give it a small reassuring squeeze.
“It’s okay if the answer is no, Grant. It really is. I just needed to know that. I’m sorry for pushing you,” I say softly.
