Master of My Heart

by Marissa Honeycutt

  Her gaze moved to the side and she bit her lip.

  “Sabrina . . .”

  She looked up, eyes wide, and released her lip. He swallowed hard and couldn’t resist leaning down and pressing his lips to hers. She melted against him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he probed her lips with his tongue. When she parted them, he tasted honey and felt like he was flying on a cloud of happiness. He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her to him.

  The earth seemed to spin as he kissed her on that riverbank. He never wanted to stop tasting her, inhaling her scent, feeling her strong and supple body against his. She moaned softly and pressed herself harder against him. Her one hand trailed down his chest and stomach. It would be so tempting to let her go farther, but he couldn’t. He grabbed hold of her wrist and reluctantly pulled it away. He sucked in a deep, cooling breath and looked down at her delicious, swollen lips.

  “We can’t,” he said, his voice hoarse.

  She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together for a moment before turning and walking away a few steps.

  *****

  Sabrina walked to stare over the dark body of water. She wrapped her arms around herself and tried to suppress a shiver. It wasn’t from the cold. It was from her desire for Chase. She’d never wanted anyone like she wanted him. Her whole body coursed with fiery need. She understood why he said no, but it didn’t help how she felt. She felt like a knotted ribbon. Most of the time, she kept busy and could push aside the thoughts and feelings that threatened to drive her insane. But the longer she tried to push them aside, the harder it got.

  She wanted to be strong for Chase. She knew men needed sex as much as she did. If he could do it, she could. But it was so hard.

  Swallowing, she hung her head, feeling defeated.

  She heard footsteps and felt Chase’s warmth at her back. He didn’t touch her, though. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  She shook her head, not wanting to admit her weakness to him.

  He stepped around to face her. He tilted his head and took her hand. His touch helped and made it harder at the same time. “Sabrina, how long has it been since you’ve had sex?”

  She closed her eyes, which had filled with tears. “I should be able to control myself,” she whispered. “Like you are.”

  He squeezed her hand. “How long?”

  “When I was kidnapped.”

  “That doesn’t count.”

  Humiliation filled her and her shoulders slumped. “I told you I liked some of it.” The tears escaped, hot and full of shame. Shame for who she was and what she liked. “I should go—”

  “No. You’re not running away this time.” He held her hand tightly and she looked up at him through tear-filled eyes.

  “I’m twisted, Chase. I’m not normal. How can you want to be with someone like me?”

  “What’s normal?”

  She opened her mouth to speak, but didn’t have an answer to his question.

  “Sabrina, you were tortured and abused for years and they played with your mind terribly. You’re not fully human. Most of you is Immortal, which are some of the kinkiest, sexually active beings in all of existence. How can you expect to not have unusual desires?”

  “Aren’t they, those desires, wrong?”

  “Who’s to say what’s wrong in a relationship? Sex is meant to be an enjoyable experience between people. Different people enjoy different things. As long as both people enjoy what’s going on, who cares if your neighbor doesn’t approve?”

  She’d never thought about it like that before. “But Ramon . . . They all told me what a sick, twisted person I was to like what I was doing.”

  Chase pulled her close and cupped her chin. “They were playing with your mind, Sabrina. Twisting it. What they told you was a lie. You’re not sick and twisted. You’re . . . adventurous.”

  “Adventurous?”

  He shrugged. “I couldn’t think of a different word.”

  She inhaled deeply. “But are you . . . adventurous?”

  His eyes lit up and he grinned. “Yes. Very adventurous.”

  “Really?” She blinked several times.

  He traced her cheek and tapped her nose. “Yes, Sabrina. Being in the Brotherhood does lend itself to some adventurous sexual experiences. I enjoy them all.”

  She giggled, but when she realized what he’d said, her smile fell. “You’re still going to be a part of it if we get married, though, right?” she asked in a quiet voice. “What happens at those Gathering things?”

  Chase turned serious, not answering right away. “The Brotherhood controls the world using the most powerful act known to man. Sex.” He looked at her. “Sex relaxes people. It invigorates them. It can be used as blackmail, seduction, and outright control.”

  “So, when Richard said I’d be ‘well attended’ there, he meant that lots of people would want to have sex with me?” she asked sadly.

  Chase nodded. “It’s what you’re meant for, Sabrina.”

  She stiffened and swallowed hard. “I don’t want that,” she said in a choked voice.

  “You need to go and see it. You need to understand what goes on there, then maybe you’ll be able to accept it better.”

  Her face screwed up as she tried not to cry. “Don’t you understand? That’s what I was for years.” She stalked a few steps away across the grass and turned back to face him. “How can you tell me to go to one of those things when you know about my past?”

  “A Gathering is nothing like your past, Sabrina,” Chase said forcefully. “I know it’s hard to understand, but why would I lie about something like this?”

  “Men always want something from me,” she spat.

  “The only thing I want from you is for you to be happy,” he said, stepping closer.

  “Would you stop being a part of the Brotherhood if I asked? If you knew it would hurt me?”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Why not? It’s a free country.”

  “Once you become part of it, you’re not free like that anymore.”

  “And you want me to be part of it?”

  He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s not like that, Sabrina. I have obligations as an Elder-Son. I cannot go back on my promise, on my commitment I made years ago. It was a choice I freely made and it can’t be undone.”

  “Would you change it if you could?”

  He didn’t answer right away. “No. Because I believe in it.”

  “But you’re not free.”

  “I wasn’t free in the army, either, and I made that choice, too, because I believed in it. I believed in the greater good and was willing to give up certain things because of it. The world is bigger than our petty little human lives. I can’t sit by and do nothing if the opportunity presents itself. I have to do the right thing.” He sighed and softened his tone. “And whether you like it or not, you’re a part of it, too. Your very existence is your part in it.”

  Sabrina didn’t know how to react to his words. Her body shook and her mind circled around memories of her past abuse. “I want to go home,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself. She couldn’t think straight and needed to be alone.

  “I know it’s hard to understand but—”

  She shook her head. “You’re right. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you want me to be a part of something like that. Why you’d want to be a part of that.” She lifted her chin. “Take me home, please.”

  “If that’s what you want,” he said in a low voice.

  She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

  *****

  The drive home was long and silent. Chase kept rehashing the conversation in his mind, trying to figure out where he could have fixed it, but nothing was obvious. Yes, if they lived in a perfect world, he’d find a way to remove himself from th
e entanglements of the Brotherhood, marry Sabrina, and live happily ever after. But they didn’t live in a perfect world. The Brotherhood was a necessary part of it, and he was a part of the Brotherhood. She was, too, even though she seemed to be in denial. He partially understood why she avoided it. She was afraid, but she didn’t trust him enough to believe it when he said it wasn’t something to be afraid of. Not by her anyway.

  Chase knew her desires—needs—were starting to surface. Going to a Gathering would help. She’d have sex and would feel better, but he couldn’t force her to go.

  He didn’t know what to do. He reached across the car to hold her hand. She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t hold his, either. At least she wasn’t angry. If she were, she’d have pulled away.

  She was such an amazing woman, and he loved every minute he’d spent with her, getting to know her and helping her open up to life. He loved the way her eyes sparkled when she experienced something new. He loved the smile on her face when she was brave and succeeded in something she’d never done before. She was unlike any woman he’d ever met before and he was completely taken with her. He’d do anything for her. Except break a commitment made when he was twenty.

  How can I make her understand?

  He parked in front of her building and hurried around to open the door for her. They walked inside and waited silently for the elevator. They didn’t speak as she unlocked the door to her apartment. He leaned down to kiss her, but she turned her head so he could only kiss her cheek. Then she went in and closed the door behind her without another word.

  As he walked away, the ache in his chest was worse than when he couldn’t find her. He sat in his car for a long time, thinking about the evening.

  Then his phone rang.

  “Ethan?” he said anxiously. “What’s wrong?”

  “She kicked me out,” came Ethan’s voice through the speaker of the phone.

  “What?” he stared at the phone as if it were Ethan’s face.

  “She told me to get out. That she didn’t want me watching her anymore.”

  “Fuck.”

  “What happened?”

  Chase leaned back and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m still out front. Come on out and I’ll tell you about it.” He closed his eyes and waited for his friend to come out of the building.

  Ethan came out and threw his bag into the back seat, then hopped into the front. “I’ll come back in the morning in stealth mode. I told Jayson to keep an eye on her and let me or you know if something happens.”

  “Thanks.” Chase started the car with a frown.

  “So what happened? She not like the place you took her for dinner?”

  Chase gave a mirthless laugh. “I wish it were something that simple.” He told Ethan about the conversation. When he was done, Ethan sat there quietly. By that time, they were back at the condo. They got out and walked inside, neither saying anything.

  “Maybe Richard can get through to her,” Ethan suggested as they walked up the stairs. “If nothing else, he can force her to listen.”

  “I don’t want her to be forced to do anything.”

  “Sometimes we have to push people to do the right thing, though, right?” Ethan asked, glancing at Chase. “She needs to be protected. We can’t let her wander around the city without having some sort of protection.”

  Chase nodded. Theo’s warning rang through his head. “Richard won’t like that you left.”

  “She was pretty mad when she saw me. Crying mad.” He chuckled. “She’s got spirit.”

  “That she does.” He sighed. “You’re right. I’ll call Richard and see what he suggests.”

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Sabrina was miserable when she woke up the next morning. She’d hardly slept, and when she did, she had terrible nightmares. Even though she felt justified in leaving Chase like she did, she felt guilty. She missed him terribly. But his ideas of what happened after marriage . . . How could she accept something like that? She wanted a marriage like her parents had. Chase would go to the Gathering things and have sex with other women. Was she supposed to go and watch?

  Throughout rehearsal, she kept glancing at the empty corner where Ethan usually sat. She’d gotten so used to his presence, she missed him almost as much as she missed Chase. But when she’d walked into her apartment last night and saw him, it had set her off and she yelled at him to get out. She suspected it was more shock than anything that made him listen. The empty corner made her even more sad, though she would have sworn she could still sense him around, even though she couldn’t see him.

  She felt very alone.

  After they concluded their reverence, Jayson hugged her to his side. “Let’s go get some lunch,” he said gently. She nodded. She hadn’t eaten breakfast and her stomach growled, even though she wasn’t in the mood to eat.

  Liz and Jon had arrived late to class, so she hadn’t been able to talk to her beforehand. Liz hurried over to hug her as Sabrina and Jayson headed toward the hallway. “I heard what happened,” she said, her bright blue eyes full of sympathy. “It’ll be okay. It has to be.”

  Sabrina stared at the floor as she walked out of the studio surrounded by her friends. She missed Chase.

  They silently walked to the deli. As they sat down, her phone rang, but she didn’t recognize the number. “Hello?” she answered nervously.

  “Sabrina? It’s Richard.”

  She frowned, confused. Why would Richard be calling? Did he think he could have her now, since she’d pushed Chase away? “Hi, Richard.”

  “Chase called and told me what happened last night.”

  Her shoulders slumped. “Oh.”

  “I was wondering if you’d like to talk this evening.”

  “About what?”

  “About the Brotherhood. I’m sure you have questions.”

  She hesitated. “I do,” she admitted slowly.

  “Would you like to see the Manor?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Where we meet. Where we perform our duties.”

  Where they have sex.

  The way he said it didn’t really sound like an offer. His voice had a hint of command in it. No, he wasn’t commanding, but she didn’t doubt that he would if he needed to. “Okay.”

  “Sabrina, I’m not trying to steal you away from Chase. I’d like to clear up any confusion you have and answer any questions.”

  For some reason, she believed him. “Okay.”

  Richard chuckled. “Shall I pick you up after rehearsal?”

  “I should shower and have dinner first,” she said. “How about six at my apartment?” Something about another man picking her up from rehearsal in front of her friends seemed wrong.

  “I can do that. Promise me you won’t walk home alone, though.”

  She sighed and looked up at Jayson. “Okay.” He’d walk home with her.

  *****

  The only good thing about being miserable was that Jayson’s touch during rehearsal didn’t affect her like it normally did. Sabrina was too consumed with her broken heart to think about how his hands felt on her body. It wasn’t the worst rehearsal she’d ever had, but it certainly wasn’t the best one, either. Martin seemed to know what was going on and kept encouraging her, but didn’t get angry.

  She walked home with Jayson, not talking. She showered and then stood in the living room, looking out the window.

  “When is Richard picking you up?” Jayson asked.

  “Six.” She turned to look at him. “Do you think he’s a good guy?”

  “Richard?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. She nodded. “Yeah. I mean, he’s a little hard-nosed about some stuff, but yeah, he’s a good guy.”

  “Did Chase tell you what happened?” she asked, walking over to the couch and dropping onto it.

  Jayson nodded. “He call
ed last night.”

  “Oh.”

  “Asked me to keep an eye on you since you kicked Ethan out.”

  “Oh.” She picked at her fingernails. “Have you ever been to those Gathering things?”

  Jayson nodded. “Yeah. Chase has invited me a few times.”

  “What are they like?” she asked earnestly.

  He thought for a moment. “Orgies.”

  Sabrina gasped slightly.

  “Well, not really,” Jayson continued quickly. “I mean, there’s sex. A lot of it. But it’s not like everyone’s doing everyone else. Men and women, sometimes multiple people doing stuff. There are some rooms in the back if people want privacy, too. Usually it’s just a relaxed place to be free to do as you please.”

  It was just like she’d imagined.

  “Did you know that Richard’s wife goes?”

  Sabrina’s head snapped up. “Kathy?”

  Jayson nodded. “Yeah. A lot of wives go. They’re as freaky as their husbands.” He laughed.

  She looked away, not sure how to process that. Jayson grabbed her hand. “Sorry. Listen. I can imagine it’s not the easiest thing, knowing that Chase would be going to that sort of thing. But he has to. You don’t cross the Brotherhood. I’ve heard stories.”

  “What kind of stories?”

  “One time, a guy tried to save some girls who were being abused by an Elder and he was almost killed. Well, he said he should have been killed, but because he was trying to do the right thing, they spared him and just gave him a good whipping.”

  “Whipping?”

  He nodded. “They whipped his back until it was in shreds.”

  Her jaw dropped open in horror. “Why would anyone want to be a part of something like that?”

  “They’re not bad people, but rules are rules. You don’t break them. Ever.”

  She stared at the coffee table, wanting to run away again. Far away from this life. But where would you go? You have nowhere.

  You have no one.

  Someone knocked on the apartment door and she got up. When she opened it, Richard stood there, wearing a thick black sweater over a collared blue shirt and khaki dress pants. “Ready?” he asked with a concerned smile.