Something New

by Sean Ashcroft

  “I think I could go for doing it again,” Declan said. “Not… in the next hour or so, but…”

  Ash chuckled at that. “Oh, I’ll need a nap first. And probably a shower and a meal. I’m just saying. No complaints.”

  “My legs are killing me,” Declan murmured.

  “Mine too,” Ash said. “But that’s not a complaint. I’m gonna be sore in the morning and I don’t know about you, but for me, that’s kinda hot.”

  Declan chuckled. “I get it. You wanna try stumbling to the bed?”

  Ash laughed at that, amazed by how good Declan made him feel. Not just while they were having sex, but after, too.

  “I’ll try anything once.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Despite Ash saying that they needed to talk, Declan had woken up alone this morning, and Ash had been… completely normal all day.

  So normal that it was as though nothing had happened last night. As though Declan’s life hadn’t changed forever over the last few days.

  Which was weird, and Declan had no idea what to do about that.

  He knew what he wanted. His fingers itched to reach out and touch Ash, put his hands on his shoulders, or hold him around the waist and kiss his neck. Anything to get back that brief taste of closeness they’d had last night.

  Declan was sure Ash had stayed with him. He’d only woken once or twice during the night, and only for a handful of seconds before going back to sleep, but Ash had been there.

  He’d just been gone when Declan was finally awake enough to say something.

  And now he had no idea what to say, or how to start the conversation, or whether Ash maybe regretted what they’d done and was pretending it hadn’t happened.

  Just the thought of that was enough to make Declan’s heart hurt. He’d never felt like he did last night before. Never felt so intensely close to another person.

  It was all so new, and he didn’t know what it meant, and he didn’t know how they were supposed to move forward from here. He felt as though he’d stepped out onto a patch of ice and hadn’t quite regained his balance yet.

  “I’d offer you a penny for your thoughts, but I think I’d be short-changing you,” Ash said, startling Declan.

  He realized after a moment that he’d been staring at a spot on the wall while he’d been trying to think of some way to start a conversation. At least he could see now that Ash had been in the same spot. It wasn’t the most elegant conversation starter ever, but it’d do.

  “Well, they’re about you, so I think it’s okay if I give you them for free.”

  Ash smiled a tiny smile, taking a step closer to Declan and leaning back against the counter in front of him so they were facing each other, with less than a foot of space between them.

  The knot that had been sitting heavy in Declan’s stomach all morning eased a little. Ash wasn’t avoiding him.

  They’d just both been trying to figure out what to say to each other.

  Declan wet his lips. “Last night was… I… umm.” He paused to clear his throat. “Was last night okay?”

  That wasn’t exactly what he’d intended to say, but he was dying to know the answer. Ash had definitely seemed happy at the time, but things sometimes changed in the cold light of day.

  Ash laughed a soft, warm laugh that made the hairs on the back of Declan’s neck tingle. He’d always liked that sound, but he had a renewed appreciation for it now.

  Everything he liked about Ash suddenly seemed a thousand times more wonderful. He wanted to bottle this feeling and keep it forever. It was like seeing Ash for the first time all over again, except that this time he was older, and wiser, and not nearly as afraid to look.

  “You were great, don’t worry. I’d definitely go back for a third round, if that’s something you want.”

  Declan nodded, his cheeks burning. That was what he wanted to know, but he wasn’t used to this. He wasn’t used to caring so much about whether someone was still interested in him.

  Because up until now, he’d never been particularly interested in anyone.

  They’d had sex now, so if it was just some kind of weird sexual tension between two people who’d been through a lot together lately, then that should have eased it.

  It hadn’t. Not on Declan’s side, anyway. All it had done was left him craving more.

  Not even more sex. Just more of Ash, everything he was willing to give, whatever that happened to be.

  “It… I… yeah,” Declan said. He was still struggling to find the words for what he wanted to say.

  Hell, he was still struggling to figure out the basic concepts he was trying to get across.

  “For the record, you’re extremely cute when you’re flustered,” Ash said. “And it feels like a huge compliment, because I’ve never seen you like this.”

  Declan shrugged. “Things have changed.”

  That was less terrifying now that he knew they were at least capable of talking about this. He wasn’t ready to pour out all of his feelings, especially since he wasn’t sure what they were, but as long as he and Ash were still cool, he was happy.

  “Yeah,” Ash said softly. “Not for the worse, I hope?”

  “Not for the worse,” Declan agreed. “I’m just… a little overwhelmed. Not in a bad way.”

  Ash smiled again. “I understand, believe me. But we’re okay, aren’t we?”

  Declan laughed, a little more of the tension he’d been carrying easing off as he did so. Ash was worried, too. Worried about where they stood with each other now.

  He didn’t have a definitive answer for that, but he knew they were okay. That while things had changed, neither of them regretted it. Declan could hear that in Ash’s voice, and it made his heart soar.

  Maybe they could have this, whatever this was.

  “We’re okay,” Declan said. “I missed you this morning.”

  “I desperately needed a shower and I didn’t want to wake you,” Ash said. “And I wasn’t sure how you were going to react, so I wanted you to have some space.”

  That second part felt closer to the truth than the first one, though it wasn’t so hard to believe that Ash was a considerate lover.

  Wow.

  Lover.

  What a weird word to describe his best friend with, even in his head.

  Weird, but not bad. Not bad at all.

  “I’m fine,” Declan said. “No gay panic or anything.”

  “It’s probably a little easier not to panic when everyone in town already thinks you’re gay,” Ash said.

  Declan paused, turning that thought over in his head.

  That was it, wasn’t it? Everyone already thought he was with Ash. Moving here had put him in a position where he didn’t have anything to lose by giving in to feelings he’d probably been locking down for years.

  The lie they’d told in the beginning had set him free.

  Declan was realizing now that only part of it had been a lie.

  He wondered, just for a second, if Marv had known something he didn’t. He remembered talking to him about Ash. He remembered talking to everyone about Ash, since when they first met, Ash had been the coolest person Declan had ever known.

  He still was, but for different reasons now.

  It wasn’t impossible that it would have sounded like he had a crush on him.

  Declan was just starting to realize that it wasn’t impossible that he had had a crush on him, and he hadn’t had the life experience to figure it out back then.

  He’d always been straight. Except that he pretty clearly wasn’t. Not when it came to Ash, anyway.

  “I guess,” Declan said belatedly. “I’m sorry I keep zoning out, this is just… it’s a lot.”

  Ash nodded. “I know. Believe me, I know. I figure we could both use a little space to work through some of it. I mean, in the sense that I’m not all over you right now because I think that’s better for both of us. Not because I don’t want to be.”

  “Yeah, I… would like to touch you ri
ght now,” Declan said. “But I get it.”

  To Declan’s surprise, Ash reached out and took his hand, linking their fingers together. Declan’s heart pounded in his chest at the contact, something inside him easing as he felt Ash’s skin against his own.

  This was enough. This was exactly what he needed.

  “I think we can stretch to touching.” Ash said, squeezing Declan’s hand lightly.

  “Good,” Declan murmured, brushing his thumb over the back of Ash’s hand.

  Why had he never done this before? There was so much simple joy in just barely touching Ash.

  He knew why, but he was kicking himself for it. They had a whole lot of lost time to make up for.

  “I like this,” Declan said after a moment. “Just… touching you.”

  Right as he finished saying that, the door opened, the bell over it chiming as always. Declan let go of Ash’s hand automatically, only realizing once he’d done it that it was completely fine if he got caught holding hands with his husband.

  People probably expected them to hold hands from time to time.

  He opened his mouth to say sorry, but Ash beat him to it with the gentlest touch of his fingers against Declan’s elbow.

  “It’s okay,” he said softly.

  Declan nodded, glad that Ash wasn’t insulted by his reaction. This was new for both of them, but Ash had always understood him.

  Better than Declan understood himself, most of the time. This was all so new, and even though he trusted Ash, he was still terrified. He didn’t know yet if he wanted to go down this road for real, even if he’d been faking it for just shy of a month now.

  Well, two weeks, really. The two weeks they’d still been in Denver for, he hadn’t seen much of Ash at all.

  And then when he’d seen him again… it was like seeing him for the first time. Declan remembered that. The joy he’d felt at the idea of running away with Ash.

  That had to mean something, but he didn’t know what yet.

  Hopefully, Ash’s patience with him would hold until he figured it out.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  As soon as Ash had seen a legal-looking envelope with his and Declan’s name on it, his stomach sank.

  Divorce papers. He didn’t even have to open it to know what they were.

  There was also a letter from the legal firm, Fletcher and Williams, addressed to Declan.

  Confirmation that he’d fulfilled the conditions of his great uncle’s will.

  Ash tore open the letter addressed to both of them, his stomach in knots. They were definitely divorce papers, neatly pre-filled by the company Declan had found to make it as mess-free as possible.

  All they needed was a signature from each of them.

  Ash ran his finger along the line where he was supposed to sign, biting his lip.

  He didn’t want a divorce, but Declan did. Declan had started the process on the day they’d gotten married. This was never supposed to work out in the long term.

  Recent events probably didn’t change that. Ash had slept with a lot of people he hadn’t ended up married to.

  Declan was different, but only to Ash. This had been an experiment for him, and now he had the world’s most definitive way out of it.

  Not that Ash wanted to stay married to him if that wasn’t what Declan wanted. And why would he? He had what they came for.

  He was paying Ash to do this. They weren’t like partners at all. Declan was employing him.

  And Ash had let himself get caught up in the fantasy until reality had sent him a harsh slap by way of USPS.

  Footsteps told him Declan was up.

  He cleared his throat, forcing himself not to tear up by taking deep breaths. He wasn’t going to cry about this. Wasn’t going to guilt Declan into keeping him just because they’d had a little fun.

  No one else had ever wanted to keep him. Why should Declan?

  “Mail, for you and for both of us,” Ash said, shoving the papers over to Declan’s side of the tiny kitchen table with more force than was probably necessary.

  “Divorce papers,” Declan said.

  Ash searched his face for any hint that he might not want to sign them, but he was too close to this to really read Declan. He’d have to rely on what he did.

  “And what I assume is confirmation that the store is yours now,” Ash said. “I’ll sign the papers.”

  “Oh,” Declan said. “There’s no rush. It’s not like divorces are in limited supply or anything, and it’ll take ninety days anyway.”

  “I don’t want you stuck with me any longer than you have to be,” Ash said.

  It was cruel. It was a cruel thing to say about himself, and a cruel thing to imply Declan would think. He knew that as soon as the words were out.

  All the same, Declan wasn’t exactly rushing to reassure him that he wasn’t stuck with him, or that he wanted Ash to stick around.

  He’d been trying to learn how to run the place. Ash had taught him everything he knew.

  It wasn’t until now that it occurred to him that it was so Declan could do it without him.

  Which was stupid, because he’d known this was temporary. Declan had said so a million times in the beginning.

  That was probably why he’d felt so safe experimenting with Ash. Even if it went wrong and ruined their friendship, he knew Ash was leaving.

  “Oh, well… if that’s how you feel, then…” Declan shrugged. “There’s still no rush. Nothing’s official until the papers are filed.”

  “If you wanna sign them now, I can file them this afternoon,” Ash offered.

  Maybe it would be kinder to just give Declan the divorce he’d wanted since the beginning and forget about it.

  Declan would still always be his friend. Ash had never known a better person.

  But maybe it was finally time to move on, like he’d been telling himself he needed to for years. He’d never be happy clinging to a man who didn’t love him.

  “Uh… I need to go to the grocery store first,” Declan said, heading into the hall to grab his coat. “You want anything?”

  “No,” Ash said.

  He wanted lots of things, but Owen didn’t stock any of them.

  “Okay. I’ll be back before we open, promise.”

  Ash listened to Declan head down the stairs, every footfall echoing in the otherwise silent house.

  No, home.

  This had been Ash’s home, with Declan, and now he was about to lose all of it.

  He should have known better than to get his hopes up.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Declan’s heart pounded in his chest as he made the walk from the bookstore to the grocery store, his stomach tied up in knots.

  Ash was divorcing him.

  He’d known that was going to happen. Hell, he was the one who’d sent for the papers, but…

  That was before. Before everything that had happened last week.

  Ash had seemed like he was ready to go ahead, and maybe he didn’t want to be tied to Declan forever.

  No one else had, so it made sense that Ash wouldn’t, either.

  The thought of losing what they had right now still made Declan feel sick. He couldn’t do any of this without Ash. Ash had tried to teach him, but he couldn’t match years and years of experience.

  And even if he could, he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to be without Ash. He wanted…

  He wanted to be with Ash. Physically and emotionally.

  He loved Ash.

  He was in love with Ash.

  That was why the thought of losing him hurt so much.

  “Declan?”

  Declan looked up at the familiar voice, staring as Charlie approached him.

  “Uh, hey,” he said, his voice thick. He was about to burst into tears in a grocery store.

  He should have said something before he left, but he hadn’t known what to say then.

  He still didn’t know what to say now.

  “You look upset,” Charlie said.
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  Obviously, Declan wasn’t doing a great job of hiding the fact that his whole world was coming crumbling down around him.

  “I’m fine,” Declan responded, but he had trouble even getting the words out. Charlie didn’t look convinced.

  “We can go into Owen’s office. Perks of being related to half the town,” Charlie offered, nodding to a door off to the side.

  Declan looked between Charlie and the door, biting his lip. He really didn’t want to cry in the middle of a grocery store. He couldn’t ever remember crying in public, and he really didn’t want to start now.

  For the last few years, he’d been too exhausted to cry even when he’d wanted to. Hope Springs had made everything feel brighter, more vibrant.

  That went for emotions, too. Everything felt so much bigger here, so much more alive.

  Most of it was good. This, less so.

  “Don’t you have things to do?” Declan asked. He didn’t want to keep Charlie from whatever he was doing this morning.

  “I always have time for a friend,” Charlie said, taking Declan’s elbow and steering him toward the office. “This way we can steal the Girl Scout cookies Owen keeps in his desk drawer.”

  Despite his mood, Declan barked a laugh at that. Charlie was a good friend, and he and Ash were both lucky to have him.

  Charlie sat him down on the worn-out couch in Owen’s office, offering him a Thin Mint as he shoved one in his own mouth. Declan took it, his fingers trembling as he reached out.

  He wasn’t okay, and he couldn’t even pretend to be right now.

  Charlie sat down on the desk opposite him, and waited. Waited for Declan to say whatever he was going to say.

  “Ash and I got married because of Marv’s will, not because we were really together,” he said.

  It didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter if everyone knew his secret, not if he lost Ash.

  “I know,” Charlie said gently. “Please don’t be mad at Ash for telling me. He needed someone to talk to.”

  Declan smiled wryly. Charlie was an even better friend than he’d thought.

  “I love him,” Declan said.