“She has a light that doesn’t need to be hidden in this house.” He leaned back in his chair and stared at the papers on his desk.
“Then go out with her. You’re an adult. It’s time to shrug off those old memories and make new ones.”
Rowan lifted his gaze, but his uncle was already gone. Shrug off old memories. It had taken years to get over his so-called friends’ betrayal. Or what felt like betrayal at the time. In truth, he wasn’t sure he would have behaved any different. Maybe it was time to forgive, let go of the past, and stop letting it control his future. It was also easier said than done, and he wasn’t sure he could.
Chapter 11
“This was the best idea. Thank you for having a picnic with me,” Izzy said as she popped a grape into her mouth. “Even though it’s your birthday, I feel like the one who got the gift.”
“No.” With his head in his hand as he reclined on his side, he smiled. “I may have had the idea, but I’m the one who should be thanking you. Thank you for the cupcake.”
She couldn’t put her finger on it, but something about him had changed since lunch. He seemed so much more relaxed. It was a good look for him too. He smiled more. Laughed more. Both of which she enjoyed.
“Retta and I just ran to the bakery and got one. You had to have something. Did you like it?”
“It was very good.” He smiled.
Oh, those lips and that smile. All afternoon, her mind had been occupied with thoughts of kissing him, which she’d nearly done. He was looking up at her at lunch with those chocolate eyes, and never had she been so tempted to kiss someone in her life. She’d kissed him at their wedding, but that had been for the minister. What would it be like to really kiss him? No one but the two of them? Would there be fireworks and tingles?
“By the way, you look lovely tonight,” he said.
Their earlier conversation came to mind, and she couldn’t stop the smile from stretching across her lips. No one had ever called her lovely and made her blush like Rowan. There was something in the way he said it. The lilt of his voice, the way he looked at her. When he said it, it wrapped around her heart and made her want to be closer to him.
She touched her cheek. “I think you just like making me blush.”
He chuckled. “That is a delightful side effect.”
“Charmer.” About a foot away, she lay on her side, mirroring him. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”
“What’s that?”
“I’ve been all over this house, and I haven’t seen any workout equipment. I know you do, because you’re so fit, so where is it hiding?” All those muscles coupled with his sweet nature…that’s why she felt safe with him. He’d use his strength to protect her.
“After my father died, I had the second floor on the east wing remodeled. The entire floor on that side is my room, and the equipment is in there.”
She lifted on her elbow. “That makes sense. Do you work out in the morning before you come downstairs?”
He nodded. “Yes, it started as a way to stretch my body after the accident. Now it’s a way of working out frustration or waking me up.”
“I can see that. Did you have a lot of physical therapy after your accident?”
“About six months with a therapist and another six months of following the directions for exercises she left. Mostly it was to keep me active because I was depressed.” He cast his gaze down like there was shame in being depressed.
She scooted closer. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Depression is common after a life-altering event. My friend Kelsey is a psychologist. I wasn’t her patient, but we did talk a lot after I got out of the hospital.”
He lifted his gaze back to hers. “Was she already living in Dallas when you went into the hospital?”
Izzy nodded. They’d thought Steven was finally locked up. It had been a year of being paranoid, frightened, and isolated. “Yeah, I got sick after she moved here. When she found out what happened, she flew in and stayed with me.”
“And you moved here after you were released?”
“Yes, I couldn’t live in Portland anymore. Kelsey insisted I move in with her. It was good for me, having someone to talk to.” Plus, the move had helped her with healing. Knowing Steven was in Oregon and she was in Dallas helped with her peace of mind. And she’d kept her whereabouts from everyone except the DA so Steven couldn’t find her.
He rolled onto his back. “I bet it was. I had my father, Retta, and Ulysses, but I was so angry with the world. I wanted to die, and more than once, I tried.”
She sat up and moved closer, turning to face him as she leaned over him, bracing her hand in the grass. “That breaks my heart, but I understand. I’m sure it was hard to adjust to a new normal.”
“I didn’t know how I was supposed to live like this. The people I called friends couldn’t even stand to look at me. What were other people supposed to think? I was alone, and for months, I was in excruciating pain. I can’t begin to describe that.”
“I’m sure you were. I worked with a few burn patients. A little girl, and an elderly man who’d accidentally set his kitchen on fire.” She started to touch his cheek and pulled back. If they were going to make a friendship work, he needed to want to let her in. Forcing it wouldn’t work long term, and she didn’t want him to become frustrated with her.
He took her hand and pressed the palm against the side of his face. “I’ve never done this before, but you don’t seem to mind.” His eyes slid closed as she moved her fingertips across his skin.
Izzy smiled. “I don’t.”
“I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to understand why.”
“There are some things that remain a mystery in life.” She laughed and slipped her fingers into his hair. He had to have the softest hair she’d ever touched. The temptation to kiss him hit, and it was even stronger now than it was at lunch. Every interaction with him was creating a need to be even closer.
His eyes popped open. “You are that.”
“I’m really not.” She smiled.
“I did tell you that you look lovely tonight, right?”
She nodded. “Yes, you did.”
“I guess it needed to be said a second time.”
How was she going to keep her lips to herself when he was being so sweet and vulnerable? Especially when she was so close. She should move away, take things down a step, but he was a magnet so powerful she couldn’t resist the pull.
In an instant, the air felt thick, and it was as if they were the only two people on earth. Her blood was rushing in her ears as her heart raced faster. Before she knew what she was doing, she leaned in and said, “Stay still and don’t move, okay?”
His eyebrows knitted together. “Is something wrong?”
Izzy shook her head as she gathered her courage. Nothing was wrong. For the first time in as long she could remember, she was falling for someone, and not just any someone. A sweet man with a gentle spirit who was looking up at her with an irresistible pair of lips.
She threaded her fingers through his hair and lowered her lips to his, brushing hers across his in a feathery touch. His lips were sweet and soft, and it was bliss wrapped in heaven.
This time it wasn’t for show, and the fireworks were just as colorful as the first time. Twice more, she brushed her lips across his, and with the last, she nipped at his bottom lip and deepened the kiss. She had no idea how long they kissed, but when she pulled back, her lips felt bruised. It was a good feeling too.
“I—” she began.
He shook his head, and she had to lean back as he sat up. “No, I think…I think I need to go.”
What? But he kissed her back. “You kissed me back, right?”
“I did, and I shouldn’t have. I’ve made things confusing. I can’t be more than friends with you, Isabeau,” he said and stood. “I’m sorry.” Then he walked away so fast he was nearly a blur.
She didn’t think she wanted to be more than friends either, but with the way h
er heart was aching, it hadn’t received the message. And, oh, how she hurt. She’d kissed him, and he didn’t want her. He’d rejected her without even knowing her past. What would he do if he found out? Tears pooled in her eyes, and she touched her fingers to her lips.
Izzy slowly gathered the picnic items and put them in the basket. As she walked back to the house, she decided she’d apologize. She didn’t want to cause problems or make things awkward. They were adults and could talk about what happened after they had a moment to think. He’d understand, right? That she’d made a mistake, and that it was okay. She wouldn’t kiss him again.
When she reached the kitchen, Retta stood at the sink and turned as she entered. “Well, hello. How was the picnic?”
Izzy slid onto a stool as she put the basket on the island. “I think I may have made a mistake.”
Retta picked up a dish towel and dried her hands. “What kind of mistake?”
Izzy’s cheeks heated. “I’m embarrassed.”
“Whatever you say will stay between us.” Retta reached across the island and patted Izzy’s hand. “I promise.”
“I…I kissed Rowan.”
Retta grinned. “You did? That’s nothing bad. He’s a sweet man.”
Izzy nodded. “He is, but I think I read things wrong. He said he can only be friends with me and that we shouldn’t have kissed. I didn’t mean to mess things up. I really like him, and I guess I got caught up in the moment.”
“He said you shouldn’t have kissed?”
She nodded. “But I’ll just talk to him, and I’m sure it’ll be fine. I can apologize and assure him it’ll never happen again. You think that’ll fix it?”
Retta nodded as her eyebrows knitted together. “I’m sure it will. He was probably caught off guard, and once he has a moment to think it through, he’ll be more than happy to accept your apology.”
Hearing that made her feel better. She didn’t want to lose her budding friendship with Rowan. She wasn’t sure if she wanted more than that, but not being around him at all made her ache in ways she didn’t think were possible. “That’s good to know.”
“Sure, and I got the chamomile tea you asked for.” Retta pointed to a cabinet above the sink. “There’s a huge stash in there, and you’re free to drink as much as you need.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Are you sleeping any better?”
Izzy shook her head. “No, but the tea helps.” That wasn’t entirely true. Mostly it was something warm to drink when she woke up in the middle of the night.
“Well, if you need anything else, let me know. I don’t mind.”
“Thank you, and thank you for the picnic. The food was wonderful.”
Retta smiled. “You’re welcome, my sweet girl.”
With one last goodnight, Izzy slowly made her way to the stairs, pausing when she got to the top landing to glance to her left. Part of her was tempted to go to Rowan and fix what she’d broken right that minute. The other part, the one that propelled her feet in the direction of her room, knew he needed a moment.
Izzy hugged herself as she went to her room and slipped inside. It was still so big and cold. Most women would have loved how big and spacious the room was, but it made her feel tiny and alone.
She walked to the bed and dropped onto it. She should change, but she was emotionally drained and tired. Why had she kissed him? If she’d just kept her lips to herself, they’d probably still be in the garden talking. She’d messed things up so badly. Why did she have to do that? What made her think he wanted her anyway? Just because he was charming? He’d been kind to her, and she’d abused it. She knew what that felt like. How could she have done that to another person?
Hugging herself tighter, she curled into a ball and let the tears flow. She’d managed to break the one good thing she’d found since her ordeal with Steven. But Retta was optimistic that he’d be okay with time, so she’d cling to that hope. She and Rowan would be okay, and at the moment, that meant everything to her.
Chapter 12
The door of Rowan’s office opened, and he looked up. “Retta?” It was past the time that she should have gone home, so he was shocked she was still in the house.
“I’ve waited more than a month, hoping and praying you’d come to your senses and talk to Izzy.” Retta stood statuesque at the door with her chin in the air. By her stance, he could tell he was in trouble.
He hadn’t meant to avoid her for so long, but in the days following their picnic, he’d been so out of sorts that he couldn’t speak to her. Then a week turned into two and two into a month. It had been difficult to stay away from her at the beginning, but he’d decided in the last week that it was for the best. They’d both be better off if they stayed away from each other.
Rowan leaned back in his chair. “I know, but I’m sure she’s fine. She has the run of the house, a large room to call her own, and enough spending money that she could shop until she quite literally dropped.”
Retta stomped over to him and took him by the ear.
“OW! What are you doing?” She hadn’t done that to him in years.
“I’ve been hoping you’d speak to her on your own, but I’ve waited all I’m going to.”
He tried to pull away, and Retta gripped his ear tighter. “Retta, you haven’t done this to me since I was ten.”
“Then you’re about due for it!” She pinched his ear a little harder. “You are not behaving like the man I raised. You don’t treat a woman like this.” She let his ear go and crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you have any idea how badly you hurt that sweet girl?”
Rowan knew, but it was better to have a little hurt now than a lot of hurt later. He stood as he rubbed his ear and walked to the couch. “It’s for the best. It keeps us both safe.”
“Safe? There’s no such thing as safe.”
“She’s leaving in less than eleven months. It’s one thing to know you’ll live your life alone. That’s hard enough, but to know what it’s like to be cared for and feel connected to someone…I won’t survive that. I barely survived after the accident.”
Retta uncrossed her arms and took his face in her hands. “She kissed you, Rowan. That doesn’t say leaving. Why do you assume she will?”
He nearly laughed. The absurdity. “Because she will. And if she doesn’t, she should. If I care at all about her, I won’t let her be tied down to someone like me. She needs to be on the arm of someone who can take her places and experience the world with her. That can’t be me.”
She dropped her hands. “Have you seen her recently? Even bothered to check in to see if she’s okay?”
He shook his head and whispered, “No.” He didn’t have the courage to do that. She’d kissed him, and he’d run like a coward.
“Rowan, that young woman is haunted by something. She was already having difficulty sleeping, but since that picnic, it’s gotten worse. I’ve been buying her chamomile tea, and she’s drinking it like it’s water, and yet…Well, you’ll have to gather some courage and see for yourself. The young woman who was full of life is not so full of life anymore.”
“It’s probably that she hasn’t adjusted to living here yet. It’s only been five weeks.” But even as he said it, he knew that wasn’t true. She’d allowed herself to be vulnerable, and he’d thrown her away.
“Something is troubling that sweet girl, but if that’s what you want to convince yourself of, then there’s nothing more I can do. Izzy is not doing well. And if you are half the man I think you are, you’ll figure out how to fix this sooner than later.” She turned slightly and then faced him again. “What happened to the kind-hearted, gentle soul I raised?”
Rowan clenched his jaw tight. “He was burned up in an accident,” he ground out.
“That’s not true. I’ve seen your sweet spirit since then. You’re choosing to cut yourself off. You think doing so will save you pain. Is it? Do you feel safer holed up in your office with your walls and excuses?”
H
e turned away from her and walked to the chair behind his desk. “I have work to do, Retta. I don’t have time for a discussion of this nature.”
She crossed the room to the door. “I’ve never been so ashamed of you in my life, and I’m not the only one who would be ashamed, either.”
He’d never heard those words from her before. Harsh words, sure, but never that she was ashamed of him. “Retta?”
She kept her back to him and held up her hand. “Save your words. You look like my Rowan. Talk like my Rowan. But you…who…whatever you are…are not my Rowan. When you find him, let me know.”
In stunned silence, he watched her leave his office. Retta wasn’t one to play nice when things needed to be said. She’d tell him what he needed to hear, but she’d never spoken to him like that before. He’d disappointed her in the past. He knew that. But this felt like more than that. As if he’d somehow shown the world she was a bad parent, and he hated that she might think that way.
Yes, he’d hurt Isabeau, and at first, that hadn’t been what he’d meant to do. He’d liked that kiss. He’d wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her so badly that it hurt, but he also knew that he didn’t want to hurt her. Keeping her tied to him was selfish.
It was better this way. Isabeau might have a few sleepless nights in the short term, but long term, she’d be better off. Still, the idea that she wasn’t sleeping well and that it appeared she was haunted by something did grip him. Someone had hurt her, and it made him wonder if that was keeping her restless. He’d wanted to gain her trust enough that she’d confide in him. How exactly was he supposed to do that when he’d thrown her away? And avoiding her wasn’t going to win him confidence points either.
He raked his hand through his hair. What a mess he’d made, and all because he was…terrified. That was the right word. She’d kissed him, and he’d panicked. Why, though? He’d debated the answer to that question since the night of the picnic. The only conclusion he’d come to was that he was falling for her, and that scared him even more than the kiss.
The Beast’s Fake Marriage Page 8
