Isabeau deserved better from him. He could be friends with her, and he would despite the pain it would cause. Now that he had a taste of what being with her was like, there was no amount of staying away that would dull that ache when she left.
Rowan stood and strode out of his office, and as his foot touched the top step, he heard a crash come from the kitchen. He hurried through the house and slid to a stop just inside. Isabeau was on the floor, surrounded by shards of a broken cup.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
She lifted her gaze to his, and his breath caught. Her eyes were covered with such dark circles that it looked like she’d been in a fight. “I’m fine. Go back to your office. I’m sure you have plenty of work to keep you busy.”
He squatted down. “Let me help you up.” He reached for her, and she shrank back.
“I don’t want your help. I was stupid to think I could trust you.” Casting her gaze to the floor, she rubbed her nose with the back of her hand and sniffed. “The first person I’d trusted since I was attacked, and you’ve avoided me for a month. Serves me right.”
Attacked? “What do you mean ‘attacked’?”
“I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s not like you want anything to do with me anyway.”
Oh, Retta was right. He’d hurt her deeply. More so than he could have imagined. “I promise I will be your friend.”
She lifted her gaze to his again. “And your promises mean what, exactly? So far, your word means nothing, so your promises don’t hold a lot of value. I’m sorry I kissed you. If you had just let me apologize…but you threw me away without even speaking to me.”
The knives she threw were hitting him square in the heart. “I know, and I deserve that. I should have spoken to you, and I was a coward. I treated you horribly, and I can’t promise I won’t be stupid again. I won’t do it on purpose, though. I can give you my word on that.”
“Why wouldn’t you just talk to me?”
He hung his head. Retta wasn’t the only one ashamed of him now. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t know how, and before I knew it, a month had passed.”
Isabeau pushed off the floor and grabbed the counter. “I think I’ll go back to bed. I’ll see you…whenever.”
Rowan quickly straightened and caught her just as her knees buckled. “I don’t think you can make it to your room on your own.”
“I can.” She tried to pull away and nearly fell again.
“Isabeau, please let me help you.”
She pointed her face up at him, and his chest tightened as her eyes locked with his. “I hate that I feel safe with you. You hurt me, and yet I do. Something I haven’t felt with anyone in such a long time. It’s not fair,” she said as her eyes turned glassy.
His heart was breaking. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.” He slipped his arm under her knees and lifted her into his arms. “You need some rest, and then we’ll talk.”
“You smell so good, and you’re so warm.” She took a deep breath and circled her arms around his neck. “I really like you. I just wish you’d stop being such a jerk.”
He couldn’t stop himself from smiling, even if it did seem wrong. “I will do my best to refrain from being a jerk.”
Isabeau yawned. “You should do that.”
Rowan chuckled, and instead of responding, he took her to her room. As he began to lay her on the bed, she tightened her arms around his neck. “No. No, please don’t leave me in here alone. Please.”
He scooped her back up and sat on the bed with his back against the headboard and her in his lap. “I’ll stay until you ask me to leave.”
Her body relaxed in arms and slid down until he was cradling her. “You’ll be here a while.” She gave him a small smile.
With a yank, he pulled a blanket from the bed and wrapped it around her. “That’s okay. I have a big blunder to make up for.”
She nodded as she sighed. “That’s true. You owe me another picnic too.”
Rowan chuckled. “I do?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I promise we will have another picnic.”
She slid her hand up his chest and curled a lock of his hair around her finger. “I’ll hold you to that.”
“I am so sorry I hurt you. It was wrong, and I can’t tell you how much I regret it.”
“This house is very big and empty. I like Retta and Ulysses, but they aren’t you. I’ve missed you.” She brushed the back of her hand along his cheek. “I’ve missed all of you.”
How did she do that? What was even crazier was that he knew she was being sincere. He could see it in her eyes, and she was too exhausted to hide anything from him. She was walking sunshine. Pure and crisp and bright enough to reach every dark corner.
He cupped her cheek. “To be honest, I’ve more than missed you. Things are much more boring when you aren’t around.”
Her eyes slid closed, and she went limp.
Rowan’s gaze roamed over her face, moving from one cute freckle to the next. He’d made promises he had to keep, and he knew it would rip him to pieces later on. But he’d made them, and he intended to keep them. He was going to go down in a blaze, and this time, he’d be a charred mess when the wreckage was cleared, with no hope of recovery.
Chapter 13
Pushing against the wall, Izzy opened her eyes to find that it was Rowan’s chest her hand was resting on. When had he come into her room, and why was he holding her? He’d been avoiding her for weeks. Every time she’d tried to speak to him to apologize, he’d sent her away, until she’d eventually given up.
“Rowan?”
He blinked awake. “Hi. Are you okay?”
“Why are you here?”
“I found you in the kitchen last night after you broke a cup. You were exhausted, so I brought you to your room. When I tried to leave, you asked me to stay.”
She’d done that? “I don’t remember. I don’t even remember going to the kitchen.”
“You couldn’t even stand. You nearly fell twice, which is why I brought you to your room.”
“Most of the last few days are hazy. I haven’t had this much trouble sleeping in a while. I have nightmares most nights, but they’ve been worse lately.” She yawned. “It feels like I haven’t slept at all.”
“There’s nothing saying you can’t go back to sleep.”
“Why did you stay?”
“I told you. You asked me to.”
She sat up. “But it makes no sense. You’ve avoided me.”
He nodded. “I know, and it was wrong.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me? You wouldn’t let me apologize. I’m sorry I kissed you. I won’t do it again. I promise.” Stupid tears. She swiped at them and looked away. It was silly to be so weepy.
He took her chin and made her look at him. “I can’t express how truly sorry I am that I hurt you. If I could take it back, I would, but I can’t. All I have is my apology. You’re the first person to get this close to me in a long time, and that’s not easy for me. I took my insecurities out on you.”
“You could have just said that. I would have—I do understand.”
“I should have, but hindsight seems less blurry.”
She laid her head against his chest, hugged him, and breathed him in. “I’ve missed you.”
He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her to him. “I’ve missed you too.”
“You have my word that I won’t try to kiss or be more than friends with you.” She sat up and caught his gaze. “I promise.”
“That’s—”
“No, you’re probably right. It’s better that we stay friends,” she said as her heart broke. It was true, but apparently, her heart wasn’t in sync with her head.
For a moment, she wondered if he looked as though he’d disagree, but then he nodded. “My thoughts exactly.”
Friends. It had been a great word when she first met him. Now it felt like a noose. Did she want more than friendship? She didn’t know, not when it was so easy for him to hurt h
er time after time, but knowing there was no chance for anything more made her stomach turn.
She palmed her forehead and closed her eyes. “I don’t feel good. I don’t think I’m sick, just tired, and my head hurts.”
“How about I bring up some hot tea and something for your head? Maybe a little toast or something?”
“And you’ll stay with me?”
He nodded. “I’m yours for as long as you want me.”
Forever, screamed a little voice in the back of her mind, but Izzy quickly shut it down. She knew what it felt like to have someone pushing themselves on her. She wasn’t going to do that to Rowan. He was comfortable with friendship, so that’s what he’d get.
She forced a smile. “At least for the day since I haven’t seen you in so long. Will it take too much time away from your work?”
“No, it’ll be fine,” he said and slid her out of his lap and onto the bed. “I’ll be right back. Will you be okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
She waited until he left the room and curled onto her side with her back facing the door. At least he was talking to her. She’d given up hope that he’d ever speak to her again. Whatever brought the change, she was grateful. It wasn’t until she’d woken up in his arms that she realized how much she missed him.
It was disconcerting to know that she had no memory of the night before, but not completely shocking. Her nightmares were awful as of late. They’d cycle through with one where Steven hurt Rowan, one where Rowan wanted nothing to do with her and Steven would laugh like he’d known all along that no one would want her, and the worst one was Steven finding her and finishing what he started while Rowan wasn’t able to help her or stop him.
They were enough to wake her up and keep her from sleeping the rest of the night. Of course, she’d catch little naps during the day, but they weren’t enough to make up for the restless, sleepless nights.
But Rowan had found her the night before, and she’d slept until daylight was pouring through the window. It had been peaceful and pleasant, and there had been no nightmares.
She pulled the collar of her shirt to her nose and closed her eyes as the faint hint of his cologne filled her senses. It was him. She knew there was safety with him, but to sleep through the night? It was a gift.
“Isabeau?”
She sat up and blinked. “I think I drifted back to sleep.”
“I wouldn’t have woken you, but you said your head was hurting. My mother’s headaches would leave her bedbound if she didn’t take something as soon as they started.”
“Thank you.”
Rowan walked to the window and closed the curtains. He picked up a chair and brought it to the bed. “Do you want to sit here or stay where you are?”
What she wanted to say was any distance from him was too much, but instead, she said, “I’ll just stay here.”
The tray he’d brought up was filled with fruit and toast. Although, she wasn’t hungry. The awkwardness hanging in the air made what little hunger she had disappear.
Rowan sat in the chair and picked up the teapot. “Did you still want tea?”
“No, just a little water.”
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
She shook her head. Before she could stop herself, words poured off her tongue so quickly she didn’t know how to stop them. “I’ve broken this, and I don’t know how to fix it. I liked how easy it was to be around you, and now I don’t know my place. I did something I never thought I’d do.” She put her hand over her mouth as tears spilled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry I pushed myself on you. I should have been more considerate.”
He set the teapot down and sat beside her. “No, Isabeau. I broke this when I avoided you.” He took her hand and pressed it against his face. “You haven’t pushed yourself on me, and your place hasn’t changed. Everything is fine. I promise you. And I will try to be better about communicating in the future. All of this was my inability to behave like an adult.”
“You’re sure?”
Rowan pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her head. “I’m positive. Please don’t cry anymore.”
“I’m a little pathetic, huh?”
“No, you’re lovely and full of sunshine.”
He was being nice, and she knew it. She could feel the bags under her eyes, and her hair was a mess. All of her was a mess, physically and emotionally. “I don’t think that applies right now.”
“It applies to you all the time.”
She curled into him and closed her eyes. “I think you’re just being nice.”
“We both know I’m not nice. I’m grouchy and grumpy, so if I say it, it must be true.”
Izzy leaned back. “It’s probably cold by now, but I’ll take some of that tea and some toast.”
He pushed her hair back from her face. “Of course, and if it’s cold, I’ll go heat it up, and we’ll try again.”
“Okay.” She needed to get herself together before he decided she was too big of a basket case to deal with, and she was now certain she couldn’t tell him about Steven. She’d keep her secrets packed away, and when she left at the end of the year, she’d take them with her.
In a way, it made her sad. She’d liked the idea of getting to know him well enough to tell him what happened. Kelsey was the only one she’d talked to about it. Well, other than police and hospital staff. But that was different. Sharing it with Rowan had an appeal because she knew he’d understand, unlike most.
Now that she wouldn’t be letting him in on that part of her life, it was a letdown. Like watching a birthday cake get dumped on the floor before getting to the table. All that anticipation, and just splat. No cake. No candles. Just a mess to clean up.
And that’s how she felt. She was a mess that needed to be cleaned up, only no one knew how.
Chapter 14
With the push of his foot, Rowan rolled his chair to the window directly behind his desk. He hooked a finger along the edge of the curtain and pulled it back to stare out at the leaves changing color. It was already mid-October, and he’d already been married to Isabeau for over two months.
“I really think…” His uncle’s voice trailed off as Rowan’s thoughts drifted.
As much as he tried concentrating on work, it was becoming increasingly difficult because he was worried about Isabeau.
Some two months ago, she’d kissed him, he’d panicked, and in the process, something in her had been doused. At first after he’d apologized, she seemed fine, but as the following month passed, the sunshine in her had dimmed until it seemed a hollow shell was residing in his home. No matter how much he reassured her that everything was okay, she grew more and more withdrawn. Most of the time, barely looking at him or being near him. She’d even stopped reading.
Her nightmares were better. Of course, that was because he’d taken up sleeping in the chair next to her bed, despite her protests that she was fine being alone in the room. The times he’d relented, he’d come back later to find her tangled in the sheets and screaming. There was no holding her anymore, though. The closer he tried to move, the longer her arm grew.
“And that’s when the sword-wielding frogs stormed Buckingham Palace…”
Rowan looked over his shoulder. “What?”
“You haven’t heard a word I’ve said. Thames is expecting this by tomorrow, and we’re still trying to work through the list of demands from Werner.”
“I’m worried about Isabeau. I’ve tried everything I know to piece back together what I broke. I thought everything was okay once I apologized, but since then…something’s wrong. I’m at my wit’s end, and I’m no closer to repairing it than I was a month ago.”
Ulysses sank into the chair across the desk from Rowan. “Have you told her why you ran?”
“She said she thought it was best if we stay friends. I don’t want to make it any more difficult than it already is, and telling her could push her even further away. I can’t risk it.”
“I understan
d that, but if what you’re doing isn’t working, perhaps being honest with her would help. Do you know why you ran away after she kissed you?”
Rowan glared at his uncle. Retta had shared that detail with Ulysses, and it had been a battle ever since. “Isabeau and I are friends, and I intend to keep us firmly in that category.”
His uncle nodded. “Yes, I can see that, but have you considered that she didn’t want to be friends anymore? A woman doesn’t kiss a man with the intent of remaining friends.”
“It was a mistake. We were talking, and it happened. That’s all.”
With a snort, his uncle stood. “Yes, I’m sure the two of you were talking and her lips just happened to crash into yours. How convenient.”
“Uncle, it’s more complicated than that, and you know it. She’s better off without me. I’ve hidden in this house for twelve years. I’m not the right man for her. I just need to find a way to break through her melancholy. Once I do that, she’ll be back to her old self.”
Ulysses held his gaze. “I’m tired of this argument, so this is the last time I’ll say it. You don’t get to decide if you’re right for her. Only she can do that, and when she kissed you, that was a clue that she didn’t agree with you.”
Rowan shook his head. “No. I’m not even going to let myself go there. She said she agreed that we should be friends. I’ll respect that. She knew she’d made a mistake too.” Only that wasn’t the whole story. She’d said that after thinking she’d done something wrong and before he could correct her.
“Fine. As I said, this is the last time I’ll mention it. But you are a fool, Rowan Masters, if you let this woman get away. I know because I speak from experience,” he said before he strode to the door and left.
Yes, Rowan knew what his uncle meant. He’d let London go and realized he’d made a mistake. Ulysses had called her and begged her to give him one more chance. That’s why Rowan was picking her up. His uncle was going to surprise her with dinner and then propose, but London and Rowan never made it.
There were times when he still found it difficult to look his uncle in the eyes. Were there other routes he could’ve taken that night? What if he’d been paying better attention to the road? Would he have seen that deer sooner? Ulysses said he forgave him, but it had taken years to truly accept that forgiveness.
The Beast’s Fake Marriage Page 9
