Never Been Loved

by C.M. Kars

  “It’s this or an ambulance.” She says, squeezing honey onto her finger. “Open wide.”

  Every cell in my body rebels when she pushes her finger into my mouth.

  Food! That’s food, we’re going to throw up, we’re going to throw up!

  I pull in a breath through my nose and focus on her face. The crinkle between her eyebrows as she’s fully absorbed in rubbing honey on the inside of my cheek. I can see her pulse jumping at the base of her throat, and the way her eyes are staring at me, willing me to get better.

  Well, fuck.

  “Just swallow when you have to, and don’t worry about anything else. Matty, look in my purse for my phone, please? Thanks, buddy.”

  I let her take care of me, swiping honey on the insides of either cheek and my gums. When I’m done, I wrap my fingers around her wrist and mumble, “No more.”

  Even her frown is adorable. “You’re feeling a bit better?” she asks

  It takes me a minute to process her question. I can feel my toes and fingers, and my heart’s all nice and steady in my chest.

  My surroundings don’t look as blurry, her features hitting me full force. She’s absently chewing on her bottom lip, and Jesus Christ - “I thought you would have gone for the glucagon or something.”

  Sera shakes her head like she should’ve known better, then looks at me with a determined look on her face.

  “I knew this would work. Happened to my mom, once. I gave her honey like this ’cause the pack had expired. She was okay after that.” When she frowns, her bottom lip juts out just a little. “Will you let me take your sugar again? I don’t want you moving unless you have to.”

  What the fuck? She took my sugar already? And she didn’t faint at the sight of blood? Stupid, she checked Matty’s yesterday. “Again?”

  “Yeah, I did it before. So I need to do it again. I’m going to need my hand to do that, Hunt.”

  Right, I’m still holding onto her wrist with her honey-covered finger.

  Just a taste, just one and I’ll never ask for more...

  I stare at her face while I tug her closer, bringing her finger closer to my mouth. I suck on her skin, swirling my tongue over it, taking the last drop of honey that doesn’t make me feel like I want to upchuck.

  Fucking shit, I just did that. Yeah, I just did. Maybe she will run away screaming now. She looks away from me instead, even when I pop her finger out of my mouth, and lose the grip I have on her wrist.

  There. I’ve had my taste.

  I let Sera take my sugar again, swabbing my middle finger with alcohol, prepping the lancet and shooting me with a fleeting moment of pain. She doesn’t seem bothered by my blood, or that she has to take my sugar for me. Mom and Aly always made it seem disgusting.

  I should say something. I should say, Thank you for saving my life...again. Will you let me worship you?

  Sera moves away from me, and I lose her warmth at my ribs when Matty barges in. I’m equal parts pissed he interrupted us, and happy that she has another chance to get away.

  “Where are you going, Sera?” Matty asks.

  Sera stops, halfway to my door, shoulders tensed. She swivels to look back at us, and I palm Matty’s belly so that he doesn’t go begging her to stay.

  “I’m going home. Your dad’s fine now, kiddo.”

  Matty shrugs me off like I’m nothing and beelines for Sera’s legs, colliding with her thighs.

  “What if it happens again?” I hear him say as I struggle to sit up. I do it slowly enough that dizziness isn’t a problem, but I have to close my eyes and concentrate. It takes a second to get it – Jules’ kid is worried about me, worried about losing me.

  Ah, fuck.

  I wipe a hand down my face and struggle to keep a hold of my testosterone. I’m going to breakdown, I know it, Sera knows it. She’s settled her fantastic ass right next to me again, the sliver of leather couch holding her close. She pulls my free hand into both of hers and gives me a squeeze. A fucking squeeze that could mean all sorts of things: pity, comfort, concern. I don’t even care which one it is, but I’m going to take it.

  This girl, this girl could change everything.

  I drop my hand from my face and look at her, really look at her. Aly is more exotic looking. Sera’s literally the girl next door – approachable, kind, and compassionate. She’s fucking sweet. Aly’s a bitch with a sweet piece between her legs, but I think Sera’s could be even sweeter if she would ever let me get that close.

  She’s also got the sweetest ass I’ve ever seen, sweats or skinny jeans – it doesn’t matter. Her flesh is going to be the best place to land my hands on when I finally kiss her. I want this girl in my life, I just need to get her to believe that she wants to be here, with me and Matty.

  Yeah. Better chance of curing yourself, buddy.

  “Can you watch him for a bit? Please? I want to take a shower.” I rub my hand over my face quick, catching the way her pulse is jumping at the base of her throat and her cheeks are tinted pink. I did that, and I didn’t even do anything yet.

  The prospect that she can still find me attractive after what she just saw has me reeling. Fuck yeah, I want this girl in my life.

  “Sure. I can do that,” she says, doing a little reassuring chin dip. Adorable. So fucking adorable.

  I wrap my fingers around one of her wrists, and pull her even closer to me. If I look to the side right now, I know Matty’s watching. Let him watch, he needs to see this.

  “Thank you for taking care of me. Let me make it up to you, Sera. Will you let me take you to breakfast tomorrow morning?” I have another illness, and her name is Sera.

  She snorts, actually snorts. Aly would slit her own wrists before she snorted in front of anyone, least of all me.

  “We tried breakfast, remember? I say something ‘wrong’, you get all pissy, and then I walk home. What makes you think I’m going to let you ruin my favourite meal of the day?”

  I can’t look at her. If I do, I’m going to burst out laughing. Shit, she just sassed me, totally just called me out. I fucking love it.

  “I’m sorry I’m an asshole.”

  “Daddy said a bad word! I get a quarter!” Matty jumps up and down between us. Saved by the kid, MacLaine.

  “Why do you get a quarter?” Sera asks, head bobbing up and down as she follows Matty’s jumps.

  “He loves those bubble gum balls from the dispensers. He won’t eat any other kind,” I say, glancing down at her chest. I think she caught me, but I had to see. I had to. Burdened with glorious purpose. Yeah, Sera, you’ve saved my life twice already, what are you gonna do next?

  “So? Will you go to breakfast with me tomorrow morning?” I prompt, still holding her wrist.

  Her eyes are wide, and that crinkle between her eyebrows is back. “I have work early. I have to be in at seven. I eat at sixish.”

  I can’t stop myself from grinning. “That’s fine. I’m up by then, anyway.” Her shoulders slump and her lower lip juts out, just enough that I’m going to fantasize about it for the next twenty-four hours. “I’m gonna go take that shower now.”

  To torture myself, I bump my hips against her sexy ass, and she stumbles to get out of my way. I get another blush and don’t feel like my body’s pissed off at me for fucking up with my sugars.

  In my room, I grab some boxers and sweats and take a t-shirt. I toss them back on the bed before walking in to take my shower. I’m going to be an asshole and show her what she’s missing. At least I look good.

  “Why are you naked?!” I’m not naked, just shirtless, after I hastily dried myself off. I half-expect her to palm her chest, like she might faint at the sight of me. Her face is telling a different story, though.

  Even Aly has never looked at me like this. Sera takes her time, each sweep of her eyes over my chest, abs, hips and arms tingles along my skin. She looks like she’s enjoying herself, just by watching me. Now I’m going to have a problem with my dick twitching. Fuck.

  Dead puppies. Mag
gots. Dead puppies and dead kittens. A chair. Chair. Chair! Sera in a chair, wearing nothing but a smile. FUCK!

  Her cheeks are pink, and her breath is definitely coming faster. Sera’s turned on, just by looking at me. I can use this. I can make her mine.

  I drop to my knees in front of her, caging her in with my arms, hands on either side of her hips hitting the beat-up leather of my couch.

  “You all right?”

  “I think so. You’re extremely close.” She nods slowly, and stares on either side of her, where my arms cage her in.

  “I know that, baby.” Shit. Too soon, asshole!

  “I’m...I’m fine. I’m good. You good for me to go?” She’s pulled back from me, body plastered to the back of the couch. Shit. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t mean for it to play out like this.

  “What do you feel like watching?” I ask, palming her cold foot. I should get her some socks. Yeah, my extra warm ones I need for the winter. Matty collides into my side and steals my thunder, as always.

  “Yeah, Sera! We can watch Transformers 3!” The kid’s voice is too high pitched to be excited, like he’s forcing it.

  Sera grabs both his hands, after tossing the remote on the couch. She stares into his eyes, a tiny smile on her mouth that I want to kiss into a full one. But she’s not looking at me, just Jules’ kid. That smile’s for him.

  “Matty, you did so good coming to get me. You remembered your dad’s sugar level and everything.

  And you listened super well when I asked you to get me that honey, little man.” I watch her ruffle his hair. His little body is shaking when he turns around and strangles me with his arms around my neck, holding me as tight as his little four-year-old body will allow.

  No one’s ever told him anything for being good, all he does is get shit all day – mostly from me. I hold him tighter as he sobs, his heart beating hard against my chest. I’m going to fix this. I fucking will.

  “You were so brave, Matty. Thank you for taking care of me.” I tell him. He kisses me on the side of my throat, but won’t let go.

  Even when it’s time to watch the movie and Sera’s settled herself on the couch, Matty next to her, then me, the kid wraps around my arm like ivy, head on my bicep.

  He doesn’t know it, but I’m not letting go, either.

  Chapter 10

  I can’t stop looking at her. She’s probably going to catch me staring and wonder what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I’ve ever had my mental health questioned so much. Sort of makes me believe there actually is something wrong with the circuits in my skull.

  I’ve just never seen anyone so animated before... about anything.

  Even Jules wasn’t this into things. I don’t like thinking about my sister, or tarnishing her memory, but fuck, Sera, she just makes the day a little brighter.

  Ball sac still intact? Good.

  Sera’s barely keeping her ass glued to the beat-up leather of my couch. Her knees are drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs, and her face is glued to whatever the fuck movie we’re watching.

  Every time something blows up or Optimus Prime speaks at all, she rocks her weight forward on her feet and we have lift off. If I were still a pervy fifteen-year-old, I’d stick my hand right under, so when she’d fall back down, yeah... I’m not a pervy fifteen-year-old, I’m not a pervy fifteen-year-old.

  Fuck, but I want to touch her. Maybe I should start with a cheek first. The one on her face. Stop thinking about her ass.

  I swear to Christ, Sera just squealed. Does she think that fuck Shia Beef is good-looking? I’m screwed if she does. We look nothing alike, and I can’t tell a joke to save my life. Shit.

  “Daddy! Optimus just crushed the Decepticons!” Matty hollers, still wrapped around my left arm. I don’t know what a Decepticon is, but it sounds hilarious coming out of the kid’s mouth. I might just bribe him with quarters to say it whenever I want.

  Sera’s still glued to the screen. I don’t exist for her, or if me and Matty do, we’re part of another dimension that she can’t see or hear. I find I don’t like being ignored by her, even if all her attention is being taken up something else. I want her to notice me always, just like she’s become a fixed point on my own radar.

  I hear the sound of British coming out of the screen, and I turn to look at two robot-looking things almost cussing. Twisting quick to see Sera’s reaction, it’s like she’s wrapped one of her hands around my dick. Her smile is quick and dirty, and her eyes are wide and looking away from me.

  Fuck, to be looked at with that kind of intensity, with that kind of need, Jesus, I’d trade ten years off my life for that. Scratch that, ten years of the best years of my life to be looked at like that.

  So she has a thing for British accents. I could do that. Maybe. In my dreams. Or hallucinations.

  “Do you even know whose voice that is?” she whispers to the screen. Matty looks over at her, then back at me, something like confusion written on his face. The little guy then leans up and uses a cupped hand around my ear to whisper me a secret.

  “Is Sera tired?” he asks. That one word the only way he knows how to describe odd behaviour, the like that would may be due to a sugar high or low. I’m going to have to change that, too.

  I don’t think I could handle a needle going anywhere near her perfect skin, even if it were to save her life.

  I lean close to Jules’ kid, smell his baby shampoo hair, and mumble back, “No, kid. She’s just happy to see the movie.”

  “Sera talked to me during a movie yesterday. How come not now?”

  “Uh, maybe ’cause she’s really into it?” I look back up, and yeah, she’s mouthing the words right along with the main character who thinks he’s hilarious. I really don’t think a guy like that can land the girl with the pillowy lips.

  Matty’s gone back to tracing my scarred fingertips with his own. That weight in my chest appears again, the familiar invisible eighteen-wheeler. The little guy keeps touching my fingertips, maybe even counting the tiny holes left behind from I don’t know how many tests ago for checking my sugar.

  What’s worse is, I know that in his lifetime, he’s going to get maybe a million more than me. And it’s not fucking fair.

  Something happens on screen and Sera laughs. A full-on laugh with her hugging her ribs, perched on her feet, ass away from my leather couch. The main guy’s screaming at his car while being talked to by a couple of military guys. It’s a piece of shit car, too. I can understand the frustration.

  I wonder if Sera would be embarrassed to get in my car. That ass should only be touched by the finest leather seats so as not to disturb the flesh. Aly always made me feel like shit whenever she got in my car, rubbing her fingers along the dash at the dust or whatever.

  Christ, I’m thinking about what Sera thinks about my car. Like it matters. We’re just watching a movie. And tomorrow I’m taking her to breakfast and that’s all. Yeah, okay, buddy. Try and hold in the fist pump or the gorilla beating of your chest ’cause she said yes.

  “I’m sorry, I’m fading over here,” Sera says, smiling while she yawns. “I forgot how funny this movie is.” She stretches her arms over her head, finally fully settling in my couch, her breasts thrust out as she arches her back. Oh, man. I have an urge to memorialize the leather and never let anyone sit there ever again.

  That’s it. The sugars have made you lose your damn mind.

  “You don’t have to say you’re sorry because you’re tired,” I say, while Matty yawns too. Now I’m yawning. Cover your mouth! Were you raised in the wild?

  “I do tend to say sorry a lot. It’s a bad habit.” Another yawn. She dips her chin into the neck of her shirt and covers her mouth that way. My heart thumps real fast.

  “I don’t think so.” Here’s my chance. Say something good, say something sweet to her. “I think it’s kinda cute.”

  Matty swings his head to look at Sera’s reaction. If she’d been thunderstruck, she’d look less surprised. Don’t la
ugh, don’t laugh. It’s a hell of a fight to keep a straight face.

  Sera’s looking at me like I’ve told her I have a radioactive spider for safekeeping, just in case. I’ve been doing my homework; I hope she likes Spider-man. The look’s part revulsion, ’cause hey, it’s a spider, and she’s seriously wondering if she’d let herself be bitten.

  I lose the fight with my face and smile. She’s been making me do that a lot lately and I’ve only known her for a short time.

  “Okaaaayyy,” she says, and stands up, twisting from side to side until even I hear the crack in her ribs, spine, whatever. “I’d like to say it’s been fun, but you nearly gave me me a heart attack.” She gives me a small smile that’s almost a grin.

  “You do get points though for letting me watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon when you clearly couldn’t give a flying frak. So, thanks. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Bet on it.” Now you sound like a serial killer. ‘Bet on it’, who talks like that?

  Sera dips her chin in a solemn nod. Her face breaks out into a smile that’s especially reserved for Matty. Now the kid’s making me see green. Shit.

  “Bye, little man. Have a good night.” Sera holds her arms out for a hug, and the little guy scrambles off the couch so fast I don’t know how he doesn’t trip himself. He’s a mass of small limbs running headlong into Sera’s thighs, looking up at her so his dark hair falls back in a black wave.

  “Good night, Sera! See you later, alligator.” He squeezes his little arms around her legs, and she bends down to land a kiss on his forehead. My heart’s thumping so hard, I wonder how long until I go into cardiac arrest. Sera makes me want things I have no right to have.

  “In a while, crocodile. Sleep tight, Matty.” When the kid lets go of her, she looks up at me, the force of her gaze drilling me to the spot and I can’t get up. Manners dictate I should. I know I should, I’m just paralyzed by the look on her face.