Never Been Loved

by C.M. Kars

  I don’t know why he hates hospitals or doctors. Probably some traumatic TV show. I don’t want to think about any mystical alternative – like he remembers his mom dying on her way to the hospital. Jules was DOA and Matty was an orphan at eighteen months.

  “How did you get this?” The good doctor asks, after writing down Sera’s previous answers. The kid’s nervous energy is starting to crack me up, especially when he starts bouncing on his toes and sending it up my arm. Sera starts to smile but it goes away once she sees Matty’s face, now looking at her and the blue bruise on her hand.

  “I punched my friend,” she says, clenching her jaw tight.

  “She must have pissed you off.” More notes go on the clipboard and I’m ready to leave this room - the kid is, too. I catch him moving his head toward the door like it’s going to disappear any second now.

  “It was a he. And yeah, he pissed me off. I don’t go punching people for fun. Especially if it fraking hurts this much. You’re going to send me up for x-rays, aren’t you?” There’s that word again. She’s in pain. Because of me, because I couldn’t step in when I needed to. I was too busy in the fucking bathroom trying to have a heart-to-heart with my dick. It’s one for the books, my epic stupidity.

  “Afraid so. That level of blue usually indicates that something’s broken. We’re just going to make sure that’s the case. You’ll have to go up to radiology as soon as I get the go ahead.”

  “All right, thanks.” Sera gets off the exam table and we move together out into the waiting room, which is somewhat empty. All in all, it means nothing. We’re in here for the long haul, and those chairs look anything but comfortable. At least the kid will be able to fall asleep. And tomorrow’s Sunday so I can sleep in.

  Sera takes a seat until Matty pats her thigh and asks, “Sera, why did you get in a fight?” I watch, like an idiot, as she uses her left hand to haul the kid on top of her so Matty’s nice and comfortable. I should say something; I should tell him to get off her so she can rest and her hand hurts, and he’s going to make it worse and bump it or something.

  All she does is hug him closer, and the little guy places his head on her shoulder. I don’t understand how he wins her over like that. Is he giving out lessons, ’cause I need to sign up.

  I settle beside them, turning so I get an arm around Sera’s shoulders. The A/C is on full blast, and it’s going to be freezing in here soon.

  I don’t know why, but I need to tell Matty the truth. When I was much, much younger, I looked up to my parents, I thought they knew everything. I thought they were the smartest, most beautiful people in the world – there was no one better. When I learned they weren’t, well, everything felt like it was falling apart; everything I knew, everything I ever believed.

  I don’t want it to be a shock for Matty. Maybe I’m making a mistake. Maybe he needs to believe I’m the greatest, but that’s a mantle that doesn’t fit on my shoulders.

  “She did it for me, buddy.” I bump Sera’s knee with mine, watch her slight smile.

  Matty yawns and doesn’t bother to cover it. I’m not gonna rag on him. Who the fuck cares right now?

  “You told me I’m not s’posed to get into fights, Daddy. You said so.” He moves his head on Sera so he’s more comfortable. She lets him. She just… lets him.

  “You fight to protect the ones you love, Matty, and you fight to protect yourself. You fight to protect, little buddy, not to hurt another person because it’s fun, or because they really deserve it. It’s important you remember that,” Sera tells him. Fuck, she’d make a great mom.

  Matty yawns again, fighting to keep his eyes open. “You can sleep, little man. I’ll be here when you wake up,” she tells him and it’s the wrong thing to say.

  The kid tenses, and I watch, fascinated. He takes Sera’s face in both his hands as he straightens up and looks at her for a few seconds, searching her face.

  “Okay, Sera,” Matty says, lying back down again. He gets his hands on her shirt, stuffing the material in his fists so she can’t get away.

  My nephew says nothing else and closes his eyes to sleep. Lucky. It’s going to be a long night.

  I move my arm closer to Sera’s skin and move her so she’s leaning on me. We’re a human game of dominoes and I’m the only one holding us up. Only when Sera’s comfortable do I get more comfortable – or as comfortable as I’m gonna get.

  “Did you have a good time, barring my friend being a giant jerkwad?” she asks over a would-be yawn. Even that’s fucking cute. I want to kiss her so badly. But she needs to set the pace. She’s doing me a favour, by letting me be around her – and not the other way around.

  “You didn’t have to bring me a plate. I could have gotten it for myself,” I grunt like an animal. Great. Now this shit again. Why do I even open my mouth?

  You’re upset that she had to save you – for the third time, bro. You’re the damsel in distress. Now you get why chicks don’t like that sort of thing. Plus, you’re too chicken-shit to admit you need help.

  “Bloody hell, when are you going to let me help you? I brought you a plate of food. I didn’t tell anyone you were diabetic – not that it fraking matters.”

  “It matters to me,” Goddamn it, it matters. “And your fucking hand is broken because of me.”

  “How do you think this was about you? Tommy was being a dick to me, I hit him because he’s a giant asshole.”

  Man, I wish I was outside. I would’ve loved to have seen his face. Did he bleed? I hope he has shiners for the next year.

  “That fucker wouldn’t’ve made that comment if I didn’t need food. Or if he didn’t want to get into your pants.”

  She actually snorts, like she doesn’t believe it.

  The signs were all there. The fucker made absolutely sure that I would be in the dog house tonight, probably counting on shock and awe that I wouldn’t say anything. Or maybe the endgame was for me to beat him up and Sera to hate me for doing it. Either way, he lost. He doesn’t know what Sera is really like at all.

  “Right. Tommy wants to get into my pants. Like that makes sense.” She snorts again. “He’s just like that –always.”

  “With everyone?”

  “Uh...yeah.”

  “Only with you, right? Not with your girl, Katie. He wouldn’t dare say something like that in front of her man, now would he?”

  “Katie doesn’t have a man at the moment, so your argument is invalid.”

  I press my cheek to the top of her head and can’t help but smile. Damn, she makes me laugh.

  “I was the trigger. You got embarrassed because of me.”

  Sera holds her breath. “I got embarrassed because you were there. I didn’t want them to presume something that hasn’t happened.”

  Okay, she doesn’t want them to know that we could have slept together. Fine and dandy. She likes her privacy. Nothing wrong with that. But I’m still not getting it.

  “How does that translate into you bringing me a plate of food?”

  “I don’t know if you get this, but all our parents are immigrants – we’re first generation Montrealers. Means that there are certain rules and traditions we’re all trying to break free of. The guys, they like to pull ‘the woman stays in the kitchen’ card, I think because it drives me up the wall, and I seriously think about places to hide bodies whenever they bring it up.

  “I don’t bring them plates of food – like, ever. They make a kitchen comment, or how whatever I bake or cook is not up to scratch I get downright bitch-tastic. So, surprise, surprise, I bring you a plate without any coercion.”

  “So it’s the presumption that bothers you.” I try not to make it sound like a question. Has she met my mother? She doesn’t know how to cook.

  “Exactly. I don’t mind bringing you a plate of food – you don’t expect that from me, and you appreciated it, even if you couldn’t tell me. I punched Tommy because he implied that what I did for you was relegated to a good roll in the sack. He belittled what you neede
d from me – and that’s what made me punch him and ruined a perfect Saturday night.”

  “Looks like I’m going to have to show you how to throw a punch.” Fuck, play-wrestling with Sera and letting her win so we can both win later? Can we get some sheets involved, too?

  “I don’t think I’m going to punch anyone ever again for as long as I live.”

  “Just so you know, I don’t think women belong in the kitchen. You’ve met my mom – the lady has never stepped foot in a kitchen for other than a glass of wine her entire life. Neither did my sister. My life would have been a lot different otherwise.”

  “You have a sister?”

  Motherfucking piece of shit. You’re going to lay that on her now? When she’s in pain? Yeah, go ahead. That’ll be the perfect way to end the night. Deflect, moron!

  “Yeah, I did, baby. She was sweet, and good, but she could be fucked up. I...I wasn’t a good brother to her.”

  “I don’t think that’s true, Hunt.”

  I don’t say anything. I don’t believe her.

  “Still believe I’m amazing?” I ask, staring down at the floor. I’m glad she can’t see me.

  “Yeah, I do.” She doesn’t even hesitate. Who is this girl?

  “Keep believing that, okay, baby? No matter what happens.” Please.

  I wind my arm tighter against her, getting her closer to me. I like where she is, tight against my chest, head resting over my heart, Matty on top of her. We’re like a … family. I haven’t felt like I had a family in the longest time.

  “I can’t make that promise, Hunt.”

  “Try. For me.” Please, Sera. Try. I’m not the best of the best, but I’ll treat you like you are.

  “Okay.”

  I kiss the top of her head. That’s all I can ask for, a meagre promise that she probably can’t keep. I make myself believe it, anyway.

  “Thank you. Close your eyes, I’ll wake you when they call you.”

  “Okay.”

  I feel her relax under my arm and settle deeper onto me. There’s a lot of shit going on in my head right now. I keep reliving the whole Tommy shooting his mouth off back at Alex’s place and how I couldn’t do anything. I might’ve as well been chained to the floor. I was completely and utterly useless.

  If I’m going to be with Sera, if I’m going to be the man she deserves, I’m going to need to fix a few things; hell, more than a few.

  I’m going to need to get stronger – not physically – but mentally. I can’t be so exhausted all the fucking time. Sera deserves time and attention and everything in between. She deserves me at my best and that’s definitely fucking not when my sugars are out of control.

  I’m going to have to eat more regularly and I can’t skip meals. I need to revamp my entire diet and really pay attention to the first warning signs my body gives me when I spike or drop.

  I need to start being with Matty more, trying to teach him how to deal with all this diabetes shit better. Our code word right now is tired, but the difference between a low and a high have to be explained to him – sometime soon.

  I don’t think normal guys overthink this much when it comes to a woman.

  They usually see something they like, tag it, go on a few dates, and bang. I haven’t had friends in a long time. Eddie’s my friend, I guess, but he’s more like a father. What the fuck, I work all day, pick up Matty from daycare, try and get some food ready when we get home, and try to listen to him telling me how his day went.

  I used to be fascinated about whatever he would tell me. I’ve gotten old too fast. I have no more patience, I’m exhausted all the time. I can’t deal with extra stressors that what I’ve already got in my life right now.

  The load’s too heavy to bear and I’m barely treading water out in the middle of the ocean of my problems. And then Sera shows up, like a damn life raft, pulling me to safety.

  If I believed in God and in angels, I would think maybe that Jules brought Sera to me. That she somehow conned her way into meeting the Big Man upstairs and pled my case.

  Yeah, if I believed, I could get behind the idea that Jules sent me Sera. She picked her own replacement, and she picked the best. I just need to not screw this up.

  Chapter 21

  I’m thinking I can get Sera to sleep over tonight. In my bed, with me, and not the kid. I’m a grown man, I can keep it in my pants, ‘cause Sera’s not ready. Maybe I need to win a triathlon or some shit and she’ll let me kiss her.

  I’ll start training tomorrow.

  Her hand is broken. Broken. I really need to teach her how to throw a punch – she could even come to my gym and we could train together. Yeah, no, that wouldn’t work. Coach would kill me if I brought a woman there, especially watching me spar. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. Not when I love to see all the expressions on her face and try to figure out what she’s thinking.

  I park in the underground parking lot and open Sera’s door without waking her abruptly. I put a hand on her shoulder and try to gently wake her. Fuck, she looks so undeniably cute, face pressed against the seat.

  To kiss her is becoming a compulsion. I try to keep my distance.

  “C’mon, baby. Get out of the car for me.” She starts rubbing her eyes, drops her hands and falls back asleep. “Sera...”

  She nods, rubs her eyes again and gets her legs out of the car. She opens tired eyes and blinks at the harsh light. I make a grab for the hand without a fucking cast, and pull her to her feet, while her eyes slide closed again. I move her away from the car and shut the door behind her.

  I move to get Matty out of the car, unstrapping him from the seat, but the kid’s arms and legs are dead weights and I’m struggling with it. When I finally get him out, closing the door behind me, I want to roar with all the bullshit that has come my way today.

  “Hunter, baby?” Aly’s voice. Aly’s here. In front of Sera, Matty and me, in the underground parking lot of my fucking building, and she’s looking at me like she wants me to make Sera and Matty go away.

  Fuck. That.

  Two steps ahead of me, Sera’s spine gets rigid, and her whole body stiffens up. She clenches her hands into fists, then turns back to me. “Here, Hunt. Give me Matty and come to bed when you’re done.”

  Yeah, baby! Sera just fucking made my night. And I get her later. Amen. It’s about time shit starts going my way. Pride lights up the inside of my chest like a sick firework display.

  Sera gets a hold of Matty, reaching out her good hand for the keys. I give them to her, hoping Aly is seeing this. Even though I told her it was over, she’s still showing up here. What the fuck? Sera doesn’t look back as she heads for the basement elevators.

  I never would’ve trusted Aly with Matty like that. She doesn’t know one thing about taking care of another person, she knows about money and always getting what she wants. Real life doesn’t work like that.

  I should know.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, folding my arms. I’m too tired for this shit. I want a shower, I want a bed, and I want Sera next to me.

  Aly’s got that smile on her face, the one that says she’s got me, but she has no fucking clue. She tilts her head, and the smile gets wider. I want to throw up.

  “Baby, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.” She’s stalking closer to me now, rocking her hips, her heels making annoying sounds in the abandoned parking lot. I’m too tired for this shit.

  “Yeah? Well, I didn’t miss you.” Christ, I’m in kindergarten. What kind of comeback was that? Nothing but the God’s honest truth. “I don’t want you here, I don’t need you here. Go home, Aly.”

  She takes a step closer to me and I back up one. If she touches me, I’m going to do something I’m going to regret. I’ll man-handle her out of here and then feel like a tool for doing it.

  “I don’t want to go home. I want to go upstairs, and I want you to make me scream your name.”

  What once used to make my blood boil and my dick throb just doesn’t anymore. I
can’t be that guy anymore, I need to grow the fuck up.

  Sera’s waiting for me upstairs. It’s time I get moving.

  “Bye, Aly. Don’t come here again.”

  “I’m going to speak to your mom, Hunter. I will, don’t think I won’t.”

  “Listen to me, and listen good,” I stalk closer to her but she doesn’t put a hand on me. Where was that girl I used to be friends with? Where did she go? “I don’t want you, you get it? I don’t want you.”

  Aly smiles that dirty smile again, the kind she used to give me while sucking me off. “Hunter, baby, if that were true then why are we having this conversation? Do you want me to beg for it? I’ll beg, baby. You know how much you like me on my knees.”

  It’s just a visual. Get the fuck over it.

  I shake my head, backing away. I know the code for the door to the basement elevators and Aly does not. She’s going to chase me if I make a run for it. Christ, I have to make a run for it like I’m a rat caught in a maze with seconds left before the buzzer to pain goes off. This is such bullshit.

  I can’t hit her; I won’t hit her.

  “Fucking shit, Aly, you’re disgusting.” She’s not, she’s not disgusting. She’s the only one that would have me, and she’s the first person who knew about my diabetes. Even if she didn’t understand, even if she’s not like Sera, I can’t erase that, I can’t make it go away like it never happened. “That woman up there, that woman with my –Jules’ kid, she’s waiting for me.”

  “So what? You know I don’t mind sharing.” She stretches her arms over her head so I get a slice of skin between her shirt and leather pants. “Besides, how long do you think she’s going to stick around, baby? The sex isn’t that spectacular to have her carrying juice boxes around, not with just you, but the two of you.”

  I’m going to punch my own lights out I’m so pissed. “I don’t want you and I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. Don’t come here again. You’ll be sorry the next time, I promise you.” I put as much of the threat into my voice as possible.